Hi Basicinstructions Team,

Best Regards,
[Name Redacted]|Senior SEO Advisor
PH. No: (555) 5551212
Skype: nameredacted888
——————————————————————————————
Note:
1: This is a onetime email and you may ask us to “REMOVE”.
2: If you are interested I will send more details on our “corporate identity”, “company profile”, “why you should choose us?”, “Price list”, “money back” etc. in my next mail.

So first off, you’d think this message came in the form of an email. But you would be wrong. This message was left as a comment on one of Scott’s comics. So right off the bat, they’re lying about their “marketing strategy” using email, and I can’t exactly respond with “remove” to a comment left on a blog. Also, they never once mentioned the company name. Nothing scammy about that at all.

Nextly, many years ago I was the webmaster for a store. That store had a small physical location, as well as a larger web presence. A lot of the products they sold were drop-shipped from the manufacturer, so while a lot of things were sold, very few were actually shipped from our location. An intriguing way to run a business, certainly.

When I took over as webmaster, I re-did a lot of the pages with search engine optimization in mind. And soon enough, we were getting good Google results for a lot of our keywords. In fact, there was a brand new product that I somehow managed to SEO well enough that we were the number one search result, and Amazon.com was the number two. Traffic was up, business was up, and then suddenly, we were on the radar of crappy SEO companies like this one.

The boss at that job received come-ons from two different SEO companies, offering the moon and the stars. He asked me which one I thought he should use, and I opted for “neither one”. Because at the time I refused to (and I still refuse to) do business with any company that blindly sent out generic emails asking for my business. Boss disagreed, and hired one of the companies. They promised improved search engine ranking, five new pages of keyword-rich content, and edits to our twenty top pages to make them more search engine friendly.

They were a grind to deal with — nobody ever got back to me in a timely fashion. Then there was the “content” they sent. Basically, lists of keywords, only some of which were vaguely related to our business or products, that they wanted me to include not just in the HTML tags, but also in the actual page content. They didn’t deliver the five new pages, and when we mentioned them, they denied that it was part of the deal until we dug out all of the old emails. (I don’t know that there was even a contract signed; just a huge payment from Boss to the SEO company.) They provided one page, and it was a ghastly piece of word salad. None of it made sense, and it was just a keyword-riddled nightmare. Of course we didn’t use it.

I was finally able to convince Boss that they were scammers. I believe he did a chargeback on his credit card and filed with the BBB (not that complaining to the Better Business Bureau ever did anyone any good, but Boss thought it was a perfect way to “take them down”). They fought it and declared their intent to sue, so then I got to put together a record of their emails and a timeline of missed promises and lies.

So, in conclusion, forgive me if I don’t call you to get your SEO expertise, [Name Redacated].

Despite the fact that I don’t blog all that often right now, I’m certainly fielding a lot of comments. I mean a LOT of comments. Unfortunately, there’s nothing of substance in the whole lot.

I thought that including a simple CAPTCHA would help cull the spam, but it’s done nothing but speed up recently. Here’s three days from my inbox:

Three days’ worth of spam comments in my trash folder

That was a fairly light three days; it’s been two weeks since I’ve cleared out my pending comments, and there are 140 sitting in there.
Clearly, these are real people posting comments, not just spambots. But they may as well be bots, for all the originality they show. Comments tend to come in a few oft-repeated flavors.

The Praise Comment:
Amazing blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog stand out. Please let me know where you got your design.

I’m impressed, I must say. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s equally educative and engaging, and let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The problem is something that not enough people are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy I stumbled across this during my hunt for something concerning this. (This comment was left on an American Idol recap post. From 2011.)

The “I Want to Blog Too!” Comment:
Ηοwdy! Τhiѕ іs kіnd of οff topiс but I neеԁ ѕomе help fгom an eѕtаblished blog. Is it haгd tο ѕеt up your оwn blοg?
Ι’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I’m thinkіng about ѕetting up my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any tips or suggestions? Thank you

Ηi wοulԁ yоu mind letting me know ωhich hostіng company yοu’re utilizing? I’ve loаded your blog in 3 completely ԁifferent web bгοwѕeгѕ and І must say thiѕ blog loads a lot faѕtеr then most. Ϲan you recommend а good hoѕting ρroνidеr at a fаiг price? Thanκ yοu, I appreciate іt!

The Broken Blog Comment:
Hi just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different browsers and both show the same results.

Hi there, I believe your site could be having internet browser compatibility issues. Whenever I look at your blog in Safari, it looks fine however when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping issues. I just wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Aside from that, great blog!

The What? Huh? What? Comment:
If your fiсtіtіous сharаctеr is lοω on hеalth ρoints, you can fill again it οr fifty-fіfty turgid grοuрs and mаnу weeks can be needeԁ to pass thгough and thrοugh, depending on instrumentаlist skills.
ωаrcгaft thе warcraftak_200604-30 04:52 PMB ettеr ask youг Online plot, it is the virtually poρulaг Оnline plοt іn the chronicle of On-line play. Why should one be penalіzed thіs mіѕchievouѕly if their ship’s company/lawyer decided to grade 15, with a combining of quests and someone sucking grinding.

The safest temperature for just about any electronic device is a lot less than 75 degrees, consequently itrrrs likely relatively good if you are uncomfortable, your machine can be as well. Apple. i – Pads are now the in-thing and having one is a status symbol. (This was on a post about banana bread.)

The Multiple Choice Comment: (I’m only going to give a partial here — the entire thing was four pages when I pasted it into Word)
{I have|I’ve} been {surfing|browsing} online more than {three|3|2|4} hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. {It’s|It
is} pretty worth enough for me. {In my opinion|Personally|In my view}, if all {webmasters|site owners|website owners|web owners} and bloggers made good content as you did, the {internet|net|web} will be
{much more|a lot more} useful than ever before.|
I {couldn’t|could not} {resist|refrain from} commenting. {Very well|Perfectly|Well|Exceptionally well} written!|
{I will|I’ll} {right away|immediately} {take hold of|grab|clutch|grasp|seize|snatch} your {rss|rss feed} as I {can not|can’t} {in finding|find|to find} your {email|e-mail} subscription {link|hyperlink} or {newsletter|e-newsletter} service. Do {you have|you’ve} any?
{Please|Kindly} {allow|permit|let} me {realize|recognize|understand|recognise|know}
{so that|in order that} I {may just|may|could} subscribe.
Thanks.|
{It is|It’s} {appropriate|perfect|the best} time to make some plans for the future and {it is|it’s}
time to be happy. {I have|I’ve} read this post and if I could I {want to|wish to|desire to} suggest you {few|some} interesting things or {advice|suggestions|tips}. {Perhaps|Maybe} you {could|can} write next articles referring to this article. I {want to|wish to|desire to} read {more|even more} things about it!|
{It is|It’s} {appropriate|perfect|the best} time to make
{a few|some} plans for {the future|the longer term|the long run} and {it is|it’s} time to be happy. {I have|I’ve} {read|learn} this {post|submit|publish|put
up} and if I {may just|may|could} I {want to|wish to|desire to} {suggest|recommend|counsel} you {few|some} {interesting|fascinating|attention-grabbing} {things|issues} or {advice|suggestions|tips}.
{Perhaps|Maybe} you {could|can} write {next|subsequent} articles {relating to|referring to|regarding} this article.
I {want to|wish to|desire to} {read|learn} {more|even more}
{things|issues} {approximately|about} it!|

Really, a lot of the shorter ones could be lifted wholesale out of the larger ones. At least they’re putting some time into making their multiple choices, as opposed to Lazybones McBigComment here.

Is it any wonder that I’m full of the desire to just nuke this blog from orbit? It’s hard to get back into writing anything when I know that any new post will just be assaulted with this crap.

Spammers, be warned — I’ve taken up a new little hobby. One you may not like.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

I’ve been a total blog slacker. In fact, I went so long without a post, my advertising banner company dropped me. No big loss; I’ve just put up a rotating Amazon ad, wherein we can get a small commission on purchases. Thanks to those who have emailed and commented about my absence. I’ve been somewhat bound up with a few things as far as writing — a horrible case of too many ideas and the inability to land on one and actually do it. It’s like the opposite of writer’s block, I guess. So the best place to start is a recap of the last quarter.

First off, my health has been up and down, as usual. The vertigo came back in late October, big time. This time I got to go through a series of what they call Epley maneuvers, which are designed to shift the calcium crystals in your ear-tubes around. Some places do this by just having you lie down and twist around, but my ENT place has a specific Epley chair:

Yep, it’s like one of those gyroscope rides at the county fair. It’s used for both diagnosis and treatment. And even though I didn’t have the telltale signs they’d look for in Positional Vertigo (namely, a twitching of the eyes, which they monitor through the goggles), they put me through the whole treatment cycle anyway, since I was already strapped in. I then got a medication that turned me into a zombie, then a second replacement medication that turned me into an even bigger zombie. By the time they prescribed the third medication, the vertigo was on its way out, so we didn’t end up getting it. Hopefully this means that my crystals are realigned and I shouldn’t have any more problems.

Meanwhile! A friend gave us a copy of the game Borderlands, which at first didn’t look all that interesting. Then we started playing it, and I got completely sucked in. Because it’s the best of all possible games for me — an open-world shooter where I can collect all the things.

Even Trouble is fascinated by it. Then they had the gall to release Borderlands 2 in September, and I’ve been playing it now for four months. I’ve played through the storyline around 6 times, and keep working on collecting more guns. Better guns. Cooler guns. Really, it’s a sickness. It’s also the first game I’ve wanted to play multiplayer in, so I finally joined Xbox Gold.

They opened a new Red Robin restaurant 11 miles from our house. Which means we no longer have to travel over an hour to get those burgers, with those fries, with that fry seasoning.

They’ll even wrap your burger in lettuce. They do have a gluten-free bun, which I’ve tried, but it’s kind of a strange texture. And really, it’s just added carbs when the lettuce works just fine. Perhaps this restaurant opening has something to do with the holiday weight I’ve put on.

Speaking of the holidays, they happened.

Sadly, we no longer have the kind of lights that our old Trek ornaments can connect to. I guess after 20 years, they were bound to design different sockets.

During the holiday season, when we went to a Barnes and Noble to find a calendar, we happened upon a few of Scott’s books on the humor shelf:

That was really nice to see. Quite a few friends have sent us pictures of the 2013 Basic Instructions calendar in their local Barnes and Noble stores, so that’s also really nice. Sounds like the calendars have done well.

January came, and I got to spend a day in the emergency room.

Just like a couple of years ago, I went in with chest pain, nausea, lightheadedness, and the feeling that I couldn’t get a deep enough breath. I was sure it wasn’t my heart, but the regular doctor wouldn’t see me unless I got my heart checked out at the ER first.

As suspected, the old ticker is great. Both it and my lungs get a clean bill of health. which then begs the question, what the hell is wrong with me? It was kind of like the panic attacks I’d get from the vertigo, but somewhat different. My regular doctor now has me trying proton pump inhibitors, because the next most likely thing it could be is GERD. I have been burping a lot lately. We also agreed that whatever is physically wrong with me, anxiety undoubtedly makes things worse. So now we’re in the diagnostic phase, where we try to figure out: is it a physical problem which can be fixed, thus ending the need for panic attacks? Or is it anxiety, which then gives me physical manifestations?

I’m sure there will be a lot more tests in my future. But at least I’m not having vertigo right now.

I’ll leave you with some gardening. I finally got a Meyer lemon tree, since the tree I have that’s labeled as Meyer lemon is actually a lime tree. They’re both flowering like crazy (here’s the lime tree):

So if it turns out that I have GERD, growing acidic citrus is the perfect hobby.

A coworker showed up to work a while back with really fancy fingernails. I’m not just talking about painted nails — I mean, cool printed patterns. Turns out she went to a site called Jamberry Nails, and holy wow do they have a lot of options for cool nails. But they’re also $15 per set (although since each batch of “nail shields” can do your nails 2-3 times, I guess it comes out to only five or ten bucks per application).

So I did what I always do when confronted by a price I’d rather not pay — I went to eBay and searched for cheaper, flimsier imitations.

Here’s what I found: Nail Polish Stick. Each package only does one set of nails, but they only cost a buck fifty each. That includes shipping from China. And while the Jamberry nails are thick and sturdy and apparently easy to apply, these are floppy and difficult.

BUT CHEAP! Did I mention the cheapness?

Anyhoo, in each package you get a set of 12 stickers:

They appear to come in the following sizes: 1 extra-large, 1 large, 3 medium, and 1 small. I decided to do my toes, and didn’t use the large. I’m not much of one for doing my fingernails, since I keep them unfashionably short. Plus, I figured this stuff would last longer on my toenails, since I don’t do much typing or filing with my toes.

The instructions are hilariously helpful:

So I used the transparent top layer as an assistant, much like when you put vinyl decals on your car and they have that clear sticky sheet over the top. Just make sure your nails are clean and dry, stick the thing on, run a fingernail along the edge to cut away the extra, then throw a coat of clear polish over everything.

I ended up not lining up this big toe quite right. But the magic of doing your toes is that they’re almost always a good 5 feet or more away from your eyes, so you could make a thousand tiny errors and not really see them.

Here’s the full set. And if you even back away a little bit, you can see that they look pretty cool. There were a few bubbles and ridges in there, but that’s mainly due to my ineptitude.

The packaging doesn’t say, but the auctions themselves stated that these were good for “up to 10 days”. But at the 10-day mark, they still looked fine to me. In fact, I waited three weeks to take them off. Here they are at day 22:

Still looking pretty darned good from 5 feet away. Although up close you can tell that my toenails don’t grow especially fast, and that the stickers have worn away at the ends of the big toes.

And while they advise soaking in warm water for 8 minutes to remove them, I just peeled them straight off. They might have been a little more flexible after soaking, but they still came away pretty well without.

I was a little worried that they’d come loose in the shower, since soaking in water is one of the removal steps, but there were no problems at all. They stayed well-stuck the whole three weeks. I even managed to gouge one of them when I ran over my toe with the caster on Scott’s office chair — a big chunk of one of the big toes was sticking up in a flap. I just smoothed it down and threw another coat of clear nail polish over the top.

Like everything from China, these took about 3 weeks to arrive. But since they last for 3 weeks (at least) as well, I can always order up more when I put the last set on. Now, since I took the silver and black checkerboard pattern off last night, I have to decide what to go with next. Orange Hawaiian? Pink leopard? Colorful swirlies? Hmmmm.

Now that I’m totally hooked in the habit of drinking fancy tea made from big-ass leaves, I’d like to have some at work. Unfortunately, I don’t think the IngenuiTEA brewing device will work so well, since you have to rinse the wet leaves out into a sink. And I think we can all agree, workplace sinks really aren’t built to take that kind of matter down the pipes.

So, I invested a whopping six dollars into some empty tea bags. I got these Loose Tea Filter Bags from Amazon. Yes, they can be had for way cheaper elsewhere, but with the Prime shipping, I got them in two days. I’m sure if I were still in Seattle, we’d just go to Uwajimaya and find a selection there, but sadly here in Florida, I have no idea where I’d go.

Now we have 100 of these little guys. They pack flat, then fold out with a fairly wide bottom so they can sit on the countertop as you fill them with leaves:

Once you put in the leaves, there’s a sizeable flap that you fold over the top, so the leaves stay in place. There’s also a second, smaller flap on the inside, so it’s double-protected. And as you can see from the shadow of the leaves inside, there’s going to be plenty of room for the tea to bloom and expand inside this bag. This is one heaping teaspoon, and it barely covers the base of the bag.

I don’t know if it was just this one bag, since I’ve only used them once, but when I plopped it into the cup and poured hot water over the top, the bag rose so that one tiny, empty corner was sticking up out of the water. I thought that was terribly considerate and kind of the bag, so it could be easily removed without the string-and-tab system of a normal tea bag. And as you can see, the tea is dark and vibrant; no problems at all with the flow through the bag.

I fished it out by the handy little floaty-corner, and it turns out that when wet, the paper’s texture is more crinkly and firm than expected. Which means that the water drained out right away, and I wasn’t left with a soaked bag full of tea and solids — once the bag came out, there was barely any extra liquid inside at all.

Perhaps it’s because these aren’t actually made of paper — the back of the bag says they’re made of polyester. Fascinating! But they drain so well, I don’t even feel the urge to squeeze the bag. (Don’t squeeze the bag!)

These will make it terribly handy to tote a bag or two to work with me, so I can have an easy cup of deliciousness.

I have a lot of teas to review, so I figured I’d break them up by source. That also gives me a chance to write about the tea-buying experience with each supplier, which I think is an essential part of the process.

First up is Teavana. They have a large website that’s fairly easy to navigate, but they also have stores in malls and shopping districts throughout North America — there are certainly fewer stores in Canada and Mexico than in the USA, but there are still a goodly number in both countries. There are 21 locations in Florida, and a mere 7 in Washington. But that’s not surprising, since national chains always seem to get to Washington after hitting everywhere else first.

I have not yet used their website to place an order, but I have created a user ID there so I could build a wish list. I’ve also reviewed a tea there, but in order to review a tea, you need to connect with your Facebook account, instead of using your Teavana account. Which is weird.

We visited two of the Orlando-area stores: Florida Mall and the Mall at Millenia. (Yes, they spell millenia wrong. It’s Florida.) We visisted one of those stores (Millenia) on two different days, and got to experience two different employees. At both stores, we had similar experiences — clearly, the sales staff works on commission, because they have a slightly frantic delivery and try to get you to buy as many teas as possible, while also trying to get you interested in the more expensive teas.

On our very first visit, we explained that we were total tea novices, and wanted to try some samples. Teavana, however, does not have a sample program of any kind — the smallest amount of any tea that you can buy is two ounces, and their prices are based on a cost-per-two-ounces. Two ounces really isn’t all that much, unless you end up not liking the tea, in which case it’s an ounce and three quarters too much. Depending on how much tea you put in each eight-ounce cup of water, two ounces of leaves should get you 25-30 cups of tea.

On our first visit, we purchased three teas, two ounces of each. (We also got three teas on our most recent trip.) The staff will try to sell you their airtight metal tins, promising that without them, your tea will go stale and flavorless immediately. We managed to convince them that we had tins already, so we could just get the tea in bags. They’re the same paper fold-over bags you can get coffee in. We’re keeping our most recent teas wrapped up tightly in those bags, and then the bags are kept in the tins. Seems to be working fine.

Everything at Teavana appears to be about the concept of blending multiple teas together, to make the flavors of other things. We were asked if we like apple pie. Of course, the answer was yes. The fellow then started to pull THREE tins of tea down from the shelf, telling us that combining these three would give us a tea that tasted just like apple pie. One of the teas we already had, and one of them, when I smelled it by itself, was not pleasant (several of their teas have lemongrass in them, and I’m not a fan of lemongrass). So we passed on that blend. There were another two teas that, when combined, were supposed to taste like banana bread. We were already getting one of the teas, and they each smelled good on their own, so we went ahead and got both.

I was fascinated by the fact that the commissioned sales guy needed to be dealt with kind of forcefully. Our most recent visit, I went in with a list I’d made from perusing the website. He’d pull a tea down from the shelf, pop the lid, and wave it over the top so we could smell it. If I made a grimacing face and said anything that wasn’t an absolute no, such as, “Um, I’m not sure I like that one,” he would set it aside and say, “So that’s a maybe, then?” I learned quickly to respond to icky-smelling teas with an “Absolutely NO on that one.”

They measure out two ounces, but somehow (just like when you’re getting meat and cheese sliced at the deli counter), it always comes out a little above two. I think all of our teas came out at 2.3 ounces. Which was only a dollar more each, but still. One time the first scoop came out to 1.9 ounces, and I would have been fine with that, but NO. Two ounces minimum.

Teavana also has an app for both Android and iOS. It has a tea timer, list of locations, list of teas, and of course, a guide to blending your teas. Because why buy only one, when you can buy three, and get the flavor of apple pie?

All right, so, onward to the reviews of the teas we’ve tried so far.

Earl Grey White – Scott’s a fan of Earl Grey, but wanted a decaf version, thus the white tea base. It’s certainly the flavor of Earl Grey (the citrus fruit bergamot gives it that sharp tangy note), but it didn’t excite me. It really didn’t rock my socks any more than any other Earl Grey I’ve had, which means it probably wasn’t worth the price of $10.00 per two ounces. 6 out of 10.

Tulsi Dosha Chai Rooibos – I’m the big chai fan in the house. And on every single visit of our three to Teavana, they pull out this chai, and the White Ayurvedic Chai, and want to sell us both together. I liked the smell of this one (and didn’t like the smell of the other), but the flavor itself isn’t quite what I love in a chai. It’s all right, but it’s not my favorite of all of the chais I’ve tried. It’s like there’s some key ingredient missing, which leaves it a little flat. It’s decaf, thanks to the rooibos tea base. 6 out of 10.

Zingiber Ginger Coconut Rooibos – This one just smelled great; I wouldn’t have chosen it from the name. So I guess the sales person did her job, getting me to buy a tea I wouldn’t otherwise have bought. The flavor is sort of like a gingerbread cookie, and somehow it’s naturally sweet enough that I don’t need any sweetener added. The website says it’s a coconut flavor with a dash of ginger, but I found it to be the opposite — very gingery, and just a very slight hint of coconut. I believe this was one of the three teas that make the apple pie flavor. 7 out of 10.

Toasted Nut Brulee Oolong – Scott just liked the sound of this one, and the smell was heavenly. It’s the best of the Teavana teas so far, a nice dessert-style tea with flavors of cookies and spiced cider. This is also one of the two teas you can blend to make a tea that tastes like banana bread. 9 out of 10.

Strawberry Lemonade Herbal – Most of these herbal teas don’t actually contain any tea; they’re made up of aromatics and tasty flavors that are supposed to just make a yummy, decaf hot drink. This one smelled great, but in the brewing, a lot of the great flavors were lost. Despite making sure our teaspoons of leaves were heaping, the finished product was weak and lifeless, like the berries and lemons just cast a sideways glance at my cup. I’ll probably double up on the leaves next time, and try it over ice. 4 out of 10.

Caribbean Calypso Mate on the left, Toasted Nut Brulee on the right, for the banana bread tea recipe.

Caribbean Calypso Mate – the second part of the banana bread recipe, as well as our only mate tea (which apparently has just as much caffeine as coffee). The funny thing is, they don’t mention banana at all on the web page for this tea. It does smell strongly of banana, and if you smell it at the same time as you’re smelling the Toasted Nut Brulee, it does indeed smell like banana bread. But for some reason, just like with the Strawberry Lemonade, the fruit notes just don’t come through that strong. Scott had this one on its own, and found it weak. In the blend, the fruit flavors were totally overpowered by the Toasted Nut Brulee. (There was also that slight icky tang of lemongrass.) Alone: 5 out of 10. Blended with Toasted Nut: 6 out of 10.

So we at least got a couple of good teas out of the batch, but I do wish they’d sell smaller sample sizes. And it’s definitely the right move to go in with a list of things you want to smell, so you’re not steamrolled into buying whatever tea they want you to buy. Don’t be afraid to tell them no, and don’t be afraid to just peruse the huge wall of teas and pick out what YOU want to smell, not what they’re currently pushing. The staff there do know their stuff, but they’re tainted by the untrustworthiness of commission sales.

Overall the quality of their teas is good, but I think they might make their teas a bit more complicated than they need to be. If each tea had one or two flavors, they’d be easier to blend (in my opinion) than these teas with six, seven, eight flavors. (I’ll get more into this with my review of Adagio teas [an online shop].)

I’m already building a fresh wishlist of more Teavana teas to try out, but with the pricey two-ounce minimum, combined with the fact that we have a ton of their teas hanging around already, it’ll be a while before we go back.

As a follow-up to my post about tea, I realized that I never posted about our other homemade-beverage machine: the SodaStream.

Yes, I take issues with it being “soda” instead of “pop”. Though I justify it by telling myself that the machine itself makes fizzy water, or “soda” … and through the application of flavored beverage syrups, I turn it into full-fledged POP.

Anyhoo.

We got the very base model, the Sodastream Jet. (I link to it here at Amazon, because of the affiliate link, but we got ours in person at Target.) There are other, fancier ones, but we weren’t sure that we would use it enough to justify the expense of a nicer model.

It’s pretty easy to use, overall — you put a cylinder of CO₂ in the machine. Then you fill a 1/2- or 1-liter bottle with water and chill it in the fridge (colder water carbonates easier, they say). Screw the chilled bottle of water onto the machine, and press a button on the top repeatedly, squirting CO₂ into the water, until you hear what they call a “buzz” sound. Me, I call the sound more of a fart, but then again, I’m 13 years old on the inside.

Three farts is average fizziness. You can go fewer farts, or maybe even up to 5 farts if you want really fizzy pop.

There are a ton of syrup flavors, ranging from the regular old cola to weird ones like pink grapefruit (which Scott likes, though it tastes like [ugh] Fresca to me), to their own Dr Pepper clone, “Dr. Pete”. As you can see, we have a number of syrup bottles lined up there.

So how do we like it? How much do we use it? The answers: a lot, and a lot. We’ve always been big pop drinkers, and this really cuts down on lugging cases of cans up the stairs. And we don’t have to stock cans in all of the different flavors — if you’re in the mood for something, you just have to take one of the bottles of cold water out of the fridge (we got a number of extra bottles, so there’s always one cold) and mix up whatever flavor you’re jonesing for. On the flip side, we probably drink LESS pop than we did before, since it’s not as easy as grabbing a can and cracking the seal — you have to actually get up the gumption to fizz up the bottle and mix up what you want.

The diet flavors are all made with Splenda, which took a little getting used to, since we were used to Diet Coke (sweetened with aspartame). I know many people out there have conflicting opinions of which is better or worse for you, so take that into consideration. Apparently their regular versions are sweetened with a mix of Splenda and cane sugar, with no high-fructose corn syrup.

You can also find, in the magical wonderous world of the internets, flavor concentrates for sale. With these, you basically make your own simple syrup from whatever sweetener you choose, then add the flavor concentrate, and you’ve made your own syrup.

I’m still working at dialing in the right ratios of concentrate to sweetener to water for our tastes. And yes, these concentrates (acquired from the Prairie Moon company) are really weird colors. The lemon-lime is an almost paint-like green. And the cream soda? Check it out:

Like cough syrup! Although Scott has found out from some people that red cream soda is actually a thing. Maybe in the south. I’m not sure.

At any rate, we love the crap out of this gadget, and I now wish we’d spent more on a nicer model (not that this one isn’t nice, but the plastic parts can feel a bit cheap at times). When this one gives up the ghost eventually, we’ll totally upgrade.

As for the flavors, I really like the diet cola. And I use both regular and caffeine-free, usually mixing the two together in a half-caff version. The ginger ale is also great, although I find I need a little more syrup than the little lines on the inside of the measuring cup recommend. Root beer, great. Scott says the Dr. Pete is really good, but he also mixes up his own “Dr. Meyer” mix, which is half Dr. Pete and half caffeine-free diet cola. Says it’s even more like actual Dr Pepper. The only flavor I didn’t like was lemon-lime, which tasted really artificial to me. But then again, I’ve been eating lemons whole my entire life. I’m probably just a lemon snob.

I advise getting some extra bottles, so you’ll always have chilled water on hand. We have three one-liter bottles, and four half-liter bottles — the half-liter bottles are colored orange and green, so we each have our own two. (I’m orange.) They fit perfectly in our lunch bags, which is nice for taking to work.

I also advise getting a spare CO₂ cylinder, so you always have a full on hand to swap out when the one in the machine runs dry. When they’re empty, you can trade in the empties for full ones at a discounted price — Bed, Bath and Beyond will swap your cylinder for $15 (a new one costs $30). They also carry a large collection of syrups. You can also find the syrups at Target, Macy’s, and (weirdly) Best Buy, among other places.

We’ve decided to explore a strange new world … of tea. Specifically, loose-leaf tea. Which we figured was probably tastier than the stuff that comes in bags (and boy howdy, did we figure right).

So instead of getting a perforated metal acorn-shaped tea ball or anything like that, we went with the techy gadget:

Yes, the name is a bit overly clever. But the IngenuiTEA is a pretty sharp little item. Scott already has an AeroPress coffee maker, which he loves the everloving crap out of. And it certainly makes the coffee creation process quick, clean, and easy.

Anyhoo, with this little doodad, you fill it with the tea leaves, heat up some water in a kettle or the microwave, then pour the water into the pot and close the lid.

Things get all steepy, for however long you’re supposed to let things steep. Most of what we’re trying out are black teas or spicy chai blends, so it’s usually 5 minutes or so. But then, the really cool part:

Put the thing on top of your teacup or mug or glass, and it takes a tea whiz through the bottom!

Because I’m twelve years old inside, I don’t think I’ll get tired of this device taking a tea-pee anytime soon.

We got the 16-ounce IngenuiTEA, but they also make a 32-ounce for the truly hardcore tea drinker. But we find the 16-ounce model gives us each a nice little 8-ounce cup, just enough tea for a tasty and refreshing treat, but not so much that it gets cold before you’re done drinking it.

So, how about the teas themselves? They’re all WAY better than stuff made with a bag.

We went to our local big bulk tea store, TeaVana, out at the mall. Unfortunately, the smallest amount they’ll sell is two ounces, which can range from five or six bucks up to twenty or more. And they stress how much you need to keep it in airtight, light-tight tins. Do you want to buy some of their tins? For another ten bucks each? No? Fine, we’ll put it in one of these roll-top bags. But if it goes stale, it’s all your fault.

We also ordered some samples from Adagio, the actual makers of the IngenuiTEA. They don’t try to foist their tins on you, and they’ll send 0.8-ounce sample packages of any damn tea they have, at two bucks for most of them (some of the fancy-pants teas are three or more dollars for the samples, but everything we’ve tried so far is a two-bucker). Plus, they come in light-tight zip-top bags. Which is just as good as an airtight tin, if you ask me. Heck, probably better, because you can squeeze out the extra air.

We did get some tins at the IKEA for the stuff we got from TeaVana. They have magnets on the back. So here’s a glimpse of our fridge, where we’re sticking them:

Fortunately, Adagio (home of the quick shipping and plentiful cheap samples) has the best teas so far. We have another selection of samples in the mail right now (it would appear they’re currently in New Jersey), along with a larger package of the rooibos vanilla chai, my total favorite so far.

(Perhaps we’ll open up that berry blast tonight. A tea without actual tea leaves is a fascinating concept.)

So, anyone out there a loose-leaf tea fan? Any recommendations, advice, or pointers? We’re total novices, but I can see how we can totally go down the rabbit hole and become real crazy tea hoarders. Let me know what you think!

Also, if you want to try out Adagio teas, they let me give out $5 coupon codes. But they’re only good for 24 hours. So if you’d like to get $5 off, while at the same time helping me collect some sort of “frequent teabagger” points, please let me know.

Now I think it’s time for a nice, warm cup of tea. Which I can sip while I’m playing Borderlands, happily shotgunning mutants in the face. Aaaah, such a life of finery!

I use Google Voice for my main phone number. When someone leaves you a voicemail, it’ll then use its high-quality algorithms or whatever and transcribe the message for you.

Usually it’s word salad.

Lately, I’m getting mostly political calls, and one of them tickled my fancy:

Hello, this is weapon Pam Powell and I’m calling to advise you that your boning this chick has been changed to 46. I’m calling to respectfully ask for your belt but they Representative August 14, 2012 authorized to support More Jobs Education, thank you bye our communities. I will be positive passionate process that patient sample so we can meet chocolate first advance, but I would like to raise rather than the agony of defeat. If you go. I think I’ll let you know what the green envelope and please help parents house and house and how for State Representative August 14th. Thank you so how much and I’ll see you left with you. Okay, that’s why I won’t all of us today. God Bless you.

Well, then, weapon Pam Powell. I’ll have to watch out for boning this chick. Although I do like the idea of a chocolate first advance.

In related news, roughly half of our mail these days is huge postcards from politicians. I think for the next election come November, I’m going to keep a record of all of the postcards and phone calls, and just vote for the people who haven’t wasted paper or my time or both.

I’m very, very glad to be on the backside of July. Because man, was that one packed month.

Most of the busy came from work. I’d been working at one specific desk in my department, booking one specific kind of talent and writing contracts for them. Now I’m at a different desk, writing contracts for a completely different kind of talent. Which you’d think would be similar, but they’re done in completely different ways, and it’s surprisingly hard to get your head working in a different direction.

(Could I use the word “different” more? Probably.)

At any rate, I wasn’t able to dedicate all of my time learning the new job, since I still had to do the old job, so for a couple of weeks I’d hop over to the new desk for an hour or two at a time every day, and learn a small portion of the job, and scribble down notes. And of course, in a 20-step process, that means learning step 17 one day, then moving on to step 8 the next day, then learning both step 4 and step 11 the next. It’s only now that I’ve been doing the job for a week that I’m seeing all of the steps in order, and things are clicking.

Add in that during this fortnight, while learning the new desk, the other person who did my old job (several of the desks have two people splitting the load) was on vacation. So I spent two weeks covering two desks while learning a third. Then after that, I got to spend a week training someone to do my old desk, while still popping over to the new desk and learning more little tidbits there.

Yeesh, I’m tired just writing about it. But I made it through. I’m slow now, because I’m going over everything a thousand times, and I’m consulting my notes on every step. Time will bring up my speed.

Things are good in the homestead. Scott went off to San Diego Comic-Con, and had an enjoyable time. I considered going, for a short while, but eventually realized that the very thought of it was making me panic. Too many people, too small a space, unknown city … I would have been a crazy panic panda the entire time. Once Scott got there, he confirmed that me staying home was the absolute right choice.

(We are planning on going on JoCo Cruise Crazy next February. It’s like a very small con, centered around people I like very much, and with your hotel room right there, instead of a crowded 30-minute bus ride away. Centered around a tropical cruise vacation where you don’t have to worry about finding a place to eat or a quiet corner, since it’s ALL places to eat and quiet corners. It seems like the perfect kind of con for me.)

The cats are doing well, and remain the most beautiful cats in the world. With the kissiest little faces. Look at Commie’s little face! I think I’m going to go give him a smooch right now.

I’ve acquired a Miracle Fruit plant, because I’m crazy that way. If you haven’t heard of Miracle Fruit, it’s a small berry that you crush in your mouth and swish around, and then for a couple of hours afterward, sour things taste sweet. You could eat a whole lemon, and it would taste like amazingly sweet lemon candy. There’s a chemical (called “miraculin,” hilariously enough) in it that alters the receptors on your tongue.

No berries yet on this plant, and I don’t know how long it’ll take before some arrive. It’s a slow-growing plant. But since the berries themselves cost from two to five dollars apiece online, I figured I’d just try to grow my own. (You can also get tablets made from the fruit, which are cheaper than the fruits themselves, but apparently don’t last anywhere near as long.)

Finally, we’ve finally become people who put little family decals on the car window. These are the Star Wars family car decals from ThinkGeek. Which are, sadly, out of stock right now. They came in a set of 50, so we have Jawas and Vaders and Lukes and such galore. What to use them on … hmmm. These particular choices are based on How to Decide Which Star Wars Character You Are Most Like, in which Rick imagines us as we really are.