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It’s a marathon morning; I just finished watching the boys’ performances, and now it’s on to girltown. It’s also laundry day here at the House of Meyer — the whites are in the wash, the colors are in the dryer, so let’s get into some singing!

Crystal Bowersox – Fresh out of the hospital, mamasox has the lead-off spot. She performs with a packet full of trinkets in her pocket, and has a twin brother. She’s singing some CCR this week. It seems apt to give a gospel twist to a song called “Long as I Can See the Light”. It was well-sung, and she’s very authentic, but it just wasn’t terribly exciting. I wouldn’t call it boring necessarily, but it didn’t thrill me. The judges (including Ellen wearing a jaunty ascot tonight) are all madly in love with her. Kara says she improved over last week’s “You Oughta Know”, which is so odd, since last week she sang “Hand in My Pocket”. But all Alanis songs are interchangeable, I guess. By the way, it appears that she was hospitalized for a complication with her diabetes, which isn’t surprising what with all the stress these kids must be under. Even if she didn’t sing well, she’d be totally safe.

Haeley Vaughn – I typed both her first and last names wrong initially (because Hayley Vaughan makes more sense). Did you know she makes most of her flower headbands herself? And admits she has no confidence in herself? And did you know that when she smiles, something about her teeth makes me feel like she’s going to bite me in the throat? Also, she’s the female pick for Vote for the Worst, so I fully expect some awfulness again this week. She’s singing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus (I thought she said “The Klein”). Long story short, the song sucks, and her performance of it sucks more. Pitchy, twangy, bad karaoke. Judges agree.

Lacey Brown – I really want to like this girl. She’s the quirky short-haired redhead! Last year she lost out a semifinal spot to that horrendous Megan Joy Corkery. Tonight she’s singing Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me”, and it has its problems. She actually has a little bit of the same goat-bleat quaver in her voice that Megan Joy had, and while Lacey has more control over her voice than Megan Joy did, she’s still all over the place. She’s hitting sharp notes and flat notes, and notes you never knew existed. Randy calls it “karaoke”, but what really intrigues me is that he has a heart with eyes on it on his sweater. What the hell is that? The rest of the judges are mostly in my corner.

Katie Stevens – Last week, the judges criticized her for singing “Feeling Good”, saying it was too old for her. So this week she’s tackling Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On”. Which is one of my favorite songs to play in Band Hero. I don’t think I’d call it a younger song per se, mainly because CBR has such a rich, mature voice. Katie does all right with the song, but it needs to be moved up into a different key; the low notes are lost, as is so often the case on this show. But it’s better than last week. Ellen agrees with me that she’s still not singing young enough stuff. The rest of the judges agree. They may seem harsh, but it’s all valid, valid, valid.

Didi Benami – Is it just me, or does this girl look a LOT like Brooke White from season 7? I liked Brooke, restarts and all. Plus, she meows songs. Just like I do! Last week, she sounded very Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack. This week, she’s singing the classic “Lean on Me”. She mixes up the notes in the verse, so it’s not identifiable as the original. Then she goes back to the regular melody for the chorus, and it’s not as good, because you know what notes she’s supposed to be hitting. I worry about the voters this week, but I really do hope she stays around; she could be very, very good.

Michelle Delamor – She’s tackling Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open”, which is a … fascinating choice. As she sings, let’s analyze her outfit. Half-gloves that only cover the fingers, although they don’t appear to cover all the base knuckles. Over one of those, a giant tacky cocktail ring. Black jean leggings underneath a white juniors’ bubble-skirt strapless dress underneath a cropped black jacket. And stilletto boots. Is the singing over yet? Because it’s just as godawful as her outfit. Her pitch is all over the place, she can’t quite make the high notes, and the final two notes are more pitiful than powerful. She says she felt good afterward, but the grimace on her face belies that statement. The judges are mixed.

Lilly Scott – She plays a lot of instruments, including the melodica and “the Moog”. She’ll be playing the 12-string guitar for “A Change is Gonna Come” this week. She’s also supposed to work on opening her eyes more and looking at the camera. Well, she pretty much fails at the eye stuff, but I think her reworking of this classic song is pretty entertaining. she changed it up, she made it her own, and even though the song’s from 1964, it didn’t feel old. If she can keep improving, and not become one of those finalists who start strong then slowly creep backward, she has top 4 written all over her.

Katelyn Epperly – For her pre-sing interview, she’s wearing a Madonna-in-1984 outfit, as if she’s going to burst out singing “Lucky Star”. Last week, Kara criticized her makeover, and this week … she’s just as glammed up. But Kara’s right; Katelyn looks much better looking natural. Not with this white satin and gold lamé, ginormous earrings, and glam squad makeup. She’s the first contestant so far in the semifinals to play the piano, singing Coldplay’s “The Scientist”. And it’s surprisingly good. Sure, a couple of bum notes here and there, but for a ballad, it was quite compelling. It didn’t bore me. The judges think it was too slow, but we’ve had speedier ballads that were so much worse.

Paige Miles – In her spare time, she colors coloring books. I tapped her to be eliminated last week for a horrible song choice. This week she’s doing Kelly Clarkson’s “Just Walk Away”. She changes the notes all around in the verse; that is to say, she takes away most of the challenge, and just sings a few of the same notes over and over again. We get a shot over her shoulder of the judges, and Simon’s digging around on the floor for something. She follows the real melody for the chorus, and has to go up into a whisper for the high notes. She has the type of voice that we always hear on Idol, fair to decent but without any real passion; just warbling pop. She’s not connecting to the lyrics AT ALL. She’s cracking her voice constantly throughout the shouty bridge, and she ends the song with a whimper instead of a bang. She would have fit in three or four seasons ago, but this isn’t where AI has moved along to recently. The judges are mixed; some like it, some hate the song choice.

Siobhan Magnus – Maybe it’s because she’s a mellow, slow-talking girl … but I find her personality-free. She had a mohawk a while back! And no, that doesn’t suit her at all. She’s just boring. This week she’s singing “Think”. And I have every common complaint — she’s not connecting with the song, she’s not putting enough passion behind it. She’s hitting most of the right notes (except for a couple of the higher ones), but until the very end, there just wasn’t any strength behind them. It got better at the end, but it felt karaoke to me, and again, it felt way too old for her. I guess I’m on a different page from the judges, because they all seem to love it.

It’s harder to pick the bottom two from the girls. Crystal and Lilly are totally safe in the top. Then there’s a glut of okay girls. From the recaps, and looking back, I’m thinking Lacey and Michelle for being off-key and uninteresting. Although Katie might be down there too. I’ll give Haeley another week because she has the power of badness behind her.

This week, the boys are performing on Tuesday because Crystal Bowersox is in the hospital. One has to wonder, would they have swapped everyone for just anyone? Or only for a clear front-runner? At any rate, we can only hope that all of our contestants have shed their first-night nerves and can get a little more bold and confident. And we can also hope that they all sing better.

Last week, Ellen wore a white button-up shirt with a loosely tied blue gingham necktie, which was adorable. Tonight it’s a khaki shirt and a white necktie, and she looks more like some 1940s explorer. Which is also kind of cool. She makes me want to go out and buy some ties.

Michael Lynche – In his pre-sing package, we see him weightlifting one of the tiny boy contestants, which is awesome. He’s singing James Brown’s “This Is a Man’s World”. Not exactly a song I think of as a real singer’s song. And the arrangement has some weird stops and starts. His energy is great, but the song, not so much. He’s still totally safe, and he’s headed straight for the top 12. The judges all love him.

John Park – He’s been blah and boring so far, and we didn’t get to know him very much during the audition rounds. He’s doing “Gravity” by John Mayer, and he’s battling being boring by sitting on a stool. YAWN. It’s a plodding song, and it sounds like it needs to be more bluesy than what he’s giving us. The judges like it better than last week, but still call him safe. And boring. And forgettable.

Casey James – He hasn’t had a TV since around age 7. So he’s a pop culture vacuum. He’s doing Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”, which we’ve only heard a thousand or so times on American Idol. He has a pretty blue electric guitar, and he opens with some gentle shredding while we look at him with the down-low crotch cam. His voice is … okay? He’s hitting some of the notes right, but there’s a real shaky quality to his voice; not a full goat-bleat, but more like a nervous quaver. At the end, he shreds some more. Dude, this isn’t Guitar Idol. And get a haircut. The judges are split between yay and meh.

Alex Lambert – OH GOD THE MULLET MAKE IT STOP. He’s one of those stagefright guys who barfs before shows. This week he’s sitting on a stool, hiding behind his guitar while doing John Legend’s “Everybody Knows”. Man, I’d love this to be Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows”. I’ll give the kid this much — he’s WAY better than last week. And he has a really nice tone to his voice. Good for him, that’s the kind of improvement we like to see. Now get a haircut. Of course, the judges are delighted with his improvement. Ellen puts it best with her banana-in-a-paper-bag analogy.

Todrick Hall – The lovely folks at Vote for the Worst have compiled a nice story about the Todrick scandal, and how he allegedly ripped off hundreds of parents and kids for a show he produced. Me, I just hate him because of his name. This week he’s singing Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do with It” while wearing a shiny, shiny jacket. He’s all about the runs and the fancy notes. I find his arrangement to be cheeseball lounge-singer stuff. The judges, for the most part, agree with me.

Jermaine Sellers – He starts his pre-sing package by saying, “It ain’t the clothes that make the person, it’s the person that makes the clothes.” So he sleeps in a onesie, and this week for the performance he’ll be wearing a bow tie and cardigan. Ghastly. He was “too old” last week, so he’s going to young it up this week with … Marvin Gaye. Oh, and his HAIR! It’s like the fauxhawk equivalent of a smurf’s hat. Dude, this is JUST as old-lady-request at the hotel cocktail lounge as last week. The low notes are off-key, and the high notes are super-shouty. The judges agree, and then he gets all backtalky in a weird religious way. He knows god, y’all.

Andrew Garcia – He’ll be doing James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something”. Not a song with which I’m familiar. He’s perched on a stool without his guitar, and he’s kind of boring out of the gate. I miss the Andrew of “Straight Up” in Hollywood. I still think he’s destined for the top 12, but this performance isn’t doing him any favors. Blah song, performed in a blah manner. The judges also all want the Andrew of “Straight Up” to come back. Stop with the mundane, Mr. Garcia!

Aaron Kelly – He claims he’ll have more confidence this week. But he’s going to sing “My Girl”, which seems like a corny old-timey choice than can only end in tears. He starts out without the band, which is a really weird choice. Then he’s all about the runs and showy notes, and he still has that nervous shaky sound in his voice. Especially his falsetto note, ugh. The judges all feel it’s an improvement over last week, but there’s some questions about song choice. IMHO, he may be better, but that doesn’t necessarily make him good.

Tim Urban – GET A HAIRCUT. He’s the male choice by the snarkers over at Vote for the Worst. And he came back after being eliminated, for good reason. He’s singing Matt Nathanson’s “Come on Get Higher” — never heard of it. He has a guitar this week, but it doesn’t keep him from sucking. His pitch is all over the place, his last note is just terrible. But the background singers are lovely. The judges mostly agree, although Simon gives him some cred for improving over the trainwreck that was last week. The forces of evil at VftW are behind him, so I think he’ll be in for at least another week.

Lee Dewyze – He was one of the top guys last week, and we didn’t really see much of him in Hollywood week. He’s singing “Lips of an Angel” from a band called Hinder. Both band and song names are unfamiliar to me. No guitar this week, and he’s carrying around the microphone stuck in a mike stand. Overall it’s all right, but it’s not a showstopper. He’s hitting some dud notes in there, but it’s mostly on-key. The song itself is vaguely familiar-sounding, but also it sounds like a hundred other late-’90s schlocky poprock songs.

Overall, it wasn’t an exciting night of music. A few guys are totally safe — Big Mike, Andrew, and Lee are totally headed for the top. Then there’s a cluster of harmless, okay-sounding guys in the middle of the pack: Casey, Aaron, Alex. The bottom of the pile is Tim, Jermaine, Todrick, and John. This week, I’d send home John for being the most boring, and Jermaine for not improving and, honestly, being a creepy zealot. Although it would also make my heart smile to see Todrick get the boot.

Phony Pony Chunky Monkey

I’d never had Chunky Monkey ice cream, but Scott wanted to try making a low-carb version. So we got some banana flavoring, I soaked and toasted some pecans (apparently the original has walnuts, but me no likey), and I made some of the coconut oil chocolate to break up into chunks.

Since I’ve found the pasteurized in-shell eggs, our ice cream has raw yolks. Here’s what I used:

1 cup heavy cream
2 cups half-and-half
3 egg yolks (pasteurized)
1/2 cup Splenda
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 tsp banana flavor
6 drops yellow food coloring

Whisk the Splenda and the egg yolks until smooth. Add the cream a little at a time to thin it out, whisking as you go. Then you can dump in the rest of the ice cream ingredients, whisk it all together, then throw it in the ice cream machine for a half-hour. I added in some yellow food coloring just for the hell of it — you can totally leave that out.

After it was done, we took it out of the machine and mixed in a half-cup or so of chopped pecans and a half-cup or so of chunks of chocolate. Into the freezer it went!

I have to say, I really like this flavor combination. But Scott is the all-knowing person as far as how it should taste. He says the chocolate chunks should be larger, there should be more chunks of stuff overall, and it should be more banana-y. So next time, we’ll do more nuts, more and larger chocolate, and another teaspoon of banana. But for a first try, I’m making a note here: moderate success!

I stuck it out and watched 15 whole minutes of The Bachelor finale, which was kind of torture, so I could find out the DwtS contestants for this coming spring. I’ve never actually seen an episode of The Bachelor, but the part I did see seemed full of a guy pacing and lots of voice-over filler. Blah. Plus, it appears he chose the horse-faced girl. Anyhoo, here are the celebrity dancers!

Pamela Anderson – She was pretty much the one super-confirmed rumor. Will she be able to dance? I don’t think so, but she’ll jiggle really well.

Chad Ochocinco – I’ve never been a fan of the football players on this show; they usually dance poorly, but get huge amounts of cred for personality and effort, while everyone else has to actually dance well. And I don’t care for the fact that this guy changed his last name legally to match his jersey number. Gets my goat. Boo, Chad.

Aiden Turner – A soap star from All My Children. I haven’t watched AMC since college, so I have no idea who this guy is. According to the Wikipedia, he’s English, and kind of hunky.

Kate Gosselin – HOLY CRAP, Scott predicted this one as soon as J&K+8 imploded. I posted the prediction last season, and she was tops on our DwtS wish list, but we figured it would never happen. Turns out she’s a huge fan of the show. I predict she’ll be stiff and awkward, but because Jon turned out to be such a douche, she’ll get huge fan support.

Shannen Doherty – First Jennie Garth, now Shannen. Will Tori Spelling be far behind? Might do well, but I don’t think the voters will be there for her.

Buzz Aldrin – He’s, like, a thousand years old. But I have a feeling he may give good personality.

Evan Lysacek – Gold medal figure skater, sure to have some grace and ability. And easy on the eyes.

Erin Andrews – She’s on ESPN, in case you have no idea who this is. Never heard of her before. the ABC site says she was on her college basketball dance team, which I guess is like cheerleading, so she may not be as stiff and awkward as most.

Nicole Scherzinger – The Pussycat Doll. She’ll be just as much of a ringer as Mya was last year. Too much dance experience already puts her at the bottom of my list; I prefer my celebrities unschooled in dance.

Niecy Nash – I guess she was on Reno 911? Never saw it, not my cuppa. Comedians in general have a poor track record on the show.

Jake Pavelka – This year’s Bachelor, the chooser of the horse-faced girl. Really, ABC? This was the best you could do? With so many actual celebrities (from A-list down to D-list) who’d love to do the show?

Overall, thank goodness it’s down to 11 “celebrities” from last year’s too-huge crowd of 16. This year I’m pretty much watching for Kate Gosselin, since she fascinates the hell out of me. Otherwise, a couple of people I’m ready to dislike on sight, and a bunch of folks in the middle who might impress, might suck eggs, and might or might not be interesting.

GIRLS

I just don’t have it in me to recap the show this week. Although I’m still totally watching the hell out of it, and have opinions galore.

Really, none of the girls blew me out of the water. Lilly did the best job with the Beatles, Didi sounds like she should be on the Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack, and I have to give props to Crystal for being very up front about the fact that she’s only doing the show so she can make more money.

I’m thinking Paige, Janell, and Lacey for the bottom three; I’ll keep Lacey around and send the other two home. Paige’s song choice sucked, and Janell’s performance was cruzzy.

BOYS

Wow, here I thought after the girls yesterday, the boys MUST be better. But … no. The first few guys all stunk up the joint. Lee was the first one to be actually good, and even he hit some dud notes. But before that, Todrick (name bias) mangled Kelly Clarkson, Aaron was nervous and bland but cute, Jermaine shrieked, replacement Tim Urban was boring as hell with his terrifying Zac Efron haircut, and Joe sung just OK on an unfamiliar song.

Alex has a great voice, but he was a wadded up ball of nerves. And he needs to cut his mullet. Big Mike changed his song too much, and it didn’t look like he was really playing that guitar with his huge bear paws. Tyler reminds me of a couple of past contestants who seem to play dress-up with a style, but aren’t genuine. Bucky Covington as a rocker comes to mind, but there was another guy whose name I forget who was a total “rock” poseur. This Tyler is a total ’70s poseur.

Finally, Casey and Andrew rocked the end of the night (although I agree with Simon about Andrew; he needed to take a “Straight Up”-style risk). Good for both of them.

I’m going to call John Park (who? what? who?), Todrick, and Jermaine for the bottom three. Other guys may have been worse, but people love to keep cute little boys in the show. I guess of the three, Todrick (name bias!) will probably stay to torture me another week.

It looks like the fine folks at Vote for the Worst have turned their site into a decent-looking blog. I’m going to follow them on my RSS reader this season. Wheeee!

I’m in the middle of reading the February 26th issue of Entertainment Weekly, which was delivered to my home earlier this week. I don’t understand why it was delivered, since the label on the front clearly states my EW subscription expiration month as JAN10, but if they want to keep sending me free magazines, I’ll keep on reading them.

There’s an article in this issue about Lady Antebellum. The article taught me that Lady Antebellum is actually a group of three people, not one single person. My confusion stems from two sources: one is that the names Lady Antebellum and Lady Gaga both appeared on my radar around the same time, and since Lady Gaga is one person, I figured Lady Antebellum was as well. This, of course, is the same kind of rash assumption that caused Darius Rucker to shout at a friend of mine, “MY NAME IS NOT HOOTIE.”

I’ve never actually heard music from either Lady; country isn’t my thing, and although a friend of mine gave me a copy of a Lady Gaga album, I’ve been too busy listening to classic acts like Duran Duran to give it a shot. Although I do get to hear “Poker Face” almost every week at the roller rink.

The Lady mixup is not as confusing, however, as when a young female singer named Nelly Furtado appeared on the scene at roughly the same time as a young male rapper named Nelly. Man, that one boggled my mind. I was never really sure who was who most of the time. And I actually felt bad for both of them. Most of the confusion was probably in my own head anyway — many years ago, a girl I worked with said she was going to the Pink concert. I expressed my surprise, since I hadn’t heard that Pink Floyd was back together. Yes, I’d never heard of Pink at the time. And yes, she looked at me as if I’d grown a second head … because she’d never heard of Pink Floyd.

Bottom line, don’t call yourself Lady if you’re not a lady. That’s just confusing. Keep it normal and easily gender- and size-guessable, like that sweet young lady I’ve heard of recently, Flo Rida.

We’ve had the new bed for a week now, and I’m making a note here: huge success.

Here’s what we ended up getting: from IKEA, the ANEBODA bed frame and the SULTAN HUGLO mattress, which was the firmest spring mattress they had (and the name “HUGLO” immediately became joke fodder). I also got a GOSA SYREN pillow (for side sleepers). On top of that, we got a memory foam topper from Sam’s Club. We also got a jersey sheet set from Target.

The sheets are incredibly comfy, like sleeping in a giant t-shirt. And the mattress/pad combination is great — a nice solid base, with a firm but yielding layer of squish on top. I can lie on my side, with my bad hip pressing into the bed, and it doesn’t hurt. Yay!

I also took one of our little LACK side tables (they don’t appear to carry the nesting ones anymore, so no linkie for you) and put it at the foot of the bed for our old fat cat to use as a step up. He’s never been the best jumper, so this makes it easier to get on the bed for him. As you can see, he made it up there just fine. (You can also see my frog humidifier up in the left corner.)

A majestic beast on the new bed.

Sometimes, you want a quick and easy meal. Did you know you can make crispy, delicious chips using only cheese? They really hit the crunch spot, and carbs aren’t an issue.

Cut the cheese.

Nuke the cheese.

Eat the cheese.

I used slices of Tillamook medium cheddar, because it’s the best cheese on earth. And because when cut into nines, the slices make the perfect sized chips.

I cut a round piece of parchment paper (man, I love parchment paper) and arranged the cheese around the outside. Then I microwaved it for a minute. You can re-use the parchment paper a few times; just wipe the tasty cheese grease off between batches.

To finish, I took a Wholly Guacamole 100-calorie pack of guac, mixed in some extra red onion and lemon juice, and … yum.

Zazzed-up guac and cheese chips!

This is what I saw tonight as I walked out of work.

Yeah, it’s a pretty awesome place.

The new mattress has been purchased. Although it’s not in-house yet; IKEA is offering free removal of your old mattress with delivery of a new one, so we’re having the mattress and a new bed frame delivered tomorrow. Only one more night on ol’ lumpy!

We checked many a place. Several of the department stores at the mall carry mattresses, but for some reason, department store mattress salespeople (at least in Orlando) are exceptionally slimy. Plus, the prices are all a bit more than they should be. And if you want a mattress only, with no box spring? Even less of a good price. We checked Macy’s, Dillard’s, Sears, and JC Penney. Nuts to them.

We visited a joint called “Rooms To Go”, where capitalizing your preposition is all the rage. Upon entering the store, we were immediately pounced upon by a sales dude. We told him we wanted to just look at mattresses, and he delcared with pride, “They’re all throughout the store, in all of the displays!” Great. So we told him we’d do a lap and see what there was, but no. He wanted to know what kind we wanted, what we were looking for, blah blah. I told him I wanted a really firm mattress with no pillow top. He took us to a couple of sqashy-soft mattresses with huge layers of padding. I told him no, firmer. With less padding. We passed by a really firm-looking one, and when I stopped to look at it, he snapped, “NO, that’s definitely NOT the one you want.” then he took us to another squashy one with a huge layer of padding on top. I told him, “No padding. This is too soft.” His repsonse: “This isn’t a pillow top, and it’s the firmest mattress in the store.”

Turns out the one that was “definitely not the one [I] want” was the firmest (to me) and had no padding on top. When I told the guy that it was what I was looking for, he got all smarmy and said, “Clearly we’re just not communicating clearly.” I wasn’t about to give this douche any kind of commission, so we headed out.

We checked both Costco and Sam’s Club, to get the warehouse pricing. Sam’s Club actually had a nice Serta, but we’d have to get a U-Haul truck to get it home. Costco has good mattresses on their Web site, but you have to wait a month between ordering and delivery.

Scott tests the Sam's Club Serta.

So it was back to IKEA for more sitting on and laying on and checking out. We ended up with the firmest SULTAN spring mattress and the cheap-but-solid ANEBODA bed frame. Then we went back to Sam’s Club and got their memory foam topper, which was half the price of the one at IKEA. A stop at Target for sheets and a comforter (we’re trying out the jersey sheets that feel like t-shirt material), and we’re ready to go. I’ll report in after a few nights. If we hate the mattress, at least IKEA also has a 90-day like-it-or-swap-it policy.