FedEx is My Bitch

I have defeated the evil FedEx software. We ended up having to dig out a second computer that was laying around. I loaded up the FedEx software, got not only the devious label printer set up, but I have also managed to get this PC to print full letter-size sheets to a printer attached to a Macintosh three rooms away. I’ve also managed to get the network to recognize the internet on that computer, so we can send the daily reports to FedEx using the DSL instead of dialing up. And the best part is that my office of Macintosh users think I’m some sort of computer genius.

I say to thee, FedEx software… EAT IT!

Happy Oyster

I’ve been asked a number of times today if I have anything fun planned for Easter. Maybe it’s that I’m not a christian, but I never ask people if they’re planning on enjoying a religious holiday. Because I know that not everybody is of that religion, and not everybody celebrates that holiday. All I know is I get tired of the following:

Well-wisher: So, have anything fun planned for Easter?
Missy: Um… not really. I don’t celebrate Easter.
Well-wisher: Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t know you were Jewish!
Missy: Um…I’m not.

Then they give me the look. The “you have alien spiders on your face” look. And sure, I could just tell people, “Oh yeah, I’m sure Easter will be bitchin’.” But should I really have to do that? People act like I’m the rude one for not just “going with the flow.” But really, aren’t they the rude one for making assumptions? Wasn’t this country built on religious freedom?

At any rate, it’s only 12 days until Beltane.

Eat It, IRS!

I’m packing up the taxes so they may dash their way to Fresno, California for processing. This is the first time for Fresno; I used to send them to Ogden, Utah. Another first (at least in the last few years) — I get to use the yellow “no I’m not sending you money” label. That’s right, it’s refundsville, daddy-o! Not much of a refund, but any tiny bit coming back is better than having to cut a multi-thousand-dollar check

It does kinda irk me that after making me do all these calculations, and filling out that bastard of a 1040, their envelope isn’t postage-paid. So now I’ve got to waste a couple of precious Duke Kahanamoku stamps. Oh well; two 37¢ stamps are probably worth not having to worry about taxes for another year.

On a complete side note, I had to search five online ASCII tables before I could find the code for the “¢” sign. But I needed that authenticity. Can’t just go around saying $0.37 like a fool. Just another patented example of Missy’s Anal Nature&#169.

Oh Nooooo! Dr. A!

Atkins Hospitalized

“Low-carbohydrate diet promoter Dr. Robert Atkins remained hospitalized in extremely serious condition following surgery for severe head injuries he suffered in a fall on an icy sidewalk, his spokesman said… ‘He was negotiating the snow and ice and failed in that negotiation,’ spokesman Richard Rothstein said.”

Of course, I’m sure his detractors will twist the event so that it was Atkins’ weakened bones or frail health, due to his dangerous low-carb diet, that caused the fall. Jeez, the guy’s 72.

Today's Important Lessons

Here are a few things I’ve learned about life, the universe and everything this morning:

1. Empty vacuums suck more. I changed the vacuum bag during my spate of housecleaning, and discovered a world of difference. Not only is the vacuum lighter and more powerful now, but I got the extra treat of being creeped out by the old vacuum bag. It was so soft and pliable, all filled with dirt and cat hair and various other stuff, and lay there limply with its one long arm dangling out. It was like a heavy, dirt-filled corpse.

2. Cats don’t like vacuums. If you vacuum anywhere near a cat, they will run away and hide somewhere.

2a. Cats especially don’t like being chased by a vacuum. And they really hate it if you chase them while yelling, “Wahoo! Kitty-up!” Do this, and they’ll most likely flee to some high-up place and glare down at you like you’re History’s Greatest Monster for at least an hour.

3. Cat hair and kitty litter are both evil. They get everywhere. Especially in the corners where the vacuum won’t reach. I never dreamed I would one day need to sweep my carpet along the edges and corners with a broom before being able to vacuum. And the kitty litter, when swept, tends to bounce around like the small colorful balls in a child’s “popcorn” toy. Hair and litter are, like root beer, insidious. I will personally send a quarter to the first person (besides Scott) who can identify the source of my “root beer=insidious” reference.

4. I am stupid. I started the water running in the shower, reached my hand in to test the temperature, then pulled out my hand and dried my hand off on my towel before proceeding to step in the shower and completely soak not only my hand, but the rest of my body as well. Amazing how it has taken me nearly 31 years to figure out that the drying of the hand is, essentially, pointless.


We’ve turned on the setting on our TiVo that lets it record shows it thinks we’d like, based on things we’ve already recorded and watched. Today’s TiVo report:

1. Homekeepers with Arthelene Rippy
2. Russian Variety on the International Channel

So apparently TiVo thinks we are Russian speaking evangelical Christians. In order to snap TiVo out of its weirdness, I may have to intentionally record some porn. English-speaking porn, of course.