We watched Dexter right before this. I think it’s got me in the right mood: ready for the serial killing of songs from the 80s. Hard cider and corn nuts are ready. Let’s roll!

The 80s were embarrassing, apparently, so we’re going to hear the Idols’ most embarrassing moments. Oh, yay. We also have only an hour to get through eight singers, so let’s haul ass!

Luke Menard: His sister took pictures of him as a kid, in a tutu and hair barrettes. Oh noes! He’s singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” (which HAS to be more embarrassing than the picture), and the entire first verse has some new and unique notes that haven’t been heard before in this song. He also changes the way the lyrics scan in a couple of places. Weird. Instead of making the song current, as the judges always want them to do, he’s making it even MORE corny and cheesy. Randy’s iffy and calls it a surprising choice. Paula is likewise surprised, then goes on to some drunken stammering. Simon didn’t like, and calls it weak and girly. He also predicts that Luke won’t make it through to the final 10. Oh snaps! Overall, it was a wimpy opening to the night — as Howard Jones sang in the 80s, things can only get better.

David Archuleta: The most embarrassing moment in his dewy, young life was when his voice crapped out during a performance, and his mom ran up on stage and finished the song. He’s doing Phil Collins’ “Another Day in Paradise”, accompanying himself on the piano. We guessed which Phil song it would be, and neither of us guessed this. For the second half he gets up and stands, leaving the piano behind. It’s great, because he’s great, but it’s another ballad with social commentary. I want to see this kid have fun. Randy and Paula liked, but Simon warns him about being gloomy and singing sad songs. Yay, Simon and I are back on the same page. Simon also warns him that he’ll probably be in the final two, which would not surprise me.

Danny Noriega: His friend tripped him on some “huge” stairs. He then fell in front of a crush, and turned red as a “cute little tomato”. It was TMTH. ORLY, Danny? OMG. He then starts singing “Tainted Love”. Scott chimes in from back at his desk, “The only thing that would make him gayer is if Goaste were his backup dancer.” Is it any wonder I love this guy? Back to Danny — he changes up the sound of the song, but it’s no less 80s sounding, with some hot synth stings behind him. This kid should be singing tomorrow night. It’s another big bucket of meh; is he taking this thing seriously at all? Or even SRSLY? Randy’s iffy, Paula likes, and Simon thought the whole thing was horrible and “absolutely useless”. But after watching Danny’s reactions to Simon, I finally now know what kinds of kids use the MySpace.

David Hernandez: He did a photo shoot, and had a big booger in his nose in all of them. He sings Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”, and he starts out by giving us almost as much eyebrow-popping action as Phil Keoghan. It’s not too awful at the start, but once he gets to the power notes, it gets off-key. I hope Randy tells him that the song was too big for him, as Randy tends to do for the ladies who try to tackle Celine. But no! Randy tells him it was a good song choice (although there were a few sharp notes). Paula compliments him as well. Simon tells him he’s totally safe for the week, but it wasn’t as good as last week, and he should stick to the soul sound. Hmm.

David Cook

Michael Johns: They’re “working on a guitar”, so we’re skipping ahead to Michael, and will presumably come back to David later. His embarrassment was getting beat up while being a mascot in a suit. Ouch. He sings “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”, but he should have skipped over Simple Minds and chosen something from INXS. A little “Don’t Change”, perhaps? Anyhoo, it’s just OK — he changes some notes around in the bridge, and they don’t all work that well. Randy comments on the Michael Hutchence sound. He likes, Paula likes, Simon … liked but didn’t love. Like with Hernandez, Simon wants to hear more soul. And also “really, really” likes Michael. That’s hawt.

David Cook: He has a guitar in hand, so it must be working right. His embarrassing moment was freezing silently when he didn’t know some lyrics, as a small child. Scott comes up to see if the “Hello” we were teased with is the Lionel Ritchie version, and comments that Cook’s hat “is the hat of a jackass”. OH YES, it’s the Ritchie version, with electric guitar. It starts with some awful notes, but it actually turns out to be a not-bad arrangement. Too bad this song has me picturing a blind girl making a clay Lionel Ritchie head. Curse you, MTV! The ending blows, and the specialty guitar wasn’t necessary. Randy compliments the emo arrangement. Paula babbles her happy words. Simon compliments David’s bravery, and says he loved it.

Jason Castro: This one time, he was out on a date WITH A GIRL, and he was tying his hair back, and ripped one of his dreads out. EWWW. I still love him, but I still hate the hair. He does as commanded last week, and sits up on a stool without a guitar, singing Leonard Cohen’s/Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah”. I don’t know this song at all, so I don’t know how accurate it was. But it was really slow and down and morose. Randy compliments the degree of difficulty, and Paula agrees that he did it with effortless ease. The Buckley version is one of Simon’s favorite songs of all time, and he thinks what Jason just did is brilliant. Yay for you, cute icky-haired boy!

Chikezie: Oh, that’s right — he’s still here. His moment was when he first started high school and used this really clean bathroom, which turned out to be the ladies’ room. He always wondered why there were no urinals. He delivers “All the Woman I Need” in the way I imagine Onion columnist Smoove B. would. The notes are mostly all right, but he just skeeves me out. Randy likes, Paula likes, Simon doesn’t think it worked at all because at one point Whitney Houston did it. He calls it “cabaret”, and “not a very smart move”. Oooh, dis!

Going into the recaps, this is a tough week — nobody’s really standing out as utter crap, but nobody’s standing out as awesome either. Luke was dippy, Archuleta was great but too damn serious, Danny had the big ‘mo, Hernandez worked his eyebrows overtime, Michael did just all right, Cook made the biggest arrangement change (and in this recap, it struck me that he kind of looks like killer Dexter), Jason was twee, and Chikezie got smoove.

I’m going to go with the two performances that left me the coldest: Luke and Danny. Oh, I’m sure they’ll still be here next week, but a girl can dream.

We still haven’t received our deposit back from the old apartment. I looked up Florida law, and our landlord had 15 days to give us a check, or 30 days to send us a letter saying that she’d be keeping some/all of our deposit. Beyond 30 days with no contact, we’re entitled to the entire deposit back, whether or not she’d like to keep any of it for repairs.

I waited until day 31 (today) and sent her an email, just a friendly “what’s up, haven’t heard from you, let me know” kind of thing. She wrote back pretty fast — “I’ve been out of town for two weeks, I’ll mail out a check today.”

Now to wait and see the amount on the check. Hopefully it’ll be our full deposit back, so I don’t have to throw down with my sparse knowledge of law. And if it’s the full amount, we’ll celebrate with a delicious glass of tranya.