Neil Diamond week, eh? All right, let’s get to it.

Due to a flawed experiment, I’ll be brief this week. I tried to transfer the show to my computer via “TiVo Desktop”. It transferred all right, but without any sound … which kind of blows the point of AI. Maybe it’s my Windows Media Player settings. Sure looks great in HD on my monitor, though. So that’s two hours of transfer time wasted. It’s now 1 in the morning, and I have a lunch date tomorrow, so I’ll have to watch now. This will be heavy on the fast-forward button.

You should know going in that Neil Diamond is tied with me for most concerts attended, at three. He’s tied with Sting and Duran Duran … and I saw all three of the Neil Diamond concerts before age 12. My parents were big fans. So I’ll likely know all of these tunes. This week everyone will sing twice, with brief comments from the judges after the first five songs, then more in-depth commentary after everyone’s second song. And Simon’s brief comments are fabulous.

Jason Castro: He’s doing “Forever in Blue Jeans”, and it starts out really low. Too low. It’s then his usual wistful delivery with strummy guitars. Nothing surprising, nothing amazing. I love the kid (except his hair), but he’s getting tiresome.

Song 2: For his second tune, he’s sitting on the stool with no instrument, and he’s tackling “September Morn”. It’s in a weird key, and sounds vaguely off for the first half (although Jason and the band are equally off, so it may just be me and how this key strikes me). He seems like he kind of doesn’t care through this one, and it’s very bland.

Randy isn’t thrilled, Paula feels like the songs were the same, Simon doesn’t care for any of it.

David Cook: Blah blah Coke stools. He’s starting with “I’m Alive”, a lesser-known Diamond. He’s singing while playing his “AC” lefty guitar. He rocks it up somewhat, but it still sounds very much like a Neil Diamond song. Is it the chord progression? Or has he not changed it quite enough? Anyhoo, it’s not changed quite enough for my tastes.

Song 2: Number two is “All I Really Need Is You”, and he’s playing an acoustic guitar for this one. It doesn’t feel as Neil Diamondy, which is nice. But the arrangement is heavy on the electric guitar from the band, so his acoustic seems weird. It’s a good interpretation, though, and I think he did well for the night.

Randy claims that he’s a huge David Cook fan due to his rocking of the house. Paula is proud and such. Simon calls the first song OK, and the second one brilliant.

Brooke White: She’s starting with “I’m a Believer” while playing the guitar — she’ll hit the piano later. It’s too low, as most of their arrangements seem to be. but her silver lamé pants make her legs look ten miles long. Paula’s standing and dancing. It’s peppier than Brooke’s usual selections, which is a nice change — this one won’t make her cry. But it isn’t that exciting.

Song 2: She starts on the stools, and Seacrest points out lyrics written on her hand. She’s singing “I Am, I Said”. She gives the song her classic Brooke-with-piano treatment, and makes it sound like a Carly Simon tune. Again, good but not thrilling.

Randy comments that the second tune is musically challenging, and she did it well. Paula preferred the second, with the vulnerability. Simon hates the first song, calling it a nightmare; the second is “the Brooke we like” — not incredible, but better than the first.

David Archuleta: He’s tackling big hits tonight, starting with “Sweet Caroline”. He doesn’t change it up much, and so it’s like the original but done with his clear little miracle voice. We even have the horns section blatting away behind him. And it ends terribly, as so many of the AI arrangements do. But it’s a normal performance for little Dave.

Song 2: Big hit number two is “America”. In my opinion, terrible song choice. It feels very over-enunciated and his voice just doesn’t suit the style of the song. But I’m sure the jingoists and flag-wavers will love the crap out of it. And hell, probably the judges will too.

Randy says he’s in the zone — another good performance. Paula calls it the absolute perfect song for him to sing (ugh). Simon calls it a smart choice (yeah, just as smart as KLC doing “God Bless the USA”). They all love it. Ick.

Syesha Mercado: First up is “Hello Again”, so she’s getting the heavy ballad out of the way early. Smart girl. She’s barefoot and sitting on the stairs, like she’s been taking dirty hippie lessons from Brooke. She sounds totally Broadway in this performance, and the ending sucks huge ostrich eggs — it goes soft when it should go strong. And as usual, nothing shocking or unusual here.

Song 2: Closing the night, she’s doing “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”. It feels totally dated; there’s nothing modern at all about this arrangement. And it’s not a style of song that I really like, so I’m not a fan. But she does a good enough job with it, I suppose.

Randy loves it, and tells her she’s finally finding who she is. Paula enjoyed the two different sides, the vulnerable and the showy performer. Simon calls it the strangest show they’ve ever done (true dat, Cowell) and compliments Syesha’s acting before telling her she might be in trouble tonight.

Recaps: Jason was sweet and cute and blah. Then he was maudlin and cute and blah. Cook rocked as per usual, then rocked a little bit more. Brooke was bubbly and karaoke with very long legs. Then she got all weepy at the piano, like she always does. Archuleta turned in the exact same physical performance on two different huge, hardly-rearranged hits. And Syesha was boring with a slow song, then boring with an upbeat song.This is tough, since there are three who could be in the bottom. And their names are all not David. I guess I’ll go with Brooke and Syesha, guessing that the tween girls will keep Jason in the running despite a sub-par performance. And I’ll send Syesha home.

Oh noes, this week we’re only getting a bottom two instead of a bottom three. Oh well, better odds for all of us, I guess.

The kids do a hideous rendition of “All I Ask of You”, Seacrest grills ALW with some awful questions, and the Ford commercial is a weird rip-off of the “Take on Me” concept to the song “Tainted Love”, and a couple of the kids look really surprisingly good in the goth toughie gear.

Time for Seacrest to play sorting hat, and divvy the kids up. First out are both Davids, who are of course both incredibly safe. Although Seacrest spends about eight years asking them questions and making them wait before they can go sit the hell down on the couch. Seacrest then speaks of the kids left backstage, and we catch Jason Castro in a huge yawn. Ha!

We get a package about former Idols on Broadway. Tamyra is in Rent, Clay Aiken is in Spamalot. And Clay Aiken’s hair is just awful.

Now, how about a performance from Simon’s discovery, Leona Lewis. I’ve read about her in the entertainment rags, but I haven’t yet heard her sing. 30 seconds is about enough — not the kind of music I’m interested in listening to, although I guess she does bubblegum pop well enough.

Back to the sorting of the kids! Next out are Syesha and Brooke. After more of the blah-blah, Brooke is told she’s safe. Syesha heads over to the stools. We take a commercial break, then get the last two out — Carly and Jason. More of the blah-blah, and it’s Carly to the stools — Jason is safe.

Our bottom two get to sing their songs again. I’ve said it before — if they’re the bottom two, do we really want to hear those most unpopular songs again? Carly shrieks her way through “Superstar” again, and Syesha hits way more flat notes with “One Rock and Roll Too Many” than she did the night before. But she injects just as much phony emotion.

Seacrest draws the suspense out a little bit, then reveals that it’s Carly going home. Exactly as she’s wanted to for the last few weeks. !

We just got done watching some of the 2004 show Long Way Round. What a fantastic few hours of television that was. And now, I can hit Idol commercial-free!

It’s the music of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber! I’ve been waiting for this week, and I’m sad that it’s only 6 songs. I can guarantee you I’ll know all of these songs, so I finally feel somewhat adequate to judge these performances from a place of song familiarity.

In the audience tonight, the still-beautiful David Duchovny! And … some other people. There’s a little green FOX logo in the corner for Earth Day. The band has increased to an orchestra, and they’re down on the stage tonight.

We get a package about ALW and see the kids visiting the theater where Phantom is being performed in Las Vegas at the Venetian. Is that a permanent show? If so, cool. He mentions that he’s been doing TV shows back in Britain, helping young people perform. I’ve seen snippets of a couple of them — like that crappy Grease: You’re the One That I Want show here in the US, he’s done shows over there for a couple of roles in musicals, such as How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (Which, BTW, had John Barrowman as a host/judge/mentor. Swoon!)

Syesha Mercado: She’s doing “One Rock and Roll Too Many,” and I can tell you immediately that it’s from Starlight Express. An intriguing choice. We start off with a close-up of her left hand, which has what looks like an engagement ring on it. Did she get engaged recently, just like KLC did? Did it happen on the AI stage, and we missed it, just like with KLC? Anyhoo, she starts the song at least one measure off, and despite her claims to ALW that she was going to do it “animated,” she starts out drab and boring and uninteresting. And she forgets a couple of words in the second line. She wanders around and dances some with Ricky Minor, then stands with her hand on her hip a little bit. She misses a huge chance to get the audience to cheer with the “what do you say” lines. I’m totally disappointed with the performance — even with such a frivolous song, it could have been so much more. Randy feels that it’s her element, and that it’s her best performance to date. Paula goes out on a limb and tells her she was “real good.” Simon calls it “very sexy” and agrees with Randy, and says she showed “masses of personality.” I disagree.

Jason Castro: He’s on the interview stools to start. May I predict now, something from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat? He seems the type. He admits he’s never seen any of the ALW shows, but he recognizes many of the songs. Whoa, he’s doing “Memory”? Jason, honey, you’re no Grizabella the Glamour Cat. ALW can’t imagine it done by a young man, so let’s see what happens. He sings it accurately, but he’s throwing way too much phony-feeling emotion into it, including squints and grimaces. It’s like he took over Michael Johns’ creepy mouth-shapes. Randy calls it a trainwreck, and thinks there’s too much melody for Jason. Paula calls it a wise choice, even though everybody expects an older woman to sing it. She thinks that this performance will draw people because it’s so “unique.” Simon calls it the longest two minutes of his life. He compares it to being forced by one’s mum and dad to sing a song at a wedding.

Brooke White: She’s looking very Legally Blonde in her pink top, and she’s tackling “You Must Love Me,” the song written for the movie version of Evita. ALW says he doesn’t think she had a clue about what she was singing. So he walks her through the story, and now that she knows the background, I’m sure she’ll bawl her eyes out when she sings. She screws up on the second line, and asks the band to start again. It’s the second time she’s done that, and I think it’s only the second time it’s ever happened on this show. They all reboot, and she carries on with getting the words right. It’s all right, but it’s nothing earth-shattering. It’s weird to say that Madonna did it much better. Randy says it wasn’t great for him, but likes that she listened to ALW and understood the emotions. Paula pauses for a long while, then tells her to NEVER start and stop. But she does love that Brooke didn’t overact (which makes me glare at the previous two, who both did). Simon loves live TV, because the reboot was so dramatic, and it made her so uptight and tense. Seacrest asks about the do-over, and Simon calls the restart brave, and says he would have done the same thing. Then the judges bicker about stopping and starting (and Paula seems to think Brooke should just have made up words to approximate what she felt until she remembered the words again).

David Archuleta: The kid starts on the interview stools, and gets to meet a bunch of sisters who all want to hug him. He’s going to sing “Think of Me,” another song choice that seems to both horrify and delight ALW, since it’s written for a high soprano diva. He totally throws ALW with his rendition, which seems like it may be an almost David Cook-grade rewrite. ALW says bravo, and his big advice is that David needs to keep his eyes open. He totally turns the song into a boy-pop ballad, and it totally works. It’s fantastic, and if the judges say different, I’ll punch them in the junk. I can’t say much more than that. We see David’s dad in the audience, and the guy looks like a less hagged-out Danny Bonaduce. We see ALW, who appears to be pissed and applauding out of duty. Randy calls it the bomb. Paula calls it absolutely perfect. Simon calls it pleasant, but one of his weakest performances, and nothing that people will remember. All right, Simon, bend over for the junk-punch.

Carly Smithson: Ah, good, I was hoping Cook would get the headliner spot. Carly started with “All I Ask of You,” but ALW cut her off, correctly noting that’s not a good song for a belter. (Plus, the first line had too many hard R sounds for her.) She then switches to “Superstar,” which is much more appropriate for her. She says the song has her written all over it, which I expect to be inaccurate. She’s wearing an ill-fitting minidress, which is distracting. She also can’t or won’t hit the highest note in the chorus, which always ticks me off. You’d think I’d like this quirky girl with her Enigma husband, but she just leaves me SO cold. Her name might as well be Meh. Randy calls it good, but maybe not her best. Paula loves it because it was unexpected, and worried that it might be too high in range, but loves “what she did” (What, struggle and fail to hit the good notes?) in the chorus. Simon calls it one of his favorites of the night, and it finally becomes clear to me that Simon and I are totally on different pages this week.

David Cook: He’s going to do “Music of the Night”, and he grew up doing musical theater. Really? ALW hopes that David can come out of himself and find that mature passion that he needs to pull off this song, but his “maybe it will work” doesn’t speak of confidence. He’s wearing his hair brushed to the side, and appears to have embraced his ginormous forehead. He sings the song softly and beautifully, and hits some great notes throughout (and an especially nice one at the end). He’s no Michael Crawford, but he kicks Gerard Butler’s ass. I notice that he’s wearing a red rubber support bracelet, and I hope that it’s a Stephen Colbert WristStrong bracelet. Randy tells him it was amazing, unbelievable, and “another hot molten hot lava bolt tonight.” Which is a little long for a pet name, if you ask me. Paula calls him well-rounded, and the song fantastic. Simon doesn’t like this side of David, prefers the grittier raw side, but says he made the most of the song.

Recaps: Syesha put on a big fake show of fakery, and they show a flat note I didn’t notice the first time through. Jason’s a big pansy boy, but I think he’s adorable. Brooke sang to a fixed point above the audience’s heads off to my right. Archuleta reworked his song brilliantly. Carly bores the crap out of me no matter what she does. Cook played his song straight, and did a surprisingly great job with it.

Both Davids are totally safe, which means I only have one more safety spot to issue. I’m going with Syesha and Carly and Brooke for the bottom. Much as I’d like to see Carly go, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it’s bye-bye for Brooke because of her big whoopsie moment. You know what, it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s Jason in the B3 instead of Syesha, but I have to go with who bores me or irritates me more.

FFing my way through the results, as usual. Ah, it’s the good ol’ split groups. On one side, Syesha, Carly and Jason. On the other side, Kristy, David Cook and Brooke. And poor little David Archuleta is, I’m sure, going to be asked to voluntarily join the group he thinks is the top three. But we won’t get to see that awkwardness until after some of the insipid viewer questions and a Mariah Carey performance.

Archuleta is safe, of course. Then Seacrest has David Cook switch with Syesha, and I have to wonder if he screwed up when sending the kids to their proper sides. He then, as we all knew he would, tells Archuleta to join the safe group. Seacrest finally brings the safe group over — David Cook, Carly and Jason. Carly seems to give Seacrest a “shut up” and a punch.

Next week is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Sweet.

Bottom three is all chicks — Kristy, Syesha and Brooke. The lack of Carly is really a surprise. Syesha is sent back to safety first, then it’s blonde-on-blonde. And finally, thank goodness, the planets align and Kristy Lee Cook will be leaving the competition.

I still haven’t watched the “Idol Gives Back” show. It’s sitting on the TiVo, crying.

They show the top seven, and I’m like, “That’s right, Kristy Lee Cook is still there.” A couple of coworkers have commented that they hate Brooke White. It’s always fascinating to see who hates who.

Our mentor tonight is Mariah Carey, so we get a horrifying package showing off the utter crap she produces. Oh, can you tell my opinion of Mariah Carey? I was hoping it would be Andrew Lloyd Webber week, but I guess I’ll just have to wait for that. And suffer this week. I expect to know a couple of the songs, but not all of them.

David Archuleta: Is he sick? Or hitting late puberty? His voice sounds really low and weird in his interview package. He’s singing “If You Believe” from The Prince of Egypt. He gets the backup singers right down on stage with him, and he’s wearing what look like leather pants. He sounds exactly as we’d expect him to, and it’s a decent but entirely unsurprising performance. Randy tells him he can sing anything, and calls him “da bomb”. Paula babbles about making Mariah proud, and Simon knew that this would be David’s song choice.

Let me make an aside here. I think that almost all of these kids are entirely too predictable at this point. We know just how they’re going to sound, and what kind of arrangements they’re going to do. It makes me yearn for surprises, like when Kelly Clarkson kicked the crap out of “Stuff Like That There” during big band week in season 1. I want to see and hear something I’ve never heard out of these guys, and I want to love it. But I don’t think it’s going to happen.

Carly Smithson: She’s on the interview stools, mourning the loss of Michael Johns. She’ll be singing “Without You”, which for me is Harry Nilsson, not Mariah Carey. Will she load it with fake emotion, belt it, and appear angry? Let’s see! She starts out too low, and then has to go up when she should go lower. It mucks with the melody, and not in a good way. She’s had to make a lot of changes to make up for her limited range. But she’s belting, and she seems angry. although she smiles at the end, as if to make up for her angry delivery. Randy likes that she challenged herself, but didn’t care for the lower range stuff at the start. Paula admires that she used vocal restraint (what?) and Simon doesn’t think she pulled it off.

Syesha Mercado: She’s doing “Vanishing”, a title I don’t recognize but a melody I do. She’s singing with the pianist on stage (as did Carly), but it isn’t until now that I notice the pianist’s little braided beard. What is he, Captain Jack Sparrow? Or a Pharoah? Hey, that rhymed. Her performance, like the others so far, is entirely predictable — belting out strong notes, with an occasional dud in the bunch, sounding like she always does. Randy thinks she did a good job, it was a hard song, a couple of pitchy moments but good job. Paula calls her smart, for “picking a song that not very many people know”. Really, Paula? If *I’ve* heard it, then it’s not that obscure. I don’t go around looking for Mariah Carey B-sides. Simon agrees that it was a tough choice, because not many people know about the song. What? I’m terribly confused. Do any of you NOT know this song?

Brooke White: She’s on the interview stools. She missed her sister’s wedding on Saturday, and they tried to get a cardboard cutout of her … but didn’t. Dull. She’s performing “Hero”, and let’s all expect it to be soulful and sweet and so infused with emotion that she cries. She’s playing the piano without any other backing instruments. It’s soft and gentle, then she rips into the bridge pretty well, then it’s back to being soft, and you can really see that she’s shaking and quaking and barely keeping it together. As with everyone else, it’s what we expected to see. But she did well with it. Randy likes it for the most part, although the bridge was weird for him. Paula thinks her brave. Simon compares it to ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun. This launches a huge argument about the location of the meat, and the presence or non-presence of condiments, and it makes me want to punch every single judge in the ass.

Kristy Lee Cook: She’s doing “Forever”, a song that Mariah admits is not well-known. Kristy’s going to try to get emotionally connected to the song, or so she says. I predict an emotionless performance where the words hold no meaning, and she sings like a mannequin. I would predict being off-key, but she hasn’t been as awful lately. Oh, and I’ll go ahead and predict some inappropriate country twang. Ready, go. There’s the soullessness. There’s the twang! Oh, there are some sour notes! There’s fake emotion — honey, shaking your head doesn’t mean emotion. Bo-ring. Randy didn’t think it was amazing, there were pitchy notes … but she stepped up toward the end. Paula babbles nonsense, the only comprehensible thing being that she was blown away. Simon calls it whiny at times, and thinks she did well with the Mariah cards she was dealt, but he wasn’t dazzled by it.

David Cook: He surprised Mariah by picking “You’ll Always Be My Baby”. It appears he’s making it more folk-rock-ish. I predict he’ll throw it into another key, and make it sound like a grunge song from the 90s. Off he goes — it doesn’t sound like a Mariah Carey song, which is awesome. The grunge sound is there, but softer. The background singers kick in, and it sucks briefly. But when he sings it alone, it’s quite good. Randy stands up for the first time this season. Paula thinks it could be “in a movie soundtrack right now”. What an odd observation. Simon comes out of “karaoke hell” and finds David a breath of fresh air. David seems genuinely touched and delighted by the praise. He actually has tears in his eyes. Aww.

Jason Castro: Will he sing sweetly, and play the guitar? He’s doing “I Don’t Want to Cry”. Do I know this one? Unsure. Oh noes, he’s not playing the guitar! But he’s sitting on his little stool. He’s actually singing more powerfully than usual (although it’s a wispy power at best) and doing quite well. Not quite as awesome as Cook, but a very good performance of what was probably a craptacular song. Randy didn’t really love it, he felt like he was at a beach luau. Paula wants to be at that luau … all night long. Simon agrees with Paula, although he apparently doesn’t know what a luau is. He also believes the guys won the night.

Recaps. Archuleta was the usual helping of young earnestness. Carly belted and looked mad. Syesha was the closest to just copying Mariah. Brooke got all weepy again. Kristy sounded like she was singing “Unchained Melody” at a karaoke bar, and has no soul. David Cook rocked the pants off of his song. Jason was beautiful and harmless and made scores of 10-year-old girls squeal.

Tough choices again. I’m going to put Kristy in the bottom three, because it’s my personal obsession. I’ll add in Syesha for not changing up her song enough, and Carly because she seems to not be a huge audience favorite. I’ll change from my usual KLC prediction for elimination, though … I’m picking Carly this week, because she really seems to be giving off the stench of not wanting to be there anymore.

I haven’t watched the Idol Gives Back show yet. But I watched the results.

There’s a ton of filler, mostly about Idol Gives Back. The first five kids called out for their results are all safe, leaving Michael, Carly and Syesha in the bottom three. Interesting method.

Seacrest teases, “Which one of these got the least votes?” To which Carly raises her hand. Really, Carly? Given up much?

In a surprising move, Carly and Syesha are both told they’re safe, and that Michael had the least number of votes. Then Seacrest mentions that last year, after the Idol Gives Back stuff, they didn’t eliminate anyone. But psych psych super psych, no such luck this year! Michael gets celebrated home (prematurely, IMHO).

Ah, “inspirational songs”. And Archuleta already did “Imagine”.

It’s “Idol Gives Back” week, isn’t it? Don’t they do some weird non-elimination thingy? Or is there a special elimination episode on Thursday? Ah — Seacrest, like so much Clarissa, explains it all.

The idols come out, and does KLC own anything other than sparkly tank tops?

Michael Johns: He’ll be doing Aerosmith’s “Dream On”. You know, that’s one of the few Aerosmith hits that I don’t think is played at the Rock n’Roller Coaster. He’s wearing another ascot this week, as well as a short-sleeve tux-ruffle shirt and vest. Who’s dressing this guy? He does all right with the song, but every week I hate his singing face more and more. It’s like a combination of O face, crying and extreme pain. Randy thinks it was OK, but with pitch problems, and he doesn’t buy Johns as an Aerosmith-style singer. Paula, with boobs bursting from her hideous strapless top, says it was the perfect song for him. Simon calls it a very good performance, but doesn’t like his “rock star imitation” — he should stick with the bluesy sound.

Syesha Mercado: To the stools for a chat! We get to find out more about Ramiele, who was Syesha’s roommate since Hollywood week. She’ll be doing Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which I may or may not have heard before. Probably not. Her hair is big and sparkly, and she starts out singing soft until she points at the mini choir up on the catwalk, when she starts wailing. Yeah, I’ve heard this song before. She does all right with it, and even hits one of those high-pitched dog-whistle notes near the end. Randy didn’t feel the special connection to the song. Boobs thinks it was “hands-down one of [her] most shining moments”. Simon says it was technically good, but missed a wave of emotion. Ah, it was the finale song that Fantasia sung, no wonder it was vaguely familiar.

Jason Castro: He’s doing Bruddah Iz’s version of “Over the Rainbow” (I can only hope that it’s the hybrid with “What a Wonderful World”, and that it includes ukulele). OH yeah, he’s hitting the uke! One of his feet is twitching like mad. Weird. It’s soft and lovely, just like the version that he’s copying. I’ve always loved Iz’s version, even though it doesn’t necessarily scan correctly. Randy loves the crapola out of it. Boobs thinks it’s perfect. Simon calls it fantastic. Good job, dreamy dreads boy.

Commercials: I totally intended to fast-forward. But then Judy Greer was in a Mac-vs-PC ad, followed by Meat Loaf singing about a cell phone. WTF? Then a juggler juggled the Florida Lotto ping-pong balls. Cool.

Kristy Lee Cook: She’s doing “Anyway” by Martina McBride. Great, some country I’ve never heard before. It has a single verse that speaks to her — that if people don’t like her, they can just suck it. Her sparkly tank top is flesh-toned underneath, just like Priscilla Presley’s dress on DwtS the other night, so it’s mucho distracting. She’s singing all soft and breathy with that phony country twang, but she seems to be on-key for the most part. Except for an improvised-sounding “yeah yeah”, which is totally off. Randy, aside from a couple of pitch moments, loves it. Boobs (dear lord, that top has to HURT, with how hard it’s squishing her down) thinks it’s excellent. Simon calls her “very good indeed”, and thinks she looks like a star tonight. I still can’t stand her, but it appears that others think she’s getting better.

Faboo — So You Think You Can Dance is back in May.

David Cook: He’s doing what? “Isn’t”? “Is It”? By a band called Our Lady Peace? I know I won’t know the song. He starts out singing really low, and it doesn’t seem to fit with the music behind him. It’s not a pretty song. He’s wearing a rubber support bracelet around his hand like a dork. Oh, is the song “Innocent”? Maybe that’s what he’s singing. At the end he shows his palm to the camera, where he’s written “give back”. Randy didn’t quite get it tonight. Boobs calls him the whole package. Simon didn’t like this performance, and calls it a bit pompous. For me, this was his worst performance, after weeks of consistent intrigue. Boobs then calls attention to the “give back” on his hand.

Carly Smithson: She’s doing “The Show Must Go On” by Queen. Her shirt is ugly again this week, a satiny tank top tucked into her jeans, with a ghastly gold belt. She hits a few weird notes in there, and I don’t think this is a good song choice for her style at ALL. I’m tempted to predict that Simon will call it “karaoke”. Randy says it started good, but got pitchy and bad by the end. Boobs didn’t feel a connection; didn’t feel engaged with Carly. Simon says she looks good and thinks it was an unusual choice of song and that she oversang it. He feels like she made the song sound angry, and that she might be in trouble this week. She kind of blames her loss of control in the middle on seeing Simon’s scowling face. Oh, nice. Carly, you suck.

David Archuleta: Chat stools! It’s been a crazy week with all the performances scheduled, but he tries not to disturb “the neighbors” with his practicing. He had tough choosies this week, but settled on “Angels” (the sheet music [which was faxed from Hollywood Sheet Music] says it’s by Robbie Williams and Guy Chambers, and if you want to fax AI something, apparently the number is 575-6151, probably in the 323 area code). He’s sitting at the big ol’ grand piano, but the long panning shot on him is spoiled by the fog machine and fan over his shoulder, whipping smoke around. This isn’t a song I’ve heard, but he seems to be staying in the same key as the music. He does a good job, but for me it’s well-done music I wouldn’t listen to. The stuff that plays on adult alternative stations with formats like “The Mountain”. Randy likes it, especially the runs at the end. Boobs lets the audience scream, then says “that sums it up for me”. Simon opines that it’s one of the best pop songs written, is amazed that it’s never been a hit on this side of the pond, then nitpicks a few small details.

Brooke White: Ah, “You’ve Got a Friend”. A little feelgood song. She’s standing at the microphone stand without an instrument! The heavy piano and choir treatment, as well as the plodding tempo, makes it much less fun than it should be. She makes it sound so serious and dour, and looks like she’s going to cry through most of it. But the notes are all there. Yeah, she was going to cry — she points out her family in the audience. Randy likes it, but for him it was good and not great. Boobs loves it, and loves her. Simon compares it to a lovely and pleasant walk in the park, and thanks her.

Recaps: Michael didn’t suit Aerosmith (or vice versa). Syesha tried to be Fantasia. Jason rocked the uke. KLC was a big country phony again. David C. finally broke his streak and sucked for once. Carly was a poor substitute for Freddy Mercury. David A. got all moody. Brooke depressed me with a supposedly uplifting song.

It’s a tough choice for the B3. My first choice is easiest — Carly. I’d like to pick KLC, but will her country-fried crap pull her through again? Ah, hell with it. Kristy has a permanent place in my B3. Let’s add in David Cook for his sub-par performance. And I’m going with Carly for the big boot — she’s been … what’s the opposite of improving? … for weeks now.

Speeding through, as usual. Michael: Safe. David A.: Safe. Carly: surprisingly safe.

David Cook: Went to hospital, is now safe. Ramiele: Bottom three. Kristy: Brought a note to label her bottom-three seat, was self-prophesizing. B3.

Bo Bice: More of a hippie than before.

Syesha: Safe. Jason v. Brooke: Jason safe, Brooke B3.

Dolly: Buxom.

Brooke: Safe.

KLC v. Ramiele: KLC looks like a giant. Ramiele is out.

Less than six minutes to view the whole thing. Still room for improvement.

It’s Dolly Parton week. I’ll be fast-forwarding a LOT. And I don’t expect to have a lot to say. I’ll be lucky if I know one or two of the songs — “9 to 5″ is about the limit of my Parton knowledge. We start with a package about Dolly, then on with the singing — 9 kids crammed into one hour.

Brooke White: She’s doing “Jolene” while strumming her guitar. She’s surrounded by a fiddler, one backup singer, and a dude sitting on a percussiony thing. It’s good, or at least as good as a DP song can be, I guess. Randy is iffy, but thinks she might have a future in this type of music. Paula praises Brooke’s consistency and emotional connection to her song choices. Simon found it lacking in emotion, and thought they were busking their way through the song.

David Cook: He gets the chat-stool treatment, and is showing a bit more of his ginormous forehead than usual. Top man, Dave. Ryan asks about how he finds his arrangements, and David is very open about the fact that he finds others’ arrangements. He’ll be doing “Little Sparrow” tonight. He’s also playing a standard guitar upside-down and lefty — has he done that before? How have I not noticed that? The performance is … okay, I guess? I just have no enthusiasm for this music at all. Randy likes how David went “into the false there” (because those extra two syllables on “falsetto” is just too much). Paula likes his haircut (ditto that, Paula) and likes the song too. Simon says it’s not as good as last week, but he made a song about sparrows good.

Ramiele Malubay: Dolly finds her “my size” and “so cute”. Dolly doesn’t name the song, and neither does Seacrest, and they don’t show it on the screen, so I don’t know what the hell she’s singing. And usually I’ll Google these things, but I so don’t caaaare this week. She’s wearing a high-waisted miniskirt with suspenders, so it’s like country meets 1983. I guess she’s not too pitchy, since she’s not clashing with the music or the background singers. Randy “wasn’t jumping up and down, but wasn’t mad at [her] either.” What? Paula thinks it was great, and she really connected with the audience. Simon calls it cute, but overall forgettable and compares it to a cruise ship performance. I’d like to see how cruise ships and theme parks compare in his mind.

Jason Castro: Chat-stool time again. He got a boatload of postcards from the same stalker girl. He picked “Travelin’ Through” and Dolly seems to think he’s grand. He sings the same way he usually does, adorable and sweet and not tapping the meaning of any lyrics at all. And the line “where all my pieces fit” sounds like “where all my piece of shit”. Randy thinks it started rough, but then he started to believe. Paula calls it one of his strongest performances, with his voice strong and rich and confident. Simon didn’t like it at all. And predicts that he’ll lose his season pass to Dollywood. Snaps!

Carly Smithson: She’ll be doing “Here You Come Again”, which wasn’t written by Dolly herself. Carly sings while standing behind a seated guy playing the guitar. The key suddenly changes, and it’s an awkward transition. There are some strings playing somewhere. Oh, and another weird key change. And then some high notes. Meh. And her outfit does her body no favors. Randy predicts that it’ll be one of the best of the night. Paula loves her voice. Simon thinks it was good, but not great. He also points out that she’s dressed terribly. TRUFAX!

David Archuletta: Dolly got all choked up when he started to sing “Smoky Mountain Memories”. Will we? Let’s see! The song on the whole sounds like a big ol’ ripoff of the Eagles’ “Desperado” in tone and melody. David A. is back on his game as far as pounding out the massive singing, but the song leaves me cold. Randy tells him he’s back tonight, and that’s the best performance of the night. Paula is full of the love, and compliments his aura. Simon applauds his song choice.

Kristy Lee Cook: She’s singing something along the lines of “The Coat of Many Colors”. And from the package, it sounds like she’s bringing the twang back full force. Weird — just like when she did “Eight Days a Week”, the music seems much faster than she. It’s like she’s drugged, and singing half-time. She’s also wearing a hippie dress and is barefoot, like so much Katharine McPhee. Randy thinks it’s good, and this music is her wheelhouse. Paula tells her she’s stunning, and it was her best performance. Simon disagrees — last week was her best, and this was “pleasant and forgettable”.

Syesha Mercado: Dolly approves of her choice of “I Will Always Love You”. She sings it sitting up on a piano, while the pianist does his solo thing. She does it soft and gentle, not all belty like Whitney Houston. Oh, but then she picks it up, and gets totally belty with the key change. And she holds a note for a nice long time, like so much Clay Aiken. She’s barefoot too. Randy thinks she did pretty good, but it’s hard to hear someone else do the song. Paula compliments her dress, then commends the velvety tone of her voice. Simon compliments the first part, but the second part got so close to the Whitney version, and she just can’t compare.

Michael Johns: The piano stays out on stage from being Syesha’s chair, and piano dude is joined by electric guitar guy. Michael sings another no-name song, and no, I’m not looking it up. He blueses it up, which is cool, but it’s offset by the weird purple-pink ascot he’s wearing. He also makes more of his crybaby face than usual. Oh, Michael. Oh, Michael’s face. Randy thought it “blazing hot”. Paula calls him a rock star, and a blues star. And he looks gorgeous. Simon thinks this is the best he’s ever heard Michael sing.

Recaps: Brooke was Brooke. David Cook was less hard than usual. Ramiele touched the unwashed audience and looked awful. Jason was Jason. Carly looked awful, and was the reason Amanda once said, “ballads are boring.” David A. sang Desperado with passion. KLC sucked as usual. Syesha took on too large a song. Michael made his nasty weepy face.

Tough choosies this week, guys! I don’t like the music, and nobody really stood out as reeking with the stench of a thousand corpses. So I’ll have to go for Kristy (because she’s on my list), then I guess … Syesha because she’s in the bottom three a lot, and Carly, because she’s boring. And much as I’d like KLC to go, I’m going to pick Syesha for the boot.

As some of you may recall from a couple of months ago, our cable company, Bright House, got some new HD channels but wouldn’t let us TiVo users access them. There’s no technical reason we can’t get the channels — they just shut off access to those of us who use CableCARDs, in anticipation of going to Switched Digital Video in a few months.

We were given a free Bright House HD DVR, but it’s a piece of shite — it doesn’t get the programming guide like it’s supposed to, so we can’t really record anything on it. And there’s a USB gadget in the works that will allow us to access the SDV channels, but it won’t be out until later in the 2nd quarter.

Well, Bright House is putting on the big girl panties and admitting that they screwed us poor CableCARD users over. They’ve released all of the currently available HD channels to us! And while they will have to go back to limiting them once they switch to SDV, they’ve said they’ll actually give us 30 days’ notice before shutting them off (instead of just flipping the switch, like they did before). And hopefully by that time we’ll have our dongle.

I’m TV happy today!