It’s almost 6:30pm on results night. I say curse you, Idol! Why did you have to change your days? This is totally screwing up my usual TV schedule. This will be a very fast viewing, and I’m planning on fast-forwarding past the judges’ comments.

It’s Motown week, so I’m fast-forwarding past what looks like the kids working with Smokey Robinson.

1. Matt Giraud: “Let’s Get It On”. He’s singing and all the music he has is his own piano. It sounds wrong and bad. Finally the band kicks in, and it’s not AS sucky. But I don’t want to get it on with a kid in a cardigan and skinny tie. A lot of his notes are sour, and his runs aren’t impressive. If this is indicative of the night, I’m in for some real crap. In fast-forward, the judges seem … pleased?

2. Kris Allen: “How Sweet It Is”. Will the three backup singers be hanging out upstage for everyone? Kris is accompanying himself on the acoustic guitar, and wearing a weird 40s-military shirt. But he seems to be having a good time, and I think he’s more on-key than Matt was. And his final note(s): very good. I’m still not into the kid, but I can see what other people see in him. Kara starts with “you know what I love about that performance”, and it’s off to FF I go.

3. Scott MacIntyre: “You Can’t Hurry Love”. He’s doing a soft and gentle rendition at the start, then he rocks into the piano. And the piano playing is good as always. But as the weeks go by, his voice is sounding weaker and weaker. It’s not bad per se, it’s just weirdly nasal and phlegmy. He has the backup girls standing right up there at his piano, which is probably intimidating. It’s OK, but not great. FFing by, it looks like Simon has criticism. Deserved.

4. Megan Joy: “For Once in My Life”. OH MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE. Is she still suffering the flu? She’s still an off-key bleating goat. What the hell does anyone see in her? Or hear in her? And she still looks terrified and uncomfortable, and she’s still doing the Awkward Twist. She’s in the top 10, and little Alexis went home. What a frakking shame. Terrible, awful, needs to go home.

5. Anoop Desai: “Ooh Baby Baby”. He’s got to be uncomfortable; the wardrobe department has him wearing like four layers. Including a weird letter-jacket-looking thing made of vinyl or tarp or something. He’s singing all high and sweet and such, and he’s doing all right. My socks are still on — he has not knocked them off. But it’s a decent job, and compared to some others, I think he’s safe.

6. Michael Sarver: “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”. This is very karaoke. There’s no actual soul involved; just an awkward white guy singing the wrong song. And he’s still doing that weird twisted-mouth singing, with the weird-ass facial expressions. And one of his big notes at the end falls completely flat. Very, very not great. He coughs and sneezes at the end; does he have Megan’s flu?

7. Lil Rounds: “Heat Wave”. She’s wearing a terrible wig. And a terrible dress. And just like last week, she kind of looks like she’d rather be anywhere but here. I wonder what’s up with that. Anyhoo, she’s singing all right. It’s not setting my world on fire, but it’s one of the better performances for tonight. She interacts with the backup singers, but it’s with dull, lifeless eyes. Poor Lil, with no apparent joy or spirit. In FF mode, it looks like there’s some backtalk to the judges.

8. Adam Lambert: “Tracks of My Tears”. He’s all wearing a 50s suit, with his hair slicked back like a greaser, and he’s totally rocking a Chris Isaak look. He’s singing unplugged, with just an acoustic guitar, stand-up bass, and washboard. He’s falsetto through most of it, and it’s definitely the best thing on stage so far tonight. He’s soft and sweet and gentle, and hits most of the right notes. Totally safe!

9. Danny Gokey: “Get Ready”. He sounds great as usual, but it’s just not all that exciting. Paula is up dancing, as can be expected. I think it’s because the song isn’t that musically varied, so he’s just singing many of the same notes over and over again. But he has some fun with the backup singers, and looks like he’s having a good time onstage. A decent performance.

10. Allison Iraheta: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”. Oh, Motown suits this girl. She’s all funky and growly. Her outfit is atrocious, but that’s to be expected in the finals. Those stylists should really get a talking-to. She does a very good job, and her final big notes are really nice. Paula and Kara stand up at the end. What a great way to end the night.

Recaps: Matt doesn’t suit his song. Kris is all right. Scott is getting overshadowed. Megan is a trainwreck and a nightmare rolled into one. Anoop is soft, but not moving. Michael is Mr, Karaoke. Lil is good, but her eyes are so dead. Adam is soft, and moving. Danny rocks as usual. Allison was the best suited to the week’s theme.

So who goes home? My picks for the bottom three: Megan, Michael, and Matt. I know some people are picking Scott, but I think he has another week or two still in him. As usual, I’m going to pick Megan to go home. I can’t bring myself to go with anyone else until she’s GONE.

After skin biopsies and blood draws galore, both Dermatologist and Rheumatologist had the same answer for me today: “We don’t really know what’s wrong with you.” The answer I totally expected to hear.

Derm says it’s either a “drug eruption” — an allergy to some medication I’m taking (although I haven’t taken any particular med regularly throughout this rash) or some hypersensitivity to something else going on in my body, most likely the Crohn’s. She can’t help me anymore on this one; I go back in three months for another mole check, but as far as the rash, she’s stumped.

Rheum says much the same — all of those blood tests ruled out the big players, like Lupus, RA, Still’s, and all of the nasty stuff. My liver and kidney functions are perfect. So whatever it is, it’s concentrating on my skin and joints. He also mentioned hypersensitivity, and that in 50% of these cases, they can narrow it down to a specific drug or medication. In the other 50% of cases, they never figure out what it is, and it goes away on its own. Since I refuse to take Prednisone, which is apparently his go-to move, he has no other options for treating me.

The rash is a little better these last couple of days, as is the joint swelling, so I’m hoping that the Crohn’s stuff I’m taking (an immunosuppressive) is starting to work — I’ve been on it for two weeks, and it apparently takes 2-3 weeks to build up to high enough levels in the body to start working. So fingers crossed that it keeps getting lighter.

Ah, top 11. What exciting theme will you be singing this week?

We start off with Seacrest menacingly stalking behind the contestants. Then the opening, then the judges emerge once again from upstage center, followed by Seacrest coming down the huge stairs.

He wishes us all a happy St. Patrick’s Day, and the stage goes all green and covered with shamrocks. We move on to Seacrest questioning the judges, and Randy lets us know that it’s COUNTRY WEEK DEAR GODS NOOOOO! Well then, I won’t know any of these songs, and I’ll be in hell for the next two hours. Good times.

We get a package about the Grand Ole Opry, and how Randy Travis worked with the kids. These days, Randy looks like a cross between Max Headroom and beef jerky.

1. Michael Sarver: He’s going to do a song that’s “loaded with lyrics”. From his rehearsal with Randy, it sounds like a country take on “The End of the World As We Know It”. He’s joined on stage by a harmonica player sitting on the steps. Michael shows us that the contestants can still walk around behind the judges. And we get a LOT of shots of the harmonica dude. It’s a peppy song, and I suppose he does all right with it. It’s not musically risky, but there certainly are a lot of words. I’ve just noticed that Michael has a funny way of singing, not opening his mouth far enough and flashing his upper teeth. It looks weird. Randy agrees with me, that the song didn’t challenge his vocal capabilities. Kara liked seeing his personality. Paula liked seeing him have fun. Simon starts with, “well, it SHOULD have been good.” He couldn’t understand a single word. Michael could have been singing in Norwegian. Ha! Michael comes back with, “If we were all perfect, we wouldn’t need this show.” It’s a dis that I … don’t really get. This show is for people who are already good. It’s not here to MAKE you good.

2. Allison Iraheta: She’s going to do a Patty Loveless song. I’ve never even heard of Patty Loveless. She has a dorky dance move that she may or may not do, but Randy didn’t like it. She seems to be having fun with the song. A bit of the song in the middle is too low for her, and she takes a couple of breaths in awkward places, but overall it’s an entertaining performance. Kara thinks she could sing the alphabet well. Paula loves on her power and rock edge. We keep going to shots of a woman who I assume is Allison’s mom, weeping with joy in the audience. Simon thought it was good, a little tuneless in parts, and thought she was struggling with the words. Randy declares the performance “dope”.

3. Kris Allen: Looks like he’s going to go all soft and high and weepy with his guitar, again. During his rehearsal with Randy, he’s making squinchy little faces as he sings. Will he do that in performance? Let’s see. Oh, he’ll be doing it without his guitar! And sitting on a stool! Yes, he’s getting all squashed up in the face as he sings, and he’s holding the microphone weirdly, somehow with just the tips of his fingers. We see his family in the audience when he’s done singing, and his dad wipes away a tear. Paula is pleasantly surprised, and liked the honest, pure and vulnerable performance. Simon thought it was terrific, and says all kinds of other nice things. Randy loved the chance he took. Kara felt the song transcended country, and was just beautiful.

4. Lil Rounds: We’re back from commercial to the stools. Lil’s dress is ghastly, with a huge ruffle over the bosom. She gets interviewed about life back at the Idol mansion, and how she felt about country week. She’s going to sing “Independence Day”, which is a song I’ve heard! Someone did it at The American Idol Experience the day I did it! The song, the style, the content … are all wrong for Lil. It feels awkward and uncomfortable throughout. And her 1980s cocktail dress doesn’t help things at all. I’m not really into Lil, since there’s nothing terribly new and exciting about her — we’ve seen her ilk on Idol many times before. Randy agrees that it didn’t feel comfortable on her. She explains things back to Randy too extensively. Kara wanted her to choose another song, but gave her kudos for making a choice that Lil felt was right. Paula loves her hair, makeup and clothing. Simon keeps calling her “little”, then compared her to someone forced to sing a requested song at a wedding. She felt and looked uncomfortable. Lil again talks back too much. I don’t like the extensive talkback.

5. Adam Lambert: We come back from the break to the stools, AGAIN! Let me pause for a moment to comment — apparently this week, the rumors are spreading around that Adam is gay. Or at least that there are pictures of him kissing boys. And I have to say: REALLY? I had no idea! There’s concern that America won’t stay with him if it turns out that he’s gay. And I have to say, if anyone thought that guy was actually straight, they were deluding themselves. OK, back to the stools. He’s going to make sure his country song is very, very Adam. He’s going to sing “Ring of Fire”. He left Randy Travis speechless. He’s doing the song in some crazy sitar arrangement. It’s a frightening trainwreck, and I can’t look away. Props to him for making the song something so different from country, but it’s just hideous. And the crowd seems to love it. Kara found it strange, and doesn’t know what to make of it, but she kind of liked it. Paula loves how artistically true to himself he is. Simon shrugs and smiles, and asks, “What the hell was that?!” He pulls out the “indulgent rubbish” insult. Randy loved that it was current, young, fresh and hot.

6. Scott MacIntyre: He’s doing a Martina McBride song, and Randy Travis is all uncomfortable and uncertain. Of course, he’s on the old baby grand. The song is, as per Idol usual, keyed a bit too low. Some of the low notes get lost. And some of his high notes aren’t that great. But he does get across the idea that wild angels are watching over you and me. And the crowd loves the pee out of him. Paula worries that the piano is a bit of a crutch, separating him from the audience, and he’s losing the connection. He tells her they can move the piano closer. Now THAT’S the kind of talkback I like. Simon bickers with Paula about the whole piano/no-piano thing. Simon doesn’t like the song choices yet, and says that last week’s and this week’s were very similar in tempo and tone. Randy hasn’t seen the hot, crazy, unbelievable vocals. Kara sums it up, asking him to up his game and wow everyone.

7. Alexis Grace: Once again, we’re back from commercials to the stools. She gets asked how everyone’s doing backstage. She’s going to sing “Jolene”, which sounds familiar. Ah, it’s a Dolly Parton song. Randy Travis gives her props for understanding how to tell the story of the song. The first line is really wonky, and at least half the notes sound off. Then she gets into it, and it turns out all right. But honestly, I think it’s an awful song. There’s only so much you can do with it. Randy tells her that there were a lot of pitch problems, and didn’t really care for the bluesy twist. Kara thought she lost her edge a bit, and found it flat. Paula liked it better than the others did, and applauds the artistic approach. Simon thought it was okay, and a little bit sound-alike and forgettable.

8. Danny Gokey: He messed up all over the place in his Randy Travis session, doing Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel”. He’s looking dapper in a white jacket, and as usual, he hits all the notes beautifully. But oh my god, what a song! She’s driving too fast on an icy night with her baby in the backseat, spins out, and lets go of the wheel? Begging Jesus to take over? This is the perfect example of why I don’t like country music. Good gravy. Kara didn’t like the front half, but the second part of the song really worked for her. Paula kind of disagrees, because she loves how an artist builds a story. Simon agrees with Paula, that you can’t start the song full-on, and you need light and shade. Then Simon hates on the white jacket. Randy agrees with Kara, that Danny’s verses aren’t great. He needs to build those up, so they match the quality of his choruses.

9. Anoop Desai: He was nervous about country, and he’s going for another distinctive song, Willie Nelson’s “You Were Always on My Mind”. Oh dear. He’s using a microphone stand, but as he stands there, I can tell he’s been studying the greats on making eye contact with the camera. He actually does a good job changing the song up just enough so that it’s not a copy of Willie Nelson. It’s a decent ballad performance. Paula declares Anoop to be “back”, and gives him many little praises. Simon tells him he went from zero to hero, and commends his song choice. Randy enjoyed the arrangement and the vocal skills. Kara gives him kudos for doing such a good job with another so-called “untouchable” song.

10. Megan Joy Corkrey: She’s going to do “Walking after Midnight”, and even though Randy Travis has heard it every possible way, he finds her rendition unique. She’s changing the melody around, apparently. She stands behind a microphone stand, wearing a dress with no brassiere, so it looks like she’s smuggling two grapefruits around. Her “unique” rendition seems to be some sort of cross between 40s jazz and yodeling. Once again, she does her awkward twist dance, and it still looks awful. She has a quivery, goat-bleating sound to her voice. I can’t tell if she’s singing that way on purpose, or if she’s wracked with nerves. Ah, she’s been ill with the cough. Randy was expecting a trainwreck, but thought it was actually pretty good. Kara thinks the song and the look are perfect, and applauds her for getting up and performing with the flu. Paula lets us know that she was in the hospital, and missed the run-through. Simon tells her she should have the flu every week, and that she looks gorgeous.

11. Matt Giraud: He’s doing another Carrie Underwood song, and Randy Travis wasn’t sure it was a good song choice. But Matt behind the piano seemed to impress him. We come back from the package, and Seacrest is standing next to the judges’ table. As he introduces Matt, we see Paula sniffing and stroking Simon’s forearm. I have three letters for that: WTF? Matt’s at the old baby grand, and I immediately wonder if he’ll get the same comments about connection to the audience that Scott got. In his suit, he looks much more Michael Bublé than Justin Timberlake. He’s playing well, but a few of the notes sound really wonky. Then he hits the chorus, and as with most guys, he gets better there. Kara gives him many praises, and ends with “amazing”. Paula loves his authenticity and honesty. Simon gives him kudos for his vocals, and says that tonight he outsang Adam. Then he makes my same comparison to Michael Bublé. Ha! Randy brings up both Bublé and Timberlake, and how Matt can span the miles between those two.

Recaps: Michael seems awkward and nervous. Allison went all country rock. Kris made squishy faces while he was a boring balladeer. Lil wasn’t boring, but she seemed bored. Adam’s burning ring of fire was just plain weird. Scott blinded blindly through inspirational music. Alexis begged Jolene to leave her man alone. Danny was great as usual. Anoop surprised with softness. Megan Joy bleated her way through the flu. Matt played the piano and got all falsetto at the end.

Whoo, tough choices this week. I’m hoping this week we’ll go back to the bottom-three system. My bottom-dwellers are going to be Megan, Michael, and Kris, with flu-ridden Megan going home.

OMG! It’s time for the finals, guys! Top 13 ahoy!

West coast be warned: the full show runs until 10:04pm. My TiVo stopped at 10:00.

The show starts with the most awkward zoom shot of Seacrest, followed by the cameraman adjusting the focus. What a fantastic beginning! The judges then emerge from the center stage doors, with some announcer dude calling their names. Then Seacrest gets to come down this magnificent staircase. Apparently, “Simon wanted to create a very interesting entrance.”

The judges are asked for some words. Randy says the kids have to “bring it hard”. Kara’s going to be harder on them. Paula, who is wearing an exploded bird on her shoulder, wants the contestants to not be afraid to use the stage. Simon wants everyone to remember their words and not get swallowed up by the stage.

Then it’s time to introduce the top 13. Scott has a seeing-eye hunk as usual. Some of the outfits are hideously ugly. They line up, and Simon springs yet another big announcement — TWO people will be going home tomorrow.

Tonight the kids will be singing the music of Michael Jackson. Great, yes, let’s get into the themes as early as possible! We see a package about MJ, and get to see him wearing several … well, they’re not exactly codpieces. I guess it’s more like a golden Speedo over the top of his pants. Either way, total fashion don’t.

1. Lil Rounds: We get recaps about her being a mother of three, as well as how the tornado destroyed their house and they’re living in a hotel. That’s some rough stuff. Tonight she’ll be tackling “The Way You Make Me Feel”. And she’s doing it while wearing a TERRIBLE outfit. White high-waisted, pleated, tapered-ankle pants. A pale pink top, strapless save for a huge fluffy ruffle over one shoulder. Good lord, is she trying to channel 1987? She’s singing all right, but I think it’s too high for her. I want to hear her all low and growly, and this is more mid-range and shouty. And it ends in a typically bad Idol-arrangement way. Randy once again claims that this is the way we kick off season eight (he’s said that several times before) and gives her kudos. Kara hopes to get to hear her on the radio. Paula compliments the soft palette of her outfit and gives props to the “glam squad”. Simon thought the song choice was a little bit lazy, and he hates her outfit.

2. Scott MacIntyre: He’s been nearly blind since birth. His sister is also visually impaired! And they play music as a family. Tonight he’s singing “Keep the Faith” from the album Dangerous. I don’t think I know this one. He’s sitting at the big nice piano, and you can see how much more comfortable he is there. He does a good job with the song, and he’s totally safe as houses. The crowd goes bananas, and Kara has to shout them down to be quiet. She’s glad we all got a chance to see him at the piano, and loves the hopeful message in the song that he chose. Paula says it’s “magical to see your instrument at your fingertips” (heh). Simon hated the song, because nobody knows it. Randy found the performance a little too safe.

3. Danny Gokey: He appears to have a humungous family, and they’re big on singing. And making up songs about mundane crap. I kind of dig it. He’s reaching back to 1983 with “PYT”. He starts out weird and slow and such, but then he rocks into it. His voice is totally on, and he dances like a total geekdork. Oh my, he uses a new section of stage — the contestants can totally walk straight out to the judges’ table! There appears to no longer be that stretch of stage behind the judges, but a huge lowered floor right up in the judges’ grill. Paula dances her face off. She’s also first up for commentary — she tells him he’s on the way to the finals, while sounding like she’s choking on tears. Simon calls the vocals brilliant, but calls the dancing hideous. Randy loves on the uptempo performance, and digs the passionate, un-choreographed feel to the dancing. Kara loves how much joy he has.

4. Michael Sarver: His personal tragedy is not having a father for much of his upbringing. Does everyone in this show have a personal tragedy? Anyhoo, his roughneck compatriots seem happy to see him, and are totes supporting him. Tonight he’ll be singing “You Are Not Alone”. He starts out sitting on the stairs, while looking longingly into the camera. He totally needs to go to the Constantine school of camera-eye contact. It really reads as false. He sings pretty well, but you can tell how terrified he is. His microphone hand is shaking, and his voice has a couple of quivers. Much of the song is shouty, and his movements are way more spastic than Danny’s “dancing”. Simon says he makes up for not being the best singer with his passion, heart, and he gives it 110% (ooh, peeve). Randy tells him, “So far, you’re definitely one of the best”. After four performances, Randy? Such high praise! Kara feels that tonight, he showed her he really can sing. Paula still sounds on the brink of tears, and babbles about how lovely he was tonight.

5. Jasmine Murray: She’s on the stools, and gets asked about the “glam squad” experience. They get hair and costume advice, and they get to keep the clothes. She’s the baby of her family, and they’re a close-knit bunch. She’s a minor, so her mom will be here with her for the long haul. Her song is “I’ll Be There”. It’s a pleasant and boring ballad. She’s wearing a short little pink dress that would look great over a pair of jeans (but seems a mite too short as she’s wearing it, bare-legged), and earrings the size of saucers. Near the end she hits a couple of notes that are slightly off, but it’s adequate. Randy calls her performance “a pretty good job”, which is apt. Kara would have liked it pitched a half-key down (very good note). Paula thought there were bright moments and a couple of flat moments. Simon calls it a little robotic at times, and recommends she act her age, instead of like a little girl trying to be a grown-up. Snaps!

6. Kris Allen: He’s from a small town … but not too small. His father played music in the church. He’s married for 5 months, and his new wife is a cute little blonde named Katy. How Arkansas! He’ll be playing the electric-acoustic guitar and singing “Remember the Time”. Man, the verse on this song is musically boring. And the chorus is verbally boring. He lets the backup singers handle the bulk of the chorus. I think some people will really like this performance. Me, it’s not my bag. Kara is happy to see him with the guitar, and thinks the girlies love him. She also points out that Kris helped out a lot of the other contestants this week. Paula and Simon get into a dumbass thing with her godawful outfit. Then she tells Kris that he’s sexy. Simon calls it a bit clumsy, since the song isn’t really suited to the guitar. He also comments that the wife card shouldn’t have been played yet. Randy calls the performance “Jason Mraz-y”.

7. Allison Iraheta: Her parents are from El Salvador. And since she was a kid, she’s been singing at … a furniture store? Tonight she’s singing “Give In to Me”. The drums, the guitars … it’s like butt rock from the mid 80s. Her outfit isn’t as bad as some, but it’s still weird, what with the sparkly short-shorts over jeans and too many chains hanging from her belt. It’s a decent performance, but it feels totally dated. There’s nothing modern about it. Paula loves it, tells her to stay true to who she is. Simon wants her to lighten up a bit, but is glad she knows who she is as a performer. Randy thinks she could sing anything, and labels her as one to watch. Kara loves the rocker thing, and wants her to keep it up.

8. Anoop Desai: He’s interviewed on the stools, but I miss it all because I’m dicking around with the caps lock on this tiny computer. Onward to his package! (Heh.) He’s an only child. His parents tried to teach him a lot about Indian culture, and are tickled that he’s living the American dream. He’s going to take on “Beat It”. He marches out with the microphone in a stand, and … I don’t know about choosing this song. I like the kid, I think he has a good voice, but this song may be too iconic. I fret that the K word will come out. The background behind him is a weird Matrix-like thing. Simon makes Paula go first for commentary. Paula readies the audience for a boo, then says the song is untouchable, and anything else sounds karaoke. BINGO! Simon takes it further, and calls it horrible — no aggression, all lightweight. Randy calls it the wrong choice, and says karaoke again. Kara agrees with the others, and wanted more variety instead of a straightforward, mechanical performance.

9. Jorge Núñez: Holy crap! I see now that his last name contains TWO special characters, not just one. His big family loves to get together and dance. But they did break apart after his grandfather passed away. But when he made this show, it brought them back together. Tonight he’s doing “Never Can Say Goodbye”. Right off the bat, it’s clear that he’s done his homework as far as looking longingly into the camera. He’s no Constantine yet, but he may be an Ace Young. He turns in a fairly good performance, with most of the notes where they should be. There are a couple of high notes that aren’t quite there, and the ending is the usual crappy Idol ending. Randy wouldn’t have chosen this song for him, because it feels a little old-fashioned. Kara didn’t feel his usual emotional connection. Paula also didn’t feel it, and wondered why he picked the song. Jorge felt it fit his voice better than most. Simon calls it corny, and tells him he’s out of his depth. He also pegs the arrangement as awful.

10. Megan Joy Corkrey: She’s on the stools, and it turns out she was pushed into auditioning by her friends, and she’s never really performed on stage before. And her outfit is terrible. In her package, we find out that she’s tried out for musicals and choirs before, but never got anything. She also didn’t do well at marriage; she’s divorced now. She misses her kid, like every other contestant. She’s going to sing “Rockin’ Robin”, which was done by the Jackson 5. Really? This counts as part of the Michael Jackson catalog? What a horrifying choice. I need to take my mind off the singing, so I’ll comment on her outfit. A too-short red dress, with a ginormous flower thing on the side of her torso, with straps made of braided mummy’s rags. Fugly. Oh, she’s still singing. Okay, on to her dancing. It’s like the twist, done by someone with no coordination whatsoever. She seems SO uncomfortable. And ends the song with “CAW, CAW!” I mean … does she even CARE? Does she give a crap at all about doing well? Sure doesn’t seem so. Kara liked that she injected her personality and made the song “so Megan”. Paula loves her quirky and unique tone, and tells her she picked the right song. Simon pegs it as a stupid song choice, and nails her dancing as ridiculous. Randy thought it was a poor song choice. Then Simon turns to Gordon Freakin’ Ramsay in the audience and asks what HE thought. Gordon says something which we can’t hear, since he’s not near a microphone. I’m guessing it was pro-Megan, because Simon then says he’s doesn’t know what he’s talking about. HEE!

11. Adam Lambert: He moved to Hollywood right after school, but it’s hard to make a living as an artist in Hollywood. His parents seem really supportive and down-to-earth, and there’s really no whiff of a personal tragedy. He’s singing “Black and White” for us. He sings it well, but it’s very Broadway, and I wonder if he’ll ever be able to shed that distinctive sound. At one point it sounds like he sings, “I ain’t scared of no brother, I ain’t scared of no cheese”. I had to go look it up — it’s “sheets”. He finishes with some flat shouted notes, and the audience goes ape-crazy. Paula tells him that in all of American Idol ever, she’s never seen anyone so comfortable up on that stage. And again, she sounds on the brink of tears. What’s UP with her? Simon says it was in a totally different league from anything else tonight. Randy continues the love-fest: he could be on the charts right now. Kara closes it out by complimenting notes that Adam hit that she didn’t even know existed.

12. Matt Giraud: He grew up with a strong family, who spent a lot of time together. And he played a lot of shirtless ping pong with his dad. No real personal tragedy here, either. He’s singing “Human Nature” tonight, as he sits at the big ol’ piano. The song is perhaps a half-key too low; the lowest note of each line in the verse is lost. Later on he gets into his falsetto, which is pretty good. His song seems significantly shorter than most of the other contestants’. Randy loves his Justin Timberlake thing. Kara tells him he’s talented, and hopes to see him for many weeks. Paula calls him talented and sexy. Simon calls it good, though hard to follow Adam. He refers to it as a “meat and potatoes” performance.

13. Alexis Grace: She grew up in Memphis, surrounded by Blues. Her dad is a longhair hippie. She’s going to be a great mommy AND accomplish her dreams. And tonight, she’s singing “Dirty Diana”. Oh, and her outfit? UGH. I would describe it as a strapless short-shorts onesie. With a Mr. T-grade wad of bling. The song is all right, although it’s too shouty for her. I want more low and bluesy from this girl, too. Clearly the judges have to hustle through their comments, as we’re now quite short on time. Kara’s glad that she’s back; she’s a naughty girl, and Kara likes it. Paula wants her to watch her oversinging. Simon calls it over the top, and Randy likes the attitude. She’s also stuck with a wonky phone number: IDOLS-36.

TiVo ended recording right as Seacrest was giving the number for Alexis. Fortunately, I was able to hop back to the start of the 10:00 news on Fox, since the tuner hadn’t changed. Tomorrow we’re going to find out about a surprise change in the rules, which involves the judges. Simon isn’t sure the public will love it, and Seacrest says it’ll change the entire theme and concept of the show. I wonder if it’s going to be a So You Think You Can Dance style judgement — America picks the bottom group, but the judges make the final call? We’ll find out tomorrow.

Recaps: Lil tried too hard. Scott picked an unknown song. Danny danced like a delightful dork. Michael felt stilted and awkward. Jasmine was boring. Kris improved with his guitar. Allison rocked like it was 1984. Anoop dared to sing what he shouldn’t have. Jorge never can say goodbye. Megan horrified my very soul. Adam was showy all over the place. Matt channeled his inner Timberlake. Alexis has great legs.

Now, my picks. It sounds like they’re going to do something weird and different, but we won’t know what until tomorrow. And they also said that two people would be going home tomorrow. I’m going to go with Megan, Jasmine, and Michael for my bottom three, with the ladies going home.

Well gang, it’s wildcard time. So now I know how the wildcard round is going to work. And there’s nothing for us to do — it’s all up to the judges. BE WARNED, WEST COAST — the results go 5 minutes into Hell’s Kitchen. TiVo did NOT get it all.

The eight will sing, and then the judges will be selecting the last three members of the top 12.

1. Jesse – “Tell Me Something Good” is a monotonous and plodding song, but she delivers it pretty well. And what a boon, these wildcards get a live band with backup singers! Lucky little devils. She’s made the judges mostly happy, although Simon found it a little indulgent.

2. Matt G. – Mr. Dueling Piano is going to “wow” us with “Who’s Loving You”. He’s all dapper with a hat and fringed scarf, and you can just see him bluesing his face off. Clearly someone told him to bring it tonight, and it is the thing that is being brought. The judges are mostly favorable, and happy with his song choice and the blues feel.

3. Megan – These pre-song interviews are already painful. She’s doing “one of the jammsiest songs around” … which is apparently “Black Horse and Cherry Tree”. This is a HARD song to do well. And she’s not doing it well. You can hear the nerves in her voice, and her moves behind the microphone stand are limpid at best. OHOH OH it’s bad. Her final note stinks. But despite the vocal being poor, the judges are loving her song choice. WTF?

4. Von – He’s going to be himself. Singing “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”. He’s all sensitive and tender and falsetto. His “so sad” part sounds wonky, but then he shouts the hell out of some of it and it’s okay. Simon calls it boring and serious and earnest and ordinary. Quite a mix. Randy and Kara weren’t crazy about the song choice. I fast-forwarded past Paula.

5. Jasmine – Ugh, these interviews. Of COURSE you hope everyone likes what you do. She’s going to pull some Disney out, with “Reflection” from Mulan. She’s mostly on key, but it all sounds really shouty to me. At least until the very end when she gets all soft and sweet. Judges blah blah blah. Simon and Paula get a little bickery, which is always delicious. And what is Paula wearing? Eww. She’s giving Simon indian burns while he’s giving critique. Classy.

6. Ricky – He’s going uptempo with “Superstition”. And he’s wearing skinny jeans, which look terribly wrong on him. You know it’s not that great when you’ve heard a better rendition at The American Idol Experience. I had this guy figured as country music. Wasn’t he? I’m too tired to look back and see. The judges like it, and say he has good chops. Although Simon throws out the K word, and also calls his performance “clumsy”.

7. Tatiana – her pre-sing interview is, of course, the only one worth watching. Her Puerto Rican accent is out in full force, and she babbles some amazing crazy. She’s singing “Saving All My Love for You”, which … isn’t that what she did in week 1? I seem to recall someone doing everyone’s favorite adultery song, and I thought it was Tats. She does a pretty good job with such a huge song. She blames her accent on when she gets excited, and thinks in Spanish. Yes indeed, it was the same song as before, and the judges all give her guff for it.

8. Anoop – he’s the headliner for the night, and was one of my choices for week one. He’s throwing down “My Prerogative”. He’s singing too low, as so many of them do. And the chorus is mostly covered by the backup singers, while he goes around gladhanding. He does hit a great money note, and closes the night out well. He did this song in Hollywood, but the judges seem to be okay with the repeat from him.

And now, the judges’ picks. Jasmine gets called up, then Randy gets to deliver a classic fakeout. She’s in the top 12. Next up is Ricky, and Kara shoots him down. Megan and Tatiana come down from the couches together, and Paula hems and haws about keeping your dreams alive before she tells us that Megan will be in the top 12. We go to commercial, and the TiVo shuts off.

Fortunately, I recorded Hell’s Kitchen, so I got the last few minutes. Jesse is a no. Von is a no. It’s down to Matt G. and Anoop. Simon immediately tells Matt he’s in. Intriguing. Then the bombshell — they’ve decided to make it a top 13, and Anoop is in too. Everyone goes apeshit, Seacrest out.

Dudes! The new season of America’s Next Top Model is on at the same time as this results show. I’m like a happy little piggy, rolling around in reality TV slop.

Recaps, group sings, and other things are utterly fast-forwardable. At 17 minutes in, Seacrest has Lil Rounds stand up, and immediately sends her to the top 12. I do applaud them for changing it up every week. Lil sings, then we get straight into results again. Arianna, Taylor, Alex, Kendall and Scott all stand up; one of them is in the top 12. After the break, they get their recaps and are shot down one by one, until it’s down to Kendall and Scott. Unsurprisingly, Scott is the one sent through to the top 12.

Commercials, then it’s Nathaniel and Kristin. Neither of them, of course, made it. Then we skip over Ju’not and Jorge, and go to Felicia and Von (I want to type that “Vaughan”). They get their recaps, and like the two before, their butts go right back to the couch. Then Seacrest calls Ju’not and Jorge center stage, and with 20 minutes left in the show, announces Jorge as the third person moving to the top 12.

Now, says Seacrest, let’s get to the wild card show. There’s a group upstairs from the previous two weeks, and some of tonight’s rejects may be included. Let’s find out after the break!

Post-break, we’re re-introduced to the 9 finalists so far. From the crowd upstairs, the judges will select eight people to come back TOMORROW NIGHT to sing again. The picks are: Von Smith, Jasmine Murray, Ricky Braddy, Megan Joy Corkrey, Tatiana Del Toro, Matt Giraud, Jesse Langseth, and Anoop Desai.

Jorge sings us out. Man, now I have to do a recap of tomorrow night! I checked the TiVo to make sure it’s all set. Looks like a mere 1-hour performance show, which is a welcome length.

Week 3! Final group of 12! There’s very little preamble to comment on, so … off we go!

1. Von Smith: He’s the “indulgent nonsense” kid. He’ll be singing Marvin Gaye, which is always a dicey proposition for these kids. He starts out with some wonky low notes, but eventually makes it into the higher notes, where he’s clearly more comfortable. He’s all right, I guess, but not my cup of tea. But I give him props for staying mostly in tune. The weirdest thing is that his song feels longer than it should be, and has like two fake endings before it actually ends. Randy gives him props for finally kicking off a show well. Kara finds him more comfortable. Paula calls him memorable. Simon compares him to Clay Aiken — singing well, but dressing “appalling”.

2. Taylor Vaifanua: I don’t recall her at all from the previous rounds. She’s singing Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”, a song which is “totally her”. I’m distracted by her outfit, which is some kind of short cocktail dress over a cheap tee-shirt and leather leggings. Then I’m distracted by how she can’t handle the lower notes in her song. Why do they always pitch too low? She hits the higher notes all right, but it’s kind of boring overall. Kara wants more personality. Paula is perplexed, since they heard this same song in Hollywood week. Simon couldn’t remember her from the previous rounds, and calls her performance bland and generic. They kick into the post-judging music stinger, then Randy gets his chance to repeat what’s been said before.

3. Alex Wagner-Trugman: He’s been reading on the internets that people find him “dorky”, so he’s been going to the gym. He’s going to do “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues”. He’s using the microphone stand, and from the get-go he’s oversinging and breaking his voice and doing just plain weird stuff. It’s almost as weird a vocal performance as Nick/Norman turned in, but at least N/N was intentionally comedic. This kid is going hella overboard and is totally sincere about it. I’m going to wager that the word “karaoke” will come out of Simon’s mouth. Paula calls him “the showman”. Simon says he was fun to watch, but not to listen to, and calls part of the singing “ridiculous growling”. Indeed. Randy calls it “crazy in a buck wild kind of way”. What? Kara enjoyed his choreography. So … was he doing all of that as a joke? Or for realsies? I’m confused.

4. Arianna Afsar: She has a vaguely familiar look from previous rounds. She’s going to do the first-ever ABBA song on Idol — “The Winner Takes It All”. She’s using a mic stand, so it’s not a dynamic performance. She’s singing with a country twang, and sounds at times like she has a bubble of spit caught in her throat. Actually, I think she’s really nervous — she has that distinctive quiver in her voice. I don’t know this song, but musically it sounds kind of like The Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You”. I don’t think it was a good song choice, and I don’t think she did all that great. Simon cuts it down in several ways. Randy says it wasn’t the right song. Kara wants her to be more like a beam of sunshine, cute as a button, instead of the dark and depressing performance she just gave. Paula tries to add a little cheer, saying there were “bright moments”, but also criticizes the song choice.

5. Ju’not Joyner: All I remember about this guy is his name with the apostrophe in it. And if you know me at all, you know I’m anti-apostrophe in names. Anyhoo, he’s yet another kid with a kid, and he’ll be singing “Hey There Delilah”. And again with the microphone stand! What’s up with this group? So much use of the Performance Inhibitor™. The song is boring, his performance is boring, he looks half-asleep, and he’s both flat and sharp in places. Although he does hit a couple of decent money notes near the end. Randy appreciates the way he pulled back, and loves the song. Kara likes his spin on the song. Paula likes the liberties he took. Simon says it was better than he thought it would be, although a little bit safe. What? Am I the only one who thought it was boring and maudlin? Hmm, I guess so.

Commercials: How is it that Hell’s Kitchen and Top Chef both have supposedly professional chefs as contestants, but the folks on Hell’s Kitchen always seem much more classless, trashy, and ugly?

6. Kristen McNamara: Her purple hair was a “boo-boo”. Her group experience included a toxic drama queen and Nathaniel the freak. And tonight she’s singing Tracey Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Yet ANOTHER microphone stand. The backing track starts out, and I know immediately that it’s going to be a soulless and crappy arrangement. And yes! Soulless is a perfect word! There’s not a single hint of the bluesy goodness that made this song excellent. She’s also changing the melody in spots, making it much more monotone. Some of her big money notes were sub-par at the end, too. Kara wanted to hear more of a Kelly Clarkson or Pink feel — more rock. Paula was expecting much the same. Simon describes her outfit as something her mum styled for a pageant. Randy is also unsure who she is, and accuses her of doing too much. And finally, the word “karaoke” is uttered.

7. Nathaniel Marshall: This is one of the kids who I don’t think should have gone through. He’s OK, but he’s not that great — better singers were let go. But he’s going to do Meat Loaf’s “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” and he gets the name wrong when he tells us what he’s singing. That’s always a good sign. This has all the makings of a great trainwreck. He starts out all soft and Broadwaylicious. Then it gets even MORE Broadway. And he dances like a drag queen. Overall it’s much worse than the original, which is something I never thought possible. Simon thinks the majority will find it excruciating, and hates on his outfit. Randy likes him, but is perplexed by the song choice. Apparently it’s a song that Nathaniel and his mother would dance around to. Kara wants him to be more serious. Paula thought he was cool and bold in Hollywood, but this was like a Boy George version of the song, without any cool factor. Wow, Paula kind of made good sense there.

8. Felicia Barton: Yet another stay-at-home mom. She actually didn’t make it into the top 36 originally, but was called in as an alternate. More Alicia Keys — she’s doing “No One”. She’s totally oversinging the hell out of the song, filling it with twang and breaks and runs and crap. The tempo feels really weird, like it needs to either be sped up or slowed down. We get to see her husband (who needs a haircut desperately) and son. Paula likes her. Simon thought the first part was better than the second, and calls it a bit copycat. Randy calls it “hot”. Kara likes her look, her attitude, her presence, and really noticed her for the first time tonight.

9. Scott MacIntyre: Blind kid! If he does well at all, he’s totally moving to the top 12. He’s made the intriguing choice of “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby. He’s out there on a stool, probably having been led there by his seeing-eye hunk. The arrangement is kind of bland, and he’s just all right — he’s actually not the greatest singer, but he has such a great story. And of course, when he’s done singing the crowd goes bananas for him. Randy says it wasn’t a perfect vocal, but when he got it right, he really got it right. Kara applauds how much he sings from his heart, and wants America to put him through so we can hear him play and sing. Paula loves all over him. Simon wasn’t crazy about the song, but says Scott is growing on him.

10. Kendall Beard: She’s the cute little blonde who auditioned in Puerto Rico. She’s going to sing some Martina McBride crap. And every time she’s moved on, her dad has done his alligator dance. WEIRD. Oh, hey, I’ve heard this song before. Still crap, but it’s crap I’ve heard. She’s all over the place, and the backup singers in the chorus just emphasize how far off she is. Even her powerful money notes are pitchy. Kara applauds her personality, despite the issues with notes. Paula loves her outfit (Really, Paula? The wildflower belt?) and calls her adorable. Simon gives her props for picking a cute country song, but halfway through couldn’t wait for it to end. Randy also likes that she’s one of the first people who seem to know who they are as a singer.

11. Jorge Nuñez: I went and made a special trip out to get the n with the tilde. Yay, special characters! He’s going to give America a little “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”. Hopefully it’ll be full of spicy Latin flavor. First off, kid needs some manscaping — his eyebrows are almost Sylar-sized. And he has a droopy eyelid, which is distracting. He’s singing all right — for the most part, he’s in tune. There are a few spots where his pronunciation is a bit wonky, but overall he does a decent job. But the song itself is somewhat boring, especially the American Idol arrangement. Paula’s terribly proud of all his hard work, and just wants to squeeze him. Simon thinks they were wrong to ask him to work on his accent. Randy calls his vocal really, really good. Kara brings it home by telling him that he’s born to sing. Then he starts crying, and the she-judges turn to mush. He blubbers in happy Spanish, and it’s kind of adorable.

12. Lil Rounds: Of course, they’re giving this girl the headliner spot. And of course, she’s going to do some Mary J. Blige (I always try to write that as “bilge”). I hate the weird syncopation of the song, but she does a great job — great tone, no nerves, it’s definitely the best performance of the night. Simon keeps it brief: “brilliant”. Although he warns her against Blige, since Lil sounds so Blige-like. Randy agrees, and says she didn’t lose her swagger tonight. Kara calls her a powerhouse. Paula calls her first-class, and has a “sneaking suspicion we’ll see her for many more Lil Rounds.” Clever, Paula!

Recaps: Von had a high boy-voice. Taylor had leather leggings. Alex took it a spaz too far. Arianna tried to be too big. Ju’not was boring and bland. Kristen filled my soul with meh. Nathaniel won’t do that. Felicia was uneventful. Scott’s a shoo-in. Kendall is all perky sunshine. Jorge was decent. Lil kicked eight kinds of ass.

I’m pretty sure Scott and Lil are guaranteed to move on. So now I have to decide on a third. I think it’s either going to be the country of Kendall or the foreignness of Jorge, since both are bound to have strong followings. But since the two previous weeks have been two boys and a girl, I’m going to keep the streak alive and go with Jorge.