All right, it’s time for our first results show. It starts with the usual batch of BS between Seacrest and the judges, where Kara actually names names of people who disappointed her (ballsy!) and everyone grumps about Simon.

A full hour show for, essentially, three sentences of important material. Awesome. The filler continues (and there’s going to be a ton of it tonight) with a quickie recap of this group’s journeys so far. Then we’re headed into the first group song of the season, a peppy little ditty called “I’m Yours”. As always, it’s a hot mess, and I fast-forward through most of it.

After the commercials, we get to see a recap of the “raw” show from last night. Good gravy, Jackie was terrible. As were many of the other girls. And that big chrome microphone is SO distracting.

Seacrest talks to the kids, and has Jackie rate her performance. She gives herself a “91″, also known as “B+/A-”. Clearly she’s high. Anoop is nervous, Tatiana is distracted by shiny objects and spouting metaphysical word salad. There’s a lot of just-happy-to-be-here, then we head into the first bit of results.

Casey’s up first, and I have to say, her outfit is boobielicious. She’s not in the top three. Stephen is up next. Of course, he’s not in the top three. Then it’s time for Alexis. We cut to her family, and her dad is a total hippie. And of course, she makes it to the top three! And as part of the filler, we’re going to have her sing her song again. FF time!

After the break, Seacrest brings both Ricky and Jackie up together. Which tells me that they’re probably both toast — and of course, they are. Next up, both Anoop and Michael. Now these guys seem to be splitting most of our third-spot choices, so this is a fascinating pair. I picked Anoop, but I totally think Michael would be a wildcard. One of them is through to the top 12, and it’s … Michael. So all right, I guess Anoop will be the wildcard. Yay, little roughneck! He sings, I fast-forward, and we move on.

After the break, it’s time for an ad for the WDW American Idol Experience. Hey! They’re all on a stage that I’VE performed on! Very cool. I definitely stayed away from the area on the day they did the big media blitz — that place was a madhouse.

Seacrest calls down the next two contestants, but doesn’t name them by name. And two people come down who look like Michael Johns and Carly Smithson. I find it a little horrifying that I remember everyone’s full names. They each have a chrome microphone, and they’re doing a duet of “The Letter”. Fast-forward!

After the break, it’s time to find our last finalist (Danny). Ann Marie stands, and gets a recap. Brent stands, and gets a recap. Stevie stands, and gets a recap. As expected, all three of them get to sit right back down again. So now it’s down to Danny and Tatiana, who get to go center stage. Oh dear. Danny is nervous, but Tatiana is … CRAZY. Flipping her head all around, barely speaking, just … CRAZY. Of course, Seacrest makes them wait until after the break to find out their fate.

Seacrest draws it out, but not as much as he could have, and announces that Danny is through to the top 12. Tatiana buries her face in her hands, and staggers around while people try to hug her. As Danny sings his song again, you can see her shambling around and weeping. She is the dictionary definition of “hot mess”, but I’m sure she’ll be back for the wildcard show.

For lasties, a preview of next week’s group. A number of unknown faces in there — let’s hope their overall performance is better than some of the dead weight from this week.

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