Dancing with the Stars: Week 2 Performances
Last week, we sent home some dead weight. This week, there’s still more dead weight to lose! It’s the guys against the girls for the first time, on Dancing with the Stars!
The stars make their entrances down the staircase, and it takes forever. There’s still so darned many of them. Trumpet Guy blows down the walls of Jericho as we pan over the celebs, and my goodness, some of the stars’ outfits are ghastly. More on this later.
We get a too-long filmography for tonight’s guest judge, Baz Luhrmann. In my opinion, Moulin Rouge is 45 minutes’ worth of movie crammed into two hours. Filler galore. We’ll see what kind of things he has to say. Now, on with the dancing!
Joanna & Derek: Tonight they’ll be dancing the Jive. Remember, she was the top-scoring woman last week. Right now, she’s wearing eight pounds of fake hair and a string mop for a skirt. As for the dancing, their Jive doesn’t seem particularly jivey. Not a lot of the synchronized flick kicks I know and love. Carrie Ann likes their energy, but thinks Joanna’s feet weren’t that great. Bruno wants much cleaner flicks and kicks. Baz finds them tremendous and exciting, but wants more of a relationship. I miss Len and his technical analysis already. Backstage, there’s some Samantha-grade babbling, then the judging. They get 6-7-7 for a score of 20.
Natalie & Alec: Natalie loved it when Bruno called her a “million dollar mermaid”. Funny, she doesn’t strike me as very Annette Kellerman. Or even Esther Williams. Oh yes, friends — I’ve seen the movie Million Dollar Mermaid … several times. Shut up. Tonight they’re dancing the Quick Step, and Natalie is learning to breathe. They dance fairly well, and Natalie seems to be having more fun; at least she’s smiling more. Her footwork is decent, but could be better. Bruno wants her to relax even more, so she stops going “funny” in her shoulders. Baz liked the second half, once she got more into the dance. Carrie Ann loves Natalie, but wants her to think about Alec as an extension of herself. Kinky. Backstage and beyond the babble, the scores arrive: 7-7-7 for a 21 (winner winner, chicken dinner).
Chuck & Anna: They’re doing the Tango, so Chuck doesn’t need to work on his feminine side just yet. Anna suggests adding some of Chuck’s fighting moves, which … sounds like what Lacey had Mark do last week with the Kung Fu. And that worked so well. We’ll see. For the dance, Chuck has a tattoo that looks like it was drawn on the side of his head in Sharpie. He’s also shirtless (but wearing suspenders). Part of the choreography at the beginning is Anna helping him put his jacket on, which is nothing but weird. During the actual dancing, Anna is great. Chuck, unsurprisingly, is still blocky and wooden and stiff. It’s a Tango Trainwreck. Baz thinks Uncle Len would rip them to pieces, but applauds Chuck’s ability to face fear. Carrie Ann was a little frightened, and loves the “impact” of the piece. Bruno encourages us to vote for Chuck, calling him “savage and primeval.” The scores are 6-7-6, totalling 19 for the night.
Melissa & Mark: Her shoulders were all wadded up last week; let’s hope she relaxes more during the Jive this week. Mark demonstrates the Jive like a spasmoid, then proceeds to get smacked and whacked as they practice tricks. They’re wearing polka-dotted outfits that make me think of the big candy room in the 70s Willy Wonka movie. During the dance she’s doing the steps, but when you compare them to the overly-large steps Mark is doing, her footwork all seems tiny and minimalist. Which is the opposite of what the Jive should be. On the plus side, she looks like she’s having a lot more fun than last week. Carrie Ann loves the energy. Bruno says she’s “like flittering ladybirds.” WTF, Bruno? Baz thinks it’s a big improvment since last week, but says the steps defeated her a bit. The numbers are: 7-6-6, for 19. Dudes, she was MUCH better than Chuck.
In the Macy’s design-a-dance contest, America has already chosen a Paso Doble. Now we get a chance to pick the music, on the ABC Web site. Even though I don’t know how good the song will be for the Paso, I’m voting for Duran Duran’s “Notorious” for the sole reason that it’s Duran Duran.
Michael & Anna: Last week the Cha-Cha-Cha wasn’t so hot, and Anna’s choreography was partly to blame. This week they’re doing the Quick Step, so it’ll be nice to see what steps she throws in. The singer who’s performing “Too Darn Hot” needs to enunciate a little bit; it’s “I’d like to sup with my baby tonight”, but it sounds like he’s singing “suck with my baby” instead. Ew. The dance is all right, but it’s still kind of boring. Think about other Quick Steps we’ve seen in the past (Helio & Julianne, anyone?) and this one pales in comparison. He does all right, though, and will probably get scores similar to everyone else tonight. Bruno applauds the improvement in both skill and content. Baz loves how Michael confronts the challenge. Carrie Ann does an awkward little touchdown dance. The judges throw him 7-7-6, matching Joanna & Derek’s 20.
Debi & Maks: She got upset when Maks constantly corrected her in rehearsal. But she thinks the I-love-you-I-hate-you relationship will work great for the Tango. She has an awesome spit curl on her face for the dance. Then things get awful, when the band strikes up the version of “Roxanne” they did in Moulin Rouge. There’s some strutting and mugging, then very little actual Tango (with some stumbles and weird footwork) and a big acty drama ending. Content, content. Baz loves the song (yeah, yeah) and calls the dance fantastic, just like he’s done with every other dance tonight. Carrie Ann gives Debbie props for drama, and gives kudos for the posture and hold. Bruno loves when she’s channeling the “feisty ball breaker.” Did the censor not understand Bruno’s words, or is that OK to say on TV? Either way, it’s a win. After a chuckle or two backstage, the judges give them 7-7-7, for a first-place-so-far tie of 21 (WWCD).
Louie & Chelsie: Now that I look at him some more, he has more of an Oompa Loompa look to him than a hobbit. Something in the face. I’m going to keep calling him Snidget, though. They’re doing the Jive, and in rehearsal it looks like Chelsie’s trying to break the poor kid’s groin with the splits. He starts the dance with an admittedly cool flip over her head, and then they launch into some pretty darn good kicking. He’s really getting his knees up high. The rest of the Jive is decent, although there’s some filler in there. He also gets off the beat a couple of times. Carrie Ann loves Snidget’s level of joy, but chastises him for getting ahead of the music. Bruno digs into him, because some of the sections were really good — the rest was “mucking about.” Baz repeats the others’ comments, then throws out a “tremendous” as with every other dance. As they head backstage, it’s band intro time. Jewelry Head is wearing a fluorescent green dress, and waves like crazy at us. I think she’s nuts. They’re given 6-7-6, tying the bottom teams with 19.
Aaron & Karina: I’ve been holding off on mentioning the green tuxedo. Mainly because I want to keep Aaron away from me Lucky Charms. HIDEOUS. They’re doing the Quick Step this week, and Karina’s pushing him hard, and they have some good fight footage. Just as the band is about to play, there’s a commotion in the house! Animal the Muppet is up playing drums in the balcony! Did I miss some new Muppet/ABC crossover? Oh, NO, they’re doing the Quick Step to the theme from The Muppet Show. Malfoy in a leprechaun suit with the Muppet theme? Suddenly I feel like I’m in the sky with diamonds. But I have to give the kid credit: it’s the best dance of the night so far. Good choreography, lots of actual quick steps, and he shows some personality. At the judging table, Gonzo hits on Bruno, or maybe it’s the other way around. Bruno stands up and declares it doubly spectacular, then calls Aaron a mini Fred Astaire. Baz babbles worse than Samantha, but praises the dance. Carrie Ann jokes that they’re both wearing the same kelly green, but misses a chance to make a green-screen joke. But it takes going backstage to Samantha for them to clue me in that he’s supposed to be Kermit in his green suit. And Karina is Miss Piggy. I think this whole dance was a little too high-concept for me. They take top scores for the night with 9-9-9, for a total of 27.
Kelly & Louis: For their intro goof, Kelly puts lip gloss on Louis. Sorry, Kelly — nothing could make him less like leather and beef jerky. They’re doing the Tango this week, and Kelly’s full of fretting because they had four weeks to rehearse last week, and only four days this time. Their dance is pretty good: a lot of good stepping and twirling. Kelly can’t hold the stern Tangoface and breaks into a grin halfway through. Then it looks like they mess up on the very very end.
Baz acknowledges the mistakes that were made, but thinks her story and strength are fantastic. Carrie Ann likes what she’s seeing, and wants Kelly to relax. Bruno thinks she could be amazing, if she can just stop with the mistakes. The judges have to go with the dance and the mistakes, but they still give a generous 6-7-6 for a score of 19. I hope the home viewers keep her in it; she’s got real potential, and seems like a good kid.
Kathy & Tony: Their outfits this week don’t match, and they don’t “go”. Ugh. They’re dancing the Quick Step, and Kathy thinks there’s nowhere to go but up. They’re dancing to “Shall We Dance”, although the first few notes sound like “Be our Guest”. There’s a bit too much “acting” and non-dancing going on, and the pace is really slow for a Quick Step. Her movement is better and less stiff than last week, but it isn’t a great performance overall. And the back of Tony’s coat looks like the flag of Albania, which makes no sense because he’s “Made in Kosovo”. Carrie Ann saw improvment in presentation, but had a number of criticisms. Bruno agrees, then calls her elegant but not engaging. Baz wanted more excitement and attack. The judges give her 6-6-6 for an 18, the lowest score so far. But Tom DeLay hasn’t danced yet.
GOOD LORD, THERE ARE STILL SO MANY DANCES LEFT. Dear DwtS: you’re killing me, Homes.
Mark & Lacey: Go, Sensei Ping! It’s Quick Step time again, and I hope he can be really, really quick. They start their dance out in the audience, do a little showy whatnot, then dig in. He stumbles near the top of the actual dancing, but recovers himself well. Then they get into the skipping and kicking, and it gets great! Watching his face, this guy would make an excellent young George Takei. Bruno likes it, wants more improvement, and seems pleased. Baz admires the recovery from the first trip, and thinks he has great potential. Carrie Ann repeats much of what’s already been said, and wants him to relax and breathe some more. The judges toss him 7-7-7 (WWCD) and he’s up near the top of the pack with 21. The Clan of the Pointed Stick would be proud. (If you haven’t watched The Middleman yet, rent it. Now.)
Mya & Dmitry: It’s Jive time, and they’re both nervous and wanting to do a technically perfect routine. For the dance, Mya is wearing a doofy wig, and Dmitry has highwater pants and taped glasses. The song choice is weird, but the dance is great. A lot of good moves, some difficult looking stuff, and nice speed. Baz gives heaps of praise. Carrie Ann says that Len would hate the beginning, but she herself likes it very much. Bruno calls them Josephine Baker and Clark Kent. Will they top Aaron’s scores? First Samantha has to natter at them and ask the inane questions. After twelve hours of talk, the judges’ scores: 9-9-9, for a 27 that ties Aaron’s score.
Tom & Cheryl: It would appear that Cheryl is playing the part of Kermit the Frog in this dance. Another kelly green outfit. They’re doing the Tango, and Tom has problems during rehearsal with snapping his head. He went to the doctor with hurty toes, and he has a pre-stress fracture. Which sounds like he’s on the cusp of breaking something, but it hasn’t quite broken yet. Fun. For the dance, he’s all ramrod straight and stiff, which I guess kind of works for the Tango. His kicks are gawky, any move out of hold is incredibly unsexy, and at the very end he almost drops Cheryl on the ground. Carrie Ann finds them to be an oddly well-matched couple, and liked it until the end. Bruno commends the distinguished and determined approach, although it wasn’t that great all told. Baz liked the holds and thought it had grace. Samantha asks how the foot is, and Tom says, “We’re going to dance until it breaks.” That’s a great way to do things. The judges give him 6-6-6, so he’s tied for last place with 18.
Donny & Kym: He knows he has to work his butt off in the Jive. Turns out he’s the second oldest in the competition, since Tom DeLay is older than dirt. For the dance itself, he’s wearing a shiny silver velour suit. Kym, on the other hand, has the footwear of a Halloween “Sexy Pirate” and the top of a Xanadu skating muse. It’s ghastly and awesome all at the same time. They’re dancing to “Secret Agent Man”, and it’s shockingly fun. He has a great amount of pep and vigor for being 51. His steps are sharp, the kicks are high, and he does a very good job overall. Bruno tells Secret Agent Osmond: “Mission accomplished.” Baz likes the dance, and is delighted that “dance knows no age.” Carrie Ann says that this is why the name Osmond carries so much weight in the entertainment business. Then she gives sexxy props to Kym’s outfit. Samantha yammers, then the judges give them 8-9-8, for a total of 25, giving Donny 3rd place for the night.
So who’s going home? Kathy Ireland and Tom DeLay are tied at the bottom of the leaderboard, and in the battle between Kmart shoppers and Republicans, I think Tom has the bigger fanbase. I’m going on record that Kathy will be headed home.
