Dancing with the Stars: Week 4
Last week: Debi got the boot, and Tom left to get protective boots. This week, four new dances! It’s time … for Dancing with the Stars!
Trumpet Guy is the best part of the whole first five minutes. In other news, there are still too damn many stars in this show. And Louis Van Amstel looks like a cross between Dracula and a drag queen. Ooh, we also find out that “appropriate lifts” are allowed this week. Game on!
Chuck & Anna will do the Two-Step, and the rehearsal footage is ghastly. Will the dance be better? The short answer: no. They start with eight hours of acting, where Chuck throws a lasso around Anna, and then move on to a dance that manages to make Anna look ungraceful. Chuck looks like a teenager who’s memorized the steps, but is uncertainly staggering through them. Len gives Chuck props for entertaining people (Really, Len?) but says the quality of dance isn’t there. Bruno accuses him of bringing carnage and mayhem to everything he does. Carrie Ann says the Two-Step suited him best of all the dances he’s done. Scores: 6-5-6 for 17.
Melissa & Mark are going to do the Charelston. During rehearsal, they went to a “1920s club” to get the vibe. I want to go to that club. As they start their dance, there’s an old-timey filter on the cameras that makes me want to kick the producers in the nads. Thank goodness, after their five hours of acting it goes back to regular color. Melissa’s improving, but the flat shoes aren’t doing her any favors. She seems blocky and ungraceful. And of course, next to Mark’s spastic hamming, her movements still seem small and restrained. Bruno stands up and shouts at her, “I was in the 20s, watching a flicker! You have the role, 120%.” (Any declaration of effort over 100% is one of my biggest pet peeves.) Carrie Ann loves it, calls it fantastic. Len says she got all of the three Es: energy, excitement, entertainment. Scores: 9-9-10 for 28, and my mind is blown. Guys, it wasn’t that good. Really.
Natalie & Alec will do our first Bolero of the night. It’s a slow, flowy dance, and Alec is making things even harder with some difficult choreography. On stage, they only do a tiny bit of acting with a cloak, then it’s all sexydancing. It looks like the Bolero borrows some elements from a few different Latin styles, and kind of leans toward the Rumba as far as slow & sexy. It’s good, but she doesn’t set me on fire. I think she’s kind of bland. Carrie Ann didn’t like it as much as last week, and thinks there was some struggle. Len enjoyed the lyrical movement, but wanted more romance. Bruno is “very very happy you found your Basic Instinct.” Then he makes some great comments about her swimmer arms. Scores: 8-8-8 for 24.
Aaron & Karina are up for the first Lambada. Oh no, this punky kid is going to have to try to be sexy again, and again, I don’t think it’s going to work. I mean, Malfoy doing the forbidden dance? And he rehearses wearing those terrible Ugg boots? NOOO! He nails his big opening gymnastic flip, and then it’s shimmy time. Throughout the dance, his facial expression is a mix of bulldog underbite and I-smell-something-nasty. Least sexy guy ever. He moves all right, but they biff the big lift at the very end. Len likes Aaron’s enthusiasm, but wishes he’d spent more time on the rhythm and raunchiness. Bruno agrees; Aaron didn’t get the feel for the character. Carrie Ann basically wants him to chill out, and stop trying too hard. She nailed it — it’s uncomfortable watching his desperation out there. There’s a difference between hard work sweat and needy flop sweat. Scores: 6-6-6 for 18. Lots of boos in the audience, and Aaron swears he won’t cry this time.
Mark & Lacey have the Two-Step. I’ve heard that she’s injured her hip or something, but I guess she’ll still be dancing while she gets whatever therapy? During rehearsal, Mark gets a visit from his million adorable children and the back of his wife’s head. And he stresses about everything, as usual. On the dance floor, the steps start out looking simple, but then some nice moves get thrown in there. He does seem a lot more relaxed, and it looks like he may actually be having fun out there. Hooray! Bruno loves the improvement in confidence, but was sad because of a loss in footing. Carrie Ann has many nice things to say, and calls it the most exciting Two-Step so far. (Best out of two, CA?) Len really liked the choreography, and wants a bit more lightness in the footwork. Scores: 8-7-7 for 22, which is their highest score so far. Hooray again!
Kelly & Louis have the next Charleston, and Louis’ makeup is still hideous. In rehearsal, we find out that she got a lead role in Chicago on Broadway, but they actually gave her a different role because she couldn’t dance. Aww! On the dance floor, she’s SO MUCH BETTER. She’s smiling, she’s dancing well. There’s a couple of little spots that look like tiny flubs, but overall it’s a great dance for Kelly. Carrie Ann compares watching Kelly dance to seeing a little birdie get its wings and fly. Len applauds the confidence and the performance. Bruno also has good things to say. Hooray some more! As they head backstage, it’s time to say hello to the band. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever) the camera pans over the singers from right to left, starting with Jewelry Head instead of ending with her. Yay, a moment for the guys to shine! Scores: 8-7-8 for 23. Samantha asks if Kelly feels like she’s ready to play Roxie, and Kelly says, “I don’t know, you played Roxie, you tell me,” and oh my NO, HARRIS PLAYED ROXIE?! In what universe?
Joanna & Derek are our next Lambada couple. They’re going to bring some extra grind. During the week, they went out to an animal shelter and groomed some dogs, because ABC’s on this volunteering kick. I’m sure it’s going hand-in-hand with the Disney promotion for next year, where you get a day of Disney for a day of volunteering. On the dance floor, we start with Derek removing his shirt completely. Then Joanna smooches Len. Now that the pandering is done, let’s grind. They do a great job, lots of shaking and shimmying and, indeed, grinding. There are a couple of awkward transitions, and Joanna spends a lot of the dance mouthing along with the music, and the just-quite don’t nail their final pose, but overall it’s a great dance, and miles better than what Aaron did earlier. Len says he knows what he wants for tomorrow night’s encore, and praises the choreography. Bruno leans forward and shouts, “WHEN ANIMALS GET PHYSICAL.” Then he basically implies he has spank material for the next six months. Carrie Ann hopes the children were in bed, and Bergeron replies, “I bet some of the adults are now.” Excellent. CA says the dance was fueled by the crotch area, as it should have been. Scores: 9-8-9 for 26.
Donny & Kym will do our third Charleston, and Donny calls it a “typical Donny kind of dance.” However, he’s beating himself up for every missed step. But I have a sneaking suspicion he’s going to do great. Their opening bit of acting isn’t too long, and then the proceed to turn in a fun, delightful dance. A couple of little odd spots, but overall it’s wonderfully performed. Bruno loves seeing a showman in his element. Carrie Ann loves how in synch they are, but caught one little flub. Len enjoys watching Donny dance. Backstage, Samantha asks her insipid questions while Louis and Karina are behind her shoulder making weird hand motions. Thanks for pulling the focus, douches. Scores: 8-8-8 for 24.
Michael & Anna were in the bottom two last week; can the Bolero pull them out of the hole? Only if he stops with the embarassed, stilted, tiny dancing. Anna brings in Tony Dovolani, who was Bolero world champion, to give some advice. Michael is learning how to do intense eye contact, but I fear it looks more stalkerish than romantic. In the dance itself, he’s still fairly wooden and awkward. And every time he does an abrupt move, he opens his mouth like he’s saying “yeahhhh” to himself. Also, Anna’s choreography still isn’t up to the same level as the more experienced pros. Carrie Ann says she saw the romance, but didn’t see enough dancing — there were too many poses. Len agrees, calling it “economic with the movement.” Len reminds Michael that the highest mark he’s given him so far is a 4, and lets him know that’s going up tonight. Bruno isn’t seeing improvement, and wonders, “What about the goods? What about the steps?” Backstage, Louis starts his BS again, so the cameraman shifts to the side to exclude him from the shot over Samantha’s shoulder. Douche. Scores: 5-6-5 for 16. Poor Michael is the worst dancer still in the competition.
Louie & Chelsie have the last Two-Step of the night. For research, they head out to Ty Murray’s ranch, where Louie the city boy shows his ineptitude with all things country. On the dance floor, the first half is almost all Louie taking tiny little steps, holding Chelsie’s hand while she does tricks and spins. He gets a couple of kicks near the middle, then it’s more tiny steps and whirling Chelsie. His arms are doing lots of things, but his feet are barely moving. He didn’t so much dance at all, as … facilitate. Len repeats my sentiments in his own words. Bruno finds the timing dubious, and says charm isn’t enough. Carrie didn’t feel the music coming through Louie at all. Scores: 5-5-6 for 16, and Snidget ties Michael for the bottom spot of the night.
Mya & Dmitry are batting cleanup and dancing the Lambada. They worked on the choreography together this week, which once again raises the idea that she knows too much dance already to be on this show. On the floor, his shirt is mesh and her legs are fully oiled. Of course, the choreography is complex, they look great, they dance great. There’s a nice slower spot in the middle to offset the faster stuff at the beginning and the end, and I hope Len finally gives them a respectable score. Bruno calls her “a erotic, exotic roller coaster.” Then he flails and writhes and is his usual creepy, oversexed self. Carrie Ann calls it amazing, and loves how there was the raunchiness, but with a touch of class. Len blathers on about his standards and her standards, then says the boo-worthy line, “I felt, in the Lambada, I was gonna get a bit more.” BOOO. BOO-URNS. Scores: 10-8-10 for 28, and the hi-lo-hi pattern we’ve grown to expect.
Melissa and Mya are tied at 28 for the top spot, while Louie and Michael share the bottom at 16. Tomorrow: Shakira!
And now … TOMORROW. The results show is, as usual, full of recaps, recaps, and more recaps. As well as a couple of songs by Shakira, who sings in that same bubble-of-spit-in-the-throat way as that horrid Zooey Deschanel on those new cotton TV ads. Oh, and some packages about crap like how hard it is to do DwtS, and how some of the stars have children, and how some of those children have opinions about their parent’s dancing prowess.
It comes down to Aaron & Karina vs. Chuck & Anna, because America has totally spared Michael & Anna from the bottom two. I love that Aaron is in the bottom, because I can’t stand that kid. But it’s Chuck who gets the boot. I like that this means I won’t get confused by two pro dancers named Anna anymore. Now there’s just Louis vs. Louie, which is totally doable.
