It’s nice to see articles like this: End the War on Fat: It could be making us sicker. Slowly but surely, mainstream media is starting to let people know that dietary fat is not the enemy. If Slate can be considered mainstream media.

I’m recapping the short series Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution over at The Disney Blog. (ABC falls under the Disney umbrella.) Two episodes in, four to go. Fingers crossed that Jamie can make some significant changes.

I just got a couple of books from Amazon: New Atkins for a New You and The Primal Blueprint (and yes, those are affiliate links). I’m starting with the Atkins book first. So far, there aren’t a ton of changes from the 2002 New Diet Revolution; it’s mostly some tweaks and hints, as well as guidance on how to do Atkins as a vegetarian or vegan. (Inconceivable!)

This week’s homemade ice cream is maple pecan again. I got some coconut flour, which should hopefully open up new avenues of experimental cooking and baking. We’ll see how I do with this one package before I go balls-out and buy a 4-pack from Amazon. There are recipes galore out there, from using it to bread fish to making muffins and cakes.

This week was originally scheduled to be “teen idols” week, but now they’ve changed it to Billboard #1 week. But the “mentor” is still Miley Cyrus, so there’s still some trainwreck factor involved. We pan over the contestants (Sanjaya mohawk alert!) and introduce the judges. This week is a pivotal night, because the top 10 get to go on tour, so whoever gets the boot tonight won’t get to go. I know that the people at Vote for the Worst are pushing hard to get Tim Urban into the top 10, so it’ll be interesting to see if he does something tonight to draw in the tweens and teens.

We get some pointless banter, Kara and Simon do their weird flirty thing, and Seacrest runs off to executive produce Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. We get a package telling us about the Billboard Hot 100 chart, then we get to see Miley Cyrus show up to mentor the Idols. And even though she’s only 17, for the seated interview she looks 25. And not a gently-used 25. She’s sitting in the audience next to Adam Shankman, who looks even creepier than usual.

Lee DeWyze – “The Letter” by The Box Tops – He has a five-man horns section, and he’s changed the song to a jazzy, snazzy number with a syncopated beat. It’s not awful, and he does seem to be showing a bit more personality, but it’s not rocking my world. I wish he’d chosen something more in line with his voice, and something more modern, instead of monkeying with a song from over 40 years ago. His voice is good as always, and the audience loves the hell out of him. Most of the judges love it, and although some may hate Ellen, I love her comparisons (Lee is like her favorite pen, and not some banana-in-a-sack). 7 out of 10, with points off for song selection.

Paige Miles – “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins – She gets the stool interview spot. A fan in the crowd gave her a ring, her heels are really high, and her voice still sounds trashed from illness. And she’s doing a song I love, so if she screws it up, it’s clobberin’ time. She starts singing while sitting on the huge staircase, and it’s AWFUL. Shaky, nervous voice, pitchy, whispery. She finally breaks out of the quivery falsetto and into her belting voice in the second verse, and it’s a thousand times better. Although she’s still mauling a song I love, and a thousand times better than bad isn’t necessarily good. And the ending sucks eggs. Randy says: “Yo. Man. Yo. Wow. Really, honestly.” Kara says that Paige took on “the Mariah version,” and I just about did a beer spit-take. Mariah covered this song and I missed it? Judges no likey, and me no likey. 3 out of 10.

Tim Urban – “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen – Oh NO, Tim. Not Queen. And not this song, one of my least favorite from Queen. Will he do the jazzy Michael Bublé version? No, he’s going with the original! And for a split second as he starts to sing, he looks exactly like Ben Stiller wearing a wig. As with so many songs, he needs to kick it up in key — the line “crazy little thing called love” at the end of verses one and two has a couple of notes that are unachievably low for poor Turban. He slides across the stage, he snaps his fingers, he steps down onto a little platform in the middle of some squealing girls. It’s … actually not awful. It’s not great either, but I’ve seen him suck harder. Randy calls it bad karaoke. Ellen calls it corny. Simon calls it pointless and silly. It’s a total judges’ slamfest. 4 out of 10 because Paige was a little worse.

Aaron Kelly – “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith – Stool interview! He’s caught the laryngitis, and has tonsilitis to boot. And he’s caught a crush on Miley. Didn’t some country dude cover this song? This sounds more like country than Aerosmith. And really, it sounds more like Paige, in that his voice is shaky and pitchy and all over the place. He’s making faces like he feels emotions, but it’s not coming through in the singing. That might be the throat problems, or it might just be him. But Randy gives him the love, thanking him for singing after the previous two stunk up the stage. Nice, Randy. The ladyjudges applaud his song choice (Really?) but Simon warns him against sounding old-fashioned. 6 out of 10.

Crystal Bowersox – “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin – Crystal had Miley sign her guitar, so that her signature joins those of other “powerful, beautiful women.” She’s up there with her guitar and her microphone stand, and as usual it’s head and shoulders above anyone else in the competition. I’m not a fan of the song, but she takes it and kicks it up and down the stage and punches it in the junk, in a good way. Ellen cautions her again that she’s missing some personality and connection, and Kara wants her to step out from behind the guitar. Crystal says that, if she’s still here, she has some big plans for next week. Oh, and she has a little rug on stage! Far and away the best of the night so far, 9 out of 10.

Michael Lynche – “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge (although Michael Bolton also hit #1 on the Hot 100, 25 years later) – Big Mike has a piano player AND a string quartet out there with him. Smooth! Kara will love this, because he definitely finds the meaning of the song and gets emotionally involved. He’s in tune, and gives a good performance, and the people love him. It’s just a shame he had to follow Crystal; if he’d gone before, he could have held the “best of the night” mantle for a little while. The judges think it might be a safe song choice, and that it might be old-fashioned or loungey. But he gets +5 for charisma. 7 out of 10.

Andrew Garcia – “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye – He forgets his lyrics in rehearsal, and Miley tells him to lose the guitar. We’ll see how he does — we’re watching him fade away week after week, and I’m not sure an oldie song like this will help. He’s out on stage with three backup singers and Ricky Minor himself on bass. it’s like some weird funk version, and as we learned from Matt Giraud last season, that doesn’t work. During the first verse, it’s like he’s making gang signs and robotically smacking himself in the chest as he sings. Not only is it not a challenging song musically, but for me it’s like he’s more talking the lyrics than singing them, and he’s just not dynamic. We cut away halfway through to see Adam Shankman whispering in Miley’s ear. I was disappointed overall with this performance. The judges agree with me. But he was roughly on-key, so I give him 6 out of 10.

Commercials: You know what? I still don’t know if I actually like Glee or not. The music is usually very good (except I don’t care for Matthew Morrison’s stuff) but most of the characters are unlikeable for me. I do like Jane Lynch, and hope she sings soon; I also like Kurt and love Lea Michele’s voice. Still, I’ll be watching it come April, so I can maybe finally figure out how I feel about it.

Katie Stevens – “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie – Whoa, I don’t think she can handle Fergie. Fergie is perhaps a bit much for little Katie. She sounds terrible in the mentoring rehearsal, so let’s see what happens on the big stage. The song starts out with just a guitar, and it sounds like she’s off tempo. She’s flat in a number of spots, but she could be worse. My big problem is that she has the same voice we’ve heard dozens of times on this show — there’s really nothing unique or original about her sound, and it’s pretty much a bubble-voiced straight up karaoke version of Fergie — it’s pure mediocrity. What do I mean by bubble-voice? It’s that weird back-of-the-throat clogged up sound you can also hear in the Zooey Deschanel cotton commercial. She gets judge props for dressing younger and picking younger songs. 5 out of 10.

Casey James – “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News – Okay, this song choice delights me. But as with “Against All Odds”, if he screws it up there’ll be junk-punching. He promises to use the stage more, and Miley wants him to work on his eye contact. As for using the stage … he starts out five feet away from the microphone stand, and after a couple of chords on the guitar, moves to the stand. Ho hum. He has the horns section up on the balcony tooting away, which is appropriate for Huey Lewis (who I’ve seen in concert several times, thank you very much). He does a fair job with the song, no junk punching necessary, but he does swap “just” and “might” every time for “it might just change your life”, and he also skips the great bridge entirely. Boo. He doesn’t end on a big note, but he ends with some guitar jammin’. The judges don’t care for the song choice, but give him props for the performance. Except for Simon, who calls it an 80s cover band performance. 7 out of 10, with points lost for skipping the bridge.

Part of the Angry Didi gallery.

Didi Benami – “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt – An interesting song choice for this little warbler. Right before she starts singing, Seacrest mispronounces her name and then giggles about it. Didi, as usual, looks angry at the camera (maybe I’ll be able to take an angry picture every week). She starts out a little rough but finds something close to her pitch eventually. But the delivery is, angry looks aside, really bubbly and bouncy. Which doesn’t fit with the song. It’s a really weird choice. The judges generally agree — weird, wrong song, just not right. She gives a little gentle talkback speech about how she just wanted to do something different and have fun. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder – I worried this might be her choice when Seacrest teased that she’d be singing “some Stevie”. It’s a song on the American Idol Experience songlist, for pete’s sake. This girl is an oddball geek; why am I not more into her? For the performance, she is not only rocking a big fake mohawk, but she has TWO keyboard players and all of the horns guys down there on stage with her. She plods around the stage, back and forth. Yes, she has a good voice, and the notes are mostly all there, but she just … ugh. I don’t know what it is. She hits a couple of her now-famous screamer notes which I don’t care for, and overall it’s just boring for me. Maybe it’s that her smile never seems to make it to her eyes. I just don’t get it about her, and it’s frustrating me that I don’t. the judges dig her. For me, 7 out of 10.

The recaps seem to go on FOREVER. But looking at my scores, I’m sticking with Paige for lowest score and my choice for elimination. But a note to our contestants: look at Crystal, and step up your games, all of y’all. Tomorrow: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Joe Jonas. Good lord. I’ll make it through the results in record fast-fowarding time.

It seems like my blog has settled into being mostly about food and TV, so it’s no real surprise that I’d be drawn to the new show, Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. It especially calls to me because Jamie is trying to move the town of Huntington, West Virginia from a diet of processed, sugary crap to whole foods cooked fresh. No matter what your nutritional attitudes, I think we can all agree that “whole foods cooked fresh” is a great and healthy thing. (I’d just add in some extra natural heart-healthy saturated fat, myself.)

The first episode launches right into the troubles Jamie has to face. In an effort to spread the word about his visit, he goes on the air with a local radio DJ (no offense to any DJs out there, but in my career in radio, a majority of them were miserable people) and gets nothing but bad attitude. At the elementary school where Jamie gets to start his experiment, the lunch ladies (who take offense to being called “lunch ladies”, but that’s what I’d call them — one says she prefers to be called “cook”, but … I’ve cooked in a restaurant, and I’d call what she does “reheating and reconstituting” instead of “cooking”) also give him nothing but grief. Poor guy.

Jamie Oliver vs. the Lunch Ladies

Jamie makes beautiful roasted chicken, but the kids prefer pizza. Of course they do, when given the choice. He also makes brown rice, but is forced to add hamburger buns to the tray because rice doesn’t count as one of the government-required “two servings of bread”.

At least Jamie gets to meet with a local pastor who agrees that something needs to be done, and a family who’s ready to throw out the countertop Fry Daddy and learn how to cook real foods. The Edwards family is at least a ray of sunshine in what’s mostly a sad and depressing (but compelling) episode.

At the end, Jamie has to defend himself against a newspaper article that takes most of his comments out of context (what a surprise), and there’s a lovely personal moment where he gets choked up with emotion.

I can’t wait to see how this series plays out. It’s not surprising that he’s meeting with so much resistance right away; not only are people terrified of change, but a lot of people don’t really seem to believe in change. I completely understand; when I was obese, I figured I should just learn to love being fat, because I’d never be able to lose weight. It makes you sad, it makes you angry, and it makes you want to lash out at anyone who tells you that it’s simple or even achievable to make the changes you need. But what he’s done in Britain to make children healthier is amazing, and I only hope that America can get over its fears so it can listen and learn.

Spoiler warning! That is, if you consider my snap judgements and my own scores to be “spoilers.”

Ten seasons, can you believe it? There are lots of changes this year — the stars are in a new glassed-in holding pen (Bergeron calls it the “celebriquarium”), there are new opening graphics, new graphics for the scoring, and a new co-host. And while Brooke Burke is no Samantha Harris, it appears she’s been taking lessons. She’s very much not good.

There won’t be an elimination this week. We get to see all of the dancers dance, then next week we’ll see them all dance in the opposing style. And then one of our fresh new shufflers will head home. So on with the hoofing!

1. Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke (Cha Cha) – He’s a football player, so I’m sure he’ll get credit for having a great personality, and he’ll get much more slack on the actual dancing than anyone else. Plus, while some people seem to find his whole number-name thing charming, I think it’s dippy and dorky. As for the dancing: he seems bland, and his face seems slack through most of the dance. Stiff, awkward, and overall I give him a 5.

2. Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas (Viennese Waltz) – She’s terrified of performing live, and believes she’ll be covered in hives for the dancing. But she wants to do the show for her dad. I have to applaud that, but I can’t really applaud her dancing. She does have potential, but she needs to get over the nerves that are making her stiff and stumbly. I give her a 6.

3. Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Cha Cha) – Her face reminds me of Bachelor Jake’s fiancée. But she has a hot bod. She has potential, but isn’t that great right out of the gate. She does seem to be having fun, which is half the battle right there. I give her a 6.

4. Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower (Viennese Waltz) – For a waltz, their dance seems a bit too fast and frantic. And Jake is kind of like a wooden plank. The use of “Kiss from a Rose” reminded us of “Kung Fu Fighting” for Mark Dacascos. A bit TOO on the nose. I give him a 6.

5. Niecy Nash and Louis Van Amstel (Cha Cha) – She seems obsessed with keeping her “jiggly parts” and representing for the big girls. Hmm, seems to me that Sabrina Bryan did that seasons ago, and was a much better dancer. She shuffles her feet and doesn’t seem to have much grace. It’ll be interesting to see her do a ballroom dance instead of a Latin dance. I give her a 5.

6. Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya (Viennese Waltz) – I think he’ll do well, since he knows how to move to music and can make graceful lines. But we’ll see. He’s the smoothest dancer so far, but his extension needs work — his hands are like limp slabs of meat at the ends of his arms. Still, it’s the best performance so far. I give him a 7.

7. Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa (Cha Cha) – He’s 80. She’s back after 6 seasons of marriage and babymaking (and she’s lost much of her button-cuteness). Oh man, how I hope he does all right. He’s … it’s not good, but I didn’t expect it to really be. I mean, the guy is 80 years old. He’s mostly a frame for Ashly to shimmy around, with a few shuffling steps. Sadly, I have to give him a 4.

8. Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough (Viennese Waltz) – She’s this season’s Mya for me. Someone with too much previous dance experience. She says she’s a singer who’s learned a few small dance moves for the Pussycat Dolls, but I don’t really buy it. I could be catty and say things like “the scarves on her wrists make her arms look like Aerosmith microphone stands,” but really … best performance of the night. Her frame, lines, and movement are all good. Although Len tears her, and Derek’s choreography, new holes. Interesting. Because there’s room for improvement, I give her an 8.

9. Aiden Turner and Edyta Śliwińska (Cha Cha) – He played a character named “Aidan” on All My Children. See what they did, changing one letter? And see what I did, getting the special characters for Edyta’s last name? Anyhoo. From the pre-dance package, I don’t think I’d like this guy. They’re dancing to “Hungry Like the Wolf”, which should make me like this. But he’s a huge plank of wood with a pouty duckface, the version of the song blows goats, and he has a big wolf head embroidered on the back of his shirt. Scott says: “Hungry like the wolf, dancing … like the tree.” Apt. He moved faster than Buzz, so I give him a 5. But he’s at the bottom of my list.

10. Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani (Viennese Waltz) – I want her to be either awesome or terrible. But I suspect she’ll fall somewhere in the gawky-awkward middle. She looks terrified during the dance, but I’ve seen worse. It’s not great, but it’s no Master P or Kenny Mayne. (Hey, is that Jeff Probst sitting next to Marlee Matlin?) Carrie Ann points out the very important fact that almost everyone else who’s done this show has SOME background (acting, athletics, performing) that can help them, but Kate has absolutely nothing here to fall back on. I’m hoping that successfully doing this once will make her relax a little next week. Still, I give her a 5 (but a more supportive 5 than Aiden Turner’s.)

11. Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood (Cha Cha) – Fully made-up, she looks like a drag queen. But when she shows up at the rehearsal studio with her face relatively clean, she looks like Kristin Chenoweth’s older sister. I worry that she’ll be able to shake it, and not much more. Oh no, for the dance, she looks even trashier than usual. And she can’t even shake it! At one point, Damian pushes her away like a hapless man being groped by a frowzy drunk. And for the post-dance interview, she seems drunk as well. Scott thinks it’s a public persona character she plays: 50% Ginger from Gilligan’s Island, 50% Marilyn Monroe on quaaludes. Her dance is a little better than Kate, so I have to give her a 6, but I’m not happy about it.

Next week: a second round of dancing, hopefully fewer nerves all around, and our first elimination. Welcome back, mirror ball trophy. Welcome back, Trumpet Guy and Jewel Head. Welcome back, everyone!

It’s finally time for the top 12! The big show! The big stage! And now for me, it looks eerily like the stage at the American Idol Experience here at Walt Disney World. Odd how your world changes!

We intro the judges, intro Ryan, and then intro the top 12. I’m glad, at least, that as we pan across the group, I know all of their first names. (Even though Siobhan is in disguise with a new hairstyle). Tonight they’ll be performing the music of the Rolling Stones. The Stones are, for me, a band whose talent I can recognize and appreciate, but whose music does NOTHING for me. They’re like U2 in that way. I can see why people like them, but I don’t. So yeah, this won’t be the most fun for me. But it’ll be more tolerable than country night, that’s for sure.

Michael Lynche: “Miss You” – He starts out with a little falsetto, then rolls into some bluesy blues. It’s a nice change-up for the song, and he’s performing the hell out of it. He doesn’t seem intimidated by the huge theater at all, which is nice. Although his dancing is a little bit spastic at times. He’s mostly in tune, and just has a lot of fun with the song. Most of the judges like it, although Simon calls it “a tiny bit desperate.” I give him 7 out of 10.

Didi Benami: “Play with Fire” – She gets the coveted interview stools spot, where we get to find out that her mother gets nervous watching Didi perform. Wow, nice confidence in your burbling kid, ma. As for the song, she’s singing all right, but she’s staring down the barrel of the camera as if we’ve all pissed her off. Best not to glare at America, Didi. Even if you’re getting into the theme of the song. Overall, not too shabby. Her big power note is a little weird, and she maybe almost fumbled but recovered. A good showing for the first big night. 7 out of 10.

Please, Didi, don't hate me!

Casey James: “It’s All Over Now” – In his pre-sing package, we met Casey’s mom — she looked like Didi Conn when Casey was a boy, and looks like Katey Segal now. Casey’s rocking a pretty blue guitar, and sometimes he doesn’t even need to use his left hand (oh, that sounds dirty). He’s hitting the country southern rock sound tonight, and he’s doing all right, but the song itself doesn’t have much range. I wonder if the judges will consider this a “safe” choice. I certainly do. But NO, the judges are all about the Casey love. Well, except for Simon, who wants Casey to push himself beyond standing and playing the guitar; to do something incredible and be a star. To stick with tonight’s theme, 7 out of 10.

Lacey Brown: “Ruby Tuesday” – First off, I’ve given the Ruby Tuesday restaurant chain three chances, and they’ve earned three strikes with me. Both food and service. I’d rather go to the horrible Applebee’s. Now, as for Lacey … it’s not that good. The strings are fun and all, but she sounds incredibly nervous and her notes are all over the place. Sharp and flat. Tonight Didi creamed her in the Grey’s Anatomy-style battle. She sits down at the end, which is so not dynamic. Judge keywords include: interesting, weird, sleepy. Sadly, I’m giving her a 5 out of 10.

Andrew Garcia: “Gimme Shelter” – My favorite part of this song is the instrumental introduction, which we just skip right over for this. Andrew bolts himself down wiht a microphone stand, and doesn’t get to see much of the stage real estate. It sounds all right, although some notes are weird, but it’s just not exciting. He could be anyone up there; there’s nothing really changed or unique. It felt really karaoke for me. The judges are very mixed. 6 out of 10.

Katie Stevens: “Wild Horses” – She gets the stool interview, and Ryan makes the great point that all throughout the semifinals, she was tasked with singing things that were younger and more current, and now she’s saddled with fossil music. She starts her performance perched on a stool in a ghastly short dress, which is awkward. She’s also struggling with the low notes a little bit. I hope whichever judge criticized Didi for making “fire” two syllables gets on Katie’s case for her “wi-yuld” horses. She gets an awesome split-screen thing, with her huge head looming over her tiny self. It’s just OK, not setting my world on fire. Or fi-yure, either. “Better than last week” isn’t a rave review. 6 out of 10.

Ol' split-screen Katie.

Commercials: Because I’m watching this on my computer, I don’t fast-forward like I normally would. I have to click along the player bar bit by bit to advance through the ads. Which means with every click, I get a little bit of commercial. The best three-click combo so far: “driving … TJ Maxx … butter sauce.” Mmm, yeah. I’d drive that, baby.

Tim Urban: “Under My Thumb” – He’s strumming an acoustic guitar, planted firmly behind a microphone stand, and you know he’s not going to use the stage. He’s arranged the song to a reggae beat(?!). I was going to say that it was going all right, but then he hit a couple of real sucky notes. The tempo is plodding and boring. Then it gets even more boring, and then he ends with a whimper instead of a bang. Randy nails it as “bizarre.” The whole thing brings to mind a quote a friend always used to use: “I’m not a loser, I tried! That makes me a failure. 3 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus: “Paint it Black” – She’s from a HUGE family. Are they bigger than the Duggars? WOW. I also love her Gashylcrumb Tinies tattoo. But she’s SO BORING to me. I have to wonder if she’ll still bore me with such a dramatic song. It’s arranged all soft and with strings, and it’s almost like a broken-doll version of the song. There’s something odd about the tempo, and an equally strange key change. Then she comes out and the beat gets hard, and the boredom starts. It was more interesting with the broken-doll sound. Now it’s just nasal karaoke, and she sounds like she’s going to cry. She blasts a scream note, and the whole thing is just a weird freaky mixed bag of stuff. The judges love it, so I guess I just don’t see what other people see. Bleah. 6 out of 10.

Lee DeWyze: “Beast of Burden” – He used to work at a paint store, and in his stool interview, Ryan quizzes him on what color “Snugglepuss” is. He guesses correctly that it’s a purple. Impressive, young Jedi. Also, suddenly the guy in charge of putting the names up on the screen capitalizes the “W” in “DeWyze” for Lee’s parents. It’s always been lowercase before, but it’s felt like it should be capital. Anyhoo, he’s arranged the song to be a mellow, adult-alternative acoustic number. And you know what, it kind of works. As far as raspy guitar guys go, Lee is way tops over Andrew for me right now. Despite being stuck behind a guitar and a microphone stand, he’s still interesting. 8 out of 10.

Paige M1les: “Honky Tonk Woman” – She’s going country rock, with the breaks in her voice and everything. She spends the first part behind a microphone stand, but then gets moving after the first chorus. Speaking of that chorus, she creates all-new notes for the words “honky tonk woman”, and they’re very not good. And when she gets moving, it’s just stalking back and forth without purpose. Oh, apparently she’s been struggling with her voice. I guess then a country angle was the wise move, and that may explain the weird change to the notes of the chorus. The judges applaud her for doing well in the face of laryngitis, but Simon still wants her to make herself unique and interesting. Meh. 6 out of 10.

Aaron Kelly: “Angie” – He starts out sitting on the stairs, with a soft piano in the background. He’s a lot less nervous than I thought he’d be tonight, which is great. I don’t personally care for his tiny boy-band voice, but he’s moving around some and is actually emoting a bit. I picked him for elimination last week, and this week he’s much better. He’s not my thing, but I can see that little girls will love him, and he’s totally safe as houses. 7 out of 10.

Crystal Bowersox: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” – What a shocker, huge favorite mamasox with the headlining spot. But she fills the spot fabulously. The competition is this girl’s to lose. She’s on with every note, she feels it, she lets us know she feels it. The arrangement doesn’t feel hacked up or weird at all. It’s by far and away the best performance of the night. Three judges loved it, but Simon things Siobhan did better. 9 out of 10, with a little wiggle room because I know she’ll do even better in the future.

My lowest score for the night was Tim Urban, but he’s still the favorite over at Vote for the Worst, and I think he’s actually got a fanbase out there. So I’m pegging Lacey for elimination. There were a lot of sixes and sevens for me tonight, and I’d love to see nights with eights and upward from everyone. Fingers crossed for next week.

I’m trying something new — TiVo has desktop software that lets me move the show over to my computer. This makes it much easier to watch and type at the same time. And take screenshots, if necessary.

The show opens with the most weird and awkward introduction of contestants EVER — Seacrest walking down along a line of guys, naming each and then giving each one a moment of meaningful eye contact. What on earth is that all about? Then we get the judge introductions, with some weird semi-flirting whatnot between Simon and Kara, even though Kara mentions Simon’s fiancee. Who is apparently a makeup artist for the show. Moving on!

Lee Dewyze – He’s doing Owl City’s “Fireflies”, acoustic guitar in hand. Okay, here’s my thing about this song. The only place I’ve ever heard it is at the roller rink, but they play it every week. And it’s the wussiest, girliest song ever to be performed by a guy. I kind of hate it, but I kind of don’t mind it. Lee’s a little flat on a few of the notes, but he’s charming (something most of the girls aren’t). And it’s a song that the tween girls LOVE, so he’ll get votes galore. He put a little rough edge on the song, but it’s still lyrically wussrific. The judges are mixed, but applaud his progress.

Alex Lambert – He’s doing “Trouble”, also with a guitar, and the first note is … surprisingly good. The mullet is still awful, but this kid has improved in leaps and bounds! It’s not a terribly dynamic performance, because he still hasn’t developed any showmanship, but his confidence has increased a thousandfold, and it shows in his voice. He’s on key, he’s hitting the notes. Ellen continues her creepy banana analogies, and says, “Don’t become a cocky banana.” The judges also want more performance and emotion, but applaud his growth.

Tim Urban – Sweet mother of pearl, is everyone playing their guitar tonight? He’s doing the Jeff Buckley version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. He’s a bit powerful with his plosives, but this might be the best we’ve heard him sing so far. Of course, it’s also boring and slow and plodding, because Tim took lessons from the girls last night. It’s a fair job, but it’s not moving the way this song is supposed to be. Randy calls it a “pretty good job”. Ellen runs over, gets up on stage, and gives him a huge hug. Kara loved it too — clearly the ladyjudges felt some authenticity that didn’t come across to me. I wonder if Vote for the Worst is still behind him. Will someone else take over the crap crown?

Andrew Garcia – He gets the brief red room interview, acoustic guitar in hand. So we’re four for four. He’s going to do “Genie in a Bottle”, to hopefully regain some of that “Straight Up” magic. The crowd is clapping along from the get-go, since he’s totally a favorite. It’s not quite “Straight Up”, but it’s a pretty good version. Clearly this guy’s niche is taking poppy bimbo songs and making them soft and acoustic. Randy says it was pitchy and there was no range. The rest of the judges aren’t any more positive. Simon nails it, I think, by calling it “a little bit desperate.”

Casey James – “You’ll Think of Me” by Keith Urban. With an acoustic guitar, natch. It’s a slow-paced country song, and he’s keeping himself planted by sitting on a stool. It’s a country song, so I’m biased against it to begin with, but it’s not bad. He seems to be singing in tune with the music, which is a plus. But it’s a little bit boring, which is a minus. Randy calls it a safe choice, and wants something more edgy. Kara the cougar is “kinda back on the Casey train” but she’s missing some spark. Simon calls it his second best.

Aaron Kelly – He’s doing “I’m Already There” by Lonestar, another country song. But for the first time tonight, NO GUITAR! But at least he walks himself out to a stool and plants himself firmly there. Another first tonight — a bad performance. His voice is shaky and weird, and it’s totally whiny and nasal. He gets up from the stool and does this weird spread-footed hip-shaking movement, and it’s cringingly awkward. His voice is very first-few-seasons. Ellen gives him a compliment on his confidence (WHAT) but says the song was too big. Kara says the song was too old and big for him.

Todrick Hall – Ryan announces he’ll be doing Queen, and my hopes soar that it’ll be terrible. Let’s see how he mangles “Somebody to Love”. First off, he’s wearing a jacket made of what looks like potato sack burlap. His first note is bad, but then he finds his falsetto. He stalks, he struts, he goes down on his knees, and he warbles and oversings — it’s like Nick Mitchell (Norman Gentle) is back! Is it my anti-Todrick bias, or did he oversing the crap out of it? Randy loves. Ellen likes. Kara doesn’t know whether to laugh or like. Simon says this finally defines him as a Broadway singer. Ugh, I hope this doesn’t save him.

Michael Lynche – We close the night guitarless with “This Woman’s Work”. He’s looking dapper in a jacket and tie. Now this is how you start a song with falsetto (take notes, Todrick). It’s a slow song, but he knows how to connect with the crowd and with the cameras. It’s totally not my type of music, but he performs it very well. Definitely the best performance of the night. Randy babbles a lot of hipster lingo praise. Ellen loves all over it. Kara actually cries, thereby cementing her place as Paula’s replacement (and curse her, she appears to be one of those pretty criers). Simon gives Kara awkward hugsies, then calls the song the best performance of the semifinals.

I gotta say, screencaps are much better than taking a picture of my TV.

As opposed to the girls, this is going to be a really tough decision. Because most of the guys were, if not good, at least adequate. I think of the two really young boys, Alex has improved so much and Aaron hasn’t, that I’m going to pick Aaron for elimination. Then, because of my personal name-based bias, I’m going to cross my fingers and hope for the overshowy Todrick to get the other axe.

The show is only an hour, which I love. Hopefully this means we’ll buzz through the show and have very little filler.

Although … nope, I was wrong. Because we have to see a horrible lingering shot of Ellen sitting on Simon’s lap, nuzzling the side of his head. This is gross in so many ways. Then we find out … the stakes are high! This is the girls’ last chance to impress! After this, it’s the big show!

Katie Stevens – We cut awkwardly and quickly to Katie, without an intro video package. She’s singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway”, and boy oh boy is she terrible. She sounds flat, and it’s all too low, and it sounds like she’s a half-beat off throughout the entire song. Like she’s clapping on the 1 and 3 when it should be the 2 and 4. Her final note stinks, and overall it was a ghastly performance. The judges both dislike her singing of the song and the fact that she’s too young to really be able to authentically emote. Plus, it’s always bugged me that the song’s title is “Breakaway” when it’s about breaking away. Shouldn’t it be “Break Away”? Meh. Oh, plus, Katie was eight years old when Kelly Clarkson won. WOW.

Siobhan Magnus – She gets to have a little pre-sing interview up in the red room, and she’s just as slow-spoken as usual. She’s doing “House of the Rising Sun” for her dad. It starts out without much musical backing, and it’s not good. She’s all over the place with her notes. Finally a guitar chimes in, and she’s able to find where she is. Stylistically, her lip gloss is too glossy and her soccer-mom hair continues to perplex me. The song plods slowly along, and is pretty darned boring. But she hits a good strong note in there, which is more than Katie did. Randy loves the risks she takes (Really, boring us is risky?), Ellen was moved, Kara loves her. At least Simon didn’t get it and calls her plodding and boring. I guess I just don’t understand what’s so great about this girl, because she’s as exciting as cottage cheese for me.

Lacey Brown – She’s singing a song called “The Story” from someone named Brandi Carlile. I had to look that one up, because I initially spelled both Brandy and Carlysle wrong. Most of the first half of the song is way too low, which is always ALWAYS a problem with the AI girls. It also fits in beautifully with this week’s theme, which is obviously “Boring and Plodding”. UGH! She sounds all right, I guess, but it’s nothing special. The judges, however, throw verbal roses at her. They can’t get enough of her particular style of boring!

Katelyn Epperly – Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move”, really? And she’s playing the keyboards! On the “cheesemaster organ” setting! While standing up! But they have the keyboard so low and the microphone so high, I feel like I’m stretching in sympathy just watching her. At least it’s a more upbeat song than what we’ve seen so far. She hits a couple of REALLY sour notes, but for the most part the rest of them are in the ballpark. And to be truly honest, just like with Matt Giraud, I can’t stop looking at the mysterious bump on her forehead. The judges don’t have much good to say about her performance, and accuse her performance of being safe, simple, and bland.

Didi Benami – She’s tackling some Fleetwood Mac. Her performance of “Rhiannon” is, actually, my favorite performance of hers so far in the semifinals. Sure it’s slow. But the notes are all there, she makes a few interesting changes, but not too many. She has the same weird voice (the kind I always compare to the background music on Grey’s Anatomy) as Lacey, but she has a lot more accuracy tonight. It’s the best thing so far tonight, although the show is backloaded with the two big stars at the end. The judges are unanimously positive.

Paige Miles – “Smile”, written by Charlie Chaplin. Wow — by content alone, it’s roughly equivalent to singing “I’m Going Home” or “See You Later Alligator”. She might as well sing a song called “Vote Me Out, America”. The key is wrong, it’s all too low, her voice is quavering as if she’s more nervous than ever before. There are some magnificently bad notes, it’s boring, and she ends with a limping whimper instead of a bang. This song will be perfect on Thursday, when she’s eliminated and she’s crying her face off. I haven’t checked over there yet, but I’ll wager that this week, this song put Paige on the top of the Vote for the Worst list.

Crystal Bowersox – She has the electric guitar, and she’s going to rock our sox with Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Even in the soft first verse, the audience is clapping along. Compared to the six performances that came before, this one is in a class all its own. Well-sung, well-arranged, well-paced. She’s out there miles beyond the rest. Of course the judges all love on her, and call it the best performance of the night. Simon even tells her the competition is hers to lose.

Lilly Scott – Seacrest teases before the break that she’s doing Patsy Cline. I hope it’s not “Crazy”. Oh, good, it’s “I Fall to Pieces”. She has her own instrument — an adorable electric mandolin. Either way, if it hadn’t been for Crystal, she’d be the top performer tonight. Her quirky weird Grey’s voice actually fits well with the breaky-voice country sound. The judges like it — it’s not the glowing praise that Crystal got, but she’s still totally safe. Simon’s main complaint was that she drew the headlining slot and did something quirky instead of massively WOW.

Well then. Thank goodness it was only an hour, because it was SO DAMNED BORING. My bottom three are Katie, Katelyn, and Paige. I just checked, and the VftW gang are indeed backing Paige. But she was so terrible, I’m going to list her for elimination anyway, just because I really want her to have to sing that vote-me-off song after being voted off. So Paige and Katie for the loss this week.

It’s a marathon morning; I just finished watching the boys’ performances, and now it’s on to girltown. It’s also laundry day here at the House of Meyer — the whites are in the wash, the colors are in the dryer, so let’s get into some singing!

Crystal Bowersox – Fresh out of the hospital, mamasox has the lead-off spot. She performs with a packet full of trinkets in her pocket, and has a twin brother. She’s singing some CCR this week. It seems apt to give a gospel twist to a song called “Long as I Can See the Light”. It was well-sung, and she’s very authentic, but it just wasn’t terribly exciting. I wouldn’t call it boring necessarily, but it didn’t thrill me. The judges (including Ellen wearing a jaunty ascot tonight) are all madly in love with her. Kara says she improved over last week’s “You Oughta Know”, which is so odd, since last week she sang “Hand in My Pocket”. But all Alanis songs are interchangeable, I guess. By the way, it appears that she was hospitalized for a complication with her diabetes, which isn’t surprising what with all the stress these kids must be under. Even if she didn’t sing well, she’d be totally safe.

Haeley Vaughn – I typed both her first and last names wrong initially (because Hayley Vaughan makes more sense). Did you know she makes most of her flower headbands herself? And admits she has no confidence in herself? And did you know that when she smiles, something about her teeth makes me feel like she’s going to bite me in the throat? Also, she’s the female pick for Vote for the Worst, so I fully expect some awfulness again this week. She’s singing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus (I thought she said “The Klein”). Long story short, the song sucks, and her performance of it sucks more. Pitchy, twangy, bad karaoke. Judges agree.

Lacey Brown – I really want to like this girl. She’s the quirky short-haired redhead! Last year she lost out a semifinal spot to that horrendous Megan Joy Corkery. Tonight she’s singing Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me”, and it has its problems. She actually has a little bit of the same goat-bleat quaver in her voice that Megan Joy had, and while Lacey has more control over her voice than Megan Joy did, she’s still all over the place. She’s hitting sharp notes and flat notes, and notes you never knew existed. Randy calls it “karaoke”, but what really intrigues me is that he has a heart with eyes on it on his sweater. What the hell is that? The rest of the judges are mostly in my corner.

Katie Stevens – Last week, the judges criticized her for singing “Feeling Good”, saying it was too old for her. So this week she’s tackling Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On”. Which is one of my favorite songs to play in Band Hero. I don’t think I’d call it a younger song per se, mainly because CBR has such a rich, mature voice. Katie does all right with the song, but it needs to be moved up into a different key; the low notes are lost, as is so often the case on this show. But it’s better than last week. Ellen agrees with me that she’s still not singing young enough stuff. The rest of the judges agree. They may seem harsh, but it’s all valid, valid, valid.

Didi Benami – Is it just me, or does this girl look a LOT like Brooke White from season 7? I liked Brooke, restarts and all. Plus, she meows songs. Just like I do! Last week, she sounded very Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack. This week, she’s singing the classic “Lean on Me”. She mixes up the notes in the verse, so it’s not identifiable as the original. Then she goes back to the regular melody for the chorus, and it’s not as good, because you know what notes she’s supposed to be hitting. I worry about the voters this week, but I really do hope she stays around; she could be very, very good.

Michelle Delamor – She’s tackling Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open”, which is a … fascinating choice. As she sings, let’s analyze her outfit. Half-gloves that only cover the fingers, although they don’t appear to cover all the base knuckles. Over one of those, a giant tacky cocktail ring. Black jean leggings underneath a white juniors’ bubble-skirt strapless dress underneath a cropped black jacket. And stilletto boots. Is the singing over yet? Because it’s just as godawful as her outfit. Her pitch is all over the place, she can’t quite make the high notes, and the final two notes are more pitiful than powerful. She says she felt good afterward, but the grimace on her face belies that statement. The judges are mixed.

Lilly Scott – She plays a lot of instruments, including the melodica and “the Moog”. She’ll be playing the 12-string guitar for “A Change is Gonna Come” this week. She’s also supposed to work on opening her eyes more and looking at the camera. Well, she pretty much fails at the eye stuff, but I think her reworking of this classic song is pretty entertaining. she changed it up, she made it her own, and even though the song’s from 1964, it didn’t feel old. If she can keep improving, and not become one of those finalists who start strong then slowly creep backward, she has top 4 written all over her.

Katelyn Epperly – For her pre-sing interview, she’s wearing a Madonna-in-1984 outfit, as if she’s going to burst out singing “Lucky Star”. Last week, Kara criticized her makeover, and this week … she’s just as glammed up. But Kara’s right; Katelyn looks much better looking natural. Not with this white satin and gold lamé, ginormous earrings, and glam squad makeup. She’s the first contestant so far in the semifinals to play the piano, singing Coldplay’s “The Scientist”. And it’s surprisingly good. Sure, a couple of bum notes here and there, but for a ballad, it was quite compelling. It didn’t bore me. The judges think it was too slow, but we’ve had speedier ballads that were so much worse.

Paige Miles – In her spare time, she colors coloring books. I tapped her to be eliminated last week for a horrible song choice. This week she’s doing Kelly Clarkson’s “Just Walk Away”. She changes the notes all around in the verse; that is to say, she takes away most of the challenge, and just sings a few of the same notes over and over again. We get a shot over her shoulder of the judges, and Simon’s digging around on the floor for something. She follows the real melody for the chorus, and has to go up into a whisper for the high notes. She has the type of voice that we always hear on Idol, fair to decent but without any real passion; just warbling pop. She’s not connecting to the lyrics AT ALL. She’s cracking her voice constantly throughout the shouty bridge, and she ends the song with a whimper instead of a bang. She would have fit in three or four seasons ago, but this isn’t where AI has moved along to recently. The judges are mixed; some like it, some hate the song choice.

Siobhan Magnus – Maybe it’s because she’s a mellow, slow-talking girl … but I find her personality-free. She had a mohawk a while back! And no, that doesn’t suit her at all. She’s just boring. This week she’s singing “Think”. And I have every common complaint — she’s not connecting with the song, she’s not putting enough passion behind it. She’s hitting most of the right notes (except for a couple of the higher ones), but until the very end, there just wasn’t any strength behind them. It got better at the end, but it felt karaoke to me, and again, it felt way too old for her. I guess I’m on a different page from the judges, because they all seem to love it.

It’s harder to pick the bottom two from the girls. Crystal and Lilly are totally safe in the top. Then there’s a glut of okay girls. From the recaps, and looking back, I’m thinking Lacey and Michelle for being off-key and uninteresting. Although Katie might be down there too. I’ll give Haeley another week because she has the power of badness behind her.

This week, the boys are performing on Tuesday because Crystal Bowersox is in the hospital. One has to wonder, would they have swapped everyone for just anyone? Or only for a clear front-runner? At any rate, we can only hope that all of our contestants have shed their first-night nerves and can get a little more bold and confident. And we can also hope that they all sing better.

Last week, Ellen wore a white button-up shirt with a loosely tied blue gingham necktie, which was adorable. Tonight it’s a khaki shirt and a white necktie, and she looks more like some 1940s explorer. Which is also kind of cool. She makes me want to go out and buy some ties.

Michael Lynche – In his pre-sing package, we see him weightlifting one of the tiny boy contestants, which is awesome. He’s singing James Brown’s “This Is a Man’s World”. Not exactly a song I think of as a real singer’s song. And the arrangement has some weird stops and starts. His energy is great, but the song, not so much. He’s still totally safe, and he’s headed straight for the top 12. The judges all love him.

John Park – He’s been blah and boring so far, and we didn’t get to know him very much during the audition rounds. He’s doing “Gravity” by John Mayer, and he’s battling being boring by sitting on a stool. YAWN. It’s a plodding song, and it sounds like it needs to be more bluesy than what he’s giving us. The judges like it better than last week, but still call him safe. And boring. And forgettable.

Casey James – He hasn’t had a TV since around age 7. So he’s a pop culture vacuum. He’s doing Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”, which we’ve only heard a thousand or so times on American Idol. He has a pretty blue electric guitar, and he opens with some gentle shredding while we look at him with the down-low crotch cam. His voice is … okay? He’s hitting some of the notes right, but there’s a real shaky quality to his voice; not a full goat-bleat, but more like a nervous quaver. At the end, he shreds some more. Dude, this isn’t Guitar Idol. And get a haircut. The judges are split between yay and meh.

Alex Lambert – OH GOD THE MULLET MAKE IT STOP. He’s one of those stagefright guys who barfs before shows. This week he’s sitting on a stool, hiding behind his guitar while doing John Legend’s “Everybody Knows”. Man, I’d love this to be Leonard Cohen’s “Everybody Knows”. I’ll give the kid this much — he’s WAY better than last week. And he has a really nice tone to his voice. Good for him, that’s the kind of improvement we like to see. Now get a haircut. Of course, the judges are delighted with his improvement. Ellen puts it best with her banana-in-a-paper-bag analogy.

Todrick Hall – The lovely folks at Vote for the Worst have compiled a nice story about the Todrick scandal, and how he allegedly ripped off hundreds of parents and kids for a show he produced. Me, I just hate him because of his name. This week he’s singing Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do with It” while wearing a shiny, shiny jacket. He’s all about the runs and the fancy notes. I find his arrangement to be cheeseball lounge-singer stuff. The judges, for the most part, agree with me.

Jermaine Sellers – He starts his pre-sing package by saying, “It ain’t the clothes that make the person, it’s the person that makes the clothes.” So he sleeps in a onesie, and this week for the performance he’ll be wearing a bow tie and cardigan. Ghastly. He was “too old” last week, so he’s going to young it up this week with … Marvin Gaye. Oh, and his HAIR! It’s like the fauxhawk equivalent of a smurf’s hat. Dude, this is JUST as old-lady-request at the hotel cocktail lounge as last week. The low notes are off-key, and the high notes are super-shouty. The judges agree, and then he gets all backtalky in a weird religious way. He knows god, y’all.

Andrew Garcia – He’ll be doing James Morrison’s “You Give Me Something”. Not a song with which I’m familiar. He’s perched on a stool without his guitar, and he’s kind of boring out of the gate. I miss the Andrew of “Straight Up” in Hollywood. I still think he’s destined for the top 12, but this performance isn’t doing him any favors. Blah song, performed in a blah manner. The judges also all want the Andrew of “Straight Up” to come back. Stop with the mundane, Mr. Garcia!

Aaron Kelly – He claims he’ll have more confidence this week. But he’s going to sing “My Girl”, which seems like a corny old-timey choice than can only end in tears. He starts out without the band, which is a really weird choice. Then he’s all about the runs and showy notes, and he still has that nervous shaky sound in his voice. Especially his falsetto note, ugh. The judges all feel it’s an improvement over last week, but there’s some questions about song choice. IMHO, he may be better, but that doesn’t necessarily make him good.

Tim Urban – GET A HAIRCUT. He’s the male choice by the snarkers over at Vote for the Worst. And he came back after being eliminated, for good reason. He’s singing Matt Nathanson’s “Come on Get Higher” — never heard of it. He has a guitar this week, but it doesn’t keep him from sucking. His pitch is all over the place, his last note is just terrible. But the background singers are lovely. The judges mostly agree, although Simon gives him some cred for improving over the trainwreck that was last week. The forces of evil at VftW are behind him, so I think he’ll be in for at least another week.

Lee Dewyze – He was one of the top guys last week, and we didn’t really see much of him in Hollywood week. He’s singing “Lips of an Angel” from a band called Hinder. Both band and song names are unfamiliar to me. No guitar this week, and he’s carrying around the microphone stuck in a mike stand. Overall it’s all right, but it’s not a showstopper. He’s hitting some dud notes in there, but it’s mostly on-key. The song itself is vaguely familiar-sounding, but also it sounds like a hundred other late-’90s schlocky poprock songs.

Overall, it wasn’t an exciting night of music. A few guys are totally safe — Big Mike, Andrew, and Lee are totally headed for the top. Then there’s a cluster of harmless, okay-sounding guys in the middle of the pack: Casey, Aaron, Alex. The bottom of the pile is Tim, Jermaine, Todrick, and John. This week, I’d send home John for being the most boring, and Jermaine for not improving and, honestly, being a creepy zealot. Although it would also make my heart smile to see Todrick get the boot.

Phony Pony Chunky Monkey

I’d never had Chunky Monkey ice cream, but Scott wanted to try making a low-carb version. So we got some banana flavoring, I soaked and toasted some pecans (apparently the original has walnuts, but me no likey), and I made some of the coconut oil chocolate to break up into chunks.

Since I’ve found the pasteurized in-shell eggs, our ice cream has raw yolks. Here’s what I used:

1 cup heavy cream
2 cups half-and-half
3 egg yolks (pasteurized)
1/2 cup Splenda
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 tsp banana flavor
6 drops yellow food coloring

Whisk the Splenda and the egg yolks until smooth. Add the cream a little at a time to thin it out, whisking as you go. Then you can dump in the rest of the ice cream ingredients, whisk it all together, then throw it in the ice cream machine for a half-hour. I added in some yellow food coloring just for the hell of it — you can totally leave that out.

After it was done, we took it out of the machine and mixed in a half-cup or so of chopped pecans and a half-cup or so of chunks of chocolate. Into the freezer it went!

I have to say, I really like this flavor combination. But Scott is the all-knowing person as far as how it should taste. He says the chocolate chunks should be larger, there should be more chunks of stuff overall, and it should be more banana-y. So next time, we’ll do more nuts, more and larger chocolate, and another teaspoon of banana. But for a first try, I’m making a note here: moderate success!