It’s top 9 week again, since Mike was saved last week. That means two contestants will be going home tomorrow. And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but tonight is the music of Elvis, mentored by Adam Lambert. So I’m expecting nine distinct and wonderful trainwrecks. Oh, and Glee is on at 9:28 (8:28 central) tonight. Now that’s a “special time.” Anyhoo, I’m going to log my predictions now: “Suspicious Minds”, “A Little Less Conversation”, Big Mike doing “In the Ghetto”, and just for the horror spectacle, I’ll peg Tim for “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”.

I’m watching this on actual Tuesday night, instead of on Wednesday, which also means I don’t have my usual cushion of time. I may actually have to watch the judges’ commentaries. Ugh. As the judges take their seats, Seacrest awkwardly sideways-fives some girls in the front row. Then he talks about last week’s “reshults” show. Drunk much, Seacrest? Then we get a package about Elvis, and the top 9 visiting Las Vegas and the Cirque show. Then we get some Adam Lambert push, because he’s apparently not doing too well on the charts.

Back in the theater, Adam Lambert has a front-row seat. Right next to the cast of Glee (and don’t forget, everyone, it’s on at 9:28). I’m just watching Jane Lynch over Seacrest’s shoulder as Seacrest and Lambert make with the blah-blah-blah. OH, Jane, nice yawn. Things get weird and awkward as they discuss tongues, and then we find out that Tim’s going to do “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. Curses!

Crystal Bowersox – “Saved” – Interesting, putting mamasox in the opening spot. She’s going bluesy and gospelicious, and she’s playing a gorgeously sparkly electric guitar instead of the acoustic. It’s amazing how she can be so dynamic while locked down behind a guitar and a microphone stand, while other free-range contestants can be so boring. Not my style of music, but she turns in another great performance. 8 out of 10.

Andrew Garcia – “Hound Dog” – He gets to do the Coke-stool interview, but it’s all about watching Mike perform for his life last week. Blah blah blah as a father blah blah. At first, Andrew bored Lambert. Let’s see if he punched it up enough. Um … well, at least his classic old-school microphone is interesting. The arrangement is a plodding, horns-heavy, cheeseball mess. He strolls around with the microphone stand in hand, and it’s just disjointed and weird and corny and nothing exciting. Randy calls it “not-good karaoke”. 5 out of 10.

Tim Urban – “Can’t Help Falling in Love” – Lambert encourages Tim to end the song in falsetto. For the performance, Tim is parked on a stool on the tinystage behind the judges. His guitar playing is decent, but my goodness is his singing off tonight. He has a bit of the nervous quaver, and he’s flat all over the place. During a crane shot, we see Seacrest dancing with some beefy bear guy in the aisle (keep drinking, Seacrest), and for a brief moment during the director’s fetish for overlays, we get to see three Tims on one screen. And of course, Tim the contrarian doesn’t take Lambert’s advice, and stays down in his lower register for the “big” (not so big) ending. Boring, plodding, ho-hum to the extreme. Not good, Teflon. The judges, who are on another planet, praise the performance in a desperate attempt to take credit for Tim staying in the competition. 4 out of 10. 866-IDOLS-03, everyone.

Three Tims & Dancing Seacrest

Lee DeWyze – “A Little Less Conversation” – CHECK. Continuing the theme of being in weird places, Lee is on the little sub-stage in front of the judges. He’s been encouraged to show a little more life and personality, and I think he’s taking it a little too far, to the detriment of the singing. Besides, his new “personality” consists of turing his head side-to-side and half-smiling as he sings. I’m calling this musically a safe choice, with an expected arrangement, but overall a decent (not amazing) peformance. 7 out of 10.

Aaron Kelly – “Blue Suede Shoes” – To paraphrase the mentoring in my own colorful style, Lambert encourages little Aaron to punch the song in the nuts. But can he? He has such tiny, soft fists. The arrangement is nothing special, and you can see that the kid is nervous, but he’s fairly entertaining as he wanders all around the stage. It almost feels like boy-band doing classic rock. Or like a kitten wearing leather pants. It’s an odd combination. I don’t think he necessarily nutpunches the song, but he does a fair to middling job with it. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “Suspicious Minds” – CHECK. She’s a huge Elvis fan, and she’s wearing a bouffant fauxhawk and her outfit is a mix between dominatrix and homage to the fat Elvis jumpsuit. My expectations are low, because I like this song and I don’t like Siobhan. She starts out singing with her back to the audience, straight into a close-up camera, and MY GOD SHE WANTS TO EAT MY FACE WITH HER VAMPIRE TEETH. The girl is in serious crazy-eyes mode tonight. The arrangement is absolutely karaoke, and she’s singing in a cheesy lounge singer voice which probably sounds great to some people, but is completely inappropriate for the song. Then she does her shrieking thing that I hate, and finally it’s over. 5 out of 10.

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE

At this point, there’s a commercial break with the KFC Double Down sandwich (been there, done that), Glee (on at 9:28, 8:28 central) and then Seacrest tells us about Idol Gives Back and makes a semi-scathing Brian Dunkleman joke. Oh, SNAP.

Michael Lynche – “In the Ghetto” – CHECKITY CHECK SLAM DUNK FOR ME. Sappy and morose is this guy’s bread and butter. Once again he’s sitting down with acoustic guitar in hand. The content of the song is a huge downer, and his arrangement doesn’t make it any better. It’s slow and gutting and makes me want to slit my wrists. The judges all love the hell out of it, and since he got the save last week, he’s totes safe. 5 out of 10 from me.

Katie Stevens – “Baby, What Do You Want Me to Do” – One of the blogs I read calls her Smug Teen Witch, which tickles me plenty. It’s perfect. She’s trying so hard to be bluesy, what with the horns section on stage and her oh-no-you-di’int head waggle. And this kid would have been amazing seven seasons ago. Her voice and performance style would have fit in much better then; but Idol has migrated past her style. Kara refers to her head waggle as “neckitude”. Simon thought it was loud and annoying. 5 out of 10.

Casey James – “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” – I thought long and hard during the commercial break, and couldn’t remember who was left to perform. Clearly Casey sticks with me. Seacrest pronounces the song “Loudy Miss Cloudy”, which is fairly hilarious. Keep drinking, Seacrest. For the performance, Casey’s stuck on this tiny round stage in the middle of the mosh section. Katie needs to take blues lessons from this kid. He plays some good guitar, and sings his song pretty well. He’s a little bleaty goaty at times, but overall it’s decent. 6 out of 10.

My bottom score is for Tim, who only earned 4 points from me. But he’s totally safe. Bunched up with a 5-score are: Andrew, Siobhan, Michael, and Katie. Since Michael is probably pity-safe after the judges’ save, and Siobhan has an army of zombies behind her, I’m going to go with Andrew and Katie for elimination. Now it’s 9:28 (8:28 central) and time for Glee, where 23-year-olds go to high school and it’s perfectly fine for students to assault each other with frozen drinks if they’re in different cliques.

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