Spoiler warning! That is, if you consider my snap judgements and my own scores to be “spoilers.”

Ten seasons, can you believe it? There are lots of changes this year — the stars are in a new glassed-in holding pen (Bergeron calls it the “celebriquarium”), there are new opening graphics, new graphics for the scoring, and a new co-host. And while Brooke Burke is no Samantha Harris, it appears she’s been taking lessons. She’s very much not good.

There won’t be an elimination this week. We get to see all of the dancers dance, then next week we’ll see them all dance in the opposing style. And then one of our fresh new shufflers will head home. So on with the hoofing!

1. Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke (Cha Cha) – He’s a football player, so I’m sure he’ll get credit for having a great personality, and he’ll get much more slack on the actual dancing than anyone else. Plus, while some people seem to find his whole number-name thing charming, I think it’s dippy and dorky. As for the dancing: he seems bland, and his face seems slack through most of the dance. Stiff, awkward, and overall I give him a 5.

2. Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas (Viennese Waltz) – She’s terrified of performing live, and believes she’ll be covered in hives for the dancing. But she wants to do the show for her dad. I have to applaud that, but I can’t really applaud her dancing. She does have potential, but she needs to get over the nerves that are making her stiff and stumbly. I give her a 6.

3. Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Cha Cha) – Her face reminds me of Bachelor Jake’s fiancée. But she has a hot bod. She has potential, but isn’t that great right out of the gate. She does seem to be having fun, which is half the battle right there. I give her a 6.

4. Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower (Viennese Waltz) – For a waltz, their dance seems a bit too fast and frantic. And Jake is kind of like a wooden plank. The use of “Kiss from a Rose” reminded us of “Kung Fu Fighting” for Mark Dacascos. A bit TOO on the nose. I give him a 6.

5. Niecy Nash and Louis Van Amstel (Cha Cha) – She seems obsessed with keeping her “jiggly parts” and representing for the big girls. Hmm, seems to me that Sabrina Bryan did that seasons ago, and was a much better dancer. She shuffles her feet and doesn’t seem to have much grace. It’ll be interesting to see her do a ballroom dance instead of a Latin dance. I give her a 5.

6. Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya (Viennese Waltz) – I think he’ll do well, since he knows how to move to music and can make graceful lines. But we’ll see. He’s the smoothest dancer so far, but his extension needs work — his hands are like limp slabs of meat at the ends of his arms. Still, it’s the best performance so far. I give him a 7.

7. Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa (Cha Cha) – He’s 80. She’s back after 6 seasons of marriage and babymaking (and she’s lost much of her button-cuteness). Oh man, how I hope he does all right. He’s … it’s not good, but I didn’t expect it to really be. I mean, the guy is 80 years old. He’s mostly a frame for Ashly to shimmy around, with a few shuffling steps. Sadly, I have to give him a 4.

8. Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough (Viennese Waltz) – She’s this season’s Mya for me. Someone with too much previous dance experience. She says she’s a singer who’s learned a few small dance moves for the Pussycat Dolls, but I don’t really buy it. I could be catty and say things like “the scarves on her wrists make her arms look like Aerosmith microphone stands,” but really … best performance of the night. Her frame, lines, and movement are all good. Although Len tears her, and Derek’s choreography, new holes. Interesting. Because there’s room for improvement, I give her an 8.

9. Aiden Turner and Edyta Śliwińska (Cha Cha) – He played a character named “Aidan” on All My Children. See what they did, changing one letter? And see what I did, getting the special characters for Edyta’s last name? Anyhoo. From the pre-dance package, I don’t think I’d like this guy. They’re dancing to “Hungry Like the Wolf”, which should make me like this. But he’s a huge plank of wood with a pouty duckface, the version of the song blows goats, and he has a big wolf head embroidered on the back of his shirt. Scott says: “Hungry like the wolf, dancing … like the tree.” Apt. He moved faster than Buzz, so I give him a 5. But he’s at the bottom of my list.

10. Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani (Viennese Waltz) – I want her to be either awesome or terrible. But I suspect she’ll fall somewhere in the gawky-awkward middle. She looks terrified during the dance, but I’ve seen worse. It’s not great, but it’s no Master P or Kenny Mayne. (Hey, is that Jeff Probst sitting next to Marlee Matlin?) Carrie Ann points out the very important fact that almost everyone else who’s done this show has SOME background (acting, athletics, performing) that can help them, but Kate has absolutely nothing here to fall back on. I’m hoping that successfully doing this once will make her relax a little next week. Still, I give her a 5 (but a more supportive 5 than Aiden Turner’s.)

11. Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood (Cha Cha) – Fully made-up, she looks like a drag queen. But when she shows up at the rehearsal studio with her face relatively clean, she looks like Kristin Chenoweth’s older sister. I worry that she’ll be able to shake it, and not much more. Oh no, for the dance, she looks even trashier than usual. And she can’t even shake it! At one point, Damian pushes her away like a hapless man being groped by a frowzy drunk. And for the post-dance interview, she seems drunk as well. Scott thinks it’s a public persona character she plays: 50% Ginger from Gilligan’s Island, 50% Marilyn Monroe on quaaludes. Her dance is a little better than Kate, so I have to give her a 6, but I’m not happy about it.

Next week: a second round of dancing, hopefully fewer nerves all around, and our first elimination. Welcome back, mirror ball trophy. Welcome back, Trumpet Guy and Jewel Head. Welcome back, everyone!

This entry was posted on Monday, March 22nd, 2010 at 10:13 pm and is filed under Dancing with the Stars, TV. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.