I had a very busy day today, so I’m buzzing through AI as fast as I can. Can I sum up everyone in one line? Let’s see.

(Also, I heard today that Stefano was just arrested for DUI. Will he mysteriously also get the lowest number of votes this week?)

1. Naima Adedapo: The flailing is fun, but the singing is meh.

Fashion don’t: she stole these booties from Frankenstein’s monster. Ghastly.

2. Paul McDonald: Drunk? Stoned on cold meds? Future Rod Stewart impersonator.

3. Thia Megia: NOT ANOTHER BALLAD! Also, born in 1995? Wow, I feel old.

4. James Durbin: I hate Bon Jovi. But at least JBJ is on-key. Flatsville.

Fashion don’t: no boys should ever wear these hipster skinny jeans. They always look a size too small, like the guy can’t hitch them up far enough. They sit too low, and yet still give boys a saggy bum.

5. Haley Reinhart: Either this song choice or the singing style is a joke, right?

Fashion don’t: They didn’t powder her lipstick or Vaseline her teeth enough. Poor kid. Be sure to blot if you’re going to wear bright lipstick, everyone. (Also, the leggings with tucked-in shirt.)

6. Stefano Langone: Karaoke. Boring. Karaoring? Boraoke?

7. Pia Toscano: Making an ’80s song your own = adding synths?

Fashion don’t: this jumpsuit. Doubly so if you’re a squatty-dancer with bad posture.

8. Scotty McCreery: His mouth-twisting makes sense now. He grew up impersonating Elvis.

9. Karen Rodriguez: A soft and spongy performance compared to the original.

Fashion don’t: Fembot meets Vulcan air hostess. Meets Dr. Girlfriend. Meets hooker. Peekaboo!

10. Casey Abrams: He looked like a serial killer, and I giggled throughout.

11. Lauren Alaina: Her parents looks SO YOUNG. Decent despite the flu.

Fashion don’t: Worse than Lauren’s clydesdale boots with stomping? Steven Tyler’s necklace with a sad-eyed Keane girl. Creeeeeepy.

12. Jacob Lusk: Looks like he’s about to cry all the time. The Duke of Flamboyantshire.

Bottom three: Pia, Karen, Stefano. Going home: Stefano.

I like how, in the intros, Seacrest gets bigger cheers than any of the judges. This week’s theme isn’t really a theme — the kids are singing a song from their own personal idol. It’s just the kind of thing I hoped for, so my fingers are crossed that the contestants will make good choices. This week, the kids also get a chance to work with Jimmy Iovine.

1. Lauren Alaina – “Any Man of Mine” – Shania Twain, what a shocker. I’ve never heard this song before, but it’s everything I’d expect of a country song. Lauren’s makeup is actually conservative this week, but her hair and outfit are both very real southern housewife. Except I also like the flats — age appropriate. The song is forgettable country, but there is one point where it’s just the backup singers singing, and they’re so much better. The theme of the song seems very empowered-country-woman, and this teenager just doesn’t have the life experience to put the punch behind it.

2. Casey Abrams – “A Little Help from My Friends” (the Joe Cocker version) – With a 10-piece chorus backing him, I can tell that this guy is going to make some fascinating arrangement choices this season. Here’s hoping he tops my favorite so far … bagpipes. He has fun with the song, gets some gravelly sound in there, get a little shouty at times, but overall it’s an entertaining performance. He knows how to charm a crowd, in a very Taylor Hicks kind of way.

3. Ashthon Jones – “When You Tell Me That You Love Me” – The judges told her Diana Ross, so she’s doing Diana Ross. She looks great, but her opening notes are really shaky and flat. It gets better, but it still doesn’t rock my world. She just seems nervous throughout. Meh. But during the critiques, I noticed that Randy has added to his style. It’s not just a necklace and bracelets made of seed beads like he’s a 10-year-old girl; now he’s also wearing a cardigan with holes in it. Is this fashion?!

4. Paul McDonald – “Come Pick Me Up” – I’ve heard some Ryan Adams, but I’m much more familiar with Bryan Adams. Anyhoo, it’d be awesome to work with Don Was. Koo-koo Paul starts his song by asking the crowd the eternal question, “Y’all doin’ all right this evening, y’all?” Nobody answers it. He starts singing, and the first line is terrible. It’s pitched way too low, so he’s just whispering weakly in his Rod Stewart voice, while he flops and staggers in his unique dancing way. I guess the singing gets a little better? But it’s still really weak — there’s just no power there. Stephen Tyler praises him, then is barely done talking before he pops a candy/lozenge into his mouth. Classy.

5. Pia Toscano – “All By Myself” – Ah, finally some Celene Dion! I expect this to be a straight copycat performance from a forgettable contestant. It’s actually not bad, but the arrangement makes me angry — it takes the power notes that should end the song, chops them in half, then puts them in the middle. The ending is poorly arranged, as so many of these are. She leaves J-Lo speechless for a moment. She’s good, but not my thing. I think she’ll stick around a while, but I worry that she’s going to be a one-trick pretty-song pony.

6. James Durbin – “Maybe I’m Amazed” – Oh no. McCartney is my favorite Beatle, and this song is my favorite McCartney solo song. I don’t want him to screw this up. As usual, the arrangement (especially the ending) blows total goats. The kid doesn’t do too bad, but it just doesn’t rock my world. He gets screechy and loses a lot of the melody in the chorus. But I think the same fans who supported Adam Lambert will get behind this guy, and he’s totally safe.

7. Haley Reinhart – “Blue” – LeAnn Rimes, so it’s not a song I know. This is a song she’s been singing since she was eight, so she better not screw it up. There’s a lot of yodeling in this song, which she doesn’t suck at, but some of the straight notes are duds. I wish she weren’t wearing blue. Overall she’s more forgettable than Pia, in that I’d forgotten she even made the top 13. And she’s battling Lauren for the country vote, which maybe isn’t the smartest move. Randy calls it a little sleepy and boring, which is spot-on.

8. Jacob Lusk – “I Believe I Can Fly” – Boy oh boy. This guy is ham and cheese, so this should be fascinating. He has a really weird key change near the beginning, he gets the 10-piece backup chorus (this time in choir robes), and he throws in a section of really awkward wailing. Musically it’s almost as weird as I hoped for, but he blocks up his physical performance behind a microphone stand. It’s almost like he’s going for restraint, but this particular guy needs to avoid restraint at all costs.

9. Thia Megia – “Smile” – This song, for me, has nothing to do with Michael Jackson. Did I miss when MJ performed it? Was it when he was younger? It’s all Chaplin (or “Chapman”, as Thia says) to me. This is Thia’s second ballad in a row, which is worrisome. The first verse sounds good, but then there’s a key change and a couple of really awkward notes. She gets back into it, but it’s just not that dynamic overall.

10. Stefano Langone – “Lately” – Ah, wildcard kid. I don’t recall caring for him last week. The song starts out with just singing and a piano, and it’s not good. He’s chewing on every word and throwing out lots of bad notes. It gets a little better when the band kicks in, but that’s not saying much. It’s like he’s over-enunciating and … filling his mouth with the words, is all I can describe. He has a kind of Broadway sound and delivery, and it’s very weird for me.

11. Karen Rodriguez – “I Could Fall in Love” – Her idol is Selena. What a shocker! She even owns some Selena fashion dolls. Her outfit is a ghastly sequinned jumpsuit, her earrings are like chandeliers, and her singing just has no power tonight. From the pre-sing package, it sounds like she may be losing her voice, which is unfortunate. Her voice isn’t as weak as Paul’s, but it’s close. And this song seems like it needs some power behind it. She does know how to work the camera, and gets her hand right out to us, so points for that.

12. Scotty McCreery – “The River” – Garth Brooks? Don’t know it. I don’t know that I could name a single Garth Brooks song off the top of my head. I wonder if his facial contortions are a necessary part of his country sound. I’d love to see him sing without his mouth warped to the side, to find out what that would sound like. He also needs a little instruction in microphone technique — we lose him behind the backup singers a couple of times when he holds the mic away from his mouth. It’s good for what it is, but what it is isn’t good (for me). Totally safe, anyway.

13. Naima Adedapo – “Umbrella” – Rihanna is so far off my radar, it’s surprising to me that she could be someone’s idol. I mostly only know about her because of entries in celebrity gossip magazines. Props to Naima for wearing the knee-high Converse. She does some fancy dance moves to start, then … the song. I don’t know that I’ve heard this song before. But she sounds vaguely off from the music. If the original doesn’t have that little breakdown in it, then it’s a fun making-it-your-own touch. Stephen says it was pitchy, so I’m glad it’s not just me. The dancing was crazy, and she has the headline spot, so she’s totally safe.

I don’t know how they’re going to do the results (besides them being drawn-out and twice as long as they need to be, that’s a given) so I’m going to pick a bottom three, and the person I’d eliminate. I’m going with a bottom three of Haley Reinhart because she’s losing the country vote, Ashthon Jones for being comparatively boring, and Stefano Langone because I still just don’t see it (and the snippet they chose for the recap is so totally Broadway). I think everyone else has a big enough fanbase at this point. I’m going to send my most-forgotten finalist home: Haley Reinhart. And for the record, I’m rooting for Casey this year.

So they picked the wildcards during the second half of the results show. How did I not see that coming? Either Seacrest didn’t explain the process very well, or I didn’t pay close enough attention. I’d say it’s 50/50 which one of those is correct. Anyway, since the judges picked six kids to sing again and then made their choices immediately, predictions couldn’t really be made.

I ended up with all five of my girls in the finals (although one of them was a wildcard) and four of my boys. Which means that the top 13 has, for me, four big lumps of cannon fodder.

I lightly Googled, but couldn’t find any mention of next week’s theme. Anyone? There are also rumors that they’re doing away with theme weeks in general, but that might send the show into chaos. (More chaos than it already is, anyway.) I’m all for doing away with things like “country week”, but broader themes like decades are still cool.

There are a lot of unknown (to me) faces in the lineup. As well as a lot of sequins and strapless dresses. They’re dolled up and ready to rock out! (And speaking of dolled up, what’s with J-Lo’s dress? Can we really call it a dress? It’s more of a big sparkly scarf wrapped around her. Fug!)

Tonight is going to consist of a lot of songs I don’t know, and a few that I think are going to be horrible, horrible mistakes. I’m looking at one item on the song list in particular.

The judges blah-blah, while I’m off in my own mental happy place. Then the girls come out, and seriously, for at least half of them I’m all, “Who?” And for a couple of them, I’m all, “Ugh.” Off we go!

1. Ta-Tynisa Wilson – “Only Girl in the World” – I think I only noticed this girl for the first time when she was told she made the top 24. She’s wearing a ’50s-style dress that would be more appropriate on someone doing the jive on a dancing show. And her singing is … all right, I guess. I mean, this is a terrible song. And parts of it are way too low for her. And her dancing is kind of a squatting-stomping combo. And her next-to-last big note is awful. The only good thing is that her necklace is made up of hidden Mickeys. Meh. Meeeeehhhhhh.

MICKEYS!

2. Naima Adedapo – “Summertime” – Throughout the preliminary rounds, we’ve been told over and over again how amazing this girl is. But I haven’t really seen it so far. Although she certainly does go all-out with her wardrobe. She’s doing a jazzed-up version of her song, and it’s … the best I’ve heard out of her. There are a couple of dud notes near the end, but overall it’s a good performance. She also looks comfortable on the stage, and really knows how to use the space. She still doesn’t quite rock my socks, but she’s totally moving on to the finals.

3. Kendra Chantelle – “Impossible” – Who? Who is this girl? She looks like someone else. Hmm. She certainly looks good in leather pants. She sounds fine, I suppose. I’m just really distracted by her sleepy eyes. Girl looks like she’s about to keel over with the narcolepsy. Plus she’s just standing there, and the song kind of plods along. She does some fair runs, but I just don’t know if she’ll stand out enough by the end of the night.

4. Rachel Zevita – “Criminal” – I’m worried about this one. This is the song that makes me fret. And OH MY GOD SHE’S RUINING IT. She turns the song into a jazzy nightmare, and apparently she doesn’t give a crap about the actual melody. Props for performance, since there’s a lot of “sexy” tromping around the stage and the judges’ platform. But it’s like she took the words to a song, then wrote completely new music around them. There’s nothing that relates to the original besides ONE key change. Ghastly. I know she’s the female pick this week for the Vote for the Worst gang, and I can totally see why.

5. Karen Rodriguez – “Hero” – Well, we’ve had the Xtina, now it’s time for Mariah. Why, oh why do these girls always try to tackle the bombastic divas? At least there’s no Celene Dion song tonight for the trifecta. She does switch it up by doing part of the song in Spanish, which will probably tickle J-Lo’s heart. Overall it’s good, but bland. There was just no excitement for me. The judges, however, loved the absolute crap out of it.

6. Lauren Turner – “Seven Day Fool” – Oh, okay, so there are two Laurens in this group. This is the one who I don’t recall ever having seen. (The other one irritates the hell out of me.) She continues the jazzy theme of the night, and it’s pretty good. I’ve learned from this Lauren that they make combat boots with a wedge heel. And that you shouldn’t go on national TV with a chipped manicure.

I mean, seriously. Look at those nails. If you’re going to wear the black nail polish like all the hip kids, you gotta keep that stuff up. Plus, does the bottom of the new AI microphone look like an electric stove burner? Or the MasterChef logo? Anyhoo, I’m filing this Lauren under “forgettable”.

7. Ashthon Jones – “Love All Over Me” – Oh no, this is a fashion don’t. The denim bustier with high-waisted black leggings? Bad, bad, BAD. I do love her hair, though. I don’t know this song, but I have to say, the line “I’ve got love all over me” sounds like a euphemism. I can’t be the only one whose inner 12-year-old is giggling away. And she keeps singing it over and over and over! The song doesn’t rock my world, but I guess she sings it okay.

8. Julie Zorrilla – “Breakaway” – I know this girl loves the petticoats, but this outfit is a bit too junior prom. She sounds like she’s slightly behind the beat throughout the verse. Oh, and on parts of the chorus too. I wish this song were in a different key — it’s like she’s constantly butting up against the low end of her register, where she doesn’t have much power. A couple of her big final notes clunk, and overall this is pretty sub-par compared to what she’s done through the preliminary rounds.

9. Haley Reinhart – “Fallin’” – Okay, I think this Haley is who Kendra reminds me of. Wavy blondes with distinctive chins.

Nothing alike? Or secret cousins? Oooh, “Secret Cousins” would be a great song title. Or even a band name. Hmm. Her singing is pretty good, but her performance stinks. A lot of squatting and vague pointing and hand-flailing. She could be twice as good if she just knew how to use the stage. But she takes a tough song and turns in a decent performance. Although she doesn’t exactly get raves from the judges.

10. Thia Megia – “Out Here on My Own” – I don’t usually think of Irene Cara songs when I think of 15-year-old singers. But this kid is no ordinary 15. It’s a ballad, and usually those bore the pants off of me, but she does a fantastic job with it. She has a great voice, and unlike so many other teenaged contestants on this show, she can put actual emotion into the song. Plus, she’s totally dressed in a cute and age-appropriate fashion. And she seems like a genuinely nice kid. What’s not to like? Finalist!

11. Lauren Alaina – “Turn on the Radio” – On the complete other end of the teen spectrum, there’s this girl. Seems like she’s trying to be grown up SO HARD, with the teased hair and attitude, that it turns me off. Plus, country. I think we all know how I feel about country. But she’s been highlighted throughout all of the prelims, and she’s the only country singer on the girls’ side, so she’ll probably make it to the finals. Plus, the judges fawn all over her.

12. Pia Toscano – “I’ll Stand by You” – She’s a cute girl who I only vaguely recall. I’m jealous of her hair. She does a fair enough job with her song, but The Pretenders just doesn’t translate well for me into the overblown beautiful-voice sound that so many Idol contestants have. She’s also parked behind a microphone stand the entire song, so there’s no motion to pep up the ballad. Everyone seems to love her, and she is in the headliner spot, so I’ll have to seriously consider her for the finals.

Watching the recaps, there are some real clunkers in there. And a lot of all right. As usual, I’m going to make my picks based partly on my opinions of their singing, and partly on how the producers have edited the audition rounds. Here are my picks for the 5 moving on:

Naima Adedapo
Karen Rodriguez
Thia Megia
Lauren Alaina
Pia Toscano

We’ll see how well I scored during tonight’s results. Next week: wild cards!

Okay, so this year on AI they’re handling the semifinals in a totally different way. Tonight we hear the top 12 guys sing. Tomorrow, the top 12 girls. We the voters will send 5 of each straight to the finals, and the judges will get to pick one wildcard from the remaining 7 of each gender.

This is going to make guessing a lot harder. Unless 7 of these guys suck. Which is entirely possible — this is a much larger audience and stage than previous semifinal rounds, so a lot of these kids may be hit with some severe nervousness.

I may also base some of my picks on which guys have been pushed on us during the audition rounds. Like, you know, that one kid. Or that other guy. Or the one with the thing. There are at least a couple of doomed “who the heck is that” guys in this bunch.

1. Clint Jun Gamboa – “Superstition” – Ah, the guy who kicked that poor Jaycee out of his group during Hollywood week. Unforgiveable? As far as this song, where’s Simon Cowell when I need him, to call this performance “very karaoke”? This song happens to be on the song list for the American Idol Experience at WDW, and I have to say, I think I’ve seen a custodian perfom this song better. I mean, the guy is a karaoke host, so it shouldn’t surprise me that it’s a karaoke performance. I dig his glasses, however. Oh, but there’s Randy Jackson saying that no karaoke singer in the world has that kind of talent. Hrm.

2. Jovany Barreto – “I’ll Be” – I think of this guy as Baby Stallone. And I always expect his name to be spelled “Giovanni”. He’s picked a plodding song, and his performance appears to consist of putting his hand on his stomach, then in the air, then back on his stomach. Yawnsville.

3. Jordan Dorsey – “OMG” – Well, the kid has some showmanship, I’ll give him that much. But he starts his song in a muddy low key, the bulk of the song isn’t musically challenging, then he goes into a horrible flat falsetto. The judges aren’t fans of this performance, and I’m right there with them.

4. Tim Halperin – “Streetcorner Symphony” – I only remember this guy from auditions because his name is so similar to one of the characters on The Office. I don’t know the song he’s singing, but it seems like his performance crosses that fine line between singing and shouting. It’s not musically exciting. Another victim of poor song choice.

5. Brett Lowenstern – “Light My Fire” – Seriously? The kid has a very stylized voice, and this song doesn’t fit it at all. Plus, his idea of costuming is to wear a New Moon support bracelet, and his idea of showmanship is to whip his hair back and forth. He gets some guff from the judges for the hair flipping, but if I had hair like that, I’d have to toss it out of my eyes, too. It’s just all kinds of not good, but I bet he’ll make it through to the finals anyway.

6. James Durbin – “You Got Another Thing Comin’” – I’m not a fan of Judas Priest, but this performance isn’t bad. He seems comfortable, and he looks like he’s enjoying himself. He’s totally a rockier version of Adam Lambert, but Lambert was a total hoot to watch. Despite not caring for the song, I thought this was the best performance so far tonight.

7. Robbie Rosen – “Angel” – Sarah McLachlan? Not the most macho choice. It sounds like he’s off the beat throughout the entire first verse. Plodding, trudging, slogging. He misses all of the dramatic notes. He stays glued to a microphone stand the entire time. And in case that isn’t enough criticism, he needs a haircut. That ’70s length and style doesn’t work for anyone. Bleah.

8. Scotty McCreery – “Letters from Home” – I don’t care for country music. I also don’t care for the way this kid twists his face to the side when he sings. It looks like he’s always smirking. His voice is perfect for country, though, and I’m sure the country-loving portions of America will be voting for him like crazy. I want to see what he does with non-country songs.

9. Stefano Langone – “Just the Way You Are” – I watched every episode of the audition rounds, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen this guy before. Or if I did, clearly he didn’t impress me as anyone of note. His voice is decent for the most part, although there’s a high note that makes J-Lo twitch. I don’t know how well he’ll do, because he’s kind of a generic boy with a generic boy-band sound, and we haven’t been trained by previous rounds to salivate when he appears.

10. Paul McDonald – “Maggie May” – Seacrest tells us he’s “quirky and cool”. He’s another guy who I don’t really remember from previous rounds, although he seems vaguely familiar (as opposed to Stefano). His first note, however, is bad. He has a raspy, higher-pitched voice, kind of like Rod Stewart, but that’s what makes his song choice bad. It’s like he’s a bad Rod Stewart impersonator. It’s also really distracting how he’s moving around in an Ed Grimley-esque flounce.

11. Jacob Lusk – “A House is Not a Home” – This kid is fascinating. He’s like … well, remember Nick Mitchell, back in season 8, who performed in his over-the-top character Norman Gentle? Yeah. Jacob is just as over-the-top as Norman Gentle, but for real. They even have a similar sound. So since I couldn’t have Norman Gentle in the finals, I’ll put Jacob through for the sheer hilarity.

12. Casey Abrams – “I Put a Spell on You” – I heard that Casey was in the hospital and required a blood transfusion, but was released just in time to tape this show (from the post-sing joking with Seacrest, I’m guessing it’s stomach-related). And I’m so glad he’s better — he’s one of my favorites going in. His performance cracks me up, but in a great way. He’s so totally into it, and it looks like he’s having a fantastic time, and it’s all full of growls and meaningful looks at J-Lo, and then he kills it with a soft, soft ending. If he doesn’t make the finals, I’ll be stunned.

America will pick five to move on this week, so here are my guesses:

Casey Abrams
Jacob Lusk
Scotty McCreery
Brett Lowenstern
James Durbin

Tomorrow, the top 12 girls will hit the stage. And looking at the song list, I think there will be more than one absolute trainwreck. I can’t wait!

First off, WordPress 3.1 is out. Its name is Reinhardt. If you’re a WordPresser, get some!

Secondly, The American Idol top 24 performances start tomorrow. In years past, over on LiveJournal, I used to run contests guessing who’d be eliminated every week. Is anyone out there interested in participating this year? Looks like there are some real good’uns, and some fantastic crapburgers this season.

Thirdly, as I’m previewing this post on my site, there’s an ad over to the side —> for a lawyer who looks like he wants to eat my face off. He’s staring me down with his crazy eyes. Sorry, Florida readers.

Now, to the photos. They are many.

Down below our apartment, there’s a pond and a nice stretch of grass. This trio of ducks has been waddling around a lot lately, but this was the first time our more chattery cat has been out on the deck to see them. It’s weird — normally Commie is the much bolder, braver cat. But with this new apartment with a deck, Trouble comes out to lounge around, while Commie sits just inside the door.

Like so.

Don’t mind the flip-flop; it’s my high-tech doorstop.

Oooh, I think I just came up with some rap lyrics.

It’s not a home, for me, until I have some edible things growing. Unfortunately, the deck faces north, so it doesn’t get any sun. But the kitchen window gets some nice afternoon sun. Hopefully it’s enough for these plants — our last place had windows that faced roughly west-ish, and I was able to grow some herbs there. This time I went with basil (I almost always grow basil, it’s my favorite fresh herb) as well as sweet banana peppers and a strawberry plant. I’ve never tried strawberries indoors before, so we’ll see how they do.

And now, sightings out and about in the big, bad world. Scott and I were both startled by the store name “Fairvilla’s Sexy Things”. I also noticed a Fairvalla Road the other day, although it was probably 10 miles away from this store. Which isn’t quite the same name, but it was an odd coincidence. Anyhoo, it’s just a weird sounding combo — to me, “Fairvilla” sounds like a town near the little house on the prairie. Which doesn’t make me think of any kind of sexy things.

Also, I totally want to get some sexy things, then a crazy costume, then finish it off in the middle ground with a light bulb. I think with all three of those, I could put together a heck of a package.

Saw this one at the mall the other day. This is Pottery Barn, where someone named All Hanging Canopy can be bought for 79 bucks. I guess if they’re all-hanging, they might be worth that much.

This is the back of a big truck with a big … crushing thingy. Seriously, it was a truck, then this thingy, then a flatbed. I don’t know what the thingy does, but apparently there are hidden gears that have at least two distinct methods with which they can crush your fingers clean off.

The mere thought of fingerlessness makes Spidey really, really sad.

Top 5! Frank Sinatra songs! Harry Connick Jr.! I always look forward to standards week, and this is no exception. Bring on the good ol’ tunes!

Seacrest reminds us that Siobhan was sent home in a surprising manner last week. We need to vote for our favorites, so who will we vote for this week? The audience screams, “LEE!”

Turns out that this week, HCJr is working with the contestants to arrange their music. Which is a fabulous change from previous mentors, who pretty much say, “Find the meaning of the song, make it entertaining, and smile at the camera more.” Harry will even be playing on stage with the contestants. Now this is what mentorship should be! Let’s hope it all works out.

Oh, and one of Frank Sinatra’s daughters looks good, and the other looks like a warmed-over plate of plastic surgery.

Aaron Kelly – “Fly Me to the Moon” – He’s taking a semi-upbeat song, and starting it out slow and droning. Which just amplifies the nervous quavering. The beat gets peppier into the second verse, but he’s still hitting some really awful notes throughout. It’s just not that exciting, and not that great as far as the performance factor. Bland and dull. 6 out of 10.

Casey James – “Blue Skies” – Casey’s all pulled-back-hair and stubble, once again looking like a bad guy on Miami Vice. His second note is a massive clunker. The arrangement is a slow, drowsy one, which only serves to emphasise his goatlike bleating. I’ve heard that he’s this week’s pick at Vote for the Worst, and I can totally see why. It’s off-key in a majestic way. 4 out of 10.

Crystal Bowersox – “Summer Wind” – It’s a jazzy arrangement, and Mamasox actually looks really good in her gown. And of course, she sings the song beautifully. She’s had a rougher week or two, but she’s back on top again this time. I don’t know what her personal meaning is for the song, but you can totally tell it has meaning for her. It doesn’t rock as hard as it could, but I think I’m glad. This song isn’t a hard-rockin’ thing. Still, I think there’s room for improvement. 8 out of 10.

Michael Lynche – “The Way You Look Tonight” – The question is, will he sing this as a slow, plodding, nasal ballad? The answer is yes. Oh, but it gets a little peppier after the first bit. Still nasal, still boring, but a little faster. Is it just me, or does this guy bore everyone? I mean, this performance was totally predictable. He never comes out of his comfort zone, the way Crystal did just before. I just find him bland. He’s Blando Calrissian. 6 out of 10.

Lee DeWyze – “That’s Life” – Once again, dreamy Lee gets the pimp spot. Harry’s wife thinks Lee is pretty. for the performance, Harry’s playing the Cheesemaster 5000 organ. And maybe it’s that he shares a little winky-nudgey with Harry at the beginning, but Lee seems much more comfortable than usual. He actually looks like he may be having a tiny bit of fun. He goes up in pitch a half-step or so before the music at one point, which is awkward, but overall it sounds good. 8 out of 10.

So of the five, Crystal and Lee are my frontrunners, Aaron and Michael are wallowing in mediocrity, and Casey was the clunker. Will his attractiveness keep him in the race? Not with that villainous look. Although Aaron had the deadly opening spot and wasn’t memorable, I think his tinyness will keep him in. Casey for the boot.

I couldn’t bring myself to write anything up this week. I mean, I hate country week in general. So Shania Twain week? Ugh. But on the plus side …

She will bite your face no more forever!

Even this late in the game, I just didn’t get the rabid Siobhan love. She never did anything for me, and the shrieking was awful. I can’t understand the shouters on the internets who claim she has the most beautiful voice they’ve ever heard.

Overall, nobody did that well this last week. Even Crystal. I mean, she was good and all, but it was totally a “not one of your best performances” performance. Next week, though? Looks awesome. Frank Sinatra songs! Harry Connick, Jr. as a mentor! I always love and hate standards week, because very few of the kids “get” standards. I remember season 1, standards week was when I really took notice of Kelly Clarkson — she nailed “Stuff Like That There” with the appropriate attitude and delivery, in a way that nobody else did.

So that leaves us with Crystal (This thing is hers to lose.), Lee (More personality, please.), Casey (More range, please, and get a haircut.), Aaron (Would have done great 5 seasons ago.), and Michael (Another nasal ballad? Shocking!).

I never would have tapped Aaron or Michael for top 5. Is Michael still riding a wave of sympathy for his almost-elimination a few weeks back? I can’t imagine that people actually want to hear another sappy, weenie stuffed-up-nose ballad. Then again, America has baffled me many times before.

Later: Glee. But now: there are only seven left. And our two remaining girls apparently got their hair styled by a blender.

This week it’s “inspirational” songs, with mentor Alicia Keys. For some reason I always want to write her last name as “Keyes”. I’m honestly not too familiar with any of her work, so I can’t tell you if I like her or not. I’ve probably heard some of her stuff on the radio, or at the roller rink.

Casey James – “Don’t Stop” – Casey has rewritten a bit of the melody to sound as if he’s sharp. Because I can’t imagine screwing up that much on the melody. Also, he’s wearing a v-neck white tee under a sportcoat, with his hair tied back and a little chin stubble, which makes him look like a villain on Miami Vice. At least he rocks playing his guitar. It’s decent, but weird in places, and I liked the Huey Lewis vibe better. 7 out of 10.

Lee DeWyze – “The Boxer” – Okay, maybe I just like this guy because I think he has a pretty face. Some of his notes are flat, some sharp. On the good side, he’s showing quite a bit of emotion as he sings, and a couple of times he makes direct eye contact with the camera (and us at home). Although he has a LONG way to go until he reaches a Constantine Maroulis level of camera-eye contact. And he’s pretty. Yay for pretty boys! 7 out of 10.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Pretty, pretty Lee. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Tim Urban – “Better Days” – Alicia Keys (Keyes) has to tell Tim to let us see that he’s “inspired” by the lyrics. On this, “inspirational” song week. If anyone was worried that Tim was getting better, don’t fret. He’s back to being flat, sharp, and completely disconnected from his song. So sad he had to follow emotional Lee, because it makes him seem even more flat and spiritless. 5 out of 10.

Aaron Kelly – “I Believe I Can Fly” – I don’t care for this song. Perhaps because I’ve heard it most in a commercial (for what, I can’t recall; it might have been a PBS PSA) where a choir sings it completely out of tune. From the get-go, Aaron is digging into the raspier range, putting a little edge behind his voice. He’s emoting some, which is good, but it feels kind of karaoke. Or … no, more like it feels kind of American Idol songwriting competition finale song about hope and succeeding. A couple of bad notes, but I just didn’t connect. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “When You Believe” – Where will she scream in this soft, gentle song? I can’t wait to find out! But I’m so distracted by her amazingly awful outfit, I have to skip backward to actually listen to the song. Butterflies wired to her shoulder! Knee socks with argyle-style ribbons! Feathers in her hair! And her dizzyingly shiny lip gloss. Okay, averting my eyes. Sappy, but not awful. She skips the really low note, and is horribly flat on one of the big buildup notes. Alicia Keys (Keyes) made it seem like Siobhan would hit some amazingly high note, but the high note isn’t all that amazingly high. Meh, she still doesn’t do it for me. Crazy Kara nails it by saying it’s like a musical. 6 out of 10.

Pure imagination.

Commercials – Did the 1970s Willy Wonka movie music suddenly go public domain? What with the Lost promo for this week’s episode using the crazy boat tunnel chant, and this AT&T ad using “Pure Imagination”, it’s a weird sudden burst of Wonkaness.

Michael Lynche – “Hero” – He starts out strumming very rough chords (seriously, they’re like chords I’d strum) and then his voice moves straight up to his nose. Is he always this nasal? Anyhoo, it’s a great arrangement, and no doubt the judges will express their delight that they used the save on him. It’s all right, and I think he’ll get plenty of votes, but the nasalness. Maybe it’s in a terrible key for him. Hmm. 6 out of 10.

Crysal Bowersox – “People Get Ready” – Without an instrument, Crystal? Finally! Not only that, but her first verse is a capella. A ballsy choice. Her microphone stand has some weird lamp or bong or something on it. What’s up with that? It’s good, bordering on great, and then … she chokes up at the end. And it’s awkward and uncomfortable and feels incredibly phony. I’m sure it’s genuine emotion, but … it just feels shammy. She apologizes, and the judges fawn all over her. Oh, the weird bong-on-a-stick is her microphone stand from back home. Okay, hippie. Crybaby hippie. Still, weeping aside, the best of the night. 8 out of 10.

WTF is that lampy bongy thing?

So, who’s going home this week? It’s certainly possible that, since tomorrow is the big Idol Gives Back extravaganza, they won’t eliminate anybody. They did that the first year of IGB; I don’t know about any subsequent years, because I find IGB kind of unwatchable. I’ll probably FF to the end of the episode, and skip the bulk of the celebrextravaganza. But if they do eliminate someone, my lowest score was a 5 for Tim, with Michael, Siobhan and Aaron tied at 6. I’m going to predict that Tim will be safe for one more week, and since Michael already got the low votes once before, I’m going to pick him for the big boot.

It’s top 9 week again, since Mike was saved last week. That means two contestants will be going home tomorrow. And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but tonight is the music of Elvis, mentored by Adam Lambert. So I’m expecting nine distinct and wonderful trainwrecks. Oh, and Glee is on at 9:28 (8:28 central) tonight. Now that’s a “special time.” Anyhoo, I’m going to log my predictions now: “Suspicious Minds”, “A Little Less Conversation”, Big Mike doing “In the Ghetto”, and just for the horror spectacle, I’ll peg Tim for “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”.

I’m watching this on actual Tuesday night, instead of on Wednesday, which also means I don’t have my usual cushion of time. I may actually have to watch the judges’ commentaries. Ugh. As the judges take their seats, Seacrest awkwardly sideways-fives some girls in the front row. Then he talks about last week’s “reshults” show. Drunk much, Seacrest? Then we get a package about Elvis, and the top 9 visiting Las Vegas and the Cirque show. Then we get some Adam Lambert push, because he’s apparently not doing too well on the charts.

Back in the theater, Adam Lambert has a front-row seat. Right next to the cast of Glee (and don’t forget, everyone, it’s on at 9:28). I’m just watching Jane Lynch over Seacrest’s shoulder as Seacrest and Lambert make with the blah-blah-blah. OH, Jane, nice yawn. Things get weird and awkward as they discuss tongues, and then we find out that Tim’s going to do “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. Curses!

Crystal Bowersox – “Saved” – Interesting, putting mamasox in the opening spot. She’s going bluesy and gospelicious, and she’s playing a gorgeously sparkly electric guitar instead of the acoustic. It’s amazing how she can be so dynamic while locked down behind a guitar and a microphone stand, while other free-range contestants can be so boring. Not my style of music, but she turns in another great performance. 8 out of 10.

Andrew Garcia – “Hound Dog” – He gets to do the Coke-stool interview, but it’s all about watching Mike perform for his life last week. Blah blah blah as a father blah blah. At first, Andrew bored Lambert. Let’s see if he punched it up enough. Um … well, at least his classic old-school microphone is interesting. The arrangement is a plodding, horns-heavy, cheeseball mess. He strolls around with the microphone stand in hand, and it’s just disjointed and weird and corny and nothing exciting. Randy calls it “not-good karaoke”. 5 out of 10.

Tim Urban – “Can’t Help Falling in Love” – Lambert encourages Tim to end the song in falsetto. For the performance, Tim is parked on a stool on the tinystage behind the judges. His guitar playing is decent, but my goodness is his singing off tonight. He has a bit of the nervous quaver, and he’s flat all over the place. During a crane shot, we see Seacrest dancing with some beefy bear guy in the aisle (keep drinking, Seacrest), and for a brief moment during the director’s fetish for overlays, we get to see three Tims on one screen. And of course, Tim the contrarian doesn’t take Lambert’s advice, and stays down in his lower register for the “big” (not so big) ending. Boring, plodding, ho-hum to the extreme. Not good, Teflon. The judges, who are on another planet, praise the performance in a desperate attempt to take credit for Tim staying in the competition. 4 out of 10. 866-IDOLS-03, everyone.

Three Tims & Dancing Seacrest

Lee DeWyze – “A Little Less Conversation” – CHECK. Continuing the theme of being in weird places, Lee is on the little sub-stage in front of the judges. He’s been encouraged to show a little more life and personality, and I think he’s taking it a little too far, to the detriment of the singing. Besides, his new “personality” consists of turing his head side-to-side and half-smiling as he sings. I’m calling this musically a safe choice, with an expected arrangement, but overall a decent (not amazing) peformance. 7 out of 10.

Aaron Kelly – “Blue Suede Shoes” – To paraphrase the mentoring in my own colorful style, Lambert encourages little Aaron to punch the song in the nuts. But can he? He has such tiny, soft fists. The arrangement is nothing special, and you can see that the kid is nervous, but he’s fairly entertaining as he wanders all around the stage. It almost feels like boy-band doing classic rock. Or like a kitten wearing leather pants. It’s an odd combination. I don’t think he necessarily nutpunches the song, but he does a fair to middling job with it. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “Suspicious Minds” – CHECK. She’s a huge Elvis fan, and she’s wearing a bouffant fauxhawk and her outfit is a mix between dominatrix and homage to the fat Elvis jumpsuit. My expectations are low, because I like this song and I don’t like Siobhan. She starts out singing with her back to the audience, straight into a close-up camera, and MY GOD SHE WANTS TO EAT MY FACE WITH HER VAMPIRE TEETH. The girl is in serious crazy-eyes mode tonight. The arrangement is absolutely karaoke, and she’s singing in a cheesy lounge singer voice which probably sounds great to some people, but is completely inappropriate for the song. Then she does her shrieking thing that I hate, and finally it’s over. 5 out of 10.

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE

At this point, there’s a commercial break with the KFC Double Down sandwich (been there, done that), Glee (on at 9:28, 8:28 central) and then Seacrest tells us about Idol Gives Back and makes a semi-scathing Brian Dunkleman joke. Oh, SNAP.

Michael Lynche – “In the Ghetto” – CHECKITY CHECK SLAM DUNK FOR ME. Sappy and morose is this guy’s bread and butter. Once again he’s sitting down with acoustic guitar in hand. The content of the song is a huge downer, and his arrangement doesn’t make it any better. It’s slow and gutting and makes me want to slit my wrists. The judges all love the hell out of it, and since he got the save last week, he’s totes safe. 5 out of 10 from me.

Katie Stevens – “Baby, What Do You Want Me to Do” – One of the blogs I read calls her Smug Teen Witch, which tickles me plenty. It’s perfect. She’s trying so hard to be bluesy, what with the horns section on stage and her oh-no-you-di’int head waggle. And this kid would have been amazing seven seasons ago. Her voice and performance style would have fit in much better then; but Idol has migrated past her style. Kara refers to her head waggle as “neckitude”. Simon thought it was loud and annoying. 5 out of 10.

Casey James – “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” – I thought long and hard during the commercial break, and couldn’t remember who was left to perform. Clearly Casey sticks with me. Seacrest pronounces the song “Loudy Miss Cloudy”, which is fairly hilarious. Keep drinking, Seacrest. For the performance, Casey’s stuck on this tiny round stage in the middle of the mosh section. Katie needs to take blues lessons from this kid. He plays some good guitar, and sings his song pretty well. He’s a little bleaty goaty at times, but overall it’s decent. 6 out of 10.

My bottom score is for Tim, who only earned 4 points from me. But he’s totally safe. Bunched up with a 5-score are: Andrew, Siobhan, Michael, and Katie. Since Michael is probably pity-safe after the judges’ save, and Siobhan has an army of zombies behind her, I’m going to go with Andrew and Katie for elimination. Now it’s 9:28 (8:28 central) and time for Glee, where 23-year-olds go to high school and it’s perfectly fine for students to assault each other with frozen drinks if they’re in different cliques.