You guys, it’s 7:41pm on the east coast, and I’m just now starting to watch the performance show.

I don’t know. I’ve kind of lost the love this year. Why is it such a grind to watch? Is it the fourth judge? Is it just that the show’s getting old and tired?

EDIT: Results start at 9 tonight! I got these in on time!

Danny: “Stand by Me”. Really? A remake from the year you were born? Out of all the kick-ass original songs from 1980? He sings it well, but overall the arrangement is totally boring muzak. Totally not hip, not modern, not marketable. Come on, Danny. Get back with the program.

Kris: “All She Wants to Do Is Dance”. 1985. He’s standing in the middle of the crowd, playing a guitar, and we can barely see him. The arrangement sucks lemons — a horrible horns-heavy funk version. Not hip, not modern, not marketable. Like, gag me with a spoon.

Lil: “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. 1984. Another ugly wig on Lil. She’s oversinging the hell out of the song. And it needs to be in a higher key. And she’s doing this weird little shuffling step-dance. At least I can’t see her dull, dead eyes as much, because she has them closed a lot.

Anoop: “True Colors”. 1986. Soft and gentle again, Anoop? Hmm. At least he’s giving it the boy band treatment, changing up the arrangement so it could possibly sound modern-ish. But it’s also boring. And he makes me sad, because he reminds me of Kutner on House.

Scott: “The Search Is Over”. 1985. Oh, he’s out from behind the piano! He has a guitar in hand! But Survivor isn’t exactly the right move. It’s like a soft and spongy version of butt rock. A lot of his notes are shaky, and he may well be the worst voice left in the competition.

Allison: “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. 1992. Seems like kind of an “old” song for a 16-year-old to sing. But she does a pretty good job with it. Her outfit, on the other hand, is terrible.

Matt: “Part Time Lover”. 1985. He actually shares my husband’s birthday. Doesn’t make me like him any more than before. And what IS that thing on his forehead? He sings Stevie poorly, and the arrangement is similar to what Kris did — dated funk/jazz. Oh, and he dodges the really good high notes. Coward! But the judges love the hell out of it. What on earth?

Here’s where we pass the one-hour mark, and the recording stops. Fortunately, we recorded Fringe, so I have the last performance on the TiVo.

Adam: “Mad World”. 1982. Ah, but he’s doing the spooky Donnie Darko version. Right? I’ve never seen Donnie Darko, just heard about it. This sounds nice, though. His hairstyle is unfortunately bowl-cut-ish. Great song choice, and sung really well. Winner of the night.

Looking at the recaps … what the hell was up with the funky jazz versions? Did these guys make a pact to all blow at the same time? I have to put Scott in the bottom three, along with Matt and Kris. I think it may be time for poor Scott to go.

I see that the show is down from 2 hours to 1 hour, 25 minutes. I hope this doesn’t mean that TiVo somehow missed the last 5 minutes. If so, I may be pissed.

We find out the theme, and it’s … American Top 40? Or is it number-one songs from American Top 40? I’m confused. All I know is, Seacrest has a way better DJ setup than anything I’ve ever worked with. The technology has come far in the last 10 years.

1. Anoop Desai: “Caught Up” by Usher. He has a herd of backup singers, who sound good. Then Anoop’s solo, and … is this a terrible song? Or is he performing it terribly? The melody sucks, the music sucks. Even Anoop’s jacket sucks. Randy tells him the vocals are really good, and he’s picked up his swagger. Kara accuses him of playing it safe. Paula loved seeing his playful side, but wants more stage presence. Simon thought it was a complete and utter mess, and that he came over as a wannabe. Yay! Go, Simon!

2. Megan Joy: “Turn Your Lights Down Low” by Bob Marley / Lauryn Hill. She looooves the song, and the judges are supposed to “feel” her this time. And as always, she’s singing terribly, and her outfit is atrocious. What else can I say that I haven’t said before? She’s a bleating goat with horrible twitching moves. Kara really likes her, but thinks she’s in trouble. Paula babbles nonsense, but seems to agree that her movements are distracting. Simon brings out the words boring, monotonous, and indulgent. Randy says it’s like watching paint dry.

3. Danny Gokey: “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts (I think I spelled that right). He has a violin lady onstage with him. It’s not a song I’d listen to, but I think he’s doing a good job with it. He’s totally into it emotionally. And as usual, he puts the notes in all the right places. I don’t think I can stand to listen to the judges’ comments anymore, so I’m going to just fast-forward to the next contestant. Danny = safe.

4. Allison Iraheta: “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt. She’s busting out the guitar. She’s also redone her hair in a slightly lighter superbright red. Her outfit is terrible. Who’s dressing these kids? The worst part is her hair, a sort of punk mullet with a big bow stuck in it. Without the bow, it’d be hair like Jareth in Labyrinth. Did I miss her playing the guitar while I was staring at her hair? For at least the last half, she has it slung to her side. Did she just play those few notes at the beginning? Weird.

5. Scott MacIntyre: “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel. Oh dear. His piano playing is excellent as always, but his reedy, nasal voice is totally wrong for the song. He also has a shiny new haircut, straight out of 1985. I’m going to say this is another song that just shouldn’t be touched. Although on the plus side, he seems to be emoting his face off. Perhaps to make more of a connection with the audience. After his bottom-three experience last week, will America rally behind him?

6. Matt Giraud: “You Found Me” by The Fray. He’s playing a keyboard, sitting on some precarious little platform out in the audience. The song starts off way too low, and all of his notes are totally lost. He’s really into this song, and it’s clear that he loves it. But it’s just not all that good. He has a little quavering in his voice, though it’s not as goaty as Megan. And the song ends in a flaccid fade-out. Very meh.

7. Lil Rounds: “I Surrender” by Celine Dion. She talks about her poor song choices in the package. How can a Celine Dion song be the right choice for her? She’s wearing another bad wig, an ill-fitting dress, and the usual dead-eyed expression on her face. Some of her power notes are off, and she really has problems during a key change in the middle of the song. Overall, it’s weird and still a wrong song choice.

8. Adam Lambert: “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry. Interesting choice. What will he do with it? He’s sticking with the slicked-back greaser look. It’s weirdly slow, like he’s singing at half-speed, until he hits the chorus and it gets much faster. I appreciate that he’s trying to give a different spin to the song, but it’s not my cup of tea. Still, like with “Ring of Fire”, it’s interesting to watch and listen to, and in this he also hits some great high notes. Hmm.

9. Kris Allen: “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers. Will he sing all 147 “I know”s? He’s out there with the electric keyboard and a string quartet. Nice mix. He sounds pretty good, and he’s done some interesting things with the arrangement. Even the “I know”s sound nice. I have to give the kid credit — this was a decent performance.

Recaps: Anoop was weird. Megan ARG UGH BLEAH. Danny got into it. Allison was just OK. Scott doesn’t want clever conversation. Matt stuck the microphone all up in his mouth. Lil was wigged and sleepy. Adam played that funky music. And Kris may have won the night.

For my bottom three, I have to go with permanent choice Megan. I’ll add in Anoop and Matt, although I also worry about Allison. As with previous weeks, I have to choose Megan for elimination.

It’s almost 6:30pm on results night. I say curse you, Idol! Why did you have to change your days? This is totally screwing up my usual TV schedule. This will be a very fast viewing, and I’m planning on fast-forwarding past the judges’ comments.

It’s Motown week, so I’m fast-forwarding past what looks like the kids working with Smokey Robinson.

1. Matt Giraud: “Let’s Get It On”. He’s singing and all the music he has is his own piano. It sounds wrong and bad. Finally the band kicks in, and it’s not AS sucky. But I don’t want to get it on with a kid in a cardigan and skinny tie. A lot of his notes are sour, and his runs aren’t impressive. If this is indicative of the night, I’m in for some real crap. In fast-forward, the judges seem … pleased?

2. Kris Allen: “How Sweet It Is”. Will the three backup singers be hanging out upstage for everyone? Kris is accompanying himself on the acoustic guitar, and wearing a weird 40s-military shirt. But he seems to be having a good time, and I think he’s more on-key than Matt was. And his final note(s): very good. I’m still not into the kid, but I can see what other people see in him. Kara starts with “you know what I love about that performance”, and it’s off to FF I go.

3. Scott MacIntyre: “You Can’t Hurry Love”. He’s doing a soft and gentle rendition at the start, then he rocks into the piano. And the piano playing is good as always. But as the weeks go by, his voice is sounding weaker and weaker. It’s not bad per se, it’s just weirdly nasal and phlegmy. He has the backup girls standing right up there at his piano, which is probably intimidating. It’s OK, but not great. FFing by, it looks like Simon has criticism. Deserved.

4. Megan Joy: “For Once in My Life”. OH MY GOD, THIS IS TERRIBLE. Is she still suffering the flu? She’s still an off-key bleating goat. What the hell does anyone see in her? Or hear in her? And she still looks terrified and uncomfortable, and she’s still doing the Awkward Twist. She’s in the top 10, and little Alexis went home. What a frakking shame. Terrible, awful, needs to go home.

5. Anoop Desai: “Ooh Baby Baby”. He’s got to be uncomfortable; the wardrobe department has him wearing like four layers. Including a weird letter-jacket-looking thing made of vinyl or tarp or something. He’s singing all high and sweet and such, and he’s doing all right. My socks are still on — he has not knocked them off. But it’s a decent job, and compared to some others, I think he’s safe.

6. Michael Sarver: “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”. This is very karaoke. There’s no actual soul involved; just an awkward white guy singing the wrong song. And he’s still doing that weird twisted-mouth singing, with the weird-ass facial expressions. And one of his big notes at the end falls completely flat. Very, very not great. He coughs and sneezes at the end; does he have Megan’s flu?

7. Lil Rounds: “Heat Wave”. She’s wearing a terrible wig. And a terrible dress. And just like last week, she kind of looks like she’d rather be anywhere but here. I wonder what’s up with that. Anyhoo, she’s singing all right. It’s not setting my world on fire, but it’s one of the better performances for tonight. She interacts with the backup singers, but it’s with dull, lifeless eyes. Poor Lil, with no apparent joy or spirit. In FF mode, it looks like there’s some backtalk to the judges.

8. Adam Lambert: “Tracks of My Tears”. He’s all wearing a 50s suit, with his hair slicked back like a greaser, and he’s totally rocking a Chris Isaak look. He’s singing unplugged, with just an acoustic guitar, stand-up bass, and washboard. He’s falsetto through most of it, and it’s definitely the best thing on stage so far tonight. He’s soft and sweet and gentle, and hits most of the right notes. Totally safe!

9. Danny Gokey: “Get Ready”. He sounds great as usual, but it’s just not all that exciting. Paula is up dancing, as can be expected. I think it’s because the song isn’t that musically varied, so he’s just singing many of the same notes over and over again. But he has some fun with the backup singers, and looks like he’s having a good time onstage. A decent performance.

10. Allison Iraheta: “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”. Oh, Motown suits this girl. She’s all funky and growly. Her outfit is atrocious, but that’s to be expected in the finals. Those stylists should really get a talking-to. She does a very good job, and her final big notes are really nice. Paula and Kara stand up at the end. What a great way to end the night.

Recaps: Matt doesn’t suit his song. Kris is all right. Scott is getting overshadowed. Megan is a trainwreck and a nightmare rolled into one. Anoop is soft, but not moving. Michael is Mr, Karaoke. Lil is good, but her eyes are so dead. Adam is soft, and moving. Danny rocks as usual. Allison was the best suited to the week’s theme.

So who goes home? My picks for the bottom three: Megan, Michael, and Matt. I know some people are picking Scott, but I think he has another week or two still in him. As usual, I’m going to pick Megan to go home. I can’t bring myself to go with anyone else until she’s GONE.

Ah, top 11. What exciting theme will you be singing this week?

We start off with Seacrest menacingly stalking behind the contestants. Then the opening, then the judges emerge once again from upstage center, followed by Seacrest coming down the huge stairs.

He wishes us all a happy St. Patrick’s Day, and the stage goes all green and covered with shamrocks. We move on to Seacrest questioning the judges, and Randy lets us know that it’s COUNTRY WEEK DEAR GODS NOOOOO! Well then, I won’t know any of these songs, and I’ll be in hell for the next two hours. Good times.

We get a package about the Grand Ole Opry, and how Randy Travis worked with the kids. These days, Randy looks like a cross between Max Headroom and beef jerky.

1. Michael Sarver: He’s going to do a song that’s “loaded with lyrics”. From his rehearsal with Randy, it sounds like a country take on “The End of the World As We Know It”. He’s joined on stage by a harmonica player sitting on the steps. Michael shows us that the contestants can still walk around behind the judges. And we get a LOT of shots of the harmonica dude. It’s a peppy song, and I suppose he does all right with it. It’s not musically risky, but there certainly are a lot of words. I’ve just noticed that Michael has a funny way of singing, not opening his mouth far enough and flashing his upper teeth. It looks weird. Randy agrees with me, that the song didn’t challenge his vocal capabilities. Kara liked seeing his personality. Paula liked seeing him have fun. Simon starts with, “well, it SHOULD have been good.” He couldn’t understand a single word. Michael could have been singing in Norwegian. Ha! Michael comes back with, “If we were all perfect, we wouldn’t need this show.” It’s a dis that I … don’t really get. This show is for people who are already good. It’s not here to MAKE you good.

2. Allison Iraheta: She’s going to do a Patty Loveless song. I’ve never even heard of Patty Loveless. She has a dorky dance move that she may or may not do, but Randy didn’t like it. She seems to be having fun with the song. A bit of the song in the middle is too low for her, and she takes a couple of breaths in awkward places, but overall it’s an entertaining performance. Kara thinks she could sing the alphabet well. Paula loves on her power and rock edge. We keep going to shots of a woman who I assume is Allison’s mom, weeping with joy in the audience. Simon thought it was good, a little tuneless in parts, and thought she was struggling with the words. Randy declares the performance “dope”.

3. Kris Allen: Looks like he’s going to go all soft and high and weepy with his guitar, again. During his rehearsal with Randy, he’s making squinchy little faces as he sings. Will he do that in performance? Let’s see. Oh, he’ll be doing it without his guitar! And sitting on a stool! Yes, he’s getting all squashed up in the face as he sings, and he’s holding the microphone weirdly, somehow with just the tips of his fingers. We see his family in the audience when he’s done singing, and his dad wipes away a tear. Paula is pleasantly surprised, and liked the honest, pure and vulnerable performance. Simon thought it was terrific, and says all kinds of other nice things. Randy loved the chance he took. Kara felt the song transcended country, and was just beautiful.

4. Lil Rounds: We’re back from commercial to the stools. Lil’s dress is ghastly, with a huge ruffle over the bosom. She gets interviewed about life back at the Idol mansion, and how she felt about country week. She’s going to sing “Independence Day”, which is a song I’ve heard! Someone did it at The American Idol Experience the day I did it! The song, the style, the content … are all wrong for Lil. It feels awkward and uncomfortable throughout. And her 1980s cocktail dress doesn’t help things at all. I’m not really into Lil, since there’s nothing terribly new and exciting about her — we’ve seen her ilk on Idol many times before. Randy agrees that it didn’t feel comfortable on her. She explains things back to Randy too extensively. Kara wanted her to choose another song, but gave her kudos for making a choice that Lil felt was right. Paula loves her hair, makeup and clothing. Simon keeps calling her “little”, then compared her to someone forced to sing a requested song at a wedding. She felt and looked uncomfortable. Lil again talks back too much. I don’t like the extensive talkback.

5. Adam Lambert: We come back from the break to the stools, AGAIN! Let me pause for a moment to comment — apparently this week, the rumors are spreading around that Adam is gay. Or at least that there are pictures of him kissing boys. And I have to say: REALLY? I had no idea! There’s concern that America won’t stay with him if it turns out that he’s gay. And I have to say, if anyone thought that guy was actually straight, they were deluding themselves. OK, back to the stools. He’s going to make sure his country song is very, very Adam. He’s going to sing “Ring of Fire”. He left Randy Travis speechless. He’s doing the song in some crazy sitar arrangement. It’s a frightening trainwreck, and I can’t look away. Props to him for making the song something so different from country, but it’s just hideous. And the crowd seems to love it. Kara found it strange, and doesn’t know what to make of it, but she kind of liked it. Paula loves how artistically true to himself he is. Simon shrugs and smiles, and asks, “What the hell was that?!” He pulls out the “indulgent rubbish” insult. Randy loved that it was current, young, fresh and hot.

6. Scott MacIntyre: He’s doing a Martina McBride song, and Randy Travis is all uncomfortable and uncertain. Of course, he’s on the old baby grand. The song is, as per Idol usual, keyed a bit too low. Some of the low notes get lost. And some of his high notes aren’t that great. But he does get across the idea that wild angels are watching over you and me. And the crowd loves the pee out of him. Paula worries that the piano is a bit of a crutch, separating him from the audience, and he’s losing the connection. He tells her they can move the piano closer. Now THAT’S the kind of talkback I like. Simon bickers with Paula about the whole piano/no-piano thing. Simon doesn’t like the song choices yet, and says that last week’s and this week’s were very similar in tempo and tone. Randy hasn’t seen the hot, crazy, unbelievable vocals. Kara sums it up, asking him to up his game and wow everyone.

7. Alexis Grace: Once again, we’re back from commercials to the stools. She gets asked how everyone’s doing backstage. She’s going to sing “Jolene”, which sounds familiar. Ah, it’s a Dolly Parton song. Randy Travis gives her props for understanding how to tell the story of the song. The first line is really wonky, and at least half the notes sound off. Then she gets into it, and it turns out all right. But honestly, I think it’s an awful song. There’s only so much you can do with it. Randy tells her that there were a lot of pitch problems, and didn’t really care for the bluesy twist. Kara thought she lost her edge a bit, and found it flat. Paula liked it better than the others did, and applauds the artistic approach. Simon thought it was okay, and a little bit sound-alike and forgettable.

8. Danny Gokey: He messed up all over the place in his Randy Travis session, doing Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel”. He’s looking dapper in a white jacket, and as usual, he hits all the notes beautifully. But oh my god, what a song! She’s driving too fast on an icy night with her baby in the backseat, spins out, and lets go of the wheel? Begging Jesus to take over? This is the perfect example of why I don’t like country music. Good gravy. Kara didn’t like the front half, but the second part of the song really worked for her. Paula kind of disagrees, because she loves how an artist builds a story. Simon agrees with Paula, that you can’t start the song full-on, and you need light and shade. Then Simon hates on the white jacket. Randy agrees with Kara, that Danny’s verses aren’t great. He needs to build those up, so they match the quality of his choruses.

9. Anoop Desai: He was nervous about country, and he’s going for another distinctive song, Willie Nelson’s “You Were Always on My Mind”. Oh dear. He’s using a microphone stand, but as he stands there, I can tell he’s been studying the greats on making eye contact with the camera. He actually does a good job changing the song up just enough so that it’s not a copy of Willie Nelson. It’s a decent ballad performance. Paula declares Anoop to be “back”, and gives him many little praises. Simon tells him he went from zero to hero, and commends his song choice. Randy enjoyed the arrangement and the vocal skills. Kara gives him kudos for doing such a good job with another so-called “untouchable” song.

10. Megan Joy Corkrey: She’s going to do “Walking after Midnight”, and even though Randy Travis has heard it every possible way, he finds her rendition unique. She’s changing the melody around, apparently. She stands behind a microphone stand, wearing a dress with no brassiere, so it looks like she’s smuggling two grapefruits around. Her “unique” rendition seems to be some sort of cross between 40s jazz and yodeling. Once again, she does her awkward twist dance, and it still looks awful. She has a quivery, goat-bleating sound to her voice. I can’t tell if she’s singing that way on purpose, or if she’s wracked with nerves. Ah, she’s been ill with the cough. Randy was expecting a trainwreck, but thought it was actually pretty good. Kara thinks the song and the look are perfect, and applauds her for getting up and performing with the flu. Paula lets us know that she was in the hospital, and missed the run-through. Simon tells her she should have the flu every week, and that she looks gorgeous.

11. Matt Giraud: He’s doing another Carrie Underwood song, and Randy Travis wasn’t sure it was a good song choice. But Matt behind the piano seemed to impress him. We come back from the package, and Seacrest is standing next to the judges’ table. As he introduces Matt, we see Paula sniffing and stroking Simon’s forearm. I have three letters for that: WTF? Matt’s at the old baby grand, and I immediately wonder if he’ll get the same comments about connection to the audience that Scott got. In his suit, he looks much more Michael Bublé than Justin Timberlake. He’s playing well, but a few of the notes sound really wonky. Then he hits the chorus, and as with most guys, he gets better there. Kara gives him many praises, and ends with “amazing”. Paula loves his authenticity and honesty. Simon gives him kudos for his vocals, and says that tonight he outsang Adam. Then he makes my same comparison to Michael Bublé. Ha! Randy brings up both Bublé and Timberlake, and how Matt can span the miles between those two.

Recaps: Michael seems awkward and nervous. Allison went all country rock. Kris made squishy faces while he was a boring balladeer. Lil wasn’t boring, but she seemed bored. Adam’s burning ring of fire was just plain weird. Scott blinded blindly through inspirational music. Alexis begged Jolene to leave her man alone. Danny was great as usual. Anoop surprised with softness. Megan Joy bleated her way through the flu. Matt played the piano and got all falsetto at the end.

Whoo, tough choices this week. I’m hoping this week we’ll go back to the bottom-three system. My bottom-dwellers are going to be Megan, Michael, and Kris, with flu-ridden Megan going home.

OMG! It’s time for the finals, guys! Top 13 ahoy!

West coast be warned: the full show runs until 10:04pm. My TiVo stopped at 10:00.

The show starts with the most awkward zoom shot of Seacrest, followed by the cameraman adjusting the focus. What a fantastic beginning! The judges then emerge from the center stage doors, with some announcer dude calling their names. Then Seacrest gets to come down this magnificent staircase. Apparently, “Simon wanted to create a very interesting entrance.”

The judges are asked for some words. Randy says the kids have to “bring it hard”. Kara’s going to be harder on them. Paula, who is wearing an exploded bird on her shoulder, wants the contestants to not be afraid to use the stage. Simon wants everyone to remember their words and not get swallowed up by the stage.

Then it’s time to introduce the top 13. Scott has a seeing-eye hunk as usual. Some of the outfits are hideously ugly. They line up, and Simon springs yet another big announcement — TWO people will be going home tomorrow.

Tonight the kids will be singing the music of Michael Jackson. Great, yes, let’s get into the themes as early as possible! We see a package about MJ, and get to see him wearing several … well, they’re not exactly codpieces. I guess it’s more like a golden Speedo over the top of his pants. Either way, total fashion don’t.

1. Lil Rounds: We get recaps about her being a mother of three, as well as how the tornado destroyed their house and they’re living in a hotel. That’s some rough stuff. Tonight she’ll be tackling “The Way You Make Me Feel”. And she’s doing it while wearing a TERRIBLE outfit. White high-waisted, pleated, tapered-ankle pants. A pale pink top, strapless save for a huge fluffy ruffle over one shoulder. Good lord, is she trying to channel 1987? She’s singing all right, but I think it’s too high for her. I want to hear her all low and growly, and this is more mid-range and shouty. And it ends in a typically bad Idol-arrangement way. Randy once again claims that this is the way we kick off season eight (he’s said that several times before) and gives her kudos. Kara hopes to get to hear her on the radio. Paula compliments the soft palette of her outfit and gives props to the “glam squad”. Simon thought the song choice was a little bit lazy, and he hates her outfit.

2. Scott MacIntyre: He’s been nearly blind since birth. His sister is also visually impaired! And they play music as a family. Tonight he’s singing “Keep the Faith” from the album Dangerous. I don’t think I know this one. He’s sitting at the big nice piano, and you can see how much more comfortable he is there. He does a good job with the song, and he’s totally safe as houses. The crowd goes bananas, and Kara has to shout them down to be quiet. She’s glad we all got a chance to see him at the piano, and loves the hopeful message in the song that he chose. Paula says it’s “magical to see your instrument at your fingertips” (heh). Simon hated the song, because nobody knows it. Randy found the performance a little too safe.

3. Danny Gokey: He appears to have a humungous family, and they’re big on singing. And making up songs about mundane crap. I kind of dig it. He’s reaching back to 1983 with “PYT”. He starts out weird and slow and such, but then he rocks into it. His voice is totally on, and he dances like a total geekdork. Oh my, he uses a new section of stage — the contestants can totally walk straight out to the judges’ table! There appears to no longer be that stretch of stage behind the judges, but a huge lowered floor right up in the judges’ grill. Paula dances her face off. She’s also first up for commentary — she tells him he’s on the way to the finals, while sounding like she’s choking on tears. Simon calls the vocals brilliant, but calls the dancing hideous. Randy loves on the uptempo performance, and digs the passionate, un-choreographed feel to the dancing. Kara loves how much joy he has.

4. Michael Sarver: His personal tragedy is not having a father for much of his upbringing. Does everyone in this show have a personal tragedy? Anyhoo, his roughneck compatriots seem happy to see him, and are totes supporting him. Tonight he’ll be singing “You Are Not Alone”. He starts out sitting on the stairs, while looking longingly into the camera. He totally needs to go to the Constantine school of camera-eye contact. It really reads as false. He sings pretty well, but you can tell how terrified he is. His microphone hand is shaking, and his voice has a couple of quivers. Much of the song is shouty, and his movements are way more spastic than Danny’s “dancing”. Simon says he makes up for not being the best singer with his passion, heart, and he gives it 110% (ooh, peeve). Randy tells him, “So far, you’re definitely one of the best”. After four performances, Randy? Such high praise! Kara feels that tonight, he showed her he really can sing. Paula still sounds on the brink of tears, and babbles about how lovely he was tonight.

5. Jasmine Murray: She’s on the stools, and gets asked about the “glam squad” experience. They get hair and costume advice, and they get to keep the clothes. She’s the baby of her family, and they’re a close-knit bunch. She’s a minor, so her mom will be here with her for the long haul. Her song is “I’ll Be There”. It’s a pleasant and boring ballad. She’s wearing a short little pink dress that would look great over a pair of jeans (but seems a mite too short as she’s wearing it, bare-legged), and earrings the size of saucers. Near the end she hits a couple of notes that are slightly off, but it’s adequate. Randy calls her performance “a pretty good job”, which is apt. Kara would have liked it pitched a half-key down (very good note). Paula thought there were bright moments and a couple of flat moments. Simon calls it a little robotic at times, and recommends she act her age, instead of like a little girl trying to be a grown-up. Snaps!

6. Kris Allen: He’s from a small town … but not too small. His father played music in the church. He’s married for 5 months, and his new wife is a cute little blonde named Katy. How Arkansas! He’ll be playing the electric-acoustic guitar and singing “Remember the Time”. Man, the verse on this song is musically boring. And the chorus is verbally boring. He lets the backup singers handle the bulk of the chorus. I think some people will really like this performance. Me, it’s not my bag. Kara is happy to see him with the guitar, and thinks the girlies love him. She also points out that Kris helped out a lot of the other contestants this week. Paula and Simon get into a dumbass thing with her godawful outfit. Then she tells Kris that he’s sexy. Simon calls it a bit clumsy, since the song isn’t really suited to the guitar. He also comments that the wife card shouldn’t have been played yet. Randy calls the performance “Jason Mraz-y”.

7. Allison Iraheta: Her parents are from El Salvador. And since she was a kid, she’s been singing at … a furniture store? Tonight she’s singing “Give In to Me”. The drums, the guitars … it’s like butt rock from the mid 80s. Her outfit isn’t as bad as some, but it’s still weird, what with the sparkly short-shorts over jeans and too many chains hanging from her belt. It’s a decent performance, but it feels totally dated. There’s nothing modern about it. Paula loves it, tells her to stay true to who she is. Simon wants her to lighten up a bit, but is glad she knows who she is as a performer. Randy thinks she could sing anything, and labels her as one to watch. Kara loves the rocker thing, and wants her to keep it up.

8. Anoop Desai: He’s interviewed on the stools, but I miss it all because I’m dicking around with the caps lock on this tiny computer. Onward to his package! (Heh.) He’s an only child. His parents tried to teach him a lot about Indian culture, and are tickled that he’s living the American dream. He’s going to take on “Beat It”. He marches out with the microphone in a stand, and … I don’t know about choosing this song. I like the kid, I think he has a good voice, but this song may be too iconic. I fret that the K word will come out. The background behind him is a weird Matrix-like thing. Simon makes Paula go first for commentary. Paula readies the audience for a boo, then says the song is untouchable, and anything else sounds karaoke. BINGO! Simon takes it further, and calls it horrible — no aggression, all lightweight. Randy calls it the wrong choice, and says karaoke again. Kara agrees with the others, and wanted more variety instead of a straightforward, mechanical performance.

9. Jorge Núñez: Holy crap! I see now that his last name contains TWO special characters, not just one. His big family loves to get together and dance. But they did break apart after his grandfather passed away. But when he made this show, it brought them back together. Tonight he’s doing “Never Can Say Goodbye”. Right off the bat, it’s clear that he’s done his homework as far as looking longingly into the camera. He’s no Constantine yet, but he may be an Ace Young. He turns in a fairly good performance, with most of the notes where they should be. There are a couple of high notes that aren’t quite there, and the ending is the usual crappy Idol ending. Randy wouldn’t have chosen this song for him, because it feels a little old-fashioned. Kara didn’t feel his usual emotional connection. Paula also didn’t feel it, and wondered why he picked the song. Jorge felt it fit his voice better than most. Simon calls it corny, and tells him he’s out of his depth. He also pegs the arrangement as awful.

10. Megan Joy Corkrey: She’s on the stools, and it turns out she was pushed into auditioning by her friends, and she’s never really performed on stage before. And her outfit is terrible. In her package, we find out that she’s tried out for musicals and choirs before, but never got anything. She also didn’t do well at marriage; she’s divorced now. She misses her kid, like every other contestant. She’s going to sing “Rockin’ Robin”, which was done by the Jackson 5. Really? This counts as part of the Michael Jackson catalog? What a horrifying choice. I need to take my mind off the singing, so I’ll comment on her outfit. A too-short red dress, with a ginormous flower thing on the side of her torso, with straps made of braided mummy’s rags. Fugly. Oh, she’s still singing. Okay, on to her dancing. It’s like the twist, done by someone with no coordination whatsoever. She seems SO uncomfortable. And ends the song with “CAW, CAW!” I mean … does she even CARE? Does she give a crap at all about doing well? Sure doesn’t seem so. Kara liked that she injected her personality and made the song “so Megan”. Paula loves her quirky and unique tone, and tells her she picked the right song. Simon pegs it as a stupid song choice, and nails her dancing as ridiculous. Randy thought it was a poor song choice. Then Simon turns to Gordon Freakin’ Ramsay in the audience and asks what HE thought. Gordon says something which we can’t hear, since he’s not near a microphone. I’m guessing it was pro-Megan, because Simon then says he’s doesn’t know what he’s talking about. HEE!

11. Adam Lambert: He moved to Hollywood right after school, but it’s hard to make a living as an artist in Hollywood. His parents seem really supportive and down-to-earth, and there’s really no whiff of a personal tragedy. He’s singing “Black and White” for us. He sings it well, but it’s very Broadway, and I wonder if he’ll ever be able to shed that distinctive sound. At one point it sounds like he sings, “I ain’t scared of no brother, I ain’t scared of no cheese”. I had to go look it up — it’s “sheets”. He finishes with some flat shouted notes, and the audience goes ape-crazy. Paula tells him that in all of American Idol ever, she’s never seen anyone so comfortable up on that stage. And again, she sounds on the brink of tears. What’s UP with her? Simon says it was in a totally different league from anything else tonight. Randy continues the love-fest: he could be on the charts right now. Kara closes it out by complimenting notes that Adam hit that she didn’t even know existed.

12. Matt Giraud: He grew up with a strong family, who spent a lot of time together. And he played a lot of shirtless ping pong with his dad. No real personal tragedy here, either. He’s singing “Human Nature” tonight, as he sits at the big ol’ piano. The song is perhaps a half-key too low; the lowest note of each line in the verse is lost. Later on he gets into his falsetto, which is pretty good. His song seems significantly shorter than most of the other contestants’. Randy loves his Justin Timberlake thing. Kara tells him he’s talented, and hopes to see him for many weeks. Paula calls him talented and sexy. Simon calls it good, though hard to follow Adam. He refers to it as a “meat and potatoes” performance.

13. Alexis Grace: She grew up in Memphis, surrounded by Blues. Her dad is a longhair hippie. She’s going to be a great mommy AND accomplish her dreams. And tonight, she’s singing “Dirty Diana”. Oh, and her outfit? UGH. I would describe it as a strapless short-shorts onesie. With a Mr. T-grade wad of bling. The song is all right, although it’s too shouty for her. I want more low and bluesy from this girl, too. Clearly the judges have to hustle through their comments, as we’re now quite short on time. Kara’s glad that she’s back; she’s a naughty girl, and Kara likes it. Paula wants her to watch her oversinging. Simon calls it over the top, and Randy likes the attitude. She’s also stuck with a wonky phone number: IDOLS-36.

TiVo ended recording right as Seacrest was giving the number for Alexis. Fortunately, I was able to hop back to the start of the 10:00 news on Fox, since the tuner hadn’t changed. Tomorrow we’re going to find out about a surprise change in the rules, which involves the judges. Simon isn’t sure the public will love it, and Seacrest says it’ll change the entire theme and concept of the show. I wonder if it’s going to be a So You Think You Can Dance style judgement — America picks the bottom group, but the judges make the final call? We’ll find out tomorrow.

Recaps: Lil tried too hard. Scott picked an unknown song. Danny danced like a delightful dork. Michael felt stilted and awkward. Jasmine was boring. Kris improved with his guitar. Allison rocked like it was 1984. Anoop dared to sing what he shouldn’t have. Jorge never can say goodbye. Megan horrified my very soul. Adam was showy all over the place. Matt channeled his inner Timberlake. Alexis has great legs.

Now, my picks. It sounds like they’re going to do something weird and different, but we won’t know what until tomorrow. And they also said that two people would be going home tomorrow. I’m going to go with Megan, Jasmine, and Michael for my bottom three, with the ladies going home.

Well gang, it’s wildcard time. So now I know how the wildcard round is going to work. And there’s nothing for us to do — it’s all up to the judges. BE WARNED, WEST COAST — the results go 5 minutes into Hell’s Kitchen. TiVo did NOT get it all.

The eight will sing, and then the judges will be selecting the last three members of the top 12.

1. Jesse – “Tell Me Something Good” is a monotonous and plodding song, but she delivers it pretty well. And what a boon, these wildcards get a live band with backup singers! Lucky little devils. She’s made the judges mostly happy, although Simon found it a little indulgent.

2. Matt G. – Mr. Dueling Piano is going to “wow” us with “Who’s Loving You”. He’s all dapper with a hat and fringed scarf, and you can just see him bluesing his face off. Clearly someone told him to bring it tonight, and it is the thing that is being brought. The judges are mostly favorable, and happy with his song choice and the blues feel.

3. Megan – These pre-song interviews are already painful. She’s doing “one of the jammsiest songs around” … which is apparently “Black Horse and Cherry Tree”. This is a HARD song to do well. And she’s not doing it well. You can hear the nerves in her voice, and her moves behind the microphone stand are limpid at best. OHOH OH it’s bad. Her final note stinks. But despite the vocal being poor, the judges are loving her song choice. WTF?

4. Von – He’s going to be himself. Singing “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”. He’s all sensitive and tender and falsetto. His “so sad” part sounds wonky, but then he shouts the hell out of some of it and it’s okay. Simon calls it boring and serious and earnest and ordinary. Quite a mix. Randy and Kara weren’t crazy about the song choice. I fast-forwarded past Paula.

5. Jasmine – Ugh, these interviews. Of COURSE you hope everyone likes what you do. She’s going to pull some Disney out, with “Reflection” from Mulan. She’s mostly on key, but it all sounds really shouty to me. At least until the very end when she gets all soft and sweet. Judges blah blah blah. Simon and Paula get a little bickery, which is always delicious. And what is Paula wearing? Eww. She’s giving Simon indian burns while he’s giving critique. Classy.

6. Ricky – He’s going uptempo with “Superstition”. And he’s wearing skinny jeans, which look terribly wrong on him. You know it’s not that great when you’ve heard a better rendition at The American Idol Experience. I had this guy figured as country music. Wasn’t he? I’m too tired to look back and see. The judges like it, and say he has good chops. Although Simon throws out the K word, and also calls his performance “clumsy”.

7. Tatiana – her pre-sing interview is, of course, the only one worth watching. Her Puerto Rican accent is out in full force, and she babbles some amazing crazy. She’s singing “Saving All My Love for You”, which … isn’t that what she did in week 1? I seem to recall someone doing everyone’s favorite adultery song, and I thought it was Tats. She does a pretty good job with such a huge song. She blames her accent on when she gets excited, and thinks in Spanish. Yes indeed, it was the same song as before, and the judges all give her guff for it.

8. Anoop – he’s the headliner for the night, and was one of my choices for week one. He’s throwing down “My Prerogative”. He’s singing too low, as so many of them do. And the chorus is mostly covered by the backup singers, while he goes around gladhanding. He does hit a great money note, and closes the night out well. He did this song in Hollywood, but the judges seem to be okay with the repeat from him.

And now, the judges’ picks. Jasmine gets called up, then Randy gets to deliver a classic fakeout. She’s in the top 12. Next up is Ricky, and Kara shoots him down. Megan and Tatiana come down from the couches together, and Paula hems and haws about keeping your dreams alive before she tells us that Megan will be in the top 12. We go to commercial, and the TiVo shuts off.

Fortunately, I recorded Hell’s Kitchen, so I got the last few minutes. Jesse is a no. Von is a no. It’s down to Matt G. and Anoop. Simon immediately tells Matt he’s in. Intriguing. Then the bombshell — they’ve decided to make it a top 13, and Anoop is in too. Everyone goes apeshit, Seacrest out.

Dudes! The new season of America’s Next Top Model is on at the same time as this results show. I’m like a happy little piggy, rolling around in reality TV slop.

Recaps, group sings, and other things are utterly fast-forwardable. At 17 minutes in, Seacrest has Lil Rounds stand up, and immediately sends her to the top 12. I do applaud them for changing it up every week. Lil sings, then we get straight into results again. Arianna, Taylor, Alex, Kendall and Scott all stand up; one of them is in the top 12. After the break, they get their recaps and are shot down one by one, until it’s down to Kendall and Scott. Unsurprisingly, Scott is the one sent through to the top 12.

Commercials, then it’s Nathaniel and Kristin. Neither of them, of course, made it. Then we skip over Ju’not and Jorge, and go to Felicia and Von (I want to type that “Vaughan”). They get their recaps, and like the two before, their butts go right back to the couch. Then Seacrest calls Ju’not and Jorge center stage, and with 20 minutes left in the show, announces Jorge as the third person moving to the top 12.

Now, says Seacrest, let’s get to the wild card show. There’s a group upstairs from the previous two weeks, and some of tonight’s rejects may be included. Let’s find out after the break!

Post-break, we’re re-introduced to the 9 finalists so far. From the crowd upstairs, the judges will select eight people to come back TOMORROW NIGHT to sing again. The picks are: Von Smith, Jasmine Murray, Ricky Braddy, Megan Joy Corkrey, Tatiana Del Toro, Matt Giraud, Jesse Langseth, and Anoop Desai.

Jorge sings us out. Man, now I have to do a recap of tomorrow night! I checked the TiVo to make sure it’s all set. Looks like a mere 1-hour performance show, which is a welcome length.

Week 3! Final group of 12! There’s very little preamble to comment on, so … off we go!

1. Von Smith: He’s the “indulgent nonsense” kid. He’ll be singing Marvin Gaye, which is always a dicey proposition for these kids. He starts out with some wonky low notes, but eventually makes it into the higher notes, where he’s clearly more comfortable. He’s all right, I guess, but not my cup of tea. But I give him props for staying mostly in tune. The weirdest thing is that his song feels longer than it should be, and has like two fake endings before it actually ends. Randy gives him props for finally kicking off a show well. Kara finds him more comfortable. Paula calls him memorable. Simon compares him to Clay Aiken — singing well, but dressing “appalling”.

2. Taylor Vaifanua: I don’t recall her at all from the previous rounds. She’s singing Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”, a song which is “totally her”. I’m distracted by her outfit, which is some kind of short cocktail dress over a cheap tee-shirt and leather leggings. Then I’m distracted by how she can’t handle the lower notes in her song. Why do they always pitch too low? She hits the higher notes all right, but it’s kind of boring overall. Kara wants more personality. Paula is perplexed, since they heard this same song in Hollywood week. Simon couldn’t remember her from the previous rounds, and calls her performance bland and generic. They kick into the post-judging music stinger, then Randy gets his chance to repeat what’s been said before.

3. Alex Wagner-Trugman: He’s been reading on the internets that people find him “dorky”, so he’s been going to the gym. He’s going to do “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues”. He’s using the microphone stand, and from the get-go he’s oversinging and breaking his voice and doing just plain weird stuff. It’s almost as weird a vocal performance as Nick/Norman turned in, but at least N/N was intentionally comedic. This kid is going hella overboard and is totally sincere about it. I’m going to wager that the word “karaoke” will come out of Simon’s mouth. Paula calls him “the showman”. Simon says he was fun to watch, but not to listen to, and calls part of the singing “ridiculous growling”. Indeed. Randy calls it “crazy in a buck wild kind of way”. What? Kara enjoyed his choreography. So … was he doing all of that as a joke? Or for realsies? I’m confused.

4. Arianna Afsar: She has a vaguely familiar look from previous rounds. She’s going to do the first-ever ABBA song on Idol — “The Winner Takes It All”. She’s using a mic stand, so it’s not a dynamic performance. She’s singing with a country twang, and sounds at times like she has a bubble of spit caught in her throat. Actually, I think she’s really nervous — she has that distinctive quiver in her voice. I don’t know this song, but musically it sounds kind of like The Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You”. I don’t think it was a good song choice, and I don’t think she did all that great. Simon cuts it down in several ways. Randy says it wasn’t the right song. Kara wants her to be more like a beam of sunshine, cute as a button, instead of the dark and depressing performance she just gave. Paula tries to add a little cheer, saying there were “bright moments”, but also criticizes the song choice.

5. Ju’not Joyner: All I remember about this guy is his name with the apostrophe in it. And if you know me at all, you know I’m anti-apostrophe in names. Anyhoo, he’s yet another kid with a kid, and he’ll be singing “Hey There Delilah”. And again with the microphone stand! What’s up with this group? So much use of the Performance Inhibitor™. The song is boring, his performance is boring, he looks half-asleep, and he’s both flat and sharp in places. Although he does hit a couple of decent money notes near the end. Randy appreciates the way he pulled back, and loves the song. Kara likes his spin on the song. Paula likes the liberties he took. Simon says it was better than he thought it would be, although a little bit safe. What? Am I the only one who thought it was boring and maudlin? Hmm, I guess so.

Commercials: How is it that Hell’s Kitchen and Top Chef both have supposedly professional chefs as contestants, but the folks on Hell’s Kitchen always seem much more classless, trashy, and ugly?

6. Kristen McNamara: Her purple hair was a “boo-boo”. Her group experience included a toxic drama queen and Nathaniel the freak. And tonight she’s singing Tracey Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Yet ANOTHER microphone stand. The backing track starts out, and I know immediately that it’s going to be a soulless and crappy arrangement. And yes! Soulless is a perfect word! There’s not a single hint of the bluesy goodness that made this song excellent. She’s also changing the melody in spots, making it much more monotone. Some of her big money notes were sub-par at the end, too. Kara wanted to hear more of a Kelly Clarkson or Pink feel — more rock. Paula was expecting much the same. Simon describes her outfit as something her mum styled for a pageant. Randy is also unsure who she is, and accuses her of doing too much. And finally, the word “karaoke” is uttered.

7. Nathaniel Marshall: This is one of the kids who I don’t think should have gone through. He’s OK, but he’s not that great — better singers were let go. But he’s going to do Meat Loaf’s “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” and he gets the name wrong when he tells us what he’s singing. That’s always a good sign. This has all the makings of a great trainwreck. He starts out all soft and Broadwaylicious. Then it gets even MORE Broadway. And he dances like a drag queen. Overall it’s much worse than the original, which is something I never thought possible. Simon thinks the majority will find it excruciating, and hates on his outfit. Randy likes him, but is perplexed by the song choice. Apparently it’s a song that Nathaniel and his mother would dance around to. Kara wants him to be more serious. Paula thought he was cool and bold in Hollywood, but this was like a Boy George version of the song, without any cool factor. Wow, Paula kind of made good sense there.

8. Felicia Barton: Yet another stay-at-home mom. She actually didn’t make it into the top 36 originally, but was called in as an alternate. More Alicia Keys — she’s doing “No One”. She’s totally oversinging the hell out of the song, filling it with twang and breaks and runs and crap. The tempo feels really weird, like it needs to either be sped up or slowed down. We get to see her husband (who needs a haircut desperately) and son. Paula likes her. Simon thought the first part was better than the second, and calls it a bit copycat. Randy calls it “hot”. Kara likes her look, her attitude, her presence, and really noticed her for the first time tonight.

9. Scott MacIntyre: Blind kid! If he does well at all, he’s totally moving to the top 12. He’s made the intriguing choice of “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby. He’s out there on a stool, probably having been led there by his seeing-eye hunk. The arrangement is kind of bland, and he’s just all right — he’s actually not the greatest singer, but he has such a great story. And of course, when he’s done singing the crowd goes bananas for him. Randy says it wasn’t a perfect vocal, but when he got it right, he really got it right. Kara applauds how much he sings from his heart, and wants America to put him through so we can hear him play and sing. Paula loves all over him. Simon wasn’t crazy about the song, but says Scott is growing on him.

10. Kendall Beard: She’s the cute little blonde who auditioned in Puerto Rico. She’s going to sing some Martina McBride crap. And every time she’s moved on, her dad has done his alligator dance. WEIRD. Oh, hey, I’ve heard this song before. Still crap, but it’s crap I’ve heard. She’s all over the place, and the backup singers in the chorus just emphasize how far off she is. Even her powerful money notes are pitchy. Kara applauds her personality, despite the issues with notes. Paula loves her outfit (Really, Paula? The wildflower belt?) and calls her adorable. Simon gives her props for picking a cute country song, but halfway through couldn’t wait for it to end. Randy also likes that she’s one of the first people who seem to know who they are as a singer.

11. Jorge Nuñez: I went and made a special trip out to get the n with the tilde. Yay, special characters! He’s going to give America a little “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me”. Hopefully it’ll be full of spicy Latin flavor. First off, kid needs some manscaping — his eyebrows are almost Sylar-sized. And he has a droopy eyelid, which is distracting. He’s singing all right — for the most part, he’s in tune. There are a few spots where his pronunciation is a bit wonky, but overall he does a decent job. But the song itself is somewhat boring, especially the American Idol arrangement. Paula’s terribly proud of all his hard work, and just wants to squeeze him. Simon thinks they were wrong to ask him to work on his accent. Randy calls his vocal really, really good. Kara brings it home by telling him that he’s born to sing. Then he starts crying, and the she-judges turn to mush. He blubbers in happy Spanish, and it’s kind of adorable.

12. Lil Rounds: Of course, they’re giving this girl the headliner spot. And of course, she’s going to do some Mary J. Blige (I always try to write that as “bilge”). I hate the weird syncopation of the song, but she does a great job — great tone, no nerves, it’s definitely the best performance of the night. Simon keeps it brief: “brilliant”. Although he warns her against Blige, since Lil sounds so Blige-like. Randy agrees, and says she didn’t lose her swagger tonight. Kara calls her a powerhouse. Paula calls her first-class, and has a “sneaking suspicion we’ll see her for many more Lil Rounds.” Clever, Paula!

Recaps: Von had a high boy-voice. Taylor had leather leggings. Alex took it a spaz too far. Arianna tried to be too big. Ju’not was boring and bland. Kristen filled my soul with meh. Nathaniel won’t do that. Felicia was uneventful. Scott’s a shoo-in. Kendall is all perky sunshine. Jorge was decent. Lil kicked eight kinds of ass.

I’m pretty sure Scott and Lil are guaranteed to move on. So now I have to decide on a third. I think it’s either going to be the country of Kendall or the foreignness of Jorge, since both are bound to have strong followings. But since the two previous weeks have been two boys and a girl, I’m going to keep the streak alive and go with Jorge.

Things start off awkward again, with Seacrest asking, “What have you DONE?” The question is meant to be asked of the audience, but he points it right at Nick. Our sentiments exactly, Seacrest.

Seacrest chats strangely with the judges, including commentary about how Simon is “different” this season. It sounds like Seacrest is trying to talk about Simon having … a sunburn? But he’s not really sunburnt? I don’t get it. Anyhoo, we move on to a montage of how the kids got to this point, then it’s group-sing (and fast-forward) time.

After the break, we see the group pre-show in makeup, talking about how nervous they are. Then we see recaps of performances, and GOOD GRAVY was there some bad stuff up there. I’ll be surprised if any of us gets all three choices tonight, there’s such a mixed bag.

Seacrest chats up the contestants, and I fast-forward. First up on the chopping block is Allison. She gets her recaps and is asked to stand aside. Then Jesse is brought down to stand next to Allison. Matt B then comes down and joins them. Seacrest asks Randy, which of these three will be in the top three? Why, it’s Allison.

Next up, Megan and Kris come center stage. Then get their recaps, and are asked to stand aside. Then Matt G and Jeanine come down from the couches. After their recaps, they join the other two. One of these kids is in the top 12. Paula is asked who she’d pick, and she names everyone but Jeanine. Nice. Seacrest sends Jeanine back to the couches, followed by Matt G. It’s down to Megan and Kris, and we kill more time by watching the other judges get upset with Simon. And shock of shocks, Kris moves on to the top 12. WTF, America?

Before we move on to the last person in the top 12, we have 20 minutes to fill. There’s a montage of past Idol moments, worthy of my fast-forward button. Then there’s a performance by Brooke White, her first single. I fast-forwarded through that too.

Next up, the remaining five contestants are called down. Mishavonna, Kai, and Jasmine get their recaps — Seacrest actually walks past Nick and Adam in the middle, which leads me to believe they’ll be the last two standing. And indeed, they’re all sent back to the couches. We’re down to Nick and Adam, so at least I’ll get one pick right this week.

After a break, they get their recaps. There’s a tense millisecond, then Nick is sent back to the couches. Will he be back for the wildcard group? Only time will tell. Adam sings his song again, then we find out that the judges will bring back specific people for the wildcard round who they feel deserve a second chance.

Next week’s group includes Nathaniel the Drama Queen, blind Scott, and a bunch of other kids who are made to dance like complete freakin’ idiots.

It’s time for Idol! My joints are swollen so I’m typing very slow, and I’m on something called Hydroxyzine, which is designed to make me non-itchy, or drowsy, or not-anxious. So this should be awesome.

Seacrest is extra awkward tonight. Where can you find a welder? A comedian? A font designer? Nowhere! … but here! That just doesn’t sound right.

The judges’ intros and comments are making me sleepy, so I’m fast-fowarding a bit.

1. Jasmine Murray: Cute and a fan favorite (I believe), but she’s put in an awkward position, first out of the gate. She’s going to do Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song,” a song we’ve heard a lot lately. And she starts TERRIBLY. Too low, totally flat. Oh noes! Flat, flat, flat. Agonizing. This is worse than karaoke, and I can’t imagine the judges liking it. Randy calls it pitchy, and not the right song. Kara calls her commercial, but says it was all over the place, and she started too low. Paula wants to disagree, but can’t. And Simon is disappointed because he likes her, but she doesn’t have a great voice. At least she doesn’t have to go upstairs and be mobbed by family members.

2. Matt Giraud: The dueling piano player, who now looks kind of hagged-out. I don’t know. He’s going to do some Coldplay, but with a “soulful twist.” He’s using the microphone stand, also known as the Performance Inhibitor™. He sounds nervous as hell, and kind of flat. And this song is musically totally boring. I can’t decide if he’s even worse than Jasmine. Kara wanted a different style. Paula … I spaced out, and I’m not rewinding. Simon calls him an uncool wannabe pop star (I originally wrote poop star, but fixed it … maybe I shouldn’t fix these things). Randy wants him to do more difficult songs. Matt also gets to stay downstairs. Will there be no more parental coddling upstairs after the kids perform?

3. Jeanine Vailes: I don’t recall much of her from the audition weeks. She’s going to do Maroon 5′s “This Love,” like she’s some kind of Blake Lewis or something. Her shorts are really short, and her legs are really long. And she’s … less flat than the previous two. But she’s still flat, and all over the place, and again it’s the completely wrong song selection. But it’s the best tonight, which isn’t saying much. Paula compliments her legs, says it’s season 8, then passes it to Simon. Of course, Simon calls it terrible, and says that everyone tonight is choosing the wrong song. Simon also compliments her legs. Randy agrees about the legs, and the badness of the song. Kara agrees.

4. Nick Mitchell: AKA Norman Gentle. I still don’t know what to think about this guy. I hate his schtick, but his voice occasionally surprises me. He’s wearing his khaki shorts and shiny shirt, but with a white waiter’s jacket over the top. He’s more on-key than anyone else so far, but he’s singing way up in his nose. He crawls all over, calls out NPH as “Doogie,” and entertains the hell out of the crowd. Simon starts with comments, and prays that he doesn’t move through to the next round. Nick calls him “Sassypants.” Randy gives him props for one of the most entertaining performances ever. Kara calls him memorable, and Paula pretty much says it’s up to America. Then the post-sing interview is long and drawn out and I can barely keep my eyelids open.

5. Allison Iraheta: She’s 16, with awesome Kool-Aid©™® red hair. And her mouth is totally awkward, because she has braces on her lower teeth, but not her uppers. I recall seeing her in the previous rounds, but I don’t remember much about her. She’s going to do Heart’s “Alone,” another tough song. She starts with the mike stand, and of course, she’s singing too low. She does drop the mike stand for the chorus, but there’s something off about it — “pitchy”, as Randy would say. Man, nobody’s nailing it so far tonight. Randy tells her she “blew it out the box.” What? He also says she “might be one of the hottest tonight”. Just might, mind you. He clearly hasn’t made up his mind. Kara fawns, Paula fawns, even Simon fawns. But the best tonight doesn’t mean so much, seeing what all has come before.

6. Kris Allen: A kid from Arkansas who I don’t recognize. In Hollywood, he sang and played a guitar with big lengths of extra guitar string hanging off the end. Classy. He’s going to sing “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson, and I can’t help but think the song choice is a horrible mistake. Let’s see. The first line has a note too low, of course. He sounds nervous and shaky. At least the chorus is mostly on pitch. Mostly. He does get better, and the performance eventually becomes decent. Kara agrees, the back half was better. She also agrees, wrong song. Paula disagrees, loves the song, thinks he nailed it. Simon agrees with Paula (what?) and she smooches him. Randy sort of agrees.

7. Megan Joy Corkrey: I remember her unique audition in SLC. Very different. Yet another single mother missing her kid. She’s going to do “Put Your Records On,” a song which I like. I have high hopes for this one. She standing behind the mike stand, with weirdly curled hair. Her performance is weirdly over-enunciated (and that’s coming from me, a totally anal enunciator). It’s just generally … awkward. Her movements are stiff and awkward, and the sound coming out of her isn’t the same cool hip thing from before. Now it’s more like a stilted Broadway delivery. Paula says she picked the right song and did everything right. Simon calls her a “funny little thing,” then says she oversang and shouted the second part of the song. He hopes America votes for her. Randy likes it, and Kara calls her “packaged.” Hmm.

8. Matt Breitzke: Ah, our other tough workingman. The welder to mirror last week’s roughneck. He’s going to sing Tonic’s “If You Could Only See,” a song I really really like. He’s using the mike stand, and it makes his dancing awkward. But he sound pretty good, although I wish he’d transcribed it up a little higher. He biffs a couple of notes, but on the whole sounds … all right. Biggest problem is that he’s not a performer — his facial expressions and movements are terribly odd. Simon hated the song, but likes Matt. He finds the song boring and unsuitable. Randy wanted it to be cooler, Kara wants to see different sides of him, Paula feels the song didn’t celebrate who they fell in love with.

9. Jesse Langseth: Is a girl. But I always thought of “Jesse” as the boy variation of the name, like in the Rick Springfield classic “Jesse’s Girl.” The she-Jesse should be Jessie, like Cowgirl Jessie. But I digress. Another single mother who misses her kid, like every other woman on this show. What the heck?! She made it in after a sing-off, and is going to do “Bette Davis Eyes” tonight. Hello, 1981! I’m so used to Kim Carnes’ gravelly delivery on this song, this feels really karaoke. She hits a couple of dud notes later on, and the ending trails off weirdly. The edits of these songs are always so strange. Randy thought it was cool and OK, but not really exciting. Kara compliments her look, and there were likeable moments. Paula finds her captivating. Simon thinks she’s forgettable, although she has a nice voice.

Commercials: Dunkin’ Donuts has a waffle breakfast sandwich. The buns are waffles. Why has nobody thought of this before? BRILLIANT! If only I ate the gluten.

10. Kai Kalama: He was encouraged to “dirty it up,” and watch Simon for confidence lessons. He’s going to sing “What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted,” which strikes me as a bad choice. However, the modern songs aren’t hitting tonight; maybe something more classic will actually work. First off, it appears that he thinks “confidence” mean sneering. He sings all right, but it’s a boring performance. Most of his notes are where they should be, and I’m yawning. Kara likes him, but he had some pitch issues for her. She also finds the song too old-fashioned. Paula thinks it’s obvious that he likes the “throwback” songs, and calls him “quite the performer.” Really? Really, Paula? Simon calls it corny and wedding/hotel quality. Spot on. Randy agrees with “Sime-dog.” Really? Really, Randy?

11. Mishavonna Henson: She made it to Hollywood last year, and worked on improving herself all year long. She’s going to sing Train’s “Drops of Jupiter,” another 90s hit that could be hit-or-miss. Her voice is good, and I’d love to hear her sing something from the 40s. But like many of the 90s songs today, it’s not musically very thrilling. The “eh-eh-eh” parts are weird, and it’s another odd trailing-off ending. Paula dogs on the song choice, it wasn’t exciting. It left Simon cold; he found it too serious. Randy agrees with Simon that she sings much older than she is. Finally, Kara loves the song but doesn’t like how uptight and put-together the girl is.

12. Adam Lambert: This is the guy who’s been in Wicked, and does indeed sound a bit too Broadway at times. Although he acknowledges that he needs to make his performance not so big, since in this venue he’s right in our faces. He’s going to do the Stones’ “Satisfaction,” which may be yet another awful song choice. It starts out weird and low and slow. Then it gets louder, faster, and boring. He’s gong way overboard again, it’s very Broadway, then it gets all funky and strange. Still, the audience is all standing and clapping, and it’s one of the best performances on this very mundane and sub-par night. Paula loves. Simon finds it difficult, torn between bad and brilliant. Randy loves. Kara loves.

Recaps: Jasmine stinks. Matt G blows. Jeanine has legs. Nick wears sweatbands. Allison shouts. Kris isn’t awful. Megan Joy sounds totally off. Matt B is boring. Jesse could be good. Kai shouldn’t have done a “classic.” Mishavonna did all right. Adam did Broadway wailing.

Now it’s time to make my picks. I think Adam is a given. I’m torn between Jesse and Mishavonna for the top girl. Guess I’ll go with Mishavonna. And then, for me, it’s a tough choice between two guys who are probably fan favorites — Nick and Matt B. I’m going to go completely insane and pick Nick as my third choice, because I’m hopped up on too many meds and I think America is all too good at making weird and wrong choices.