Monday

House – Yeah, it’s totally formulaic. Ill person, four or five misdiagnoses, sudden epiphany, resolution. I’m still not sick of the formula, and it’s probably because Hugh Laurie is just so damned good. This season, Lisa Edelstein is on the way out, and a couple of new faces (including Odette Annable from the charming Breaking In, which we’ll totally be watching when it returns midseason) are joining the crew. (October 3)

Castle – If you don’t find Nathan Fillion charming, there may be something wrong with you. I’d advise seeing a doctor for that. Last season ended with a great cliffhanger — I know Beckett isn’t going to die, but I get to puzzle and wonder about how things will fall out with an injury, a new boss, and certain confessions. Wheeee! (September 19)

Terra Nova – Okay, so because the world is trashed, some colonists go 85 million years back in time to settle on prehistoric Earth. With dinosaurs and stuff. Say no more, sign me up. I’m just hoping I can suspend my disbelief regarding the time-travel paradox, because we haven’t found any 85-million-year-old human skeletons alongside the dinosaurs. I also hope it’s not too super-serious like Falling Skies was. (September 26)

Tuesday

The Biggest Loser – I’m not ashamed of my love for reality. Even though we only started watching this show in its 7th season, we’ve watched them all since. It’ll be weird without Jillian getting all up in the contestants’ heads. I usually disagree strongly with the nutritional aspects, but overall it’s compelling reality TV. I also wish the episodes were only an hour, but what can you do. (September 20)

Ringer – I just don’t know about this one, so I’ll give it a shot. I didn’t watch Buffy, so for me, Sarah Michelle Gellar is still Erika Kane’s daugher on All My Children. The concept is interesting, and the divinely-eyelashed Nestor Carbonell co-stars. (September 13)

New Girl – I’m so torn on this. It’s a half-hour sitcom, which I rarely watch. And I’m not all that big on Zooey Deschanel (not her fault — she was just so miscast in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy). But the promos intrigue me, so I’ll tuck it in on the side. It’ll be like TV Jell-O. (September 20)

Body of Proof – I actually didn’t expect this show to get picked up. I guess it did better than we thought. Dana Delaney’s character got a little more human throughout the first short season, which was good — she was pretty unlikeable at the start. We’ll keep it recording, but it’s probably not going to be at the top of the to-watch list. (September 20)

Wednesday

Survivor – I don’t think I’ve missed an episode of this show. Like, ever. Call it a guilty pleasure if you will. They’re continuing with last season’s trends: Redemption Island, and two returning players. Also, Russell Hantz’s nephew is playing. Will he keep that under his hipster hat? (September 14)

The X Factor – What do you think — will it suck? Will it rock? I love the idea of allowing contestants over 28. And it looks like the judges will do some mentoring (like The Voice) instead of just offering meaningless nattering (like American Idol). I’ve also missed Simon’s acid tongue. (September 21)

America’s Next Top Model – I completely missed last season, because the show was on at the same time as two other programs. But this season (or “cycle”) is all-stars, and so must not be missed. The prizes have been tweaked, and now include the potential to become a correspondent for Extra. Which is smart, because some of these chicks are 30 years old by now. (September 14)

Thursday

Grey’s Anatomy – I think I’m really watching this show out of habit by this point. They’ve jumped so many sharks, it could be a SeaWorld show. The music is always good, though. And I always enjoy McSteamy. (September 22)

Prime Suspect – Never saw the original BBC show, but I’ve heard that it’s kick-ass. How can it not be, with Helen Mirren. I’ve heard good things about the US version, which is a surprising change from how things usually go when we transport shows in from across the pond. (September 22)

Person of Interest – A show from Bad Robot starring Michael Emerson. That’s all I need to know to rush to the TiVo. Sounds like kind of a Minority Report-esque predictive crime drama. Oh, and apparently the pilot tested so well, CBS bounced CSI from the time slot it held for 10 years to make room. (September 22)

Archer – If you’re not watching this show, DO IT. NOW. The best animated show on TV, and one of the few half-hours I watch. It’s the perfect mix of brilliant, funny, and shocking. Three episodes will air in September, with the rest of the season following in 2012. (September 15)

Friday

Fringe – An awesome show where awesome stuff happens. Last season ended with a doozy of a cliffhanger, and I have NO IDEA how things are going to play out. But I can’t wait to see. (September 23)

Grimm – A cop drama that takes place in an alternate universe where Grimm’s-inspired characters exist. Extra bonus: Pacific Northwest location. My hopes are X-Files meets Eureka. My guess is, by the time this starts airing, we’ll have a spot cleared out for it due to a September show not catching our interest. (October 21)

Saturday

Um … yeah. Nothing. Which is usually the case. Looks like the networks are airing mostly football and repeats.

Sunday

Once Upon a Time – Somewhere in Maine, there’s apparently a town that’s a crossover point between the real world and the fairy tale world. Disney has given their blessing to use their versions of the classic fairy tale characters, and Damon Lindelof is a producer. So this could be great. It could also be a big horrible mixup of weird. (October 23)

The Amazing Race – We’re up to season 19 already?! That’s incredible. This is the best reality show on TV, and I’m nowhere near tired of it yet. Contestants this time around include former Survivor winners Ethan and Jenna, who are dating in real life. So maybe this season there will be at least one “dating couple” who I can stand. (September 25)

Pan Am – No, I haven’t seen Mad Men. So this would be my first ’60s period drama. We’ll see how long it lasts on our recording schedule — reviews so far have been very mixed. (September 25)

Not Watching

Dancing with the Stars – this show has been going downhill for me for the last few seasons, and this time I just don’t have the gumption to watch it. There’s really nobody I’m interested in watching, although if I had to throw my support behind anyone, it’d be either Carson Kressley or Chaz Bono. At least it’ll save 3 hours of TiVo space every week. (September 19)

Charlie’s Angels – I’m sure this will be a perfectly fine reboot. But the producers have gone on the record saying they refuse to do anything “campy or retro”. Where’s the fun in that? Seems like this was MADE for camp. (September 22)

Revenge – A woman moves to the Hamptons and gets … REVENGE! This looks way too serious for me. And a bit too much of the fancy-schmancy rich and famous beautiful people. (September 21)

The Playboy Club – Unlike several “family” organizations, I don’t have a problem with the content. It just doesn’t look that interesting to me. I’ll stick with Pan Am as my period-drama attempt. (September 19)

Unforgettable – A former cop with a medical condition that makes her remember everything joins her ex-boyfriend’s homicide unit to solve crimes. I have a couple of other crimey cop shows, and this sounds like it’s going to be seriously heavy. (September 20)

The Secret Circle – Teenage girl goes to small-town Washington, discovers mysterious magical heritage. Yes, it’s witches instead of vampires, but it still seems a little too Twilight for me. (September 15)

Hart of Dixie – A New York doctor moves to small-town Alabama to work. And her last name is Hart! Nothing about this one speaks to me. (September 26)

H8R – I hadn’t even heard of this show until I looked at the fall schedule. Apparently celebrities get to confront mundanes who “hate” them, to try and convince the haters that the celebrites really aren’t all that bad. This sounds like the worst possible kind of reality show. (September 14)

A Gifted Man – Self-absorbed surgeon becomes a better man when visited by his dead wife’s ghost. Never heard of this one either. Looks heavier than dark matter. (September 23)

Thoughts? Opinions? What will you be watching? What will you definitely NOT be watching?

Boy, I guess scheduling the TiVo won’t be as hard as I thought it would be. What with Lost done, and must-sees like American Idol not showing up until mid-season, there aren’t really any bottlenecks. I only have two brand-new shows on my list, and I don’t necessarily expect them to stay on the list for long. Here’s what we’ll be watching this fall:

Monday
8:00 House (FOX)
10:00 Castle (ABC)

I guess I could record Dancing with the Stars in its two-hour block from 8-10, but there isn’t a single celebrity who interests me this season. I know NBC is desperate for us sci-fi fans to check out The Event, but it doesn’t look interesting either. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll check out the Hawaii Five-0 reboot in the 10pm hour.

Tuesday
8:00 No Ordinary Family (ABC)
8:00 Glee (FOX)
8:00 The Biggest Loser (NBC) (via Hulu the following week)

Here’s the one spot of the week where three shows are on at the same time. But if No Ordinary Family turns out to be a steamer, the problem is solved. Last year, because of Lost, we watched The Biggest Loser via Hulu. They have a one-week delay on the episodes, but nobody spoiled me, and the season rolled on just fine. Not to mention our antenna isn’t that reliable with NBC, so we’d be using Hulu most of the time anyway. In other news, I’m still not sure why I watch Glee. I’ve figured out that I don’t like Matthew Morrison at all, but … I guess the music is usually interesting.

Wednesday
8:00 Survivor (CBS)
8:00 America’s Next Top Model (CW)

Wednesday appears to have become reality night. Survivor moved there from Thursday, which is actually a huge help. There’s also Hell’s Kitchen on at 9, but I removed the season pass halfway through this last season. It’s just a horrible show full of horrible people. Though some might say that about ALL reality TV.

Thursday
8:30 Shit My Dad Says (CBS)
9:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
9:00 Fringe (FOX)

We’ve dropped both CSI and The Office from the Thursday at 9 spot — CSI got boring once William L. Petersen left, and The Office is an NBC show: crappy antenna reception, and available on the Hulu. We’ll try out the new Shatcom, which I prefer to keep profane, but I have a sneaking feeling I’ll find it uncomfortably unfunny, like I find most sitcoms.

Friday
9:00 The Good Guys (FOX)

Wow, Friday. That’s it? Okay then.

Saturday
(rest)

There’s not a single thing. Then again, the schedule has college football listed for ABC, “local” for CW, lots of Cops on FOX, and NBC just reads “repeats” for the whole night. I guess that will be Netflix streaming night. Bring on The IT Crowd!

Sunday
8:00 The Amazing Race (CBS)
9:00 Undercover Boss (CBS)

This is, clearly, feel-good reality night (as opposed to Wednesday, which I’m renaming backstabby reality night). The best reality show on TV (and the only one I’d want to be on), The Amazing Race will always be at the top of our season pass list. And Undercover Boss was charming last season. Hopefully they’ll adjust the formula a little bit, to make it just a splash less treacly.

So that’s what we’ll be watching this season. I keep thinking of trying out Bones, but they have so many seasons under their belt, it’d be hard to start now. Maybe we’ll check it out on DVD. I also keep hearing about Mad Men, but it doesn’t interest me. Not to mention all of the shows on HBO and Showtime, two channels we don’t get. But I think this will be more than enough.

Ten seasons, can you believe it? There are lots of changes this year — the stars are in a new glassed-in holding pen (Bergeron calls it the “celebriquarium”), there are new opening graphics, new graphics for the scoring, and a new co-host. And while Brooke Burke is no Samantha Harris, it appears she’s been taking lessons. She’s very much not good.

There won’t be an elimination this week. We get to see all of the dancers dance, then next week we’ll see them all dance in the opposing style. And then one of our fresh new shufflers will head home. So on with the hoofing!

1. Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke (Cha Cha) – He’s a football player, so I’m sure he’ll get credit for having a great personality, and he’ll get much more slack on the actual dancing than anyone else. Plus, while some people seem to find his whole number-name thing charming, I think it’s dippy and dorky. As for the dancing: he seems bland, and his face seems slack through most of the dance. Stiff, awkward, and overall I give him a 5.

2. Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas (Viennese Waltz) – She’s terrified of performing live, and believes she’ll be covered in hives for the dancing. But she wants to do the show for her dad. I have to applaud that, but I can’t really applaud her dancing. She does have potential, but she needs to get over the nerves that are making her stiff and stumbly. I give her a 6.

3. Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Cha Cha) – Her face reminds me of Bachelor Jake’s fiancée. But she has a hot bod. She has potential, but isn’t that great right out of the gate. She does seem to be having fun, which is half the battle right there. I give her a 6.

4. Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower (Viennese Waltz) – For a waltz, their dance seems a bit too fast and frantic. And Jake is kind of like a wooden plank. The use of “Kiss from a Rose” reminded us of “Kung Fu Fighting” for Mark Dacascos. A bit TOO on the nose. I give him a 6.

5. Niecy Nash and Louis Van Amstel (Cha Cha) – She seems obsessed with keeping her “jiggly parts” and representing for the big girls. Hmm, seems to me that Sabrina Bryan did that seasons ago, and was a much better dancer. She shuffles her feet and doesn’t seem to have much grace. It’ll be interesting to see her do a ballroom dance instead of a Latin dance. I give her a 5.

6. Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya (Viennese Waltz) – I think he’ll do well, since he knows how to move to music and can make graceful lines. But we’ll see. He’s the smoothest dancer so far, but his extension needs work — his hands are like limp slabs of meat at the ends of his arms. Still, it’s the best performance so far. I give him a 7.

7. Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa (Cha Cha) – He’s 80. She’s back after 6 seasons of marriage and babymaking (and she’s lost much of her button-cuteness). Oh man, how I hope he does all right. He’s … it’s not good, but I didn’t expect it to really be. I mean, the guy is 80 years old. He’s mostly a frame for Ashly to shimmy around, with a few shuffling steps. Sadly, I have to give him a 4.

8. Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough (Viennese Waltz) – She’s this season’s Mya for me. Someone with too much previous dance experience. She says she’s a singer who’s learned a few small dance moves for the Pussycat Dolls, but I don’t really buy it. I could be catty and say things like “the scarves on her wrists make her arms look like Aerosmith microphone stands,” but really … best performance of the night. Her frame, lines, and movement are all good. Although Len tears her, and Derek’s choreography, new holes. Interesting. Because there’s room for improvement, I give her an 8.

9. Aiden Turner and Edyta Śliwińska (Cha Cha) – He played a character named “Aidan” on All My Children. See what they did, changing one letter? And see what I did, getting the special characters for Edyta’s last name? Anyhoo. From the pre-dance package, I don’t think I’d like this guy. They’re dancing to “Hungry Like the Wolf”, which should make me like this. But he’s a huge plank of wood with a pouty duckface, the version of the song blows goats, and he has a big wolf head embroidered on the back of his shirt. Scott says: “Hungry like the wolf, dancing … like the tree.” Apt. He moved faster than Buzz, so I give him a 5. But he’s at the bottom of my list.

10. Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani (Viennese Waltz) – I want her to be either awesome or terrible. But I suspect she’ll fall somewhere in the gawky-awkward middle. She looks terrified during the dance, but I’ve seen worse. It’s not great, but it’s no Master P or Kenny Mayne. (Hey, is that Jeff Probst sitting next to Marlee Matlin?) Carrie Ann points out the very important fact that almost everyone else who’s done this show has SOME background (acting, athletics, performing) that can help them, but Kate has absolutely nothing here to fall back on. I’m hoping that successfully doing this once will make her relax a little next week. Still, I give her a 5 (but a more supportive 5 than Aiden Turner’s.)

11. Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood (Cha Cha) – Fully made-up, she looks like a drag queen. But when she shows up at the rehearsal studio with her face relatively clean, she looks like Kristin Chenoweth’s older sister. I worry that she’ll be able to shake it, and not much more. Oh no, for the dance, she looks even trashier than usual. And she can’t even shake it! At one point, Damian pushes her away like a hapless man being groped by a frowzy drunk. And for the post-dance interview, she seems drunk as well. Scott thinks it’s a public persona character she plays: 50% Ginger from Gilligan’s Island, 50% Marilyn Monroe on quaaludes. Her dance is a little better than Kate, so I have to give her a 6, but I’m not happy about it.

Next week: a second round of dancing, hopefully fewer nerves all around, and our first elimination. Welcome back, mirror ball trophy. Welcome back, Trumpet Guy and Jewel Head. Welcome back, everyone!

Pamela Anderson – She was pretty much the one super-confirmed rumor. Will she be able to dance? I don’t think so, but she’ll jiggle really well.

Chad Ochocinco – I’ve never been a fan of the football players on this show; they usually dance poorly, but get huge amounts of cred for personality and effort, while everyone else has to actually dance well. And I don’t care for the fact that this guy changed his last name legally to match his jersey number. Gets my goat. Boo, Chad.

Aiden Turner – A soap star from All My Children. I haven’t watched AMC since college, so I have no idea who this guy is. According to the Wikipedia, he’s English, and kind of hunky.

Kate Gosselin – HOLY CRAP, Scott predicted this one as soon as J&K+8 imploded. I posted the prediction last season, and she was tops on our DwtS wish list, but we figured it would never happen. Turns out she’s a huge fan of the show. I predict she’ll be stiff and awkward, but because Jon turned out to be such a douche, she’ll get huge fan support.

Shannen Doherty – First Jennie Garth, now Shannen. Will Tori Spelling be far behind? Might do well, but I don’t think the voters will be there for her.

Buzz Aldrin – He’s, like, a thousand years old. But I have a feeling he may give good personality.

Evan Lysacek – Gold medal figure skater, sure to have some grace and ability. And easy on the eyes.

Erin Andrews – She’s on ESPN, in case you have no idea who this is. Never heard of her before. the ABC site says she was on her college basketball dance team, which I guess is like cheerleading, so she may not be as stiff and awkward as most.

Nicole Scherzinger – The Pussycat Doll. She’ll be just as much of a ringer as Mya was last year. Too much dance experience already puts her at the bottom of my list; I prefer my celebrities unschooled in dance.

Niecy Nash – I guess she was on Reno 911? Never saw it, not my cuppa. Comedians in general have a poor track record on the show.

Jake Pavelka – This year’s Bachelor, the chooser of the horse-faced girl. Really, ABC? This was the best you could do? With so many actual celebrities (from A-list down to D-list) who’d love to do the show?

Overall, thank goodness it’s down to 11 “celebrities” from last year’s too-huge crowd of 16. This year I’m pretty much watching for Kate Gosselin, since she fascinates the hell out of me. Otherwise, a couple of people I’m ready to dislike on sight, and a bunch of folks in the middle who might impress, might suck eggs, and might or might not be interesting.

She dreamed a dream in time gone by.

On this week’s Dancing with the Stars results show, Susan Boyle sang “I Dreamed a Dream”. What was especially strange was this shot, where her giant head loomed over the two dancers. It reminded me distinctly of one of Scott’s favorite YouTube videos, Telly Savalas doing a spoken-word rendition of Bread’s “If”. Scott loves that video so much, he did a comic strip mocking it. The whole thing has become terribly meta.

Crayon is bad. Smeared crayon is worse.

Next up is this example of fabulous “parenting” spotted at a local restaurant. This little girl drew all over the glass window with crayons. At no point did either adult tell her to stop. The servers didn’t tell her to stop either, but that’s not surprising; they probably have a policy about letting this kind of thing happen and cleaning it up later, so the customers don’t get irate at having their parenting skillz called into question. At this point of the meal, the little girl took a napkin soaked in water and smeared the crayon wax all over the window, making an even bigger mess.

Vinegar. Vingar. Vingr. Vinnygur?

Last but not least, this is a menu that was shoved under our door by the good people at “NY Style Pizzeria”. As you can see, they can’t decide how a vinaigrette is spelled, but they’re covering all of their bases. None of which is the correct base. By the way, did you know that a vinaigrette doesn’t need to contain vinegar? Any acid (like a citrus juice) will do. Dear NY Style Pizzeria: just call it “house Italian”. But be sure to capitalize “Italian”.

Trumpet Guy is the best part of the whole first five minutes. In other news, there are still too damn many stars in this show. And Louis Van Amstel looks like a cross between Dracula and a drag queen. Ooh, we also find out that “appropriate lifts” are allowed this week. Game on!

Chuck & Anna will do the Two-Step, and the rehearsal footage is ghastly. Will the dance be better? The short answer: no. They start with eight hours of acting, where Chuck throws a lasso around Anna, and then move on to a dance that manages to make Anna look ungraceful. Chuck looks like a teenager who’s memorized the steps, but is uncertainly staggering through them. Len gives Chuck props for entertaining people (Really, Len?) but says the quality of dance isn’t there. Bruno accuses him of bringing carnage and mayhem to everything he does. Carrie Ann says the Two-Step suited him best of all the dances he’s done. Scores: 6-5-6 for 17.

Melissa & Mark are going to do the Charelston. During rehearsal, they went to a “1920s club” to get the vibe. I want to go to that club. As they start their dance, there’s an old-timey filter on the cameras that makes me want to kick the producers in the nads. Thank goodness, after their five hours of acting it goes back to regular color. Melissa’s improving, but the flat shoes aren’t doing her any favors. She seems blocky and ungraceful. And of course, next to Mark’s spastic hamming, her movements still seem small and restrained. Bruno stands up and shouts at her, “I was in the 20s, watching a flicker! You have the role, 120%.” (Any declaration of effort over 100% is one of my biggest pet peeves.) Carrie Ann loves it, calls it fantastic. Len says she got all of the three Es: energy, excitement, entertainment. Scores: 9-9-10 for 28, and my mind is blown. Guys, it wasn’t that good. Really.

Natalie & Alec will do our first Bolero of the night. It’s a slow, flowy dance, and Alec is making things even harder with some difficult choreography. On stage, they only do a tiny bit of acting with a cloak, then it’s all sexydancing. It looks like the Bolero borrows some elements from a few different Latin styles, and kind of leans toward the Rumba as far as slow & sexy. It’s good, but she doesn’t set me on fire. I think she’s kind of bland. Carrie Ann didn’t like it as much as last week, and thinks there was some struggle. Len enjoyed the lyrical movement, but wanted more romance. Bruno is “very very happy you found your Basic Instinct.” Then he makes some great comments about her swimmer arms. Scores: 8-8-8 for 24.

Aaron & Karina are up for the first Lambada. Oh no, this punky kid is going to have to try to be sexy again, and again, I don’t think it’s going to work. I mean, Malfoy doing the forbidden dance? And he rehearses wearing those terrible Ugg boots? NOOO! He nails his big opening gymnastic flip, and then it’s shimmy time. Throughout the dance, his facial expression is a mix of bulldog underbite and I-smell-something-nasty. Least sexy guy ever. He moves all right, but they biff the big lift at the very end. Len likes Aaron’s enthusiasm, but wishes he’d spent more time on the rhythm and raunchiness. Bruno agrees; Aaron didn’t get the feel for the character. Carrie Ann basically wants him to chill out, and stop trying too hard. She nailed it — it’s uncomfortable watching his desperation out there. There’s a difference between hard work sweat and needy flop sweat. Scores: 6-6-6 for 18. Lots of boos in the audience, and Aaron swears he won’t cry this time.

Mark & Lacey have the Two-Step. I’ve heard that she’s injured her hip or something, but I guess she’ll still be dancing while she gets whatever therapy? During rehearsal, Mark gets a visit from his million adorable children and the back of his wife’s head. And he stresses about everything, as usual. On the dance floor, the steps start out looking simple, but then some nice moves get thrown in there. He does seem a lot more relaxed, and it looks like he may actually be having fun out there. Hooray! Bruno loves the improvement in confidence, but was sad because of a loss in footing. Carrie Ann has many nice things to say, and calls it the most exciting Two-Step so far. (Best out of two, CA?) Len really liked the choreography, and wants a bit more lightness in the footwork. Scores: 8-7-7 for 22, which is their highest score so far. Hooray again!

Kelly & Louis have the next Charleston, and Louis’ makeup is still hideous. In rehearsal, we find out that she got a lead role in Chicago on Broadway, but they actually gave her a different role because she couldn’t dance. Aww! On the dance floor, she’s SO MUCH BETTER. She’s smiling, she’s dancing well. There’s a couple of little spots that look like tiny flubs, but overall it’s a great dance for Kelly. Carrie Ann compares watching Kelly dance to seeing a little birdie get its wings and fly. Len applauds the confidence and the performance. Bruno also has good things to say. Hooray some more! As they head backstage, it’s time to say hello to the band. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever) the camera pans over the singers from right to left, starting with Jewelry Head instead of ending with her. Yay, a moment for the guys to shine! Scores: 8-7-8 for 23. Samantha asks if Kelly feels like she’s ready to play Roxie, and Kelly says, “I don’t know, you played Roxie, you tell me,” and oh my NO, HARRIS PLAYED ROXIE?! In what universe?

Joanna & Derek are our next Lambada couple. They’re going to bring some extra grind. During the week, they went out to an animal shelter and groomed some dogs, because ABC’s on this volunteering kick. I’m sure it’s going hand-in-hand with the Disney promotion for next year, where you get a day of Disney for a day of volunteering. On the dance floor, we start with Derek removing his shirt completely. Then Joanna smooches Len. Now that the pandering is done, let’s grind. They do a great job, lots of shaking and shimmying and, indeed, grinding. There are a couple of awkward transitions, and Joanna spends a lot of the dance mouthing along with the music, and the just-quite don’t nail their final pose, but overall it’s a great dance, and miles better than what Aaron did earlier. Len says he knows what he wants for tomorrow night’s encore, and praises the choreography. Bruno leans forward and shouts, “WHEN ANIMALS GET PHYSICAL.” Then he basically implies he has spank material for the next six months. Carrie Ann hopes the children were in bed, and Bergeron replies, “I bet some of the adults are now.” Excellent. CA says the dance was fueled by the crotch area, as it should have been. Scores: 9-8-9 for 26.

Donny & Kym will do our third Charleston, and Donny calls it a “typical Donny kind of dance.” However, he’s beating himself up for every missed step. But I have a sneaking suspicion he’s going to do great. Their opening bit of acting isn’t too long, and then the proceed to turn in a fun, delightful dance. A couple of little odd spots, but overall it’s wonderfully performed. Bruno loves seeing a showman in his element. Carrie Ann loves how in synch they are, but caught one little flub. Len enjoys watching Donny dance. Backstage, Samantha asks her insipid questions while Louis and Karina are behind her shoulder making weird hand motions. Thanks for pulling the focus, douches. Scores: 8-8-8 for 24.

Michael & Anna were in the bottom two last week; can the Bolero pull them out of the hole? Only if he stops with the embarassed, stilted, tiny dancing. Anna brings in Tony Dovolani, who was Bolero world champion, to give some advice. Michael is learning how to do intense eye contact, but I fear it looks more stalkerish than romantic. In the dance itself, he’s still fairly wooden and awkward. And every time he does an abrupt move, he opens his mouth like he’s saying “yeahhhh” to himself. Also, Anna’s choreography still isn’t up to the same level as the more experienced pros. Carrie Ann says she saw the romance, but didn’t see enough dancing — there were too many poses. Len agrees, calling it “economic with the movement.” Len reminds Michael that the highest mark he’s given him so far is a 4, and lets him know that’s going up tonight. Bruno isn’t seeing improvement, and wonders, “What about the goods? What about the steps?” Backstage, Louis starts his BS again, so the cameraman shifts to the side to exclude him from the shot over Samantha’s shoulder. Douche. Scores: 5-6-5 for 16. Poor Michael is the worst dancer still in the competition.

Louie & Chelsie have the last Two-Step of the night. For research, they head out to Ty Murray’s ranch, where Louie the city boy shows his ineptitude with all things country. On the dance floor, the first half is almost all Louie taking tiny little steps, holding Chelsie’s hand while she does tricks and spins. He gets a couple of kicks near the middle, then it’s more tiny steps and whirling Chelsie. His arms are doing lots of things, but his feet are barely moving. He didn’t so much dance at all, as … facilitate. Len repeats my sentiments in his own words. Bruno finds the timing dubious, and says charm isn’t enough. Carrie didn’t feel the music coming through Louie at all. Scores: 5-5-6 for 16, and Snidget ties Michael for the bottom spot of the night.

Mya & Dmitry are batting cleanup and dancing the Lambada. They worked on the choreography together this week, which once again raises the idea that she knows too much dance already to be on this show. On the floor, his shirt is mesh and her legs are fully oiled. Of course, the choreography is complex, they look great, they dance great. There’s a nice slower spot in the middle to offset the faster stuff at the beginning and the end, and I hope Len finally gives them a respectable score. Bruno calls her “a erotic, exotic roller coaster.” Then he flails and writhes and is his usual creepy, oversexed self. Carrie Ann calls it amazing, and loves how there was the raunchiness, but with a touch of class. Len blathers on about his standards and her standards, then says the boo-worthy line, “I felt, in the Lambada, I was gonna get a bit more.” BOOO. BOO-URNS. Scores: 10-8-10 for 28, and the hi-lo-hi pattern we’ve grown to expect.

Melissa and Mya are tied at 28 for the top spot, while Louie and Michael share the bottom at 16. Tomorrow: Shakira!

And now … TOMORROW. The results show is, as usual, full of recaps, recaps, and more recaps. As well as a couple of songs by Shakira, who sings in that same bubble-of-spit-in-the-throat way as that horrid Zooey Deschanel on those new cotton TV ads. Oh, and some packages about crap like how hard it is to do DwtS, and how some of the stars have children, and how some of those children have opinions about their parent’s dancing prowess.

It comes down to Aaron & Karina vs. Chuck & Anna, because America has totally spared Michael & Anna from the bottom two. I love that Aaron is in the bottom, because I can’t stand that kid. But it’s Chuck who gets the boot. I like that this means I won’t get confused by two pro dancers named Anna anymore. Now there’s just Louis vs. Louie, which is totally doable.

Out of 14 celebrities, there were only 6 total scores. Two teams tied at 27, Donny, like the cheese, stood alone at 25, two teams tied at 18, and a huge wad of teams got 19, 20, or 21 points. And according to the DwtS post on Facebook, we may be in for a surprise elimination. I just hope that Mark and Kelly stay in it. Anyone else can get the boot.

After an epic recap, Baz gets the honor of naming the encore dance. It’s Mya & Dmitry doing their Jive. After they dance (and it seems like a really short dance) we get a recap of where everyone stands on the leaderboard. Man, there are a TON of teams with scores of 18 or 19. If both Kathy and Tom have good fanbases, one of those 19s is going home.

All of the teams line up on stage, and I finally notice Samantha’s outfit. She’s like a frightening, vacant-eyed dominatrix. Or a vacant-eyed glamorous vampire. First up, we’re going to send three couples to safety. Those couples are: Donny & Kym, Mya & Dmitry, and Aaron & Karina. What a shocker, the top three scoring couples. We see a fresh leaderboard, and all of the remaining teams have either 21, 20, 19 or 18 points from last night. If it’s going to be a surprising elimination, I’m going to say either Joanna or Chuck is toast.

Our first filler performance is Joss Stone, who I used to think was a guy. Because the only other Joss I’d heard of was Joss Whedon. She’s barefoot. And her backup singers are shimmying like crazy. A pair of professional dancers come out and dance, but they have a couple of stumbles. I do like the idea of outsourcing the results-show performances to other pros, so the show’s stable of pros has an easier workload. I don’t care for this song so much, so I’m fast-forwarding through. The dance looks pretty cool at fast-forward.

The next segment is a package about the new DwtS training center. And I have to wonder why it took 9 seasons to come up with this brilliant idea. A converted warehouse-looking building with six dance studios inside, including one room that’s the same size and shape and setup as the actual performance stage. Now they can stop renting out rehearsal spaces around L.A., which must be quite an expensive endeavor. Plus, it’s nice that the stars can interact more with each other during the day. Just looking at these big rooms with their smooth hardwood floors makes me want to throw on my roller skates and buzz around. Scott wonders if they’ll rent this space out to So You Think You Can Dance, or if they’ve already gone in halfsies with Nigel Lythgoe on the place. That would be doubly brilliant.

Back to the results! We’re going to visit with the three couples who scored 21 points last night. Will they be safe, or will they see the red light? Mark & Lacey are safe. Natalie & Alec … are safe. Debi & Maks … … are still in jeopardy. But not necessarily in the bottom two? I don’t know what this means.

The Macy’s design-a-dance contest continues, and Duran Duran didn’t win. It’ll be a Paso Doble to “Eye of the Tiger”, and now we get to choose which of nine former celebrity competitors get to dance. Abc.com, blah blah blah.

Our next filler is Selena Gomez, and it sure sounds like she’s lip-synching. But I can’t be sure. I’m kind of ashamed to admit that I like this song better than the Joss Stone song. It has a real throwback 80s-pop sound. Regular pros Karina & Derek come out and dance, and it’s quite nice. Afterward, we head back where Samantha the glamour vampire interviews safe people, including Kym, the Xanadu pirate. HOT. Back onstage, the two couples who received 20 points last night. Joanna & Derek are safe, while Michael & Anna are also safe.

After a commercial break, we’ll check in with the four couples who ended last night at 19 points. Chuck & Anna are safe, so there goes my guesswork. Chuck’s friend Mickey Rourke applauds from the audience, where he wears a young hipster hat and looks like a burnt-out oldster. I’ve always found him to be vaguely slimy, and age hasn’t helped with that. Back to the couples: Melissa & Mark are safe. Kelly & Louis are safe! Louie & Chelsie are still in jeopardy. My favorites are both safe, so there’s no more stress tonight for me.

Time for another package, this one about how the professional dancers have to fix the celebrities’ bad habits. Models pose too much. Actors have trouble focusing (What? Huh? Missed that, have to rewind.) and listening. Athletes have problems associated with muscle memory from their various sports. Basically, they’re all pains in the butt who need to change everything they are and do.

The next musical segment is dancers and musicians from the USC marching band. They start outside the studio, then march their way through a hallway and onto the stage. The dancers range from hip-hop guys in matching gold velour track suits to tapper/stomper guys in varsity sweaters. Honestly, it’s all much more entertaining (with a Benny Hill flair) in the slowest fast-foward setting.

Back up is Joss Stone, singing the classic “Son of a Preacher Man”. More of our in-house pros dance, and … you guys, you should watch these things in fast-foward too. It makes things like the four-person Samba roll look way cooler. Afterward, there’s interviewing backstage. Blah blah blah. Back out to Tom, with the two couples who scored 18 points last night. Tom & Cheryl are safe, and Kathy & Tony are still in jeopardy.

Commercials (Christian Slater got another show that I won’t be watching) and we’re down to three couples in jeopardy. One of them is safe: it’s Louie & Chelsie. That leaves Debi & Maks and Kathy & Tony as the bottom two. My prediction last night was that Kathy would go home, but DwtS implied a surprise. Who will go home: the crazy bird or the block of wood? It’s the block of wood, and my prediction was right. Kathy & Tony are out. Debi looks really rattled; I have to wonder if she has much of a fanbase at all. The losers head center stage for a shuffling prom-like final dance, we thank guest judge Baz, and the band launches into “If I Could Turn Back Time”. Excellent.

The stars make their entrances down the staircase, and it takes forever. There’s still so darned many of them. Trumpet Guy blows down the walls of Jericho as we pan over the celebs, and my goodness, some of the stars’ outfits are ghastly. More on this later.

We get a too-long filmography for tonight’s guest judge, Baz Luhrmann. In my opinion, Moulin Rouge is 45 minutes’ worth of movie crammed into two hours. Filler galore. We’ll see what kind of things he has to say. Now, on with the dancing!

Joanna & Derek: Tonight they’ll be dancing the Jive. Remember, she was the top-scoring woman last week. Right now, she’s wearing eight pounds of fake hair and a string mop for a skirt. As for the dancing, their Jive doesn’t seem particularly jivey. Not a lot of the synchronized flick kicks I know and love. Carrie Ann likes their energy, but thinks Joanna’s feet weren’t that great. Bruno wants much cleaner flicks and kicks. Baz finds them tremendous and exciting, but wants more of a relationship. I miss Len and his technical analysis already. Backstage, there’s some Samantha-grade babbling, then the judging. They get 6-7-7 for a score of 20.

Natalie & Alec: Natalie loved it when Bruno called her a “million dollar mermaid”. Funny, she doesn’t strike me as very Annette Kellerman. Or even Esther Williams. Oh yes, friends — I’ve seen the movie Million Dollar Mermaid … several times. Shut up. Tonight they’re dancing the Quick Step, and Natalie is learning to breathe. They dance fairly well, and Natalie seems to be having more fun; at least she’s smiling more. Her footwork is decent, but could be better. Bruno wants her to relax even more, so she stops going “funny” in her shoulders. Baz liked the second half, once she got more into the dance. Carrie Ann loves Natalie, but wants her to think about Alec as an extension of herself. Kinky. Backstage and beyond the babble, the scores arrive: 7-7-7 for a 21 (winner winner, chicken dinner).

Chuck & Anna: They’re doing the Tango, so Chuck doesn’t need to work on his feminine side just yet. Anna suggests adding some of Chuck’s fighting moves, which … sounds like what Lacey had Mark do last week with the Kung Fu. And that worked so well. We’ll see. For the dance, Chuck has a tattoo that looks like it was drawn on the side of his head in Sharpie. He’s also shirtless (but wearing suspenders). Part of the choreography at the beginning is Anna helping him put his jacket on, which is nothing but weird. During the actual dancing, Anna is great. Chuck, unsurprisingly, is still blocky and wooden and stiff. It’s a Tango Trainwreck. Baz thinks Uncle Len would rip them to pieces, but applauds Chuck’s ability to face fear. Carrie Ann was a little frightened, and loves the “impact” of the piece. Bruno encourages us to vote for Chuck, calling him “savage and primeval.” The scores are 6-7-6, totalling 19 for the night.

Melissa & Mark: Her shoulders were all wadded up last week; let’s hope she relaxes more during the Jive this week. Mark demonstrates the Jive like a spasmoid, then proceeds to get smacked and whacked as they practice tricks. They’re wearing polka-dotted outfits that make me think of the big candy room in the 70s Willy Wonka movie. During the dance she’s doing the steps, but when you compare them to the overly-large steps Mark is doing, her footwork all seems tiny and minimalist. Which is the opposite of what the Jive should be. On the plus side, she looks like she’s having a lot more fun than last week. Carrie Ann loves the energy. Bruno says she’s “like flittering ladybirds.” WTF, Bruno? Baz thinks it’s a big improvment since last week, but says the steps defeated her a bit. The numbers are: 7-6-6, for 19. Dudes, she was MUCH better than Chuck.

In the Macy’s design-a-dance contest, America has already chosen a Paso Doble. Now we get a chance to pick the music, on the ABC Web site. Even though I don’t know how good the song will be for the Paso, I’m voting for Duran Duran’s “Notorious” for the sole reason that it’s Duran Duran.

Michael & Anna: Last week the Cha-Cha-Cha wasn’t so hot, and Anna’s choreography was partly to blame. This week they’re doing the Quick Step, so it’ll be nice to see what steps she throws in. The singer who’s performing “Too Darn Hot” needs to enunciate a little bit; it’s “I’d like to sup with my baby tonight”, but it sounds like he’s singing “suck with my baby” instead. Ew. The dance is all right, but it’s still kind of boring. Think about other Quick Steps we’ve seen in the past (Helio & Julianne, anyone?) and this one pales in comparison. He does all right, though, and will probably get scores similar to everyone else tonight. Bruno applauds the improvement in both skill and content. Baz loves how Michael confronts the challenge. Carrie Ann does an awkward little touchdown dance. The judges throw him 7-7-6, matching Joanna & Derek’s 20.

Debi & Maks: She got upset when Maks constantly corrected her in rehearsal. But she thinks the I-love-you-I-hate-you relationship will work great for the Tango. She has an awesome spit curl on her face for the dance. Then things get awful, when the band strikes up the version of “Roxanne” they did in Moulin Rouge. There’s some strutting and mugging, then very little actual Tango (with some stumbles and weird footwork) and a big acty drama ending. Content, content. Baz loves the song (yeah, yeah) and calls the dance fantastic, just like he’s done with every other dance tonight. Carrie Ann gives Debbie props for drama, and gives kudos for the posture and hold. Bruno loves when she’s channeling the “feisty ball breaker.” Did the censor not understand Bruno’s words, or is that OK to say on TV? Either way, it’s a win. After a chuckle or two backstage, the judges give them 7-7-7, for a first-place-so-far tie of 21 (WWCD).

Louie & Chelsie: Now that I look at him some more, he has more of an Oompa Loompa look to him than a hobbit. Something in the face. I’m going to keep calling him Snidget, though. They’re doing the Jive, and in rehearsal it looks like Chelsie’s trying to break the poor kid’s groin with the splits. He starts the dance with an admittedly cool flip over her head, and then they launch into some pretty darn good kicking. He’s really getting his knees up high. The rest of the Jive is decent, although there’s some filler in there. He also gets off the beat a couple of times. Carrie Ann loves Snidget’s level of joy, but chastises him for getting ahead of the music. Bruno digs into him, because some of the sections were really good — the rest was “mucking about.” Baz repeats the others’ comments, then throws out a “tremendous” as with every other dance. As they head backstage, it’s band intro time. Jewelry Head is wearing a fluorescent green dress, and waves like crazy at us. I think she’s nuts. They’re given 6-7-6, tying the bottom teams with 19.

Aaron & Karina: I’ve been holding off on mentioning the green tuxedo. Mainly because I want to keep Aaron away from me Lucky Charms. HIDEOUS. They’re doing the Quick Step this week, and Karina’s pushing him hard, and they have some good fight footage. Just as the band is about to play, there’s a commotion in the house! Animal the Muppet is up playing drums in the balcony! Did I miss some new Muppet/ABC crossover? Oh, NO, they’re doing the Quick Step to the theme from The Muppet Show. Malfoy in a leprechaun suit with the Muppet theme? Suddenly I feel like I’m in the sky with diamonds. But I have to give the kid credit: it’s the best dance of the night so far. Good choreography, lots of actual quick steps, and he shows some personality. At the judging table, Gonzo hits on Bruno, or maybe it’s the other way around. Bruno stands up and declares it doubly spectacular, then calls Aaron a mini Fred Astaire. Baz babbles worse than Samantha, but praises the dance. Carrie Ann jokes that they’re both wearing the same kelly green, but misses a chance to make a green-screen joke. But it takes going backstage to Samantha for them to clue me in that he’s supposed to be Kermit in his green suit. And Karina is Miss Piggy. I think this whole dance was a little too high-concept for me. They take top scores for the night with 9-9-9, for a total of 27.

Kelly & Louis: For their intro goof, Kelly puts lip gloss on Louis. Sorry, Kelly — nothing could make him less like leather and beef jerky. They’re doing the Tango this week, and Kelly’s full of fretting because they had four weeks to rehearse last week, and only four days this time. Their dance is pretty good: a lot of good stepping and twirling. Kelly can’t hold the stern Tangoface and breaks into a grin halfway through. Then it looks like they mess up on the very very end.
Baz acknowledges the mistakes that were made, but thinks her story and strength are fantastic. Carrie Ann likes what she’s seeing, and wants Kelly to relax. Bruno thinks she could be amazing, if she can just stop with the mistakes. The judges have to go with the dance and the mistakes, but they still give a generous 6-7-6 for a score of 19. I hope the home viewers keep her in it; she’s got real potential, and seems like a good kid.

Kathy & Tony: Their outfits this week don’t match, and they don’t “go”. Ugh. They’re dancing the Quick Step, and Kathy thinks there’s nowhere to go but up. They’re dancing to “Shall We Dance”, although the first few notes sound like “Be our Guest”. There’s a bit too much “acting” and non-dancing going on, and the pace is really slow for a Quick Step. Her movement is better and less stiff than last week, but it isn’t a great performance overall. And the back of Tony’s coat looks like the flag of Albania, which makes no sense because he’s “Made in Kosovo”. Carrie Ann saw improvment in presentation, but had a number of criticisms. Bruno agrees, then calls her elegant but not engaging. Baz wanted more excitement and attack. The judges give her 6-6-6 for an 18, the lowest score so far. But Tom DeLay hasn’t danced yet.

GOOD LORD, THERE ARE STILL SO MANY DANCES LEFT. Dear DwtS: you’re killing me, Homes.

Mark & Lacey: Go, Sensei Ping! It’s Quick Step time again, and I hope he can be really, really quick. They start their dance out in the audience, do a little showy whatnot, then dig in. He stumbles near the top of the actual dancing, but recovers himself well. Then they get into the skipping and kicking, and it gets great! Watching his face, this guy would make an excellent young George Takei. Bruno likes it, wants more improvement, and seems pleased. Baz admires the recovery from the first trip, and thinks he has great potential. Carrie Ann repeats much of what’s already been said, and wants him to relax and breathe some more. The judges toss him 7-7-7 (WWCD) and he’s up near the top of the pack with 21. The Clan of the Pointed Stick would be proud. (If you haven’t watched The Middleman yet, rent it. Now.)

Mya & Dmitry: It’s Jive time, and they’re both nervous and wanting to do a technically perfect routine. For the dance, Mya is wearing a doofy wig, and Dmitry has highwater pants and taped glasses. The song choice is weird, but the dance is great. A lot of good moves, some difficult looking stuff, and nice speed. Baz gives heaps of praise. Carrie Ann says that Len would hate the beginning, but she herself likes it very much. Bruno calls them Josephine Baker and Clark Kent. Will they top Aaron’s scores? First Samantha has to natter at them and ask the inane questions. After twelve hours of talk, the judges’ scores: 9-9-9, for a 27 that ties Aaron’s score.

Tom & Cheryl: It would appear that Cheryl is playing the part of Kermit the Frog in this dance. Another kelly green outfit. They’re doing the Tango, and Tom has problems during rehearsal with snapping his head. He went to the doctor with hurty toes, and he has a pre-stress fracture. Which sounds like he’s on the cusp of breaking something, but it hasn’t quite broken yet. Fun. For the dance, he’s all ramrod straight and stiff, which I guess kind of works for the Tango. His kicks are gawky, any move out of hold is incredibly unsexy, and at the very end he almost drops Cheryl on the ground. Carrie Ann finds them to be an oddly well-matched couple, and liked it until the end. Bruno commends the distinguished and determined approach, although it wasn’t that great all told. Baz liked the holds and thought it had grace. Samantha asks how the foot is, and Tom says, “We’re going to dance until it breaks.” That’s a great way to do things. The judges give him 6-6-6, so he’s tied for last place with 18.

Donny & Kym: He knows he has to work his butt off in the Jive. Turns out he’s the second oldest in the competition, since Tom DeLay is older than dirt. For the dance itself, he’s wearing a shiny silver velour suit. Kym, on the other hand, has the footwear of a Halloween “Sexy Pirate” and the top of a Xanadu skating muse. It’s ghastly and awesome all at the same time. They’re dancing to “Secret Agent Man”, and it’s shockingly fun. He has a great amount of pep and vigor for being 51. His steps are sharp, the kicks are high, and he does a very good job overall. Bruno tells Secret Agent Osmond: “Mission accomplished.” Baz likes the dance, and is delighted that “dance knows no age.” Carrie Ann says that this is why the name Osmond carries so much weight in the entertainment business. Then she gives sexxy props to Kym’s outfit. Samantha yammers, then the judges give them 8-9-8, for a total of 25, giving Donny 3rd place for the night.

So who’s going home? Kathy Ireland and Tom DeLay are tied at the bottom of the leaderboard, and in the battle between Kmart shoppers and Republicans, I think Tom has the bigger fanbase. I’m going on record that Kathy will be headed home.

Warehouse 13: This was the season finale; the show was a short-run summer series. It improved throughout the season, and I’d say they’re finally figuring out what the show should be. It’s already renewed for another season, and I’ll continue to watch.

The Biggest Loser: Kudos to the contestants for beating the week 2 curse. But no kudos to Bob and Jillian for their nutrition advice. I’ve done more nutritional research than some doctors, and there were a couple of horrifying moments in this show. First off, Jillian told contestants that “calories in, calories out” is a universal truth. Which is wrong. Then Bob let fly the fact that the female contestants eat only 1200 calories per day. I can’t wait to see what other dangerously unhealthy things are done this season.

So You Think You Can Dance: The auditions continue. Not much to say; looks like this season is going to have some excellent talent.

Top Chef: Las Vegas: We’re still betting on a top three of “The Laser” (Jen), “Beardo” (Kevin), and one of the brothers. There seem to be a lot of really talented chefs this season … and a couple that don’t seem terribly great. Why is Robin still there?

Glee: I know a lot of people really like this show. I’m not particularly one of them. I find it to be a bunch of unlikeable people (some of them more so than others) involved in uninteresting or unrealistic situations. I’m giving it one more episode, to try and pull me in. If next week doesn’t rock my world, it’s off the TiVo.

Survivor: Samoa: Poor purple team! They’re getting so little screen time. The yellow team and that grotesque Russell are just such good TV. I have to give the guy props for finding the hidden immunity idol without a single clue, but other than that he’s a horrible little troll. Of course, that’s exactly what the producers want me to think.

Grey’s Anatomy: Two hours of season premiere was a bit much. And it was, overall, a very depressing two hours. Although the surprise ending may bring in some fresh characters and interesting situations.

Project Runway: This season is good, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t have a favorite, and there’s nobody to hate. There are a few designers who are doing well, and could possibly win, but nobody’s designs are setting my world on fire. And there’s no Wendy Pepper or Santino Rice, no loathsome douche who I can love to hate. And that’s half the fun of the show.

Fringe: If you’re not watching Fringe, you should. Supernatural sci-fi mystery stuff, done exceptionally well.

America’s Next Top Model: The shorties are making up for their height with drama. Bickering, infighting, bitchiness, cattiness … it’s all there. Good stuff.

Tonight we’ll tackle the Dollhouse season premiere. I have high hopes, since the show improved through the first season. And of course I watched Dancing with the Stars this week (Go, Sensei Ping!) and recapped the episodes separately. Oh, and tomorrow: The Amazing Race begins! I better pace myself, so the TiVo doesn’t catch fire.

My fellow recapper is doing The Disney Blog entry for the results show, so my own long-winded thoughts are here:

We’re eliminating one man and one woman tonight, and we have an hour to do it. That’s plenty of time to have a lot of pointless filler.

First off, the encore dance. The judges opt for Kelly & Louis to do their Viennese Waltz again, and it’s just as charming. She gets more adorable every time I see her.

Following the encore is a recap of the ladies’ dancing from Tuesday night. It goes on much longer than it should; we see chunks of dance, judge comments, and remarks from the contestants in the backstage confessional. And after spending a couple of minutes reviewing only the women’s performances … we’re going to start with the men’s elimination. What? In what universe does this make sense?

The first eight couples are out on the stage, and we’re going to send the first two to safety. We start with Louie & Chelsie, and then send Aaron & Karina to safety. No surprises yet; I figured they were both safe.

We come back from commercials, and it’s time for a guest performance. I looked away and didn’t pay attention when they said who this guy is. It’s a kind of hip-hop rap pop song, auto-tuned to within an inch of its life; it’s the kind of thing I hear at the roller rink when I go for my weekly open skate, and while it plays is the perfect time to catch up on other things.

Next up, a visit to the new “comedy” segment, the Losers Club. Kenny Mayne, Penn Jillette, and Jeffrey Ross all talk about how terrible they were on the show, and how they’re waiting with open arms for the first man and woman eliminated. Meh, it’s not terrible, but it’s not funny. Filler.

The next safe couple is Mark & Lacey, hooray! Sensei Ping lives to dance another day. Joining them are Chuck & Anna. Also safe are Donny & Kym. Five men are safe! Three remain! Terrible Tom, Awful Ashley, and Mediocre Michael. Who will get the boot first? Let’s hurry up and wait to see.

First let’s show the stars of the new ABC comedies, sitting in the front row. Hey, everyone — I think ABC wants you to watch those shows. God knows I’m not going to, so I guess you’ll have to. We hop backstage where Samantha interviews Chuck, Louie, and Chelsie while Anna stands there and looks gorgeous. We certainly don’t want the foreigner to speak.

Three men left. It’s safety for Tom & Cheryl! A tense moment, then we find out that Ashley & Edyta are going away, which means that Michael & Anna are safe. Ashley has nice things to say, as does Edyta. But thanks to the double elimination, we don’t have to sit through their last dance.

Next up is the premiere of a Miley Cyrus music video, so I fast-forward through the entire segment. Easy.

Time for the women, after we acknowledge Courtney Cox of Cougar Town in the audience. Now that that’s done, we can find out that Natalie & Alec are safe, as are Mya & Dmitry. Two are safe! Six remain! But before we can get to that, it’s time for another “comedy” segment! In this one, Adam Carolla gives a pep talk to the men, since women have won the last three seasons. He rides in on his unicycle, and proceeds to be much funnier than all three of the Losers club members combined. A Bruno-in-the-closet joke. To Donny: “You’re 51. When do we get to start calling you ‘Don’?” Tasting Mark’s face to see if he’s used his spray tan. We leave the segment to find Adam harshly comforting Ashley backstage, and then Bergeron plugs Adam’s Web site. Niiiiice.

We go straight from there to a performance from the cast of The Lion King. It’s everything you think it would be.

Time for three more couples to be safe. Melissa & Mark, Joanna & Derek, and Debi & Maks all get to breathe easier. Three more couples remain: two terrible ones, and poor little Kelly who did a great job. Backstage, Samantha interviews Natalie and Mya, and the’re both nervous but ready to dance next week, blah blah. Sam lets us know that Baz Luhrmann is going to be a guest judge next week, then we move on to a tribute to Patrick Swayze. Some pros dance to “She’s Like the Wind,” then Tony and Cheryl lead an abridged version of the “Time of My Life” dance from Dirty Dancing, including Baby’s big lift.

More commercials (I’m still not going to watch comedy Wednesday; that’s my roller skating night!) and more results. But first, let’s find out how Len feels the first week has gone. He blathers about how celebrities are like flowers. Come on, get to the important stuff! We get tiny recaps of Krappy Kathy, Manly Macy, and Kick-ass Kelly. First to safety are Kelly & Louis. Huzzah! The long pause, then we find out that Macy & Jonathan are done. Bergeron wanted to see what she’d say next week, but I bet the staff is glad they don’t have to hover over the bleep button now. Nice things are said, and now both couples have to do the uncomfortable, junior prom-like “final dance.” The band gives us a soft version of Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger,” and we close the show for this first too-damn-long week.