Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

Mama Wants a Snart

Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

For years now, I’ve lusted after Smart Cars. Even before they came to America, I looked at pictures from other countries and crossed my fingers that the USA would someday have them for sale. And if not, I’d just have to figure out a way to buy one in Canada.

But frabjous day, they did indeed come to America. And next year, there should be a glut of 3-year-old Smart Cars available for sale, after the crazy people who get 3-year leases turn them back in. So I’ve started thinking more and more about these little cuties.

I decided I’m finally ready for a test drive. I haven’t done that yet, out of fear — what if I hate the driving experience? I remember thinking the Chevy Aveo was absolutely adorable, but then I drove one. What a massively uncomfortable ride, for me at least. So I’ve been holding off on the odd chance that I might find the Smart to be the same way. But I really need to do it, so I can either cement the lust in my mind, or move on to some other automotive dream (Fiat 500, anyone?).

So I ventured to the Smart Web site, where they had a form to fill out if you’re interested in a test drive. I filled out the form, being sure to check the box for “email” as the preferred method of contact (because the phone is a viper). I also filled in a field that said I would be looking to buy in 2011. Here’s what I received back:

Subj: smart Test drive request form

Dear Missy,
Thank you for your inquiry. It will be dealt with by one of our smart team members as soon as possible.
We will contact you shortly. However in the meantime, if you have any additional questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact us via your preferred method:

[phone number / email address / physical address / fax number]

Thank you in advance,
The smart center Orlando team.

So maybe I’ve been mistaken in capitalizing the word “Smart” all this while? Anyhoo, not surprising to receive a form email basically saying “we got your email, and we’ll be in touch soon.” Lots of folks do it. But then, two minutes later, this arrived in my inbox:

Subj: an important message from

Greetings!

Thank you for inquiry regarding smart cars! One of us will get with you via phone and email shortly!

Meanwhile, you might want to visit our website [URL address] where you will find our inventory, our specials and everything smart!

Sincerely,

[three names]
[physical address / phone number / Web site / email address]

Okay, so a second placeholder email. Also with some grammar issues, and no capitalization of the company name. Is this perhaps that cute hipster thing of not capitalizing things? Am I yearning for a hipster car?

Two days later, more communication:

Subj: Thank you for your inquiry

Hello Missy,
Thank you for your Internet inquiry. I am your complete buying resource – from information, to demonstration, to pricing and delivery. With the Smart Center Orlando Internet Department, you will have an online automotive buying experience like no other. Please do not hesitate to contact me at [phone number], or simply reply to this email if you have any questions.
If you have a vehicle to trade in, my Pre-Owned Vehicle Manager will need to see and drive it in order to give the highest possible value to you. Please do not hesitate to contact me at [phone number] to set up an appointment for a test drive.
Thanks for the opportunity to earn your business.
Sincerely,

[one dude's name / title]
[physical address / phone number / email address / Web site]

So at least this guy knows where his shift key is. But it seems that, three emails after I filled out a form saying I’d like to set up a test drive and prefer email communication, they’re asking me to now call them on the phone to set up my test drive. I’m at a complete loss as to why I filled out the form, or why I had to sit through these emails. Plus, since I’m not buying until 2011, why should I bother with having a stranger drive my car for trade-in purposes? Ugh.

I wrote back:

So do I need an appointment for a test drive? Or can I just stop by the dealership?

The next day:

Its always better to schedule some time as we tend to get busy. But if you want to just come by feel free.

Thank goodness I have my desk right here, to bash my head on. I think … I’ll just feel free to come by.

Fortunately, there are two other Smart dealerships over in the Tampa area. So if these people continue to make me a little crazy, and a test drive turns out to wet my whistle, I’ll have a variety of purchase options.

And we frequently call the car a “Snart” because of an old greeting card I remember from my college days, of a guy looking at notes he’d written to himself, stuck on his refrigerator door. One of those notes read, “I am snart.”

A Disappointing "Farmers' Market"

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

I love spagetty squash. Likewise spaghetti squash.

I’ve given our local farmers’ market three tries now. And it’s three strikes.

When I think of a “farmers’ market”, I think of fresh, local foods. Produce, meats, dairy. And I know there are tons of these things around; the grocery stores frequently carry local fruits, and there are cattle grazing on pasture not five minutes from my apartment in pretty much any direction.

Maybe my expectations were too high. I expected, since the sign said “Farmers’ Market”, that there would be more than one actual farmer represented. Unfortunately, there wasn’t even one. This wasn’t even a farmer’s market.

Instead, at least half of the booths were taken up by crafters and artists. There were five booths selling jewelry, although a couple of them appeared to be selling pre-made, mass-produced stuff. One booth had quilts. One booth had windchimes and other decorative clutter. One guy was selling genuine New England maple syrup, which I guess might have been farmed by a farmer at some point, but this guy wasn’t the farmer.

Then there was the produce tent. They had all kinds of fruits and vegetables, but nothing was labeled as local. In fact, almost everything was stickered and bagged as it would be in the grocery stores. Sealed plastic bags of baby carrots, apples with Washington stickers, even the celery in the Green Giant bags (Seattle, you’d be weirded out, as we still are — the celery is branded and always, always sold in plastic bags here).

And instead of looking fresh and vibrant, a goodly amount of the produce looked like it was gathered by dumpster diving behind the supermarkets. Black strawberries, moldy kiwi. And almost everything slightly higher-priced than the exact same stuff at the grocery store down the block.

I envy those of you who can go to your local farmers’ market and get grass-fed beef. Or raw milk and cheese. Or even fruits and vegetables with a little fresh dirt on them, instead of stickers. Maybe there’s another market around here where I can find all of those things, but it’s certainly not the one near me.

Thoughts on Improv as a Workplace

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

I’m going through old posts on an old blog, and posting some of them over here. This post is originally from 2005, but I feel exactly the same now as I did then.

People join improv groups for a variety of reasons, from honing their improv skills to just plain having fun. Depending on their experience level, these people have vastly different expectations of how an improv group runs. But one thing seems to be clear — the less an improv group is run in a businesslike fashion, the less successful it will be.

Directors: Every workplace needs a boss. The boss of the show, the director, is one of the most important parts of any show or group. The director knows how the show should look and sound, and can guide the players so that their performances match up with the goals of the show. A group without a clear director is also one without clear direction. A prime example is a group that forms from a group of friends who took an improv class together (which happens more frequently than you’d think). All they know is that they enjoy improv, and they enjoy improvising together. But without someone specific set as director, eventually people set their sights on different goals. A group I used to be in finally reached a stalemate when there were three different ideas about which way the group should grow, and roughly even numbers of people in each camp. Without a director to choose the way, the group fell apart.

A director, like any boss, has a huge level of responsibility and at times is spinning many figurative plates. They try to strike a balance between keeping everyone happy and keeping the show as good as they possibly can. Sometimes those two things fall out of balance — many times a boss has to make an unpopular decision because it’s what is best for the company. But it can be so much harder if the employees of that company don’t consider themselves as such.

Notes: The main way a director can guide his players is through notes, whether those notes come during/after rehearsals or after performances. It’s like getting tiny workplace performance reviews throughout the year, instead of one big yearly review (though a full yearly review can happen as well). But notes can be a huge source of contention for the performers who don’t view their show or group as a proper workplace, but merely an outlet for them to have fun.

There was once a player who didn’t do very much in the way of teamwork or scene building, instead preferring to interrupt scenes with puns and jokes in order to make himself look funny to the audience. When he would be given notes on the subject, he would blatantly ignore them, wave them off, or even argue them with the director. Fortunately, he’s moved on to other things, but his attitude is one seen more frequently than a director would like. The performer doesn’t see these notes as an effort to improve the quality of the show; instead, they see it as a “jealous” director trying to stop them from getting so many laughs. The thought that they’re making the job harder for everyone else doesn’t cross their mind — they’re only concerned with having fun. But how is that acceptable in a workplace? Picture this guy in an office, spending his time making paper airplanes instead of working on a group project. Yes, he’s having a great time, but he’s hurting everyone else working on that group project, and without his fair contribution, the quality of the project just isn’t as good.

Notes can be very a very touchy subject, because a note can be very close to a personal affront. It’s criticism of the choices we make and the things we say on the spur of the moment. But good notes can help us build a foundation of knowledge so that we make better choices in the future. This is also why notes should be given by one or two experienced observers or directors — group notes sessions are almost always a bad idea. Most players don’t like being given notes by other players, especially if there is an experience gap. A young, new player’s note may be perfectly valid, but it still won’t be taken well by a seasoned player with many more years of experience. This is again where a good director comes in — so you can discuss any notes you may want to give with them, and find out where they stand. If that note is about another player, talking to the director about it privately and having the director address the note will give it much more impact and validity. Notes are best if they simply lay out exactly what the show’s direction is, from the mouth of a director.

Ideas: Every improviser has, at one point, come up with a great idea for their group. Maybe it’s a new show, or a new angle on an existing show. There’s nothing wrong with having great ideas — the problem is when those great ideas aren’t accepted the way the improviser would like. Too many times, I’ve seen someone propose an idea to a director. After some thought, the director has to decline the idea, because it doesn’t fit with the direction of the group/show. The improviser who understands that the group is a functioning workplace can understand that their boss has the final say, and while it’s disappointing to have their idea struck down, the director knows what is best for their show. But the improviser who’s in it for the fun, and who thinks that everyone should be on an equal footing, is crushed. They’ll openly criticize the director for not “getting” the idea, or for being jealous of the performer’s talent, or for any number of other reasons. I’ve also seen examples of these people trying to work their ideas into a show anyway, because they think they know what’s best for the show. Who would do that in a workplace?

Imagine a Blockbuster Video employee suggesting to their manager that BBV should start serving hot popcorn to the customers. The manager considers it, then lets the employee know that it would be too much mess and expense to implement the idea. Now, picture the employee complaining to all the other employees about what an asshole the boss is, and how the boss wouldn’t know a great idea if it dropped on their head, and that the boss is clearly just jealous that they didn’t come up with the great idea. Picture that employee bringing in a popcorn machine and starting in on their idea anyway. Sounds like a good way to be fired, right? So what makes it OK in an improv group?

When someone has their idea turned down and complains about it, there’s a common response: “Then why don’t you start your own group?” Almost always, the complainer will hem and/or haw, and say something along the lines of, “Well, it’s not that big a deal,” even though from their level of complaining, you can tell it is indeed a big deal to them. They don’t want to answer honestly, because deep down they understand how much work goes into leading and running a group or show, and they don’t want to put in that much work. It’d be like telling that video store employee to go ahead and start up his own place, Popcorn Video, where all customers are given popcorn. Naturally, he doesn’t want to start at the bottom with no customers and no inventory, and work his way up — it’s so much easier to try and change the established business.

Friends: Because the work itself is fun, and the atmosphere in which the work is performed is fun, a lot of performers fall into the mistaken idea that the other performers are not coworkers so much as friends. Some people seem to be absolutely convinced that every single other player is their friend. Yes, some friendships may form among players. But there is nothing magical about being in an improv group that automatically makes everyone good buddies. You wouldn’t expect to be friends with everyone at an office job or a retail job — in fact, you’d probably expect to dislike at least one or two people. It’s an assumption that can cause a lot of hurt feelings. If you’re having a gathering of some sort and only want to invite your actual friends, you have to be prepared for the fact that other improvisers will be upset that they weren’t invited. Never mind that you have nothing in common with them, have never spent time outside of rehearsals or shows with them, or don’t even know anything about them other than their name. Many moons ago, when I was in a different group, my roommate and I held a housewarming party. I invited probably half the improv group — the ones who I considered friends. One of them brought another improviser with them — a man whom I couldn’t stand. They rationalized that if one group member was invited, all group members were invited, and that this guy’s invitation was lost in the mail. It’s unfair to all parties involved.

Yes, some friendly people will invite everyone to everything. But you wouldn’t expect someone working in the same office, whom you’ve never done anything social with and who might not know anything about you, to invite you to their wedding/garden party/birthday.

Bottom Line: If you make the mistake of thinking of an improv group as just being a fun gathering of friends, and not as the money-making workplace that it is, you’re just setting yourself up for unhappiness. The group/show has a goal. That goal is not to let you have fun, or give you an outlet from your boring workaday life, or instantly give you an awesome circle of friends . . . even though all of those things most certainly can happen. No, the main goal of the group/show is to make money, so they can continue producing more shows. The director is not there to be your friend, though they certainly may be such. The director’s main goal is to do what’s best for the show, even if it means making decisions that are unpopular with some of the players. Their job is not to offer you the fulfillment you seek — it’s to give a paying audience the best possible show they can. And performers should have the same goal.

From the Photo Archives

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Here are a couple of pictures taken from my various travels that I haven’t posted yet.

Sherwin-Williams Van

Is anybody else horrified by the Sherwin-Williams logo? They want to “Cover the Earth” with paint! How environmentally-friendly is that? Every person, animal, and object would end up like that chick at the beginning of Goldfinger (and according to my other half, in the original book of Goldfinger, the whole painted-chick thing [along with most of the other good action stuff] doesn’t happen).

No Peaking Playing Cards

We saw these playing cards at a Pier 1 store right before Xmas, in with all of the other crappy little gifties. I don’t mind round playing cards; what I do mind is the concept of not “peaking” at the cards, a homonym error mentioned by The Rejectionist just yesterday.

A Tale of Two Prescriptions

Friday, January 8th, 2010

At the pharmacy today:

Me: Hi, I have two prescriptions ready, but I’m only picking one of them up.
Pharmacy Lady: Sure, can I get your name and birthdate?
Me: [name, birthdate]
PL: (looking at computer) And now, which one … wha … wha … WHOA, WHAT!
Me: Yeah, that’s why I’m not picking that one up yet.
PL: WOW.

So for my Crohn’s disease, I’m currently taking two medications. One (Azasan) is a daily tablet, the other (Cimzia) is a monthly injection. I’d been getting the monthly injections via the pharmacy’s mail-order system, but it’s a real pain in the butt, because the medication needs to be refrigerated. So they sent it overnight, and I had to sit at home until the FedEx guy brought by a styrofoam cooler so I could sign for it.

We just changed prescription drug plans at work, so I figured I’d take the opportunity to start filling that prescription at my local pharmacy. That way, instead of killing half of my Saturday waiting for the delivery, I could just stop by the pharmacy (which is in the parking lot at work) on my way home and grab the box of stuff.

Well, this new drug plan doesn’t like the Cimzia. They say it’s not a “preferred” medication, so they won’t pay a single cent for it. If I want to just pay a co-pay, I can have my doctor switch me to Humira or Remicade or Enbrel. But if I want the Cimzia, I have to pay the full price myself. Which for one monthly dose comes to … $1500.

Wha wha whoa what, indeed. Good thing I already have an appointment to see my gastroenterologist in a couple of weeks. Either he and I can collaborate on the long, drawn-out appeal process to try and make the Cimzia a “preferred” drug, or he can switch me over to Humira. We’ll see what happens.

On the plus side, the Azasan tablets were $110 for a 90-day supply under the old plan. With the new plan, I just paid $43. That probably would have delighted me if I’d heard about it before the whole $1500 thing.

PhotoDump

Saturday, November 14th, 2009

I just pulled a bunch of pictures off my cell phone. Here’s what I’ve taken snappies of this week:

She dreamed a dream in time gone by.

She dreamed a dream in time gone by.

On this week’s Dancing with the Stars results show, Susan Boyle sang “I Dreamed a Dream”. What was especially strange was this shot, where her giant head loomed over the two dancers. It reminded me distinctly of one of Scott’s favorite YouTube videos, Telly Savalas doing a spoken-word rendition of Bread’s “If”. Scott loves that video so much, he did a comic strip mocking it. The whole thing has become terribly meta.

Crayon is bad. Smeared crayon is worse.

Crayon is bad. Smeared crayon is worse.

Next up is this example of fabulous “parenting” spotted at a local restaurant. This little girl drew all over the glass window with crayons. At no point did either adult tell her to stop. The servers didn’t tell her to stop either, but that’s not surprising; they probably have a policy about letting this kind of thing happen and cleaning it up later, so the customers don’t get irate at having their parenting skillz called into question. At this point of the meal, the little girl took a napkin soaked in water and smeared the crayon wax all over the window, making an even bigger mess.

Vinegar. Vingar. Vingr. Vinnygur?

Vinegar. Vingar. Vingr. Vinnygur?

Last but not least, this is a menu that was shoved under our door by the good people at “NY Style Pizzeria”. As you can see, they can’t decide how a vinaigrette is spelled, but they’re covering all of their bases. None of which is the correct base. By the way, did you know that a vinaigrette doesn’t need to contain vinegar? Any acid (like a citrus juice) will do. Dear NY Style Pizzeria: just call it “house Italian”. But be sure to capitalize “Italian”.

In Florida

Friday, February 9th, 2007

In Florida, traffic signs and signals are regarded more as guidelines than as rules. You can expect anywhere from one to six cars to go through a light after it’s turned red, and nobody ever honks their horn at any of these scofflaws.

In Florida, the roads all have much higher speed limits than you’d expect. It seems like the entire roadway system is made up of wide parkways, where you can drive 55 from stoplight to stoplight. But there are also toll roads, which cost a few quarters to use, but are much smoother and have lighter traffic than the interstate.

In Florida, motorcyclists aren’t required to carry insurance (only two states allow this insurancelessness: Florida and Washington). But they also allow motorcyclists to ride without helmets. However, if you choose to ride without a helmet, apparently you’re required to carry $10,000 of some sort of special medical insurance, in case you get hit and bash your head open. My guess is that there are a lot more motorcycle deaths here than usual, since the insurance-free, helmet-free cycle probably appeals to inexperienced young drivers who don’t want to spend a lot to get around.

In Florida, everybody is eerily nice. And it’s not the phony rude politeness of Seattle — it’s genuine niceness. Most people seem to have come here from somewhere else, so it’s not natives of the area who are especially kind. Maybe it’s something in the air, or the sufficient levels of vitamin D that everyone gets. All I know is that when I’m down here, and especially when I’m on Disney property, I myself get a lot nicer and more helpful and cheerful. Weird.

In Florida, people move faster than you’d expect. In Hawaii, you live in “island time” — a more mellow and relaxed pace. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. From speeding cars to speaking just a little bit too fast, the pace here seems quick. We’ve been pegged as being “from the north” by one local already, because we’re “mellow”.

In Florida, freaky news stories happen twice a week. This week’s diaper-wearing killer astronaut and sudden bimbo death may be hard to top in the future, but I’m sure Florida will give it her all.

a network of pure crystalline hatred

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

I’m putting together a cheat sheet for apartment hunting — a single page with our last few apartments’ addresses and phone numbers, as well as some employment history. It totally makes it easier than trying to remember everywhere we’ve lived on the fly.

Anyhoo, I was browsing around the internets, trying to find phone numbers for our last few apartment buildings, and I came across a page of reviews for the “management company” that owned our last apartment. For those who recall, it was the tiny craphole apartment on Queen Anne. It’s owned by a family, but they’re very weird about letting you know (the “handyman” was married to the “manager”, but neither would come out and call themselves an owner of the building).

Here are a few choice excerpts from the reviews:

“Basically, if you value your health, safety, privacy, and hard-earned money, you should stay FAR away from VIP. They are corrupt, abusive, and the worst property managers I have ever heard of or experienced directly.”

“The bottom line is the Varnes treat their tenants like the sharecroppers of the 1930s. They make it clear that you are, in their estimation, privileged to rent from them; and you should shut up and keep quiet.”

“They ended up keeping the whole deposit for a maintenance fee to clean the window blinds. They charge $25.00 an hour and it took 10 hours (so they say) to clean 4 window blinds! I left the place spotless, in fact, much cleaner than when I moved in. Never have I had a deposit kept from me by a landlord. Not only did I get charged for that, but I had bought some wall puddy to fill a couple of nail holes and they entered my apartment (when I was out and without notice), when I was still living there, filled the holes and charged me for that too! I was so happy to be out of there that I didn’t fight them for it. This is how they do business. I have never seen so many people move in and then move right back out, either from being evicted or sickened by VIP practices. These people are dishonest, opportunistic, money-grubbing slumlords who don’t care about their tenants or their rights. Do not rent from these awful people as they will take advantage of you…you have been warned.”

“All be it, the rates are below average and the site is good but, beware the witch woman SHE VARNES. This women is a devil from the deepest regions, she will present herself to you as a mere representative of the Varnes organization. But, in actuality this beast is THE VARNES itself. She herself is the driving action and force of the despicable Varnes network of employees, or web of deception. From Bjorne to their wethead attorney brother, the Varnes are a network of pure crystalline hatred. BEWARE”

One of the reviews mentioned that they “still use carbon paper when signing a lease”, which made me laugh — I found our file with our old lease, and indeed it’s generic documents that had been photocopied (hell, maybe even mimeographed) several times, and were filled out with carbon paper sheets. Shockingly high-tech! I’m glad to be rid of them, and I don’t know if I’d ever trust a small-family management company ever again.

Commercialism

Friday, December 1st, 2006

Hey, Visa — are you implying, in your commercial where patrons of a cafeteria wander around to the delightful tune of “Powerhouse”, that it’s faster to pay for purchases with Visa than with cash? Maybe that’ll be the case in ten years, when we all have barcodes tattooed on our foreheads and RFID chips in our skin, but right now the concept seems totally absurd.

Hey, Comcast — yes, you used those cute let’s-go-to-the-lobby animated snacks in your commercial about movies on demand. However, throughout the commercial, the family dog in the house is chasing the chocolate bar. In the end, the dog has the chocolate in its mouth. Why don’t you also show the dog drinking some antifreeze? How many kids will see that, assume that dogs love chocolate, and feed Fido a big ol’ Hershey bar?

Get it right, people!

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

This rant comes courtesy of , but it kills me too.

Last night, on Rock Star: Supernova, one of the contestants used a bullhorn in part of his song. A little hack, yes, especially since JD Fortune did it last year with “Pretty Vegas”. But that’s not the rant. The rant is that everyone on the show kept calling the bullhorn a megaphone. They are two distinctly different things, but even when searching Google images for an actual picture of a megaphone, the results were mostly bullhorns.

In other news, I browsed through the entertainment acts list at this weekend’s “A Taste of Edmonds” — my good ol’ hometown food festival. I saw that JP Patches is going to be performing on the children’s stage. Now, JP had a local show on TV in the 60s and 70s. He’s beloved by lots of local people … aged 35-plus. He hasn’t been a going concern for decades, and yet he’s still making appearances. Do kids today even know who the hell he is, aside from “that scary old clown guy with the creepy clown girlfriend”?

Some 15 years ago, when I was working summer camp, we had all the campers in some City of Lynnwood parade. And JP Patches was there too. Most of the kids didn’t know who he was, and were totally not interested. Though the middle-aged parents loved him. Why can’t we all be honest, and admit that JP Patches is NOT for the kids?