This year is just hauling along. It’s been a busy little while here.

Job: Two days ago, I started a temporary assignment. At Disney, a TA is where you’re pulled from your regular area to do something a bit more specific and skill-tastic. This job is only for a couple of months, covering for someone who’s covering for someone who’s doing a holiday-specific job. It’s over in the talent casting and booking area, which is a department that’s had me in its pre-approved employee pool for 3 years or so. It’s nice to finally get a short sample job over there to see what it’s like, and if I like it, and if they like me. So far, it’s interesting work — booking musicians and variety acts.

And let me tell you, if you can come up with a variety act that’s unique yet fascinating, there’s definitely a living to be made at it. So far I’ve written up orders for stilt walkers, sword swallowers, living statues, and various other cool weird things. I really need to come with some sort of act.

TV: What with me and Scott on contrasting schedules, we’ve had to hack away at our season passes. Out with Unforgettable (totally forgettable) and Pan Am (meh). Also out with Terra Nova (cool concept, but the surly teen aspect is always a ruiner) and long-time favorite Survivor (they finally got too repetitive for us). We’re backed up on, but plan to keep watching, Person of Interest (although it’s all for Michael Emerson, since we don’t care for the whispery acting of Jim Caviezel) and The Walking Dead. We’re also a couple of weeks behind on The Amazing Race, sadly. Fortunately, Project Runway is done (we liked Anya), but it’s quickly replaced by Project Accessory (haven’t sampled episode one yet), Work of Art (worth it just to hear people say the name “The Sucklord”), and Top Chef Texas. Reality overload!

Books: I’ll throw down some reviews soon — when I’m done with the massive over-1000-page tome that Scott recommended.

Holidays: I only bought one bag of Halloween candy. I let myself get the one thing I really wanted, and I ended up with candy corn. I know it’s just corn syrup and wax, but darn it, that stuff is SO GOOD. I was in Macy’s a couple of days before Halloween, and they had their Xmas decorations up. Seriously. I mean, the lights and fake trees and stuff for sale at Costco in August is one thing. Actually decorating your store with them before Halloween is something else entirely.

Pop: I’ve embarked on the quest to give up Diet Coke. I was drinking the equivalent of six cans per day, which was WAY too much. Not only too much caffeine, but also just too much artificial sweetener. The cruise at the beginning of the month helped, because we would have needed to pay $60 in order to get refillable mugs for pop. We spent the week beforehand going through withdrawal, and just had iced tea and water on the cruise. Nowadays, I got some really nice lemon juice from the Costco, and have club soda with lemon for something fizzy. I can’t say that I feel a lot healthier, but it’s nice to not feel like I NEED a bottle of pop. I did have a single cup of caffeine-free Diet Coke from the fountain at Chick-Fil-A the other day, and it was a delightful treat. Which is what it should stay.

Hair: Last but not least, this stuff is driving me crazy. I’m keeping the back and sides trimmed up so that the top can grow out, and my horrible discovery is that my hair likes to grow straight forward. Check out how it dries — I brushed it straight back, with a little bit of styling product in there. Over time, it made its way forward.

Yes, yes, I need to color those roots. Thing is, I can’t be without clips or bobby pins or a hairband to keep this out of my face. Because there’s SO MUCH that wants to be in my face. And this being Florida, where even in the cold weather it’s relatively humid, no styling product stands a chance. I could use my industrial-strength hairspray at the beginning of the day, and at the end, the hair is back to being a flat, lifeless sheet of blah. It doesn’t help that my hair is baby-fine, and that I have a metric ton of it.

I’m thinking this weekend I may recolor, and then hack back to the pixie cut. Because a forehead full of hair will never be acceptable to me, and neither will needing to pull it back and clip it every day. That’s why I cut it short in the first place.

We’re digging into the fall TV season with both hands. So many excellent returning shows! So many new possibilities! Sadly, due to conflicting work schedules, we haven’t been able to tackle as much as we’d like. The TiVo is getting quite full. But here’s what I’ve been able to watch so far:

Survivor: Looks good so far, though we’ve only watched one episode. I don’t know about Ozzy returning, since he wasn’t one of my favorites. Apparently the rest of the viewers disagree; they love him to pieces. Also, I wish Russell’s nephew had made up a “Hantz is a common last name” lie about his tattoos, instead of always wearing his shirt. Because I’d be totally suspicious of his weird cover-up obsession, but I’d likely buy a not-related-to-Russell lie.

America’s Next Top Model: It’s all-stars, although a few of them I don’t really remember. Also, some of them are over 30. And appear to have worse skin than I. Still, they put a boatload of drama queens in the same house, so it’s kind of a hoot. If only they wouldn’t use their stupid shorthand names for things. (Ty-overs instead of makeovers, guys!)

Archer: Only 3 episodes, and we’re already down 2. Then we’ll have to wait until 2012 for the rest. And the show remains the best animated thing (and one of the few half-hours I watch) on TV. Sick, twisted, and hilarious.

Castle: The first episode back got weepy and moody and maudlin, but with last night’s episode we’re back into much of the fun dynamic that I love. Hopefully they’ll shelve the Beckett’s mom storyline for a half-season or so, and let us wallow in the witty banter and flirting.

The Biggest Loser: Oh, how I wish they would shorten the episodes. But an interesting cast so far (although I’m ho-hum about the new trainers). And they totally got rid of the right person in the first elimination. Second episode is on tonight, so it’s not too late to dig in.

New Girl: (Apparently it’s not THE New Girl, at least according to TiVo.) An interesting premise, and good chemistry between the cast so far. I’m just weirdly put out by the fact that the geeky, awkward girl is also gorgeous. You’d think she wouldn’t have that perfectly coiffed hair, for instance. It just doesn’t quite seem to jibe with every other geeky, awkward girl I’ve ever been or known. At any rate, it’s only a half-hour, so it’s like a Jell-O show.

X Factor: I’m only picking up one of these a week, because whenever else it’s on, it’s behind two other programs on the priority list. So far, it’s like American Idol — easy to fast-forward through, with a few snippets of good. Also, I’ve learned that I don’t care for singing groups. Hmm.

Prime Suspect: I wish I’d see the original. In this, an over-the-top stereotype of a hard-nosed bitch battles against some over-the-top stereotype boys-club chauvinists in their police workplace. I mean, really — it’s as realistic as the constant assaults that happen for laughs in Glee. Most of those guys would have been taken to HR way before it got as bad as they portray. Still, I’ll give it a try and hope they soften everyone up just a little. Also, I kept looking at the chief and thinking, That guy’s like an older, bloated Aidan Quinn-type. It would appear that Aidan Quinn has REALLY let himself go.

Unforgettable: Wasn’t on my to-try list, but I dropped Ringer at the last minute because I heard it was terrible. And I’m glad I added this season pass — another police procedural, but with an interesting twist and a much more likeable cast than Prime Suspect. Definitely worth continuing.

Fringe: OH, how I’ve missed you! Welcome home, weirdness. Can’t wait to see where they go with Peter (or as Scott called him, Tyler Durden) and with new agent Lincoln Lee. Whatever they do, wherever they go, I’m on board for the ride.

The Amazing Race: Another welcome old friend. I’m glad they got the Emmy back; this truly is one of the best reality shows on TV. I had to remember to set it to record an additional hour afterward; here on the east coast, sometimes the football games go long beforehand.

We still have a number of items waiting on the TiVo: the return of Body of Proof, as well as the first episodes of Person of Interest, Pan-Am, and Terra Nova.

Also coming up in October: House returns! As does Bravo’s quirky Work of Art. New to Bravo is Mad Fashion, featuring former Project Runway contestant (and all-around fascinating person) Chris March. We’re also going to try out Around the World in 80 Ways, co-hosted by Boston Rob Mariano. And later in the month, the fairy tale/fantasy doubleheader of Grimm and Once Upon a Time.

I was recently reminded that the fall TV shows are a-comin’ soon. (Thanks, Christian!) Summer is all well and good with tasty morsels like Warehouse 13 and Project Runway, but in a few weeks the TiVo is going to be much, much more full. So here’s what I’ll be watching (and not watching).

Monday

House – Yeah, it’s totally formulaic. Ill person, four or five misdiagnoses, sudden epiphany, resolution. I’m still not sick of the formula, and it’s probably because Hugh Laurie is just so damned good. This season, Lisa Edelstein is on the way out, and a couple of new faces (including Odette Annable from the charming Breaking In, which we’ll totally be watching when it returns midseason) are joining the crew. (October 3)

Castle – If you don’t find Nathan Fillion charming, there may be something wrong with you. I’d advise seeing a doctor for that. Last season ended with a great cliffhanger — I know Beckett isn’t going to die, but I get to puzzle and wonder about how things will fall out with an injury, a new boss, and certain confessions. Wheeee! (September 19)

Terra Nova – Okay, so because the world is trashed, some colonists go 85 million years back in time to settle on prehistoric Earth. With dinosaurs and stuff. Say no more, sign me up. I’m just hoping I can suspend my disbelief regarding the time-travel paradox, because we haven’t found any 85-million-year-old human skeletons alongside the dinosaurs. I also hope it’s not too super-serious like Falling Skies was. (September 26)

Tuesday

The Biggest Loser – I’m not ashamed of my love for reality. Even though we only started watching this show in its 7th season, we’ve watched them all since. It’ll be weird without Jillian getting all up in the contestants’ heads. I usually disagree strongly with the nutritional aspects, but overall it’s compelling reality TV. I also wish the episodes were only an hour, but what can you do. (September 20)

Ringer – I just don’t know about this one, so I’ll give it a shot. I didn’t watch Buffy, so for me, Sarah Michelle Gellar is still Erika Kane’s daugher on All My Children. The concept is interesting, and the divinely-eyelashed Nestor Carbonell co-stars. (September 13)

New Girl – I’m so torn on this. It’s a half-hour sitcom, which I rarely watch. And I’m not all that big on Zooey Deschanel (not her fault — she was just so miscast in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy). But the promos intrigue me, so I’ll tuck it in on the side. It’ll be like TV Jell-O. (September 20)

Body of Proof – I actually didn’t expect this show to get picked up. I guess it did better than we thought. Dana Delaney’s character got a little more human throughout the first short season, which was good — she was pretty unlikeable at the start. We’ll keep it recording, but it’s probably not going to be at the top of the to-watch list. (September 20)

Wednesday

Survivor – I don’t think I’ve missed an episode of this show. Like, ever. Call it a guilty pleasure if you will. They’re continuing with last season’s trends: Redemption Island, and two returning players. Also, Russell Hantz’s nephew is playing. Will he keep that under his hipster hat? (September 14)

The X Factor – What do you think — will it suck? Will it rock? I love the idea of allowing contestants over 28. And it looks like the judges will do some mentoring (like The Voice) instead of just offering meaningless nattering (like American Idol). I’ve also missed Simon’s acid tongue. (September 21)

America’s Next Top Model – I completely missed last season, because the show was on at the same time as two other programs. But this season (or “cycle”) is all-stars, and so must not be missed. The prizes have been tweaked, and now include the potential to become a correspondent for Extra. Which is smart, because some of these chicks are 30 years old by now. (September 14)

Thursday

Grey’s Anatomy – I think I’m really watching this show out of habit by this point. They’ve jumped so many sharks, it could be a SeaWorld show. The music is always good, though. And I always enjoy McSteamy. (September 22)

Prime Suspect – Never saw the original BBC show, but I’ve heard that it’s kick-ass. How can it not be, with Helen Mirren. I’ve heard good things about the US version, which is a surprising change from how things usually go when we transport shows in from across the pond. (September 22)

Person of Interest – A show from Bad Robot starring Michael Emerson. That’s all I need to know to rush to the TiVo. Sounds like kind of a Minority Report-esque predictive crime drama. Oh, and apparently the pilot tested so well, CBS bounced CSI from the time slot it held for 10 years to make room. (September 22)

Archer – If you’re not watching this show, DO IT. NOW. The best animated show on TV, and one of the few half-hours I watch. It’s the perfect mix of brilliant, funny, and shocking. Three episodes will air in September, with the rest of the season following in 2012. (September 15)

Friday

Fringe – An awesome show where awesome stuff happens. Last season ended with a doozy of a cliffhanger, and I have NO IDEA how things are going to play out. But I can’t wait to see. (September 23)

Grimm – A cop drama that takes place in an alternate universe where Grimm’s-inspired characters exist. Extra bonus: Pacific Northwest location. My hopes are X-Files meets Eureka. My guess is, by the time this starts airing, we’ll have a spot cleared out for it due to a September show not catching our interest. (October 21)

Saturday

Um … yeah. Nothing. Which is usually the case. Looks like the networks are airing mostly football and repeats.

Sunday

Once Upon a Time – Somewhere in Maine, there’s apparently a town that’s a crossover point between the real world and the fairy tale world. Disney has given their blessing to use their versions of the classic fairy tale characters, and Damon Lindelof is a producer. So this could be great. It could also be a big horrible mixup of weird. (October 23)

The Amazing Race – We’re up to season 19 already?! That’s incredible. This is the best reality show on TV, and I’m nowhere near tired of it yet. Contestants this time around include former Survivor winners Ethan and Jenna, who are dating in real life. So maybe this season there will be at least one “dating couple” who I can stand. (September 25)

Pan Am – No, I haven’t seen Mad Men. So this would be my first ’60s period drama. We’ll see how long it lasts on our recording schedule — reviews so far have been very mixed. (September 25)

Not Watching

Dancing with the Stars – this show has been going downhill for me for the last few seasons, and this time I just don’t have the gumption to watch it. There’s really nobody I’m interested in watching, although if I had to throw my support behind anyone, it’d be either Carson Kressley or Chaz Bono. At least it’ll save 3 hours of TiVo space every week. (September 19)

Charlie’s Angels – I’m sure this will be a perfectly fine reboot. But the producers have gone on the record saying they refuse to do anything “campy or retro”. Where’s the fun in that? Seems like this was MADE for camp. (September 22)

Revenge – A woman moves to the Hamptons and gets … REVENGE! This looks way too serious for me. And a bit too much of the fancy-schmancy rich and famous beautiful people. (September 21)

The Playboy Club – Unlike several “family” organizations, I don’t have a problem with the content. It just doesn’t look that interesting to me. I’ll stick with Pan Am as my period-drama attempt. (September 19)

Unforgettable – A former cop with a medical condition that makes her remember everything joins her ex-boyfriend’s homicide unit to solve crimes. I have a couple of other crimey cop shows, and this sounds like it’s going to be seriously heavy. (September 20)

The Secret Circle – Teenage girl goes to small-town Washington, discovers mysterious magical heritage. Yes, it’s witches instead of vampires, but it still seems a little too Twilight for me. (September 15)

Hart of Dixie – A New York doctor moves to small-town Alabama to work. And her last name is Hart! Nothing about this one speaks to me. (September 26)

H8R – I hadn’t even heard of this show until I looked at the fall schedule. Apparently celebrities get to confront mundanes who “hate” them, to try and convince the haters that the celebrites really aren’t all that bad. This sounds like the worst possible kind of reality show. (September 14)

A Gifted Man – Self-absorbed surgeon becomes a better man when visited by his dead wife’s ghost. Never heard of this one either. Looks heavier than dark matter. (September 23)

Thoughts? Opinions? What will you be watching? What will you definitely NOT be watching?

Ah, summer — a time when TV used to suck eggs, because all of the shows were on hiatus. Thank goodness that’s no longer the case, since the TV bigwigs realized that people like to watch their tellies year-round! Of the many shows being offered this summer, here’s what we’re checking out:

So You Think You Can Dance (FOX): We can tackle each 2-hour performance show in around 20 minutes, by only watching the dancing and fast-forwarding through everything the judges say. I do the same thing with American Idol. So while I have no idea who’s on Mary Murphy’s hot tamale train, I have my favorites. We’re rooting for Melanie (who, due to her vague Bioshocky look, we’ve nicknamed “the splicer”). We also like Jordan (codename: “Orion slave girl”) and Jess (“that broadway kid”, which is our worst nickname ever).

Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (ABC): It’s like a whole season of The Biggest Loser every episode! Plus, this Chris guy seems much more likeable than Jillian Michaels. It’s nice to see the Extreme Makeover franchise lean back toward its roots, when it was a show about everyday people getting ten plastic surgery procedures. They’ve kept a bit of the heartwarmingness of the home edition, but not so much that it gets sugary.

Platinum Hit (BRAVO): In the same vein as Top Chef and Top Design and Work of Art, in this show you have singer/songwriters battling it out every week to craft a hit. It’s trainwrecky for the most part — contestants have a half-hour to write a hook, then get a day or two to write the rest of the song (which frequently appears to be a single verse to go with the hook). And many of those songs aren’t as good as songs I’ve seen improvised on the spot. But there are some really good drama llamas in the contestant pool, and it’s always fun to hate on the wooden performances of head judge Kara DioGuardi.

Wilfred (FX): After a failed suicide attempt, Elijah Wood sees his neighbor’s dog as a crude Australian guy in a cheap dog suit. A fascinating concept, and after 2 episodes we’re still sticking with it. My only issue is it’s too heavy on the pot use for me.

Falling Skies (TNT): We tried. Honestly we did. But we stopped the pilot after the first hour. The show is utterly humorless, and I just can’t picture Noah Wyle as any kind of tough guy. I understand wanting to be a big serious show, but you need little moments of levity now and then. They need to take a lesson from The Walking Dead — even just a line here and there can break up the solid wall of serious.

Warehouse 13 (SyFy): It’s back in three days, and I can’t wait! This show is just the right mix of fun, corn, cheese, cheap special effects, steampunk, buddy cops, mystery, and history retcon.

Jon Benjamin Has a Van (Comedy Central): This show may be even weirder than Wilfred on the weird scale. Everything is an exercise in the completely unexpected. Even if you can guess where they’re headed with a joke, they put a twist on it that leaves you wondering, what kind of crazy nutso freaks wrote this? Plus, Scott has put Jon Benjamin on his list of potential Scotts for his pie-in-the-sky imaginary casting of a Basic Instructions sitcom.

Masterchef (FOX) / Food Network Star (Food): The summer cooking shows are all about winnowing down a crowd of hopefuls until we get one champion to rule them all. But what I don’t get is this: if the grand prize is either a studio cooking show or a meaningless title and a cookbook, then what on earth sense does it make to have the contestants cater meals for 200 guests in a panic-inducingly-short amount of time? I wish Masterchef would concentrate more on the actual cooking of single delicious dishes, and skip the alternate episodes where the contestants have to team up and cater large events. Likewise, FNS contestants should spend more time in performance classes and less time making huge batches of food for the fickle masses.

Alphas (SyFy): This show starts on Monday the 11th. When I first saw a preview, I was all, another Heroes, no thanks. But then I saw a later preview, in which it appears that these everyday people who discover they have superpowers … also fight crime! And solve cases! With their superpowers! So I’ll give it a chance.

Battlestar Galactica (BBCA): Okay, so this show originally aired years ago. Thing is, I didn’t see the episodes in order then. Scott watched from the beginning, but I didn’t start watching until the very end of season 2. So all of the episodes from seasons 1 and 2, I saw in scattered order afterward. Right now, BBC America is running the episodes in order from the beginning, and it’s fascinating to see the show as it was meant (although I know who all the cylons are already, but that’s still a kind of cool I-know-a-secret feeling while watching). It’s so weird for me to see episodes 1 (“33″) and 2 (“Water”) after the miniseries, since for me those stories happened way further into the show. This Sunday they’re showing episodes 5 thorugh 8, if you want to get in near the ground floor. As for why it’s on BBC America? Apparently it’s all because of Jamie Bamber.

Outcasts (BBCA): Speaking of Bamber, we’ve set episode 4 of this show to record. Missed one through three, but hopefully there’ll be enough “previously on” backstory to get us set. The entire series is only 8 episodes, since it got cancelled fairly quick. Let’s hope this coming fall’s Terra Nova (which I’m totally watching) does better in the ratings, since it has a sort of similar colonists-in-a-dangerous-land theme.

I now have three weeks of resort work under my belt. And I’ll have a bit more before my real job begins — they’ve pushed back my classroom learning another month, so I’ll be toting luggage for a little while more. No worries, friends. I’m okay with it.

I’ve acquired more bruises on my legs, and a nice spot of rug-burn on my knee from one particularly well-upholstered suitcase. I asked the nurse at my gastroenterologist’s office if my easy bruising was due to the combination of medications I’m taking, and she said, “Probably, I guess.” I looked at the safety info sheet that came with one of the drugs, and it reads: “Contact your doctor at once if you develop easy bruising or bleeding.” Awesome!

In the same doctoring vein, I’ve made an appointment with my HMO to get a new referral to a new gastroenterologist. Hopefully I can find someone who’s willing to discuss things instead of demand things, and who knows that after you make your patient cry, you should save complaining to your staff about what a whiner she is until you know she’s left the building.

I have a few books on my to-review list, although my reading speed has gone down dramatically this month. I’ll blame that on the one-two punch of a physically tiring job and the acquisition of Portal 2. I watched Scott play the single-player game, and now I’m over halfway through my own run. Plus we’re also tackling the co-op game. As I suspected, it’s going to earn a place on my top 7 games list. I’d also rearrange the bottom two, so The Saboteur stays at #7 and The Neverhood falls to #8.

If you’ve played any Portal, you’ll know what I was thinking about when I used the back stairway to visit the doctor’s office:

We’re excited to have a Seattle friend visiting this afternoon — he’s a stand-up comedian, doing a corporate gig in Tampa this morning, then driving out to see us. We’ll most likely take him out to the Magic Kingdom, then find a place with some good key lime pie.

He’ll have to head out before the night gets too late, because I think he flies out of Tampa tomorrow morning around 7. So we should also be able to see the finale of The Biggest Loser tonight. I’m delighted that my first-day favorite, Olivia, is still in it to win. In other reality news, however, I’m not even recording the American Idol finale. I have no interest in either of those country kids, and have fast-forwarded past their performances all season long. I also think that little Chelsea Kane deserves to win Dancing with the Stars, but I’m conflicted because I have a feeling that I couldn’t stand her partner, Mark Ballas, in person.

I get the TV Guide RSS feed, so there are always little breaking news tidbits about new shows. Today there’s a post about The Great Big American Auction, which will be hosted by Ty Pennington (who looks more and more like a troll doll every time I see him).

This is a great example of how small cable shows start a trend, and then seasons later, the big networks pick up the concepts. Because auctions and memorabilia shows have been showing up all over the cable channels. Oh, I’ll totally check out this Ty Pennington one (that hopefully, Ty Pennington won’t ruin for me), but I totally dig quite a few of the other shows about junk merchants. At least with their ginormous title, this new ABC show won’t be as easily confused with some of the others.

Here’s what we watch:

American Pickers (History): Frank and Mike scour the country, looking for people with eight barns full of collected junk on their property. They buy various things (that always seem to include oil cans, bicycles, motorcycle parts, and giant old tin signs) and turn them around for resale at their store, Antique Archaeology. The show is a full hour, but there’s a lot of filler that can be fast-forwarded through — mainly the stilted phone conversations with Danielle back at the shop, and anytime Mike talks to the camera with a discomforting sales-huckster tone.

An episode of American Pickers showed some of these folk art paintings of skeletons over the top of old portraits, but they didn’t talk about them at all. The guys were more interested in their tin signs and bike parts. I wish I knew who this mysterious “BA” is, so I could acquire some of these.

Auction Hunters (Spike): Allen and Ton buy up auctioned-off storage units, then find all sorts of magnificent collectibles inside. They actually did a really nice special episode all about how they gauge how much they’ll bid on a unit, and what they’re looking for. It’s a tight half-hour show, and they almost always come up with some really cool stuff. My biggest issue is that Allen is 30 years too young to be tucking his t-shirts into his jeans the way he does. But both guys are decent, and this is the only junk show in which I don’t dislike anyone.

Auction Kings (Discovery): The day-to-day workings of a real auction house, Gallery 63. People bring in their junk, professionals are brought around to appraise, and then we see the auctions. Most of the team seems tolerable, except for the office manager — her “funny” antics are the most cringe-inducing part of the show.

Storage Wars (A&E): This was the first of the junk shows we tried. It follows a set group of storage-unit auction buyers, and the stuff they find. The buyers all have different angles (the collector, the thrift store owners, the consignment dealer) and are all looking for different things, but frequently enjoy screwing each other over in the auctions. A couple of the buyers we dislike all the time, and a couple of them we just dislike some of the time. But I still like seeing some of the cool collectibles get appraised, and it’s always nice when a character you don’t like gets stiffed on something.

We tried watching an episode of Oddities, but it didn’t capture us — the pace was too slow. We still catch the classic Antiques Roadshow now and again, but that’s pretty slow-moving too. Though you can always count on Roadshow to show you something ghastly hideous, then appraising it at $10,000.

Anyone have any other collectibles shows to recommend? Since I don’t want to live in a thrift store inside a Russian submarine, I’d like to live vicariously through other people’s junk collections.

I had a very busy day today, so I’m buzzing through AI as fast as I can. Can I sum up everyone in one line? Let’s see.

(Also, I heard today that Stefano was just arrested for DUI. Will he mysteriously also get the lowest number of votes this week?)

1. Naima Adedapo: The flailing is fun, but the singing is meh.

Fashion don’t: she stole these booties from Frankenstein’s monster. Ghastly.

2. Paul McDonald: Drunk? Stoned on cold meds? Future Rod Stewart impersonator.

3. Thia Megia: NOT ANOTHER BALLAD! Also, born in 1995? Wow, I feel old.

4. James Durbin: I hate Bon Jovi. But at least JBJ is on-key. Flatsville.

Fashion don’t: no boys should ever wear these hipster skinny jeans. They always look a size too small, like the guy can’t hitch them up far enough. They sit too low, and yet still give boys a saggy bum.

5. Haley Reinhart: Either this song choice or the singing style is a joke, right?

Fashion don’t: They didn’t powder her lipstick or Vaseline her teeth enough. Poor kid. Be sure to blot if you’re going to wear bright lipstick, everyone. (Also, the leggings with tucked-in shirt.)

6. Stefano Langone: Karaoke. Boring. Karaoring? Boraoke?

7. Pia Toscano: Making an ’80s song your own = adding synths?

Fashion don’t: this jumpsuit. Doubly so if you’re a squatty-dancer with bad posture.

8. Scotty McCreery: His mouth-twisting makes sense now. He grew up impersonating Elvis.

9. Karen Rodriguez: A soft and spongy performance compared to the original.

Fashion don’t: Fembot meets Vulcan air hostess. Meets Dr. Girlfriend. Meets hooker. Peekaboo!

10. Casey Abrams: He looked like a serial killer, and I giggled throughout.

11. Lauren Alaina: Her parents looks SO YOUNG. Decent despite the flu.

Fashion don’t: Worse than Lauren’s clydesdale boots with stomping? Steven Tyler’s necklace with a sad-eyed Keane girl. Creeeeeepy.

12. Jacob Lusk: Looks like he’s about to cry all the time. The Duke of Flamboyantshire.

Bottom three: Pia, Karen, Stefano. Going home: Stefano.

I like how, in the intros, Seacrest gets bigger cheers than any of the judges. This week’s theme isn’t really a theme — the kids are singing a song from their own personal idol. It’s just the kind of thing I hoped for, so my fingers are crossed that the contestants will make good choices. This week, the kids also get a chance to work with Jimmy Iovine.

1. Lauren Alaina – “Any Man of Mine” – Shania Twain, what a shocker. I’ve never heard this song before, but it’s everything I’d expect of a country song. Lauren’s makeup is actually conservative this week, but her hair and outfit are both very real southern housewife. Except I also like the flats — age appropriate. The song is forgettable country, but there is one point where it’s just the backup singers singing, and they’re so much better. The theme of the song seems very empowered-country-woman, and this teenager just doesn’t have the life experience to put the punch behind it.

2. Casey Abrams – “A Little Help from My Friends” (the Joe Cocker version) – With a 10-piece chorus backing him, I can tell that this guy is going to make some fascinating arrangement choices this season. Here’s hoping he tops my favorite so far … bagpipes. He has fun with the song, gets some gravelly sound in there, get a little shouty at times, but overall it’s an entertaining performance. He knows how to charm a crowd, in a very Taylor Hicks kind of way.

3. Ashthon Jones – “When You Tell Me That You Love Me” – The judges told her Diana Ross, so she’s doing Diana Ross. She looks great, but her opening notes are really shaky and flat. It gets better, but it still doesn’t rock my world. She just seems nervous throughout. Meh. But during the critiques, I noticed that Randy has added to his style. It’s not just a necklace and bracelets made of seed beads like he’s a 10-year-old girl; now he’s also wearing a cardigan with holes in it. Is this fashion?!

4. Paul McDonald – “Come Pick Me Up” – I’ve heard some Ryan Adams, but I’m much more familiar with Bryan Adams. Anyhoo, it’d be awesome to work with Don Was. Koo-koo Paul starts his song by asking the crowd the eternal question, “Y’all doin’ all right this evening, y’all?” Nobody answers it. He starts singing, and the first line is terrible. It’s pitched way too low, so he’s just whispering weakly in his Rod Stewart voice, while he flops and staggers in his unique dancing way. I guess the singing gets a little better? But it’s still really weak — there’s just no power there. Stephen Tyler praises him, then is barely done talking before he pops a candy/lozenge into his mouth. Classy.

5. Pia Toscano – “All By Myself” – Ah, finally some Celene Dion! I expect this to be a straight copycat performance from a forgettable contestant. It’s actually not bad, but the arrangement makes me angry — it takes the power notes that should end the song, chops them in half, then puts them in the middle. The ending is poorly arranged, as so many of these are. She leaves J-Lo speechless for a moment. She’s good, but not my thing. I think she’ll stick around a while, but I worry that she’s going to be a one-trick pretty-song pony.

6. James Durbin – “Maybe I’m Amazed” – Oh no. McCartney is my favorite Beatle, and this song is my favorite McCartney solo song. I don’t want him to screw this up. As usual, the arrangement (especially the ending) blows total goats. The kid doesn’t do too bad, but it just doesn’t rock my world. He gets screechy and loses a lot of the melody in the chorus. But I think the same fans who supported Adam Lambert will get behind this guy, and he’s totally safe.

7. Haley Reinhart – “Blue” – LeAnn Rimes, so it’s not a song I know. This is a song she’s been singing since she was eight, so she better not screw it up. There’s a lot of yodeling in this song, which she doesn’t suck at, but some of the straight notes are duds. I wish she weren’t wearing blue. Overall she’s more forgettable than Pia, in that I’d forgotten she even made the top 13. And she’s battling Lauren for the country vote, which maybe isn’t the smartest move. Randy calls it a little sleepy and boring, which is spot-on.

8. Jacob Lusk – “I Believe I Can Fly” – Boy oh boy. This guy is ham and cheese, so this should be fascinating. He has a really weird key change near the beginning, he gets the 10-piece backup chorus (this time in choir robes), and he throws in a section of really awkward wailing. Musically it’s almost as weird as I hoped for, but he blocks up his physical performance behind a microphone stand. It’s almost like he’s going for restraint, but this particular guy needs to avoid restraint at all costs.

9. Thia Megia – “Smile” – This song, for me, has nothing to do with Michael Jackson. Did I miss when MJ performed it? Was it when he was younger? It’s all Chaplin (or “Chapman”, as Thia says) to me. This is Thia’s second ballad in a row, which is worrisome. The first verse sounds good, but then there’s a key change and a couple of really awkward notes. She gets back into it, but it’s just not that dynamic overall.

10. Stefano Langone – “Lately” – Ah, wildcard kid. I don’t recall caring for him last week. The song starts out with just singing and a piano, and it’s not good. He’s chewing on every word and throwing out lots of bad notes. It gets a little better when the band kicks in, but that’s not saying much. It’s like he’s over-enunciating and … filling his mouth with the words, is all I can describe. He has a kind of Broadway sound and delivery, and it’s very weird for me.

11. Karen Rodriguez – “I Could Fall in Love” – Her idol is Selena. What a shocker! She even owns some Selena fashion dolls. Her outfit is a ghastly sequinned jumpsuit, her earrings are like chandeliers, and her singing just has no power tonight. From the pre-sing package, it sounds like she may be losing her voice, which is unfortunate. Her voice isn’t as weak as Paul’s, but it’s close. And this song seems like it needs some power behind it. She does know how to work the camera, and gets her hand right out to us, so points for that.

12. Scotty McCreery – “The River” – Garth Brooks? Don’t know it. I don’t know that I could name a single Garth Brooks song off the top of my head. I wonder if his facial contortions are a necessary part of his country sound. I’d love to see him sing without his mouth warped to the side, to find out what that would sound like. He also needs a little instruction in microphone technique — we lose him behind the backup singers a couple of times when he holds the mic away from his mouth. It’s good for what it is, but what it is isn’t good (for me). Totally safe, anyway.

13. Naima Adedapo – “Umbrella” – Rihanna is so far off my radar, it’s surprising to me that she could be someone’s idol. I mostly only know about her because of entries in celebrity gossip magazines. Props to Naima for wearing the knee-high Converse. She does some fancy dance moves to start, then … the song. I don’t know that I’ve heard this song before. But she sounds vaguely off from the music. If the original doesn’t have that little breakdown in it, then it’s a fun making-it-your-own touch. Stephen says it was pitchy, so I’m glad it’s not just me. The dancing was crazy, and she has the headline spot, so she’s totally safe.

I don’t know how they’re going to do the results (besides them being drawn-out and twice as long as they need to be, that’s a given) so I’m going to pick a bottom three, and the person I’d eliminate. I’m going with a bottom three of Haley Reinhart because she’s losing the country vote, Ashthon Jones for being comparatively boring, and Stefano Langone because I still just don’t see it (and the snippet they chose for the recap is so totally Broadway). I think everyone else has a big enough fanbase at this point. I’m going to send my most-forgotten finalist home: Haley Reinhart. And for the record, I’m rooting for Casey this year.

I recorded the Dr. Oz show for the first time ever the other day, because science journalist Gary Taubes was a guest. And despite the tittilating episode title “The Man Who Thinks Everything Dr. Oz Says Is Wrong”, I hoped there would at least be a fair and free exchange of ideas and information.

What a fool I was!

To be fair, Oz did say a couple of things that weren’t moronic. One was that he respects Taubes’ opinions, even though his own differ. The other was that he approves of the fact that Taubes is challenging conventional wisdom, since that causes doctors, researchers, and scientists to take a good, hard look and double-check all of the information they’re handing out.

Not that Oz double-checked anything, or decided to revise what he’s telling people.

Things I learned from Oz:

► You should cut out added sugar, but you should then eat lots of fruit (sugar) and “healthy whole grains” (sugar).

► After living on sugar all day every day, when you don’t eat sugar for a day, you feel grumpy.

► If you’d normally eat a slab of salmon, green veggies, a salad, and some brown rice, that meal just doesn’t translate to Taubes’ vision. Why just lose the brown rice, when you can replace it all with a huge steak?

► Oz is used to eating five or six times a day. Not a surprise, since his diet of sugars would require frequent replenishment due to blood-sugar spikes and valleys.

► Oz has no problem turning to his guest, basically telling them to shut up, and then monologuing at them nonstop. When the guest might potentially bring up a salient point, it’s time to shout them down.

► The rest of the show consisted of … game shows? I never thought I’d say this, but I have more respect for the integrity of The Doctors.

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be watching Oz’s show ever again. I don’t understand what anyone sees in him — listening to his voice is like nails on a chalkboard (I compared it to a Jerry Lewis character), and he has a permanently smug expression on his face. I was surprised to see him eat meat in his “eat Taubes’ diet for 24 hours” joke of a segment, because looking at him, I would have guessed that he’s a vegetarian — he has the same scrawny, veiny look I’ve seen a lot.

Overall, I learned that those who blindly cling to conventional wisdom aren’t going to let go anytime soon. Despite the recent wave of articles, studies, and research supporting a low-carb, high-fat diet, it’s hard as hell to battle 50 years of misinformation and lies.

So they picked the wildcards during the second half of the results show. How did I not see that coming? Either Seacrest didn’t explain the process very well, or I didn’t pay close enough attention. I’d say it’s 50/50 which one of those is correct. Anyway, since the judges picked six kids to sing again and then made their choices immediately, predictions couldn’t really be made.

I ended up with all five of my girls in the finals (although one of them was a wildcard) and four of my boys. Which means that the top 13 has, for me, four big lumps of cannon fodder.

I lightly Googled, but couldn’t find any mention of next week’s theme. Anyone? There are also rumors that they’re doing away with theme weeks in general, but that might send the show into chaos. (More chaos than it already is, anyway.) I’m all for doing away with things like “country week”, but broader themes like decades are still cool.