I couldn’t bring myself to write anything up this week. I mean, I hate country week in general. So Shania Twain week? Ugh. But on the plus side …

She will bite your face no more forever!

Even this late in the game, I just didn’t get the rabid Siobhan love. She never did anything for me, and the shrieking was awful. I can’t understand the shouters on the internets who claim she has the most beautiful voice they’ve ever heard.

Overall, nobody did that well this last week. Even Crystal. I mean, she was good and all, but it was totally a “not one of your best performances” performance. Next week, though? Looks awesome. Frank Sinatra songs! Harry Connick, Jr. as a mentor! I always love and hate standards week, because very few of the kids “get” standards. I remember season 1, standards week was when I really took notice of Kelly Clarkson — she nailed “Stuff Like That There” with the appropriate attitude and delivery, in a way that nobody else did.

So that leaves us with Crystal (This thing is hers to lose.), Lee (More personality, please.), Casey (More range, please, and get a haircut.), Aaron (Would have done great 5 seasons ago.), and Michael (Another nasal ballad? Shocking!).

I never would have tapped Aaron or Michael for top 5. Is Michael still riding a wave of sympathy for his almost-elimination a few weeks back? I can’t imagine that people actually want to hear another sappy, weenie stuffed-up-nose ballad. Then again, America has baffled me many times before.

Later: Glee. But now: there are only seven left. And our two remaining girls apparently got their hair styled by a blender.

This week it’s “inspirational” songs, with mentor Alicia Keys. For some reason I always want to write her last name as “Keyes”. I’m honestly not too familiar with any of her work, so I can’t tell you if I like her or not. I’ve probably heard some of her stuff on the radio, or at the roller rink.

Casey James – “Don’t Stop” – Casey has rewritten a bit of the melody to sound as if he’s sharp. Because I can’t imagine screwing up that much on the melody. Also, he’s wearing a v-neck white tee under a sportcoat, with his hair tied back and a little chin stubble, which makes him look like a villain on Miami Vice. At least he rocks playing his guitar. It’s decent, but weird in places, and I liked the Huey Lewis vibe better. 7 out of 10.

Lee DeWyze – “The Boxer” – Okay, maybe I just like this guy because I think he has a pretty face. Some of his notes are flat, some sharp. On the good side, he’s showing quite a bit of emotion as he sings, and a couple of times he makes direct eye contact with the camera (and us at home). Although he has a LONG way to go until he reaches a Constantine Maroulis level of camera-eye contact. And he’s pretty. Yay for pretty boys! 7 out of 10.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Pretty, pretty Lee. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Tim Urban – “Better Days” – Alicia Keys (Keyes) has to tell Tim to let us see that he’s “inspired” by the lyrics. On this, “inspirational” song week. If anyone was worried that Tim was getting better, don’t fret. He’s back to being flat, sharp, and completely disconnected from his song. So sad he had to follow emotional Lee, because it makes him seem even more flat and spiritless. 5 out of 10.

Aaron Kelly – “I Believe I Can Fly” – I don’t care for this song. Perhaps because I’ve heard it most in a commercial (for what, I can’t recall; it might have been a PBS PSA) where a choir sings it completely out of tune. From the get-go, Aaron is digging into the raspier range, putting a little edge behind his voice. He’s emoting some, which is good, but it feels kind of karaoke. Or … no, more like it feels kind of American Idol songwriting competition finale song about hope and succeeding. A couple of bad notes, but I just didn’t connect. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “When You Believe” – Where will she scream in this soft, gentle song? I can’t wait to find out! But I’m so distracted by her amazingly awful outfit, I have to skip backward to actually listen to the song. Butterflies wired to her shoulder! Knee socks with argyle-style ribbons! Feathers in her hair! And her dizzyingly shiny lip gloss. Okay, averting my eyes. Sappy, but not awful. She skips the really low note, and is horribly flat on one of the big buildup notes. Alicia Keys (Keyes) made it seem like Siobhan would hit some amazingly high note, but the high note isn’t all that amazingly high. Meh, she still doesn’t do it for me. Crazy Kara nails it by saying it’s like a musical. 6 out of 10.

Pure imagination.

Commercials – Did the 1970s Willy Wonka movie music suddenly go public domain? What with the Lost promo for this week’s episode using the crazy boat tunnel chant, and this AT&T ad using “Pure Imagination”, it’s a weird sudden burst of Wonkaness.

Michael Lynche – “Hero” – He starts out strumming very rough chords (seriously, they’re like chords I’d strum) and then his voice moves straight up to his nose. Is he always this nasal? Anyhoo, it’s a great arrangement, and no doubt the judges will express their delight that they used the save on him. It’s all right, and I think he’ll get plenty of votes, but the nasalness. Maybe it’s in a terrible key for him. Hmm. 6 out of 10.

Crysal Bowersox – “People Get Ready” – Without an instrument, Crystal? Finally! Not only that, but her first verse is a capella. A ballsy choice. Her microphone stand has some weird lamp or bong or something on it. What’s up with that? It’s good, bordering on great, and then … she chokes up at the end. And it’s awkward and uncomfortable and feels incredibly phony. I’m sure it’s genuine emotion, but … it just feels shammy. She apologizes, and the judges fawn all over her. Oh, the weird bong-on-a-stick is her microphone stand from back home. Okay, hippie. Crybaby hippie. Still, weeping aside, the best of the night. 8 out of 10.

WTF is that lampy bongy thing?

So, who’s going home this week? It’s certainly possible that, since tomorrow is the big Idol Gives Back extravaganza, they won’t eliminate anybody. They did that the first year of IGB; I don’t know about any subsequent years, because I find IGB kind of unwatchable. I’ll probably FF to the end of the episode, and skip the bulk of the celebrextravaganza. But if they do eliminate someone, my lowest score was a 5 for Tim, with Michael, Siobhan and Aaron tied at 6. I’m going to predict that Tim will be safe for one more week, and since Michael already got the low votes once before, I’m going to pick him for the big boot.

It’s top 9 week again, since Mike was saved last week. That means two contestants will be going home tomorrow. And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but tonight is the music of Elvis, mentored by Adam Lambert. So I’m expecting nine distinct and wonderful trainwrecks. Oh, and Glee is on at 9:28 (8:28 central) tonight. Now that’s a “special time.” Anyhoo, I’m going to log my predictions now: “Suspicious Minds”, “A Little Less Conversation”, Big Mike doing “In the Ghetto”, and just for the horror spectacle, I’ll peg Tim for “Are You Lonesome Tonight?”.

I’m watching this on actual Tuesday night, instead of on Wednesday, which also means I don’t have my usual cushion of time. I may actually have to watch the judges’ commentaries. Ugh. As the judges take their seats, Seacrest awkwardly sideways-fives some girls in the front row. Then he talks about last week’s “reshults” show. Drunk much, Seacrest? Then we get a package about Elvis, and the top 9 visiting Las Vegas and the Cirque show. Then we get some Adam Lambert push, because he’s apparently not doing too well on the charts.

Back in the theater, Adam Lambert has a front-row seat. Right next to the cast of Glee (and don’t forget, everyone, it’s on at 9:28). I’m just watching Jane Lynch over Seacrest’s shoulder as Seacrest and Lambert make with the blah-blah-blah. OH, Jane, nice yawn. Things get weird and awkward as they discuss tongues, and then we find out that Tim’s going to do “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. Curses!

Crystal Bowersox – “Saved” – Interesting, putting mamasox in the opening spot. She’s going bluesy and gospelicious, and she’s playing a gorgeously sparkly electric guitar instead of the acoustic. It’s amazing how she can be so dynamic while locked down behind a guitar and a microphone stand, while other free-range contestants can be so boring. Not my style of music, but she turns in another great performance. 8 out of 10.

Andrew Garcia – “Hound Dog” – He gets to do the Coke-stool interview, but it’s all about watching Mike perform for his life last week. Blah blah blah as a father blah blah. At first, Andrew bored Lambert. Let’s see if he punched it up enough. Um … well, at least his classic old-school microphone is interesting. The arrangement is a plodding, horns-heavy, cheeseball mess. He strolls around with the microphone stand in hand, and it’s just disjointed and weird and corny and nothing exciting. Randy calls it “not-good karaoke”. 5 out of 10.

Tim Urban – “Can’t Help Falling in Love” – Lambert encourages Tim to end the song in falsetto. For the performance, Tim is parked on a stool on the tinystage behind the judges. His guitar playing is decent, but my goodness is his singing off tonight. He has a bit of the nervous quaver, and he’s flat all over the place. During a crane shot, we see Seacrest dancing with some beefy bear guy in the aisle (keep drinking, Seacrest), and for a brief moment during the director’s fetish for overlays, we get to see three Tims on one screen. And of course, Tim the contrarian doesn’t take Lambert’s advice, and stays down in his lower register for the “big” (not so big) ending. Boring, plodding, ho-hum to the extreme. Not good, Teflon. The judges, who are on another planet, praise the performance in a desperate attempt to take credit for Tim staying in the competition. 4 out of 10. 866-IDOLS-03, everyone.

Three Tims & Dancing Seacrest

Lee DeWyze – “A Little Less Conversation” – CHECK. Continuing the theme of being in weird places, Lee is on the little sub-stage in front of the judges. He’s been encouraged to show a little more life and personality, and I think he’s taking it a little too far, to the detriment of the singing. Besides, his new “personality” consists of turing his head side-to-side and half-smiling as he sings. I’m calling this musically a safe choice, with an expected arrangement, but overall a decent (not amazing) peformance. 7 out of 10.

Aaron Kelly – “Blue Suede Shoes” – To paraphrase the mentoring in my own colorful style, Lambert encourages little Aaron to punch the song in the nuts. But can he? He has such tiny, soft fists. The arrangement is nothing special, and you can see that the kid is nervous, but he’s fairly entertaining as he wanders all around the stage. It almost feels like boy-band doing classic rock. Or like a kitten wearing leather pants. It’s an odd combination. I don’t think he necessarily nutpunches the song, but he does a fair to middling job with it. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “Suspicious Minds” – CHECK. She’s a huge Elvis fan, and she’s wearing a bouffant fauxhawk and her outfit is a mix between dominatrix and homage to the fat Elvis jumpsuit. My expectations are low, because I like this song and I don’t like Siobhan. She starts out singing with her back to the audience, straight into a close-up camera, and MY GOD SHE WANTS TO EAT MY FACE WITH HER VAMPIRE TEETH. The girl is in serious crazy-eyes mode tonight. The arrangement is absolutely karaoke, and she’s singing in a cheesy lounge singer voice which probably sounds great to some people, but is completely inappropriate for the song. Then she does her shrieking thing that I hate, and finally it’s over. 5 out of 10.

I WILL EAT YOUR FACE

At this point, there’s a commercial break with the KFC Double Down sandwich (been there, done that), Glee (on at 9:28, 8:28 central) and then Seacrest tells us about Idol Gives Back and makes a semi-scathing Brian Dunkleman joke. Oh, SNAP.

Michael Lynche – “In the Ghetto” – CHECKITY CHECK SLAM DUNK FOR ME. Sappy and morose is this guy’s bread and butter. Once again he’s sitting down with acoustic guitar in hand. The content of the song is a huge downer, and his arrangement doesn’t make it any better. It’s slow and gutting and makes me want to slit my wrists. The judges all love the hell out of it, and since he got the save last week, he’s totes safe. 5 out of 10 from me.

Katie Stevens – “Baby, What Do You Want Me to Do” – One of the blogs I read calls her Smug Teen Witch, which tickles me plenty. It’s perfect. She’s trying so hard to be bluesy, what with the horns section on stage and her oh-no-you-di’int head waggle. And this kid would have been amazing seven seasons ago. Her voice and performance style would have fit in much better then; but Idol has migrated past her style. Kara refers to her head waggle as “neckitude”. Simon thought it was loud and annoying. 5 out of 10.

Casey James – “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” – I thought long and hard during the commercial break, and couldn’t remember who was left to perform. Clearly Casey sticks with me. Seacrest pronounces the song “Loudy Miss Cloudy”, which is fairly hilarious. Keep drinking, Seacrest. For the performance, Casey’s stuck on this tiny round stage in the middle of the mosh section. Katie needs to take blues lessons from this kid. He plays some good guitar, and sings his song pretty well. He’s a little bleaty goaty at times, but overall it’s decent. 6 out of 10.

My bottom score is for Tim, who only earned 4 points from me. But he’s totally safe. Bunched up with a 5-score are: Andrew, Siobhan, Michael, and Katie. Since Michael is probably pity-safe after the judges’ save, and Siobhan has an army of zombies behind her, I’m going to go with Andrew and Katie for elimination. Now it’s 9:28 (8:28 central) and time for Glee, where 23-year-olds go to high school and it’s perfectly fine for students to assault each other with frozen drinks if they’re in different cliques.

Next month, we’re going on a little road trip down to Miami. I’ve been invited to the callback audition for Jeopardy!*, which is very exciting for me — I’ve tried out for it several times, and this is the first time I’ve made it to the second round.

The callback will last from 2 to 2.5 hours, and will consist of playing a mock game and taking an additional trivia test, as well as some light interviewing. I don’t actually expect to make it into the contestant pool (I’m a fairly terrible auditioner) but I’m definitely doing it for the experience.

I just booked our hotel room this morning, and here’s what tickles me. We were looking at booking a room at the Crowne Plaza hotel — it was the cheapest of the nice hotels. Which still means that rooms were going for $160 per night. The other options were the ultra-fancy resort where the callbacks are taking place ($280/night) or the little mom-and-pop questionable-quality beach resorts ($40/night). We’re not fans of questionable quality, so we were going to splurge.

Enter Hotwire, which is one of my former boss’s favorite travel booking sites. They give you an ultra-cheap price, but they don’t show you the name of the hotel until you book it. In this instance, Hotwire offered a $75 room in a 4-star resort. Since we were already going to pay $160 for a 4-star resort, we decided to be bold and booked it.

Turns out the room is at the Crowne Plaza, exactly where we were planning on staying. But for 60% less. Man, I love the internets! And living in the future!

* You may be wondering if a Disney employee can appear on Jeopardy!, since the show airs on ABC. Turns out, the show is produced by Sony/CBS, so it’s those employees who are ineligible. Sadly, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? blocks out all Disney employees, so I won’t be able to be on that show. And merely mentioning it makes me miss the Millionaire attraction here at WDW.

Once again, I’m late watching the performances. I know it’s the Lennon/McCartney songbook tonight, and I’m horrified to think of what the kids are going to mangle. Introductions and blah blah, let’s get to it!

Aaron Kelly – “The Long and Winding Road” – He’s actually not too bad starting out. He has a little rasp to his voice tonight; is it an affectation, or is he ill? Oh, but the nervous-sounding quaver comes back for the bridge, and there are notes that are both sharp and flat. In general it’s decent, but a slow and plodding choice, and a terrible arrangement. 6 out of 10.

Katie Stevens – “Let It Be” – My fear before she starts is that it’ll be slow and boring. Let us see. First off, she’s parked behind a microphone stand, wearing a dress that makes her arms look like huge sausages. As for the song, yeah. Notes are mostly OK, but she’s boring. Slow songs don’t have to be boring, but since she is boring, I don’t think she has the ability to jazz it up. 5 out of 10 for making me yawn.

Andrew Garcia – “Can’t Buy Me Love” – He’s up on the stage behind the judges, acoustic guitar and mike stand at the ready. He has his Buddy Holly glasses and hairstyle in place. And his arrangement stinks. From backing horns to slap bass, it’s a mishmash hodgepodge. And it sounds like how Engelbert Humperdink would try to “modernize” something. Randy calls it “corny,” which is apt. 6 out of 10.

Michael Lynche – “Eleanor Rigby” – I’m not a huge fan of Big Mike, but I have to admit, he’s made an interesting arrangement. Nice strings backing him, a nice cadence, and kind of an R&B vibe. Best arrangement so far tonight (although the final note sounds off). 7 out of 10.

Crystal Bowersox – “Come Together” – With a didgeridoo on the side. Not the most musically challenging song, and honestly, Sox isn’t rocking me as hard this week. It’s a good performance, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not one of her best. But it’s still the most compelling of the night so far. Also, she borrowed a scream note from Siobhan. 8 out of 10.

Tim Urban – “All My Lovin’” – Holy crap, is Terrible Tim improving?! His notes are mostly in tune, playing the guitar keeps him grounded so he’s not spazzing around everywhere, and it’s a somewhat appropriate (teenybopper) song choice for him. It shocks me to give him a 7 out of 10.

Casey James – “Jealous Guy” – A Lennon solo song. And maybe not as well-known as most of tonight’s choices. It’s a slower song, but it’s not boring, since he really seems to be into the emotion of the song. His voice is a little goat-bleatier than usual, but doesn’t sound too bad. Plus, his hair looks really soft and clean. 7 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “Across the Universe” – This may be the Beatles song I’ve heard covered the most by women, so she’s in tough company. She’s wearing her Madonna-Like-a-Virgin costume, perched up on a boring stool. It’s just Siobhan and a piano, and it doesn’t sound like enough. I expect her to speed up or bust out for the second verse, but it stays quiet and sedate and somewhat dull. I’ll also note, I have to listen without watching, because her huge overglossed mouth is creeping me out. Not as boring as Aaron, but not as good a ballad as Casey. 6 out of 10.

Look out behind you, Lee!

Lee DeWyze – “Hey Jude” – A ballad to close the show. Please, please, don’t be boring. He starts out with just his voice and his guitar, and some of the notes are fairly bad. The band joins in with some drums and what sounds like a steel guitar (which sounds out-of-place country). This … could be better. Then a goddamn bagpipe player comes down the stairs! Playing the goddamn bagpipes! This just got surreal and awesome and magical. Not Lee’s best performance, but OMG LOL bagpipes for bonus points. 8 out of 10.

Let’s look at my low scores for the night: Aaron, Andrew, and Siobhan all got 6, while Katie got 5. So I’ll send Katie home. Although it’d serve me right to have Tim finally go home, just when he charms me a smidge. And oh — if any of the Idols want me to come down the stairs playing the melodica during their song, give me a call.

So it’s R&B week, with Usher as the mentor. I’ve looked at the song list, and there isn’t anything I’m really interested in hearing. So I’m going to blast through viewing the show as fast as possible, in order to save my sanity.

Siobhan: I still don’t get it. But even those who love her can surely hear how terrible she sounds tonight — her notes are all over the place, and where she’s not screaming, she’s whining. But she does have really cool high-top sneakers on. 4 out of 10.

Casey: A red guitar this week, and a chance to get a little bluesy. The song is musically boring (easy, safe), but he does all right with it, and gets in some good guitarin’. Nice horns section. 7 out of 10.

Big Mike: He’s up seated on the stage behind the judges, getting all soft with his guitar. And I don’t think soft works as well for Mike. It sounds all right, but it’s boring and plodding. Minus points for the boring, and for sitting in a place that makes me have to look into the bright lights. 6 out of 10.

Didi: She’s dressed to sing a torch song, but what comes out of her instead is a dated, plodding, “old”-sounding song. She’s flat in a lot of spots. She’s boring me. Her voice is all over the place. Dawg, it’s just not good. 5 out of 10.

Tim: I predicted in advance, without having seen the performances, that he’d be in the bottom three, but he’d cling on for yet another week. First: GET A HAIRCUT. Second: if this were a meal, it’d be corn covered with cheese. He can’t hit the high notes, nor the really low ones. And despite whining and twitching, he’s boring. And then he laughs at everything the judges say, which means points off. 4 out of 10.

Andrew: He’s perched up on a stool, with the acoustic guitar. It’s all right, he’s mostly on key, but he’s become so very boring. A little refining, and he could be on the radio right now. On one of those stations I don’t listen to, because the music is always boring and too damned commercial. 6 out of 10.

Backstage Cam: WTF is this crap? STOP IT.

Katie: Oh, that’s right! She’s still here! “Chain of Fools” is too old for her. And while she keeps more of the soul than Tim did, she’s still mostly soulless in this performance. Mostly in tune, but drab and dull. 6 out of 10.

Lee: Standing with a guitar, so at least he can be a little more dynamic than the stool-sitters. Nice and upbeat, and I think he’s learning to connect with the audience and camera a little better. Although the song itself is a bit repetitive (though I know now how to treat her [like a lady, if you're wondering]). The best male voice left in the competition. 8 out of 10.

Crystal: Her big amazing change-up: playing the piano instead of the guitar. And here’s the Sox difference — it’s a ballad, and it’s NOT boring. I actually wish she’d stay with the soft and moody, because it’s not quite as great when she stands up and wails a little. Not her best performance ever, but she’s still the top female in the show. 8 out of 10.

Aaron: It’s “Ain’t No Sunshine” time AGAIN (let’s retire this song, Idol), and I hope this time he does all 87 “I know”s. His voice sounds quavery and nervous at the beginning. He gets a little more into it, and his “I know” count is actually 14. Slightly more soul and emotion than Katie, and generally not TOO awful. 6 out of 10.

My bottom three are Tim, Didi and Siobhan. But I’ve already predicted that Tim is safe, and I think Siobhan’s incomprehensible fan base will save her. So it’s got to be Didi going home. Now I’m off to watch the results show, which I can probably tackle in under 7 minutes.

ETA: tackled the results show in 4 minutes. Siobhan didn’t even make bottom three! Her fanbase must be bigger than I thought. I DON’T GET IT! Anyhoo, I’m delighted and horrified that I was right about Tim. Toodles, Didi.

It’s nice to see articles like this: End the War on Fat: It could be making us sicker. Slowly but surely, mainstream media is starting to let people know that dietary fat is not the enemy. If Slate can be considered mainstream media.

I’m recapping the short series Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution over at The Disney Blog. (ABC falls under the Disney umbrella.) Two episodes in, four to go. Fingers crossed that Jamie can make some significant changes.

I just got a couple of books from Amazon: New Atkins for a New You and The Primal Blueprint (and yes, those are affiliate links). I’m starting with the Atkins book first. So far, there aren’t a ton of changes from the 2002 New Diet Revolution; it’s mostly some tweaks and hints, as well as guidance on how to do Atkins as a vegetarian or vegan. (Inconceivable!)

This week’s homemade ice cream is maple pecan again. I got some coconut flour, which should hopefully open up new avenues of experimental cooking and baking. We’ll see how I do with this one package before I go balls-out and buy a 4-pack from Amazon. There are recipes galore out there, from using it to bread fish to making muffins and cakes.

This week was originally scheduled to be “teen idols” week, but now they’ve changed it to Billboard #1 week. But the “mentor” is still Miley Cyrus, so there’s still some trainwreck factor involved. We pan over the contestants (Sanjaya mohawk alert!) and introduce the judges. This week is a pivotal night, because the top 10 get to go on tour, so whoever gets the boot tonight won’t get to go. I know that the people at Vote for the Worst are pushing hard to get Tim Urban into the top 10, so it’ll be interesting to see if he does something tonight to draw in the tweens and teens.

We get some pointless banter, Kara and Simon do their weird flirty thing, and Seacrest runs off to executive produce Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. We get a package telling us about the Billboard Hot 100 chart, then we get to see Miley Cyrus show up to mentor the Idols. And even though she’s only 17, for the seated interview she looks 25. And not a gently-used 25. She’s sitting in the audience next to Adam Shankman, who looks even creepier than usual.

Lee DeWyze – “The Letter” by The Box Tops – He has a five-man horns section, and he’s changed the song to a jazzy, snazzy number with a syncopated beat. It’s not awful, and he does seem to be showing a bit more personality, but it’s not rocking my world. I wish he’d chosen something more in line with his voice, and something more modern, instead of monkeying with a song from over 40 years ago. His voice is good as always, and the audience loves the hell out of him. Most of the judges love it, and although some may hate Ellen, I love her comparisons (Lee is like her favorite pen, and not some banana-in-a-sack). 7 out of 10, with points off for song selection.

Paige Miles – “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins – She gets the stool interview spot. A fan in the crowd gave her a ring, her heels are really high, and her voice still sounds trashed from illness. And she’s doing a song I love, so if she screws it up, it’s clobberin’ time. She starts singing while sitting on the huge staircase, and it’s AWFUL. Shaky, nervous voice, pitchy, whispery. She finally breaks out of the quivery falsetto and into her belting voice in the second verse, and it’s a thousand times better. Although she’s still mauling a song I love, and a thousand times better than bad isn’t necessarily good. And the ending sucks eggs. Randy says: “Yo. Man. Yo. Wow. Really, honestly.” Kara says that Paige took on “the Mariah version,” and I just about did a beer spit-take. Mariah covered this song and I missed it? Judges no likey, and me no likey. 3 out of 10.

Tim Urban – “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen – Oh NO, Tim. Not Queen. And not this song, one of my least favorite from Queen. Will he do the jazzy Michael Bublé version? No, he’s going with the original! And for a split second as he starts to sing, he looks exactly like Ben Stiller wearing a wig. As with so many songs, he needs to kick it up in key — the line “crazy little thing called love” at the end of verses one and two has a couple of notes that are unachievably low for poor Turban. He slides across the stage, he snaps his fingers, he steps down onto a little platform in the middle of some squealing girls. It’s … actually not awful. It’s not great either, but I’ve seen him suck harder. Randy calls it bad karaoke. Ellen calls it corny. Simon calls it pointless and silly. It’s a total judges’ slamfest. 4 out of 10 because Paige was a little worse.

Aaron Kelly – “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith – Stool interview! He’s caught the laryngitis, and has tonsilitis to boot. And he’s caught a crush on Miley. Didn’t some country dude cover this song? This sounds more like country than Aerosmith. And really, it sounds more like Paige, in that his voice is shaky and pitchy and all over the place. He’s making faces like he feels emotions, but it’s not coming through in the singing. That might be the throat problems, or it might just be him. But Randy gives him the love, thanking him for singing after the previous two stunk up the stage. Nice, Randy. The ladyjudges applaud his song choice (Really?) but Simon warns him against sounding old-fashioned. 6 out of 10.

Crystal Bowersox – “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin – Crystal had Miley sign her guitar, so that her signature joins those of other “powerful, beautiful women.” She’s up there with her guitar and her microphone stand, and as usual it’s head and shoulders above anyone else in the competition. I’m not a fan of the song, but she takes it and kicks it up and down the stage and punches it in the junk, in a good way. Ellen cautions her again that she’s missing some personality and connection, and Kara wants her to step out from behind the guitar. Crystal says that, if she’s still here, she has some big plans for next week. Oh, and she has a little rug on stage! Far and away the best of the night so far, 9 out of 10.

Michael Lynche – “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge (although Michael Bolton also hit #1 on the Hot 100, 25 years later) – Big Mike has a piano player AND a string quartet out there with him. Smooth! Kara will love this, because he definitely finds the meaning of the song and gets emotionally involved. He’s in tune, and gives a good performance, and the people love him. It’s just a shame he had to follow Crystal; if he’d gone before, he could have held the “best of the night” mantle for a little while. The judges think it might be a safe song choice, and that it might be old-fashioned or loungey. But he gets +5 for charisma. 7 out of 10.

Andrew Garcia – “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye – He forgets his lyrics in rehearsal, and Miley tells him to lose the guitar. We’ll see how he does — we’re watching him fade away week after week, and I’m not sure an oldie song like this will help. He’s out on stage with three backup singers and Ricky Minor himself on bass. it’s like some weird funk version, and as we learned from Matt Giraud last season, that doesn’t work. During the first verse, it’s like he’s making gang signs and robotically smacking himself in the chest as he sings. Not only is it not a challenging song musically, but for me it’s like he’s more talking the lyrics than singing them, and he’s just not dynamic. We cut away halfway through to see Adam Shankman whispering in Miley’s ear. I was disappointed overall with this performance. The judges agree with me. But he was roughly on-key, so I give him 6 out of 10.

Commercials: You know what? I still don’t know if I actually like Glee or not. The music is usually very good (except I don’t care for Matthew Morrison’s stuff) but most of the characters are unlikeable for me. I do like Jane Lynch, and hope she sings soon; I also like Kurt and love Lea Michele’s voice. Still, I’ll be watching it come April, so I can maybe finally figure out how I feel about it.

Katie Stevens – “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie – Whoa, I don’t think she can handle Fergie. Fergie is perhaps a bit much for little Katie. She sounds terrible in the mentoring rehearsal, so let’s see what happens on the big stage. The song starts out with just a guitar, and it sounds like she’s off tempo. She’s flat in a number of spots, but she could be worse. My big problem is that she has the same voice we’ve heard dozens of times on this show — there’s really nothing unique or original about her sound, and it’s pretty much a bubble-voiced straight up karaoke version of Fergie — it’s pure mediocrity. What do I mean by bubble-voice? It’s that weird back-of-the-throat clogged up sound you can also hear in the Zooey Deschanel cotton commercial. She gets judge props for dressing younger and picking younger songs. 5 out of 10.

Casey James – “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News – Okay, this song choice delights me. But as with “Against All Odds”, if he screws it up there’ll be junk-punching. He promises to use the stage more, and Miley wants him to work on his eye contact. As for using the stage … he starts out five feet away from the microphone stand, and after a couple of chords on the guitar, moves to the stand. Ho hum. He has the horns section up on the balcony tooting away, which is appropriate for Huey Lewis (who I’ve seen in concert several times, thank you very much). He does a fair job with the song, no junk punching necessary, but he does swap “just” and “might” every time for “it might just change your life”, and he also skips the great bridge entirely. Boo. He doesn’t end on a big note, but he ends with some guitar jammin’. The judges don’t care for the song choice, but give him props for the performance. Except for Simon, who calls it an 80s cover band performance. 7 out of 10, with points lost for skipping the bridge.

Part of the Angry Didi gallery.

Didi Benami – “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt – An interesting song choice for this little warbler. Right before she starts singing, Seacrest mispronounces her name and then giggles about it. Didi, as usual, looks angry at the camera (maybe I’ll be able to take an angry picture every week). She starts out a little rough but finds something close to her pitch eventually. But the delivery is, angry looks aside, really bubbly and bouncy. Which doesn’t fit with the song. It’s a really weird choice. The judges generally agree — weird, wrong song, just not right. She gives a little gentle talkback speech about how she just wanted to do something different and have fun. 6 out of 10.

Siobhan Magnus – “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder – I worried this might be her choice when Seacrest teased that she’d be singing “some Stevie”. It’s a song on the American Idol Experience songlist, for pete’s sake. This girl is an oddball geek; why am I not more into her? For the performance, she is not only rocking a big fake mohawk, but she has TWO keyboard players and all of the horns guys down there on stage with her. She plods around the stage, back and forth. Yes, she has a good voice, and the notes are mostly all there, but she just … ugh. I don’t know what it is. She hits a couple of her now-famous screamer notes which I don’t care for, and overall it’s just boring for me. Maybe it’s that her smile never seems to make it to her eyes. I just don’t get it about her, and it’s frustrating me that I don’t. the judges dig her. For me, 7 out of 10.

The recaps seem to go on FOREVER. But looking at my scores, I’m sticking with Paige for lowest score and my choice for elimination. But a note to our contestants: look at Crystal, and step up your games, all of y’all. Tomorrow: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Joe Jonas. Good lord. I’ll make it through the results in record fast-fowarding time.

It seems like my blog has settled into being mostly about food and TV, so it’s no real surprise that I’d be drawn to the new show, Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. It especially calls to me because Jamie is trying to move the town of Huntington, West Virginia from a diet of processed, sugary crap to whole foods cooked fresh. No matter what your nutritional attitudes, I think we can all agree that “whole foods cooked fresh” is a great and healthy thing. (I’d just add in some extra natural heart-healthy saturated fat, myself.)

The first episode launches right into the troubles Jamie has to face. In an effort to spread the word about his visit, he goes on the air with a local radio DJ (no offense to any DJs out there, but in my career in radio, a majority of them were miserable people) and gets nothing but bad attitude. At the elementary school where Jamie gets to start his experiment, the lunch ladies (who take offense to being called “lunch ladies”, but that’s what I’d call them — one says she prefers to be called “cook”, but … I’ve cooked in a restaurant, and I’d call what she does “reheating and reconstituting” instead of “cooking”) also give him nothing but grief. Poor guy.

Jamie Oliver vs. the Lunch Ladies

Jamie makes beautiful roasted chicken, but the kids prefer pizza. Of course they do, when given the choice. He also makes brown rice, but is forced to add hamburger buns to the tray because rice doesn’t count as one of the government-required “two servings of bread”.

At least Jamie gets to meet with a local pastor who agrees that something needs to be done, and a family who’s ready to throw out the countertop Fry Daddy and learn how to cook real foods. The Edwards family is at least a ray of sunshine in what’s mostly a sad and depressing (but compelling) episode.

At the end, Jamie has to defend himself against a newspaper article that takes most of his comments out of context (what a surprise), and there’s a lovely personal moment where he gets choked up with emotion.

I can’t wait to see how this series plays out. It’s not surprising that he’s meeting with so much resistance right away; not only are people terrified of change, but a lot of people don’t really seem to believe in change. I completely understand; when I was obese, I figured I should just learn to love being fat, because I’d never be able to lose weight. It makes you sad, it makes you angry, and it makes you want to lash out at anyone who tells you that it’s simple or even achievable to make the changes you need. But what he’s done in Britain to make children healthier is amazing, and I only hope that America can get over its fears so it can listen and learn.

Spoiler warning! That is, if you consider my snap judgements and my own scores to be “spoilers.”

Ten seasons, can you believe it? There are lots of changes this year — the stars are in a new glassed-in holding pen (Bergeron calls it the “celebriquarium”), there are new opening graphics, new graphics for the scoring, and a new co-host. And while Brooke Burke is no Samantha Harris, it appears she’s been taking lessons. She’s very much not good.

There won’t be an elimination this week. We get to see all of the dancers dance, then next week we’ll see them all dance in the opposing style. And then one of our fresh new shufflers will head home. So on with the hoofing!

1. Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke (Cha Cha) – He’s a football player, so I’m sure he’ll get credit for having a great personality, and he’ll get much more slack on the actual dancing than anyone else. Plus, while some people seem to find his whole number-name thing charming, I think it’s dippy and dorky. As for the dancing: he seems bland, and his face seems slack through most of the dance. Stiff, awkward, and overall I give him a 5.

2. Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas (Viennese Waltz) – She’s terrified of performing live, and believes she’ll be covered in hives for the dancing. But she wants to do the show for her dad. I have to applaud that, but I can’t really applaud her dancing. She does have potential, but she needs to get over the nerves that are making her stiff and stumbly. I give her a 6.

3. Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Cha Cha) – Her face reminds me of Bachelor Jake’s fiancée. But she has a hot bod. She has potential, but isn’t that great right out of the gate. She does seem to be having fun, which is half the battle right there. I give her a 6.

4. Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower (Viennese Waltz) – For a waltz, their dance seems a bit too fast and frantic. And Jake is kind of like a wooden plank. The use of “Kiss from a Rose” reminded us of “Kung Fu Fighting” for Mark Dacascos. A bit TOO on the nose. I give him a 6.

5. Niecy Nash and Louis Van Amstel (Cha Cha) – She seems obsessed with keeping her “jiggly parts” and representing for the big girls. Hmm, seems to me that Sabrina Bryan did that seasons ago, and was a much better dancer. She shuffles her feet and doesn’t seem to have much grace. It’ll be interesting to see her do a ballroom dance instead of a Latin dance. I give her a 5.

6. Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya (Viennese Waltz) – I think he’ll do well, since he knows how to move to music and can make graceful lines. But we’ll see. He’s the smoothest dancer so far, but his extension needs work — his hands are like limp slabs of meat at the ends of his arms. Still, it’s the best performance so far. I give him a 7.

7. Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa (Cha Cha) – He’s 80. She’s back after 6 seasons of marriage and babymaking (and she’s lost much of her button-cuteness). Oh man, how I hope he does all right. He’s … it’s not good, but I didn’t expect it to really be. I mean, the guy is 80 years old. He’s mostly a frame for Ashly to shimmy around, with a few shuffling steps. Sadly, I have to give him a 4.

8. Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough (Viennese Waltz) – She’s this season’s Mya for me. Someone with too much previous dance experience. She says she’s a singer who’s learned a few small dance moves for the Pussycat Dolls, but I don’t really buy it. I could be catty and say things like “the scarves on her wrists make her arms look like Aerosmith microphone stands,” but really … best performance of the night. Her frame, lines, and movement are all good. Although Len tears her, and Derek’s choreography, new holes. Interesting. Because there’s room for improvement, I give her an 8.

9. Aiden Turner and Edyta Śliwińska (Cha Cha) – He played a character named “Aidan” on All My Children. See what they did, changing one letter? And see what I did, getting the special characters for Edyta’s last name? Anyhoo. From the pre-dance package, I don’t think I’d like this guy. They’re dancing to “Hungry Like the Wolf”, which should make me like this. But he’s a huge plank of wood with a pouty duckface, the version of the song blows goats, and he has a big wolf head embroidered on the back of his shirt. Scott says: “Hungry like the wolf, dancing … like the tree.” Apt. He moved faster than Buzz, so I give him a 5. But he’s at the bottom of my list.

10. Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani (Viennese Waltz) – I want her to be either awesome or terrible. But I suspect she’ll fall somewhere in the gawky-awkward middle. She looks terrified during the dance, but I’ve seen worse. It’s not great, but it’s no Master P or Kenny Mayne. (Hey, is that Jeff Probst sitting next to Marlee Matlin?) Carrie Ann points out the very important fact that almost everyone else who’s done this show has SOME background (acting, athletics, performing) that can help them, but Kate has absolutely nothing here to fall back on. I’m hoping that successfully doing this once will make her relax a little next week. Still, I give her a 5 (but a more supportive 5 than Aiden Turner’s.)

11. Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood (Cha Cha) – Fully made-up, she looks like a drag queen. But when she shows up at the rehearsal studio with her face relatively clean, she looks like Kristin Chenoweth’s older sister. I worry that she’ll be able to shake it, and not much more. Oh no, for the dance, she looks even trashier than usual. And she can’t even shake it! At one point, Damian pushes her away like a hapless man being groped by a frowzy drunk. And for the post-dance interview, she seems drunk as well. Scott thinks it’s a public persona character she plays: 50% Ginger from Gilligan’s Island, 50% Marilyn Monroe on quaaludes. Her dance is a little better than Kate, so I have to give her a 6, but I’m not happy about it.

Next week: a second round of dancing, hopefully fewer nerves all around, and our first elimination. Welcome back, mirror ball trophy. Welcome back, Trumpet Guy and Jewel Head. Welcome back, everyone!